


You Can't Tame Our Demons

by iknowitried



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Twins, Angst, Anxiety, Dissociation, Flashbacks, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Prostitution, Injury Recovery, M/M, Madison and Hercules are cousins, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Injuries, Past Sexual Abuse, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recovery, Roommates, Self-Harm, Self-Medication, Sexual Assault, Slow Burn, jefferson and lafayette are twins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 05:26:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 22
Words: 88,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7254238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iknowitried/pseuds/iknowitried
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seventeen. That's where his story starts. That's where all their stories start. Alexander lived, and breathed and struggled, and finally he's able to settle. John protected, begged and suffered, and now, this experience is his godsend, his starlight. </p><p>They got there, finally. With a few demons trailing behind them. Never tamed, but always following. </p><p>Then there's the twins, Gilbert and Thomas. They have lost and shattered in so many ways by the time they were seventeen. And now here they stand for everyone to see, and John and Alexander, and everyone else are at a loss on how to help. Even if they wanted to give it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. until they were seventeen

**Author's Note:**

> I am not sure how this came about, but here you go. Hope you enjoy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is where it begins.

THE START: ALEXANDER HAMILTON

 

It took awhile for things to look up for Alexander Hamilton. At least, that’s what it feels like, even though he hasn’t even hit his twenties yet.

 

But then again his father left him at 11, his mother died when he was 13, and he nearly died when he was 17. Then six months later, he was off to a whole different world, in every sense of the word, and he had to just deal with it. Or so he thought. 

 

“We hope that you’ll be comfortable here, son,” George Washington, his adopted father said, sitting beside Alexander and looking into his eyes with such sincerity that he couldn’t help but nod. He had not said a word his first couple of hours in their home, and George, as well as Martha, were more than a little understanding. 

 

“Take your time,” Martha said softly, nodding in unison with her husband, as she sat on his other side, her voice so soft, and so calming that Alexander just had to turn around and nod to her as well. He takes a deep breath and then turns his gaze downwards, and jumps slightly when he feels George’s hand on his shoulder, but it doesn’t relent, it stays there, but it softens in the slightest of ways, and it makes his heart swell. 

 

After that, he listens to their words, making sure that they understand that he is listening. Looking into their eyes, taking every word and nodding when he needed to, shaking his head when he didn’t understand.  He had never been so quiet in his life, and he knows that his mother is watching over him, smiling and shaking his head. 

 

_ You always speak your mind, Alexander. And one day, there are people who are going to listen, and love you, and appreciate you for them. Just like I do.  _

 

“We’ll be here for you, every step of the way,” Martha said, and Alexander nods his head again. She’s said it, multiple times, in many different ways, in the last hour and he appreciates it all the same. “It’s been hard for you, and we understand if you need time. You can take your time…” 

 

“I’ll be alright,” he said, and Alexander looks up to find both the Washingtons looking at him with slightly widened eyes. Alexander looks at them both, and then nods his head again, this time, a small smile on his face. 

 

“Your words...all these things you’re saying, I believe them,” he continues, biting his lip slightly, his hand shaking slightly, as if trying to grasp a pen that’s not there. His words come fast to him most of the time, but with the hurricane still ringing in his ears, at the back of his mind, at the depths of his soul, making him choke every time he thinks he’s finally alright, it’s been slow. Yet he knows that it will come back. The words. They always do. 

 

“I believe you...I will be alright…” he says, and George lets out a soft laugh that sounds a little choked, and Martha smiles the sweetest and brightest smile that reminds him so much of his mother. And that, that builds his resolve. He suddenly wanted to make them proud, and make them happy, and he nods again, smiling, and when Martha went to hug him, he leaned into her touch and pressed his face against her shoulder and sighed. 

 

“That’s right, Alexander,” Martha had whispered, as he lets his eyes close. “You will be alright. And that will be enough.” 

 

\---

 

THE START: JOHN LAURENS

 

It all started when his mother passed away and John was left his father and four younger siblings. 

 

They were not an ideal family, to say the least. His father was obsessed with work, and although he provided his family with more than plentiful enough of resources to survive, he was never there for anything that was worth counting on. John saw him very rarely in the early stages of his life, and when he did, it never made a very good memory. 

 

His father seemed so angry all the time, and his mother received the brunt of it. She would shield all of John and his siblings from the crossfire that was their father whenever things didn’t go well at work, or when he was just...not in the mood. The first time that John had seen his father lay a hand on his mother, was also the day his father first hit him. 

 

“Why did you do that to Mama?!” John had yelled, running forward and shielding his mother, who was laying on the floor, holding onto her cheek that was quickly turning bruised, and was cut by his father’s college signet ring. “Why would you hit Mama just because you’re angry about work!?” he had continued to yell, ignoring his mother as she tried to grab him from behind. 

 

“John please…” she had whimpered, only to scream loudly when suddenly John’s father was there, and John couldn’t breathe. 

 

He remembered scrambling as he felt his father’s hand on his neck, squeezing for only a couple of seconds but it felt like an eternity. Then he was thrown to the side, hitting the table hard enough that it made him yell out in pain. When he fell back on the floor, he barely registered it, because there was a boot in his gut, and he was crying. 

 

“Don’t you dare get in my way again!” his father had hissed, voice deep and angry, and it made John sob loudly. He curled up in a ball as his father stomped away. Then after he heard the door of his office slam open and shut, his mother was there, grabbing him in her arms, and kissing his cheeks and his forehead, and nose, sobbing the whole time. 

 

“Oh my sweet hero,” she sobbed out, kissing his cheeks again, stroking his hair. “Oh John…” 

 

It was a day of firsts. It was also a day of lasts, because a month later, his mother died in hit and run. And John had to protect, and protect, and protect until he couldn’t any longer. He ended up in the hospital, and his lies stopped holding up, and his father ended up in prison. Then the system came for John and his siblings, in which they were separated. 

 

“Please...don’t...don’t separate them. Keep them together, please!” John had begged the couple that was looking to adopt his two younger brothers. The couple looked at him with sympathy, and then shared a look. Then, with a nod, they gave John their promised that they would all be together. On the other side of the country. 

 

And John was left alone, with the hope that this couple kept their promise and kept his siblings safe and sound. 

 

He was only 17.

 

\---

  
  


THE START: GILBERT AND THOMAS LAFAYETTE-JEFFERSON

 

The Lafayettes were rich. Insanely rich. They were old money, from old France, and had old values, and tight rules. 

 

The Jeffersons were the same. Old money, from old, conservative, South of the USA. 

 

Two prideful families, who produced proud, ambitious children, who happened to meet one another and fall in love. Or so they thought. But by the time they realized, they had a reputation to protect, and a legacy to built. So they stayed together, for the sake of both their names. 

 

And produced twin sons.

 

And raised them, or at least, tried to. 

 

They stayed in France for the first ten years, and Gilbert and Thomas grew happy, and close. They shared a bedroom, and then later on, shared adjacent rooms with a door connecting each one.

 

“I will always take care of my brother,” Thomas had declared, at the tender age of six, clutching Gilbert’s hand as his twin grinned beside him, all straight back, chest puffed. 

 

“And I will take care of Tommy!” he replied, bursting into giggles when his twin poked his side, squinting at him. 

 

“I don’t like that nickname,  _ Gibby _ ,” Thomas said, and Gilbert just laughed even louder. Their caretakers, the only ones who had ever been around as their parents couldn’t stand to be in the same room with one another, clapped at them, soft, sad smiles on their faces. Not that the children could tell. 

 

“I’m sure you will,” one of them had said. And they meant it.

 

But sometimes, things change, no matter how much you meant it.

 

They were twelve when they started their home lessons, when their parents insisted that they get more education that they were already getting traditionally. So they had a tutor come everyday and they hated him. There was something...off. They didn’t feel comfortable, especially Gilbert. This teacher made it a point to try and get him alone, as Thomas would always snap at him, and take Gilbert with him every time he saw them alone. 

 

“You stick with me, Gilbert,” he whispered softly, one night as he held his twin, who nodded softly, shaking. Their teacher was getting worse, and Thomas was afraid. “I’ll protect you, I promised. Remember?”

 

And he kept that promise. For months he kept the teacher away, and it just was him, and Gilbert against the world. 

 

Until it wasn’t. 

 

“No, what do you mean I have to go away!” Thomas had screamed, struggling against the caretaker that was holding him back, eyes wide as the others pack away his things, with his mother’s. She did not say a word as he struggled, looking like a cold statue. 

 

“You are staying with your mother in America. And Gilbert will stay with me,” his father replied from across the room, as Gilbert started to sob, and tried to reach for his brother. But his father held on tight on his wrist. 

 

“No, no, no, Tommy don’t leave me!” Gilbert yelled out, and Thomas struggled, he struggled so much, but they just kept pulling him away. His twin didn’t call him that unless he was truly scared, truly upset, and Thomas could see the horror in his eyes. His heart dropped, realizing that Gilbert would be alone. Who was going to protect him? 

 

“It’s easier this way,” his mother finally said, and the twins watch as their parents nod to each other as if this was nothing but a business transaction with them. A compromise. An exchange. 

 

“No, no,  _ no! _ Gilbert, Gibby I’ll be back, I promise I’ll be back!” he screamed, as they dragged him away and shoved him into a car, his twin’s sobs ringing in his ears. 

 

The separation hardened him. Made him cruel, in some sense of the word. He was untouchable, and he cared for no one, and spared no feelings. He barely had friends in school, but that didn’t matter. He barely got to talk to Gilbert. Didn’t see him at all. Their parents forbid them from seeing each other, just out of spite. They were pawns in their parents’ own power play, and it was not fair, and Thomas hated it. He hated it so much. They even changed their names. Thomas was just a Jefferson now. And Gilbert was a Lafayette. They separated them, took the most precious person away from each of them, and even took a piece of their identity. 

 

So Thomas had a goal, and that goal was to get home. He worked hard, and worked against his mother’s wishes. He didn’t have to. They had the money, but his mother blocked him, only giving him what he needed, but never enough to save to go back home. 

 

So he worked. He worked and he worked. He never forgot his goal, his language, his promise. He never forgot Gilbert. He worked until he was 17, and then he had enough. To go home. To get back to his twin. And to get him out. And to start a life away from everything. From his parents. He just wanted to be back with Gilbert, and protect him. 

 

He stormed the house when he arrived, and the caretakers that lasted welcomed him with open arms, and immediately told him where his twin was. It’s been 4 years, and his last memory of the house was the worst day of his life, which was days away from their 13th birthday. 

 

“Gilbert!” he called out, running towards his brother’s room, and slamming the door open. 

 

Gilbert shot up from the bed, eyes wide. Then he looks at Thomas, before a soft sob comes to his lips, and then he’s scrambling madly towards his twin. 

 

“Tommy, Tommy!” 

 

Thomas met him, kneeling on the bed, grabbing him, and trying to hold on, and he could feel his brother against him, shaking. Scared.  He heard him sobbing, screaming into his neck, before he tried to push him away but Thomas clung to him. That’s when he noticed that his brother had completely been naked under the blanket.

 

“Gibby--”

 

Suddenly, Gilbert freezed. Then his breath hitched. Then he struggled, hard. “Laisse-moi! Evadez-vou maintenant!” Gilbert yelled at him, and Thomas stared, wide-eyed. 

 

“W--What?” Get away? Why was Gilbert telling him to leave him? 

 

Gilbert looked up, eyes wide and crazed, pushing at him. 

 

“Aller! Avant son retour! Avant qu’il ne vous voit...” Gilbert rattled out, and the door that Thomas remembered once led to his childhood bedroom opened, and there stood their teacher. 

 

Who was just as naked. 

 

And Thomas saw red. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> “Laisse-moi! Evadez-vou maintenant!" - "Leave me! Get away now!"
> 
> “Aller! Avant son retour! Avant qu’il ne vous voit...” - "Go! Before he returns! Before he sees you..."


	2. two years later, they meet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two years after the start, they all meet...

When John Laurens enters his dorm room, he nearly weeps at the sight of the bed. He hasn’t had a bed in at least two years that wasn’t the floor, or just a pile of blankets that barely did anything against the cold. And that includes his last foster parents who tried their hardest, because even then he had to just deal with a thin mattress on the floor. He drops off his one duffel worth of things and sits down on the left bed, before flopping back, unable to help the tears of happiness in his eyes.

 

“Finally here,” he whispers to himself, taking a deep breath. Two years since the worst year of his life, then a bad but still better year after, which was then followed by the best year of his life. Which was last year, when he finally landed foster parents that gave a damn about him, and helped him achieve this goal of getting an actual proper education. On a full ride. In the sciences. 

 

It truly breath-taking. This was a start of a new life. 

 

Suddenly, the door opens and he jumps, his hand grabbing at his chest when he feels his heart thump in fear. Immediately, his free arm goes up to shield his face and it takes a couple of seconds for him to realize that he’s in his dorm room and  _ his father wasn’t there _ . 

 

_ “I am so sorry _ ,” he hears someone say in the most sincere voice he’s ever heard, and he slowly lowers his hands to find a boy, who might be his age, but it’s hard to tell. He was small, short really, with dark black hair that went up to just his collarbone, that he kept tucked behind one ear. Yep, ‘boy’ definitely comes to mind.

 

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” the boy continues, staring at him, and John gulps, nodding softly. 

 

“Uh...it’s fine,” he says, before standing up and walking over. “Uh, here, let me...let me help?” he asks, sheepishly, seeing that the boy had so much stuff with him. At least two suitcases, and a backpack.

 

With a smile, the boy nods, and enters the room completely, pulling one of the suitcases, and John goes pass him to grab the other, pulling it inside as well. 

 

“I’m Alexander Hamilton. Well, Washington. Well both, but I don’t think I’ll ever be used to that,” the boy, Alexander, says. John smiles at him, before he blinks, recognizing the name.

 

“You’re the senator’s son,” he says, putting his hand up to shake his hand, and Alexander chuckles, shaking his head as he accepts it.

 

“I’m adopted. Officially. Last year. So yeah, I guess I am,” Alexander says, and his smile is bright, dark eyes twinkling, to the point that John finds himself smiling back.

 

“I’m John Laurens,” he says, finally, sitting back on his bed as Alexander starts to settle on his own side of the dorm. He doesn’t even question John’s choice, he just goes for the free one. 

 

“Nice to meet you,” Alexander replies, curling up slightly as he sits down, and hugging his legs close to his chest. Then he looks at John as if he’s trying to figure him out, and John finds himself looking down, feeling a little awkward. 

 

“Uh...is there something on my face?” he asks softly, and Alexander grins, before shaking his head.

 

“No...it’s just...constellations,” he says, voice small, and John blinks, looking up, to find the boy still staring. 

 

“What?” 

 

Alexander laughs again, and John wants him to never stop. “Your freckles...they’re like constellations. Beautiful,” he says, before blinking. Then his face turns red when he realizes what he just said, and looks down, coughing. 

 

And John just blinks at him, his own cheeks turning pink. 

 

Well damn. 

 

\---

 

“ Je suis désolé.”

 

Thomas bites his lip as he kneels behind his twin, currently braiding the sides of his hair down, in the process of pulling it in a tight ponytail. They had a floor meeting to go to in their dorm, and he knows Gilbert hates having his hair out like he does. So Thomas always did it for him. “Pour quoi?” he asks back, and he feels Gilbert shift, and he shakes his head. “Don’t move, I’m nearly done. Now why are you apologizing?” he asks, softly. 

 

Gilbert stops moving, and doesn’t say anything, just staring ahead at the mirror in front of them. They’re identical twins, but it’s easy to spot who is who, and not for good reasons. Gilbert was thinner, his muscles not as pronounced. His cheeks are a little bit sunken, and he didn’t have that spark in his eyes that Thomas had. He was also paler. Unhealthy. 

 

It’s been two years since, and Thomas just wants him better. He tugs gently on a stray tight curl and secures the braid, before tapping his twin’s forehead. 

 

“Gibby, pour quoi?” he asks softly, and Gilbert blinks, looking up at him. Thomas gives him a small smile, before kissing his forehead. “Tell me why you’re apologizing.”

 

Gilbert takes a deep breath, and gulps. “B--Because I’m…” he starts, and Thomas smiles, glad that his brother is trying to speak English, practicing, especially now that they’re both in the US. “Because we’re in college and I’m still not better...because I let hi---” he starts, and Thomas shakes his head, dropping on his thighs and looking at Gilbert, hands framing his face, former task forgotten. 

 

“You didn’t let him do anything. None of that was your fault, Gibby!” he says, his voice choked, but he will repeat it again and again until his twin believes him. “Please don’t ever think that--”

 

“He said it!” Gilbert gasps out, curling up now, as Thomas holds him. “He said...he said it’s me...because I...looked at him like...because I looked like this and I was asking for it…” he continues, tears streaming down his face now. His hands are going to his hair, pulling at the tight curls, fingers turning white, and Thomas reaches over and stops him, shaking his head again and again. 

 

“No, no, no. He was sick. He was so sick, and that’s not...that’s not your fault!” Thomas whispers fiercely, and he clutches him tighter, his fingers tingling in pain from the pressure. His hands haven’t been the same since he broke several fingers when he tried to punch the living hell out of the man who hurt his twin. 

 

Gilbert sobs softly, and falls on him completely, and Thomas just holds him. 

 

“I want you to believe me one day...please,” Thomas whispers, and Gilbert just stays there, silent like always, before taking a deep breath. 

 

“Can we...finish my hair,” Gilbert asks softly afterwards, and Thomas laughs tearily, nodding. It was almost absurd, this whole thing. But he needed to go with it, to be the strong one. No matter how tired. No matter how he feels like he’s fraying at the edges. Slowly, steadily going insane as he does it alone, cursing his parents in his mind, not caring that they felt so guilty that they let him decide their future for the both of them. He gets back on his knees behind Gilbert, and starts the braid on the other side. 

 

“Of course darling,” Thomas whispers, kissing his forehead, and Gilbert smiles, wiping his eyes, looking back up at the mirror, into his eyes.

 

“Merci.”

 

\---

 

John thought it was a good idea to go to the floor meeting together, and Alexander agreed, tagging along with his roommate, the awkwardness of what he said still ringing at the back of his head. But John was gracious enough not to say anything and Alexander was so grateful. 

 

“What’s your major?” Alexander asks as they walk down the hallway to the elevator. The meeting was in the common room in about fifteen minutes. 

 

“No major yet,” John says, hand in his pockets, smiling softly at him. “Just in the sciences for now. Maybe biology?” he says, shrugging. Alexander smiles in understanding. 

 

“That’s amazing. I want to go into law, so I’m taking general studies, literature and political science,” he says, and smirks when John blinks at him. “What, too much?” he asks, and John shakes his head with a small smile. 

 

“No just...impressive,” he says softly, before reaching over and poking Alexander’s nose, making him go cross-eyed. “You’re a smart one, aren’t you?” he says, and Alexander blinks, cheeks going pink. They’re standing by the elevator now, waiting for it to come. 

 

“So I’ve been told?” Alexander says, and John laughs, shaking his head. 

 

“Smart ass too,” he says, grinning and Alexander growls at him. “Hey!” 

 

They hear the soft ding and the elevator arrives. Alexander steps in first, and John follows him. They both lean against the back of the elevator after John presses the ground floor button, and just waits for the doors close. As it starts, they hear a call. 

 

“Hold it!” 

 

Alexander scrambles forward to press the button just as a large hand appears between the gap, gripping metal and stopping it with force. As it opens, a tall figure steps in, followed by another. They’re holding hands. A tight, death-grip, and it makes Alexander look up at them.

 

Twins. Tall, dark, handsome twins. 

 

It sounds cliche, but that’s what it is. Large brown eyes, with black curls so tight and voluminous. The one in front of him had it out, carefree and bouncing, and the one behind had it in a tight ponytail, braided at the sides. 

 

The one behind watches, and Alexander sees how his eyes widen, and suddenly, he looks scared. Then Alexander notices the difference, of how no matter how identical they are, the one farther away from him was different. Smaller...scared...it reminded him of…

 

“What the  _ fuck _ do you think you’re looking at?”

 

Suddenly, there’s a hand onto his chest and he’s getting pushed against the wall, and John is yelling, scrambling for him. The twin that entered first was in his face, glaring at him and he looks absolutely enraged. Alexander just stares at him, his words caught in his throat probably for the first time since two years ago, and it angers his attacker even more, especially since Alexander doesn’t look back at him, but at his twin.

 

“Stop staring at him like that!” the guy yells again, and he’s shaking Alexander, just as the elevator doors close and they start to move. 

 

“Hey, hey, back off,  _ back off! _ ” John yells, gripping the man’s wrist now, and trying to pull him away from Alexander. “No one was doing anything--” 

 

“Is he alright?” Alexander gasps out. 

 

At his words, both John and the guy pushing him against the wall freezes, and stares at him. 

 

“What?” the guy spits out, and Alexander gulps, this time looking at him. 

 

“Your twin...is he alright?” he asks again, and this time, it’s gentle. He’s trying so hard to be gentle, because he can see that under all the anger, this guy who’s grabbing him, was shaking. He was just as afraid. 

 

The guy turns, and sure enough, his twin is standing at the opposite corner, his hands curled into fists and he looks like he wants to grab at his hair, as he presses them tight against his temples, eyes closed. 

 

“ S'il vous plaît...Je suis désolé…” Alexander could hear him mutter, a wet, whimpering sound. Suddenly, there’s no one gripping him and he falls to his ass on the floor, and John’s there helping him up. They both turn to watch as the guy scrambles for his twin, wrapping him in his arms, and just...shielding him. He’s stroking his back with one hand, the other finding one of the tight fists and gripping, forcing them to open, intertwining their fingers. 

 

“Don’t apologize, I’m here...Gil---” they hear, and the twin that’s scared, and crying shakes his head, looking up. 

 

“ _ Lafayette! Je suis Lafayette!” _ he screams at his twin, and the other...Alexander has never seen anyone look so defeated. He feels John jump beside him, and he can’t blame him. 

 

“No...you can’t...you can’t make me call you that, please...anyone else but me…” comes the response and Alexander feels John grip his shoulder, and it makes him gulp. They’re not meant to hear any of this, and they both know it. But it didn’t matter to the twins. They were alone in their own world. 

 

“Je suis Lafayette! Nous sommes en public, s'il vous plaît. Je ne veux pas être puni…” The words come out fast, and desperate and Alexander’s heart drops, a small gasp coming from his lips. John looks confused at his reaction, but the guy who attacked him looks up and zeros in on him, eyes widening the slightest when he realized that Alexander could understand him. Then his gaze hardens, and Alexander knows, deep in his heart, that it’s a silent warning, before he turns back to his twin. 

 

“You know that’s not going to happen. I am not calling you that and you are safe. But if it is what you want, I will...” he says defeatedly, trailing off as his twin nods, wiping at his eyes. Then, after a moment, they pull away from each other, still holding hands. The guy that attacked Alexander gives them both a wry smile, eyes blank. 

 

“Hello. This my twin, Lafayette,” he says, motioning to his twin, and he spits the name out like it’s poison. Lafayette’s eyes widen, and Alexander knows that something’s wrong. Something’s terribly wrong. 

 

Then he watches as the guy who attacked him, who looked angry, scared, terrified in such rapid succession hardened, and who he knows deeply cares for his twin, let go of said twin’s hand to press it on his chest, bowing mockingly towards Alexander and John, just as the elevator stops.

 

“And I am Jefferson.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> Je suis désolé = "I am sorry."  
> Pour quoi? = "Why?"  
> S'il vous plaît = "Please"  
> Lafayette! Je suis Lafayette! = "Lafayette! I am Lafayette!"  
> Je suis Lafayette! Nous sommes en public, s'il vous plaît. Je ne veux pas être puni… = "I am Lafayette! We’re in public, please. I don’t want to be punished.”


	3. he needs help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Alexander persevere, and Thomas comes to a realization.

When the elevator door opens, Jefferson turns and exits first, and leaves Lafayette behind. 

 

John feels himself bristling in anger when he sees Lafayette flinch, and he goes to say something. However, before he can do so, Jefferson pauses and reaches out for Lafayette’s hand. 

 

“C’mon,” he says, and his voice is heavy and weak, and John almost feels bad. But this is the same guy that pushed Alexander against the wall, and answered the whole situation with violence. It was uncalled for and he hated it. Lafayette blinks, and takes Jefferson’s hand, but before he follows, he turns to both John and Alexander. 

 

“I...I am very sorry,” he says, his voice heavily accented, and genuine. Then he bows his head slightly towards them before following Jefferson out of the elevator completely. John stares at them for a moment before looking at Alexander, who’s staring at the twins as they walk away.

 

“Are you alright?” he asks softly, and Alexander nods, biting on his lip. 

 

“Yeah I am…” comes Alexander’s reply after a beat, and together they exit the elevator, as it starts to beep close. “But I don’t think those two are…” he adds softly, and John nods in agreement as they make their way down the hall.

 

There are arrows directing them towards the common room where they’re meant to have this floor meeting. It’s hard to miss when they find it because it’s suddenly so loud and full of students just chattering away. So much so that John nearly missed the fact that the meeting had started and people just didn’t care. “Wow…” John whispers, and Alexander shakes his head, before he’s walking over to one of the tables and climbing up. “Woah, Alexander--”

 

He puts his four fingers into his mouth and lets out the loudest whistle that John’s ever heard. Everyone suddenly freezes and looks up at Alexander, who throws his hands up, and motions towards the make-do stage at the front. 

 

“The lady is talking, have some respect, damn!” he yells out, and John snorts out a laugh. Others giggle and laugh with him, and the girl that was talking gives Alexander a bright smile. Alexander smiles back, and John helps him get off the table. 

 

“Thank you,” she says, before turning to the crowd again. “Now that I have your attention...my name is Eliza Schuyler, and I’ll be your RA for the 14th floor. Since there are 15 floors in total, making us the largest dorm on campus, there’s a rep for each floor, and they all report back to Angelica Schuyler who’s the rep for the whole dorm…” 

 

John tries to listen, the entire time, but he finds himself looking around instead. He sees Alexander doing the same thing and he knows that he’s looking for the twins. He grabs his arm, and makes their way to the other side at the back, and sure enough, the twins are at the corner, facing the stage. 

 

They were the only ones not on their feet, opting to sit on the chairs lined up against the wall. Lafayette’s sitting in the very corner, and Jefferson is shielding him from the rest of the room. As soon as John and Alexander gets just a few feet closer, Jefferson looks up, and his eyes harden for a moment before he sighs. 

 

“What do you want?” he asks, voice soft, and John knows that’s not his usual stance. Something tells him this man is not this beaten down, naturally, and that something happened to make him that way. Hundred bucks says it’s whatever made Lafayette the way he is. 

 

“Nothing, we just wanted to be sure you’re alright,” Alexander says, and he’s sitting right beside Jefferson, who blinks and looks at him incredulously, but doesn’t say anything else. Meanwhile, Lafayette leans forward, giving Alexander a small smile, and nodding to John as well. 

 

“Thank you for asking,” Lafayette whispers, and as he shifts, John could see that he’s holding hands with his twin. “I’m sorry for...for what happened at the elev--” he starts, but Alexander and Jefferson are both shaking their heads. 

 

“You don’t have to apologize for that,” they say in unison, before glaring at each other. Lafayette blinks, and John lets out a soft laugh. Then he turns his attention Lafayette. 

 

“These two dum dums are right, no need for apologies,” he adds, ignoring Jefferson and Alexander’s indignant cries at his name calling. 

 

“You don’t even know me!” 

 

“And you’ve known me for half an hour!”

 

John shakes his head and turns to them. “Anyone who thought it was a good idea to fight in an elevator is a dum dum to me, dum dums,” he retorts, and Alexander goes to refute, but John puts his hand up. “I know. You’re the tiny one of the two dum dums. Jefferson is the big dum dum.”

 

“The biggest,” Lafayette says, and everyone freezes, including Jefferson. Then he’s staring at his twin as Lafayette’s face breaks into a grin. Not a smile, but a grin. A small one, but it’s a big difference. Alexander bursts into a fit of giggles at the sight, and judging by how Jefferson’s matching his twin’s grin and pulling him close, John knows that he’s said the right thing. 

 

\---

 

“OK everyone! Now since I’m supposed to know all of you, I’d like to at least be able match names to faces. So just bare with me for a couple of more minutes while I do a roll call,” Eliza says, before burnishing a piece of paper that had all of the students’ names on it. 

 

Thomas looks up, an arm still wrapped around Gilbert’s waist, holding him close. John’s still standing up and Alexander’s now scrambling to stand on the chair right next to Thomas. 

 

“I’m not catching you if you fall down…” Thomas says in a sing-song voice, Gilbert poking him on the side. 

 

“Be nice,” he says, and Thomas smiles, but he feels a twinge in his chest. Usually it’s  _ be nice, Tommy _ . Or whatever, but it was always followed by his nickname. But they’re in public, and everyone’s here, and Gilbert has it in his mind even years later that he will get punished if he doesn’t refer to himself as Lafayette. He wasn’t there when it started, and he still doesn’t know how or what happened to make it stick. And no matter what he says, Gilbert refuses to listen. It’s probably because he believes that because they’re twins, he’s just saying what he’s saying to make him feel better. And it’s not true.

 

So for now, until Thomas breaks through, until someone breaks through, even by a little, he doesn't call Gilbert by his first name in public. He painfully introduces him to everyone else as Lafayette, but otherwise never uses the name, and Gilbert doesn't call him by Thomas, doesn’t call him Tommy, in return. Every time it needs to happen, every time he needs to introduce his twin, Thomas feels like he dies a little inside. 

 

And these deaths have created a whole plethora of people who think that their actual names are Lafayette and Jefferson from the last two years of their lives, and Thomas is exhausted. Sometimes he wishes that he can close his eyes and just never open them again. But then he remembers Gilbert, and he shakes it off, puts on a brave face and keeps going.  

 

Either way, this roll-call is going to be quite interesting. He vaguely hears Eliza’s voice calling out names and people yelling that they were present. 

 

“Don’t worry, Lafayette,” Alexander says from beside Thomas, and he wants to flinch so badly, but instead he looks up at him, Gilbert doing the same. This kid’s grinning down at them, looking all bright and happy. “I’m scrappy, I’ll be OK if I fall.” Thomas can believe it. Alexander definitely looks scrappy. And tiny too. Definitely tiny.

 

“I’ll catch you,” John says to Alexander, almost like an afterthought and Thomas rolls his eyes while Gilbert shakes his head. 

 

“Alexander Hamilton Washington!” 

 

Thomas’ eyebrows shoot up. The senator’s son, huh? Interesting. 

 

They all look up as Alexander raises his hand, grinning. “Here!” he yells out, then he’s waving both arms and nearly smacking Thomas at the side of the head, making him growl. When people realize he’s the kid that whistled at the beginning, people holler over him. 

 

“Way to go, kid!” yells out one, a dark, handsome guy standing on their far right, all large and imposing, but with the happiest grin on his face. Alexander gives him a wave and Thomas rolls his eyes. 

 

“Got a crush there, Alexander?” he asks, and Alexander taps his shoulder with his toe, making Thomas grimace. “Ugh, get your foot away from me.”

 

“So what if I do?” Alexander says, and then he’s looking at the guy who hollered, before sighing, somewhat whimsically. “I’d climb him.”

 

John bursts out in laughter, high-fiving Alexander, and Thomas rolls his eyes. He half expected John to be jealous, really. Meanwhile, Gilbert frowns in confusion. 

 

“I don’t understand,” he says and Thomas just shakes his head, kissing his temple softly, in reflex. “That’s OK. It’s better that way,” he replies, just as Gilbert turns into him, and Thomas pulls him into a full hug, rubbing his back.

 

There’s a pause and Gilbert’s breath hitches, then he pulls away a little and blinks at him, eyes dimming slightly. “Is it sex?” he whispers to Thomas, voice small and Thomas nods slowly. “Yeah...but he’s joking around,” he replies immediately, rubbing Gilbert’s shoulder now. He wants  him to understand because he doesn’t know Alexander, but it was obvious that Alexander was joking. Soon, thankfully, his twin nods, and doesn’t give any indication that he wants to get away from Alexander, but he does lean in further into Thomas’ embrace. 

 

“I hate sex,” Gilbert whispers, almost to himself. “It hurts.” Thomas gulps, and holds his twin tighter, swallowing down the tears that threatened to come. 

 

“Thomas Jefferson!” 

 

Thomas closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath before pulling away from Gilbert, and standing up, still holding his twin’s hand. “Present!”

 

Everyone turns to the sound of his voice, and a lot of them zero in on his and Gilbert’s hand. His twin doesn’t pull away, if anything Gilbert holds it tighter. He doesn’t turn back to him, but instead stands his ground and raises an eyebrow, eyes hardening, daring anyone to say something. Then he turns his gaze to Eliza, who gives him a sweet smile, nodding. Then she moves onto the next name. But as she does, Thomas can see how confused she gets when one, it’s not the same last name as his, and two, it’s a totally different person that’s not Gilbert standing up. And she’s not the only one. It takes about three more names for them to turn around.

 

Thomas rolls his eyes and sits back down. Alexander and John are looking at them, but they don’t look as confused. If anything, they look like they understand. Interesting.

 

“Gilbert Lafayette!” 

 

Thomas feels Gilbert freeze beside him, and he turns, trying to give the most encouraging smile he could muster. “Go on,” he says, and his twin nods, standing up. 

 

“H--Here!” he says, as loud as he can, and John takes a step to the side so Eliza can see him. Immediately, her face shows how confused she is, and unlike Thomas, Gilbert doesn’t take it to stride. 

 

“Je suis desole…” he mutters, and Thomas is shaking his head, squeezing his hand. “Don’t. You’re alright, OK? Don’t apologize…” he says to him, firmly, and Gilbert’s sitting down, and Thomas is holding him close and kissing his forehead, just wanting him to calm down, because he’s shaking. He’s shaking so much all of a sudden. People start to mutter around them, whispering, judging and Thomas feels his blood boil. He growls and goes to face them, to dare them to say anything to his face, but Gilbert lets out a sob and Thomas’ heart breaks and something snaps in his mind and he feels like he’s going to throw up in grief. 

 

Instead, Thomas grips Gilbert’s hand tighter, trying to get the words out, but it’s choked and the whispers are getting louder, and he doesn’t know what to do. Where’s his brave face now?

 

What was he supposed to do?


	4. the four of us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some choice words are said, and Thomas is overwhelmed by everything so far.

_ “Hey, back off, and listen for your own names, or fuck off!”  _

 

Thomas snaps out of his thoughts and looks up as John yells towards the crowd of students, and it makes everyone pause. Then John turns to Eliza, and Thomas just knows that he’s glaring at her, judging by how Eliza’s eyes widened and suddenly Angelica is glaring, her hands going to her hips. “Miss, can you continue so we can go to lunch?” John says loudly.

 

Eliza blinks, and then, she nods softly. “Of course...John Laurens?” she calls out, still staring at John, and Alexander laughs softly. John holds her gaze, puts his hand up and tilts his head to the side. “Here,” he says, turning a little towards the twins and Alexander to show a truly fake smile on his face. Angelica’s still glaring at him from the stage, but John just turns back to her and gives her the same smile. Then he puts his hand down, turns and walks towards Thomas and Gilbert, face now solemn. 

 

Alexander has since jumped down from his chair, landing gracefully, and has been kneeling beside Thomas, and he didn’t even notice. John does the same beside Gilbert, and they’re almost in sync. Together, they’re basically shielding Gilbert and himself from everyone else, and Thomas is ridiculously grateful. His head, and the buzzing in his mind clears a little, and  turns his attention to his twin again. Gilbert’s still shaking, tears are streaming down his face and his eyes are tightly closed.

 

“Hey, let’s get him out, it’s too overwhelming in here,” Alexander says softly, but urgently. Thomas gulps, looking at Alexander, before nodding. As soon as he does, Alexander turns to his twin, and places gentle hands on his shoulder. Gilbert flinches and squeezes Thomas’ hand tighter, and his fingers protest so much in pain that he wants to throw up, and punch Alexander at the same time. 

 

“Nous vous en sortir. Tu es en sécurité. Tu iras bien,” Alexander says, and Gilbert’s eyes shot open, Thomas looking at Alexander, vaguely hearing the name “James Madison” getting called out.  

 

“Yeah, I speak it too. Questions later. Talk to your twin,” he says, and Thomas nods, before gulping. “Allons, mon amour. Je prendrai soin de toi,” he says, and he feels Alexander putting a hand against his own arm, and he flinches, but allows himself to be assisted to stand. John does the same to Gilbert, and they make their way to the nearest exit, Thomas vaguely hearing Eliza yelling out the name “Hercules Mulligan,” followed by a bout of laughter. 

 

Thomas probably would have laughed too, because what is up with that name? But right now, Gilbert is still shaking, and he’s not stopping and they needed to get him out--

 

“Jefferson! Stay with me,” John hisses, and he blinks and finds John looking at him with wide, concerned eyes. He gulps, and looks back at Gilbert, and that’s when he realized that they got out of the room, and are now standing in the hall, with Alexander pulling at his arm. 

 

“Here, this study room’s empty,” Alexander says, and soon they’re following him inside. John closes the door behind them, flips the sign from Vacant to Occupied and shuts the blinds. Thomas sits Gilbert down, and then kneels in front of him, letting go of his hand, fingers now numb and taking his twin's face in both of his hands, kissing his forehead. 

 

“Hey, you’re alright. You’re safe, alright? I’m here…” Thomas says, voice begging, wanting Gilbert to understand. “C’mon Gibby please…” 

 

“Non…” Gilbert moans out as soon as he hears his name, shaking his head, and John looks worried, and confused. And Thomas can’t blame him. Alexander on the other hand, shakes his head. “Thomas...can I try?” he whispers, and Thomas bites his lip. 

 

“If you hurt him I swear to god,” he starts, voice choked, and Alexander shakes his head solemnly. 

 

“I wouldn’t dream of it, just...let me? Please? That way you’ll see and maybe it’ll help later?” Alexander replies in a way that makes Thomas want to believe him, tears coming to his eyes he’s so frustrated. Then he nods, and lets go of Gilbert, shifting backwards and dropping on his thighs, staring at them. 

 

Alexander sits down beside Gilbert and gently takes one of his twin’s hands. Gilbert whimpers, and Thomas jumps, and suddenly, John’s there, putting a hand against his shoulder. 

 

“Just wait,” John whispers, and how can this guy trust Alexander so much? Does he even know him?

 

“Lafayette,” Alexander starts, squeezing his hand gently, looking at Gilbert, eyes searching, trying to catch his gaze. “Hey, can you look up? That’s it,” he coaxes, as Gilbert looks up, and John’s hand is tightening against Thomas’ shoulder because yeah, Gilbert is a mess. He looks even paler, eyes red-rimmed and he just looks like he's in pain and sick. Thomas is used to seeing it, and it sucks and he hates it. 

 

“That’s good, just focus on my voice alright? Do you know where you are?” Alexander says, voice soft but firm, and Gilbert blinks, slowly. Then he looks at Thomas, who does his best to nod. 

 

“I--I’m…” he starts, before looking around, and it takes a couple of seconds, but slowly the stiffness on Gilbert’s shoulders softens, and he looks back at Alexander. “I’m not...not there...I’m not in my room,” he whispers, and Thomas closes his eyes and he feels like he might tilt over, but John’s hand keeps him steady.

 

“That’s right, you’re not in the room,” Alexander says gently, nodding his head with a small smile. “Good...what else do you notice?” he adds, motioning him to look around again, which Gilbert does. At first he looks at John, for a good couple of seconds, and Thomas glances up at the guy to find him smiling at Gilbert gently, and Thomas is so thankful. Then his twin turns to Alexander, who smiles brightly at him, nodding encouragingly but not saying anything. Finally, he turns to Thomas, and stares at him, eyes widening slightly, before he smiles, and it throws Thomas off so much he starts to cry, and he ducks his head, just as Gilbert turns back to Alexander. 

 

Alexander seems to be breaking through to Gilbert, and Thomas could kiss him. 

 

“It’s...It’s just us...no one else…” Gilbert says softly. “He...He’s not here…” he gasps out, and Thomas looks up sharply to find Alexander nodding fiercely. 

 

“Yes, it’s just us, and no one else. So you’re safe here. You won’t get punished. You won’t get in trouble. You can be yourself. You can be  _ you _ and have your name, and you will be fine,” he says slowly, deliberately, wanting Gilbert to understand each syllable. “It’s just the four of us, and that’s good, because you know why?” he asks and Gilbert shakes his head. 

 

Alexander gives a small smile, and then he glances at Thomas, and Thomas just knows that whatever Alexander is going to say is not just for his twin, but himself as well. He meets his gaze, and nods minutely, before Alexander turns his full attention to Gilbert, squeezing his hand. 

 

“Because when it’s the four of us, you are safe, and protected, and you’ll be alright. Your twin? You know he’s always there, right?” he says, and Gilbert nods immediately, earnestly, and Thomas wants to sing. 

 

God bless Alexander Hamilton Washington.

 

“Tommy’s always there for me,” Gilbert says, voice soft, but so sure, and Thomas swallows back a sob, and John starts to rub his shoulder. “You’re a good brother,” Thomas heard John say, and he laughs wetly in reply.

 

And Alexander’s not done, because he smiles, and nods his head at Gilbert’s words, looking brighter and happier every second. “That’s right, and now? I’m going to make sure too. And so is John,” he says, pausing to give John a chance to corroborate his words, Gilbert looking up at him, and so is Thomas.

 

“You know it. I got your back, no worries,” John says, and he’s grinning and Gilbert’s smiling back with a small smile, like he can’t help himself, and it’s so beautiful and Thomas feels so alive. 

 

Alexander is staring at John too, and Thomas sees the look and he wants to tease him so badly, but holds himself back. Instead, he keeps his focus on Gilbert. “See?” Alexander continues, looking back at Gilbert now. “You can be you...you can be…” he stops, and looks at Thomas, nodding to him. At first, Thomas is confused, and then he blinks, turning to look into his twin’s eyes, not bothering to wipe the tears from his own face. 

 

“You can be Gilbert…” he whispers, and Gilbert’s breath hitches, but he doesn’t immediately shake his head, or run away, or scream. This is a breakthrough. He whimpers though, and Thomas is there immediately, wrapping an arm around his waist, pulling him into a close, side hug, so he can keep holding Alexander’s hand at the same time. John shifts closer, hand still on Thomas’ shoulder, and he feels grateful.

 

“You’re alright...it doesn’t have to be now, but know that you can be,” Thomas says, and the way Alexander’s nodding so fast that he might dislodge his head from his neck shows him that he said the right thing. Gilbert takes a deep breath and lets it out shakily, but he nods. And Thomas can see that he’s trying to process their words. And it makes Thomas so happy, even though he’s sobbing like a child. 

 

Alexander grins, and then looks up at John, and then back at the twins. “And for now? That will be enough,” he says with such passion that Thomas is so thankful. So thankful that these strangers exists, to hold his twin’s hand like Gilbert’s the most important in the world, and to grip his own shoulder, tethering him to the ground, giving him the support he needed, craved and begged for in his mind since this whole thing started. It’s crazy and overwhelming and he can’t stop crying. 

 

“You’ll be alright,” John whispers, and this time, it’s for him. The hand on his shoulder is rubbing now, offering comfort,  and Thomas is burying his face against Gilbert’s shoulder as he starts to shake from the force of his sobs. Then he feels his twin completely turn into his embrace, and for the first time since they were reunited,  _ he’s _ the one being held, and  _ he’s  _ one one getting comforted, and it’s just…

 

“Tommy,” Gilbert whispers, holding him closer, tighter and he says nothing else, and Thomas lets out another sob and buries his face against his neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> Je suis desole… = I am sorry.  
> Nous vous en sortir. Tu es en sécurité. Tu iras bien = We’ll get you out. You’re safe. You’ll be fine.  
> Allons, mon amour. Je prendrai soin de toi. = Let's go, my love. I'll take care of you.


	5. it may take a while

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Alexander have a talk, Thomas gets some rests, and Gilbert tries to cope with everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading this so far!

When John said that he wanted to get done so that they can go to lunch, he wasn’t joking. He really was hungry, and apparently, he isn’t the only one. 

 

“Tommy, m’hungry,” Lafayette whispers, stroking Jefferson’s hair as they sit against the wall. It took a while for either of them to calm down, Jefferson especially, and Alexander basically strong-armed them to moving from the chairs to just sitting on the floor with their backs against the walls. That way, Jefferson’s able to lean against Lafayette, and hold his hand, or curl up beside him. And they just left them be.

 

It’s so clear that Jefferson needed this cry. And sleep. And John’s willing to give it to him, especially since all he did was stare, look confuse and hold his shoulder. Alexander did all the work. He was just there. 

 

So now Jefferson’s eyes are close and Lafayette has an arm around him, his fingers lightly tugging at his twin’s curls. Alexander’s trying not to giggle beside John, and so he elbows him, putting a finger against his lips. Alexander rolls his eyes and turns back to the twins. 

 

“Tommy...hungry…” Lafayette says again, this time tugging on a curl at the top of his head and pulling hard. “Hungry, Tommy,” he repeats and Jefferson moans. 

 

“Gibby stop,” comes the reply, and Lafayette lets out a soft laugh, but his twin just keeps sleeping. John’s heart about melts at the sound and Alexander looks ready to bounce to the skies and back. Then he looks at Alexander and both of them mouth ‘Gibby?’, but they don’t say anything. In John’s mind, Thomas and Gilbert are going to be Jefferson and Lafayette, because to call them by their first names would be something of a privilege. Something that they have not earned yet. And he knows that Alexander thinks the same. 

 

Lafayette sighs and runs and hand over his face, before turning to them, face apologetic. “Am sorry...uh...he’s...a sloth? He can sleep for long time,” he explains and John nods in understanding. 

 

“You should go get food without us,” Lafayette continues, and John shakes his head. 

 

“How about we bring the food here? Alexander and I can get it,” he says, turning to his roommate who nods in agreement, already standing up, and offering his hand to John, who takes it graciously. 

 

“Yeah! And next time, you can get it. We’ll rotate!” Alexander says. “My turn first!” he says, grinning at John as he frowns. 

 

“Now wait, it was my idea…” he starts, but Alexander is shaking his head, already walking towards the door. 

 

“First, always!” Alexander exclaims, and Jefferson moans and buries his face against Lafayette’s neck. “Throw a shoe at him Gibby,” he grumbles out, and Lafayette laughs softly, shaking his head. 

 

“He will be quiet soon. And he will get you macaroni and cheese,” Lafayette says, and John takes note, especially when Jefferson hums appreciatively. Then he watches as Lafayette whispers something to his brother, and Jefferson mutters a thank you, before sliding down on the floor, laying his head on his twin’s lap. As soon as he’s settled, Lafayette starts to stroke his hair and looks up. 

 

“That was for the both of us,” he says, and Alexander grins, before motioning for John to follow. John nods, but before he goes, he looks at Lafayette. 

 

“What do you want to eat?” he says gently, and Lafayette blinks. “Um...I can have the same thing as Tommy,” he says, and John smiles. “Would you want to try other things too?” he adds, and Lafayette stares at him for a little bit, before nodding. John grins, and then he’s going to the door towards Alexander. 

 

“We’ll be back soon!”

 

\---

 

“You were amazing, by the way.”

 

Alexander blinks, looking up mid scoop, as he tries fill out the largest container possible with some self-serve macaroni in cheese. I looked good enough, so he hopes that Jefferson would like it. He blinks at John and tilts his head slightly. “Huh?” 

 

John snorts in return, closing the container that he just filled with some roast beef, and stacking it beside him, before opening another container. Good thing the self-serve counter was empty bar them, making it easier to do this. Everyone’s out and about and meeting people, and Alexander doesn’t really care much. 

 

It seems like he found his circle without even trying, and that’s fine with him. 

 

“The thing you did. With Lafayette. It was amazing,” John finally explains and Alexander’s confusion deepens. What was amazing about what he did? All he did was repeat what has been done with him so many times by the Washingtons.

 

Oh. John doesn’t know any of that. “Uh...it’s not really a big deal,” he says, finally going back to his task of scooping macaroni and cheese, licking his lips as he was really starting to get hungry. Soon, he’s done, and John’s done and they’re turning towards each other with their containers, and burst into simultaneous laughter. 

 

They each have at least four containers worth of food, and since they started on the opposite sides of the counter, there were no repeats. “Let’s hope the twins eat a lot,” John says, and he laughs again, and Alexander stares at him for a second, entranced, before blinking and nodding, trying to balance the containers with one hand as he fumbles for his card. 

 

“Alexander…” John says, and he can see that John looks nervous, and Alexander laughs. 

 

“OK, fine, see,” he says, putting the containers down, so that he can have two hands to look for his card. He can see John visibly relax at it, and he rolls his eyes. Soon, they’re making their way to cash, and checking out the tons of food that they bought. 

 

“We’ll get drinks from the vending machine,” he says to John, and nods softly, and he can see that John’s thinking of something. “Penny for your thoughts roomie?” he asks softly, and John turns to him, before shrugging. 

 

“I dunno. I don’t really agree with you when you said that it’s not a big deal. At one moment, I’m pretty sure Jefferson was going to kiss you, when you were getting Lafayette out of it,” John says, looking down slightly. “You helped them a lot…”

 

Alexander stares for a moment, and bites his lip, not really sure on how to explain what he means. “It’s...it doesn’t matter. That I did that,” he gets out, the words feeling so unsure in his mouth. Naturally, John gives him an incredulous look, but doesn’t say anything, so he pauses, and tries again. 

 

“Lafayette...that was a panic attack. And he listened to me...because I’m a stranger? Because I’m not Jefferson?” he says, trying to make sense of it for John without telling him too much of what’s happened in his own life. Because he doesn’t know John except for this beautiful creature who just happened to be his roommate. 

 

John nods his head slowly, trying to understand. “You being a stranger is the biggest part?” John asks softly, and Alexander shrugs, as they continue to walk. “I think…” he starts, biting his lip.”It was more to do with me not being Jefferson. I have a feeling...that this has been going on for a while, and Jefferson is the only one who ever tried to help him. And…” 

 

“And Lafayette probably feels that he’s just doing so because they’re twins,” John continues and Alexander nods in agreement. John nods his head in understanding this time. 

 

“Yeah...I get that,” he whispers, and Alexander wants to know how, but it won’t be fair at all. Instead, he opts to not say anything for a few good seconds. Then he continues, feeling the need to explain further. 

 

“And I said...I said it doesn’t matter because Lafayette…you saw him, he’s in too deep. He’ll just…” 

 

“Slide back like no one ever said anything to him. Until he truly believes that everything is alright,” John whispers, and Alexander gulps, hating it. Because that means John understands and that’s...that’s not a good feeling. He knows and understands what it’s like to have someone constantly tell you that it’s alright but the horrors in your head tell you otherwise. Alexander’s been blessed the past two years, but even he has panic attacks and medications, and coping mechanisms. He feels John looking at him and he looks down, not wanting to keep going, feeling overwhelmed and if he does, his hands might start shaking. Then he feels John pause and stop walking and Alexander stops as well, looking back at him.

 

“John?” he asks softly, choked and teary and he hates it. Alexander can see John’s eyes staring into his eyes, like he’s trying to get the words out but he can’t, and he wants to look away so John can’t see how much of a mess he is. He’s better yes, but he’s a mess. Such a mess. His hands shake slightly, but he keeps looking at John.

 

“Alexander…” he starts, before stepping forward and he’s balancing the containers in one hand and he’s putting the now free one against the crook of Alexander’s neck and collar, and Alexander doesn’t even flinch it was so gentle. “But remember what you said? He’ll be safe? That they’ll be safe? With the four us?” he says, and Alexander nods, gulping. John smiles and nods to him, stroking Alexander’s jaw with his thumb gently.

 

“You know that applies to you too, right?” And Alexander’s breath hitches, and tears are pooling in his eyes, and he doesn’t let them fall. Instead, he smiles, and John lets out a soft laugh, and presses a gentle kiss on his head, before he slides that hand to Alexander’s shoulder and leads him down the hall towards the twins. 

 

\---

 

When John and Alexander left to get food, Gilbert turns his focus on Tommy. He looks down at his twin, smiling softly when he sees him just sleeping. There’s a frown on his face as he does, and it’s...normal. For the both of them to do that, Tommy has told him. He strokes his twin’s forehead gently, and makes a small sound of happiness when the frown slowly dissipates and Tommy looks truly relaxed. 

 

Thomas had called him Gilbert. No, he called him Gibby, in public, and it...it hasn’t happened in such a long time. 

 

Gilbert hasn’t been Gilbert in front of anyone other than Tommy in a long time. He feels his heart clench, and pain courses through him at the thought, biting his lip hard. Then he shakes his head, willing himself to calm down. He’s broken, he understands this, but he has to try. He has to, for Tommy.

 

Gently, he moves his hands through Tommy’s hair, and Gilbert puts all his focus on recognizing the difference between his own hair and his twin’s. How Tommy leaves it out, and lush, just bouncing behind him, full of life. He used to leave his hair like that, until  _ he _ came along and the  _ grip _ and the  _ pain _ that came with him and it hurt so badly and he was so alone and scared. Gilbert’s eyes close…

 

_ “C’est vrai petit. C’est tout. Vous aimez la douleur, ne vous?” _ says  _ his _ voice close, so close to his ear, followed by a tug, a twist and  _ pain _ ...

 

Gilbert flinches hard, and his eyes open wide. He looks down at Tommy, heart beating wildly in his chest, and tears are streaming down his face, glad that Tommy didn’t wake up. He bites his lip, chewing hard, not wanting to make a sound. The pain grounds him, reminds him that he’s here, which makes him cry more. Of all the times he begged, and screamed that no, he doesn’t like the pain, was he lying? He wasn’t, right? He wasn’t...

 

Tommy was sleeping, for the first time in a long time, probably because he knows he keeps him up, makes him lose sleep, because he’s so horrible and it’s just…

 

Gilbert stops and takes a deep breath through his nose, and looks down at Tommy, before bending down and pressing a soft kiss on his forehead. 

 

“Je t’aime,” he whispers against his skin, and closes his for a moment, then moves, so that he’s pressing his forehead against Tommy’s, who sighs softly and shifts in his sleep, but he doesn’t wake. Gilbert waits for a couple of more moments and then he straightens, and takes one of Tommy’s hands gently. Immediately, like always, tears are streaming down his face. 

 

His fingers are still crooked, and winters are still the hardest and it’s painful, Gilbert knows exactly how much pain Tommy’s in and he hates it so much. It’s his fault. This whole thing is his fault. The surgery, the rehabilitation that followed, it’s all him. And after too, since he still reaches out for his brother, holds his hand, begging for comfort. He’s greedy and he  _ needs _ to hold Tommy’s hand, and he’s so horrible...

 

“Gibby?” 

 

Gilbert blinks, gasping softly, and then he looks down and finds Tommy looking at him, letting him hold onto his hand, and he doesn’t move for a moment, before he’s reaching with his free hand and wiping away his tears. “Why are you crying?” he asks softly. Gilbert shakes his head and kisses his twin’s knuckles, taking a deep breath. 

 

“Je t’aime, Tommy,” he whimpers instead, because he needs Tommy to know just how much he loves him. 

 

Tommy gives him a small smile, nodding his head. Then he’s sitting up, and Gilbert’s leaning back, and then leaning in to wrap his arms around his brother, holding him close and laying his head on his shoulder. He always feels safe when Tommy’s around. The four years where Tommy wasn’t there, as he lived the worst years of his life in the house he grew up, just because his father never thought to ask questions, or see him, or just talk to him…

 

“Je t’aime, Gibby,” Tommy whispers back and Gilbert smiles wetly, and feels a kiss on his forehead and he sighs. “I’m sorry I left you behind,” Tommy adds and Gilbert sighs. Tommy apologizes a lot about this, and he hates it. 

 

“I know, but it’s not your fault,” Gilbert whispers back, like he always does, and just like always, Tommy doesn’t say anything. Instead, he holds Gilbert tighter, rocking him slightly now. They sit in silence for a few minutes, before Tommy starts to pull away, but he puts his hand on his cheeks, and Gilbert looks at him, smiling tearily. 

 

“How do you feel?” Tommy whispers, and Gilbert shrugs. He’s not really sure. 

 

“I am…” he starts, before shrugging again. “I am not sure...you?” he asks, not really sure what to say beyond saying that he’s not sure. Tommy gives him a weak smile and nods, kissing his forehead, before pulling away. Then he leans against the wall beside Gilbert, and wraps an arm around his shoulders. Gilbert leans into it immediately. 

 

“I had a good sleep,” Tommy says, looking at the wall across from them, smiling, and Gilbert believes him, nodding softly, taking Tommy’s free hand and gently stroking the knuckles. The fingers on this hand were crooked too, and he hates it and just wants to fix it. 

 

“Hey Gibby...are you...uh…” Tommy whispers, and Gilbert looks up at him. His twin looks unsure, and he tilts his head curiously. “Tommy?” he asks softly, and his twin smiles shyly. 

 

“Thank you...for letting me call you Gilbert...Gibby again,” he replies, after a moment. Gilbert nods slowly, glad that his twin likes this new development, but he’s not sure, he’s not sure at all how long he’s going to be alright with it, and he doesn’t want him to be angry. He wouldn’t be able to take it if Tommy’s angry at him. Gilbert would rather die. 

 

“But...if it too much, I’ll only call you that if we’re alone...or if we’re in front of Alexander and John only…” his twin adds, and Gilbert blinks, before nodding slowly again. 

 

“That’s...yeah. Yeah...I like them,” Gilbert says, smiling slightly as he remembers their two newest friends. Is it too early to call them friends? “They...They are very nice,” he whispers, and Thomas blinks, before nodding himself as well. 

 

“Yeah...they are,” he hears Tommy whisper, before kissing Gilbert’s forehead with a sigh. And Gilbert just burrows closer to his twin, and continues to play with his hand, and tries to focus on the hear and the now. Because this is at least a start. 

 

Right? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> C’est vrai petit. C’est tout. Vous aimez la douleur, ne vous? = That's right, little one. That's it. You like the pain, don't you?


	6. let the good souls help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Food arrives, our boys bond and meet the rest of the gang, and Lafayette's reaction during roll-call hit a little too close to home for one of the Schyuler sisters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the patience. This chapter was interesting to write as it kept going to angst-city. I wrote four different scenarios that went the same direction, but I felt that it wasn't the right time for any of them. They will make an appearance later, though. For now, have the rest of the crew.

“Say what.”

 

Alexander looks up, or rather, down since Jefferson’s still on the floor with his twin. Jefferson’s staring at him with this blank look, like he couldn’t believe that he was there, laying out all the food that they got. “What?” he asks, genuinely confused and tilting his head. 

 

“Uh…” Jefferson gets out, before looking at Lafayette, who shrugs slightly. “He is confused,” Lafayette explains after a beat. “There is much food. There is only four of us, and you have eight packs,” he explains, jumping slightly when the door opens and closes. 

 

John’s standing at the door with drinks from the bending machine and there’s at least two for each person. “Er, sorry,” he says and Alexander knows he’s referring to the door and the drinks. They both turn to the twins and just find them staring. 

 

“We’ll eat it,” Alexander says, nodding his head and Jefferson squints at him, before standing up and extending his hand towards Lafayette, who stares at Jefferson’s hand for a moment and then grips his wrist gently to take the offer, standing up. 

 

Jefferson then walks them to the table and looks at the assortment of food, and Alexander grins when he sees the macaroni and cheese and immediately goes to it. There are already forks and four bowls stacked on one side for people to use, and Jefferson just grabs a fork and immediately dives into the macaroni and cheese, and Alexander kind of loves it. 

 

Instead of eating the portion on his fork however, Jefferson puts it in front of his face and scrutinizes it. He turns the fork from side to side and even sniffs it. Alexander glances at Lafayette and finds him shaking his head, all the while just looking at his twin, and John, sweet John, is looking at Jefferson like he’s insane. 

 

Then finally he puts it in his mouth and Alexander can clearly see that he’s savouring it, examining, the fork now dangling delicately from his fingers, pinky sticking out slightly. Then he closes his eyes and Alexander’s mouth drop slightly, staring at his face and he hears Lafayette laughs softly, just as Jefferson opens his eyes and stares at Alexander. 

 

“I’m not mad at it,” he declares and Alexander blinks. 

 

“What the hell--you’re not mad at it?” John asks, incredulously, and Thomas turns to John, nodding. 

 

“Uh-huh,” he lets out, before grabbing the whole container of macaroni and cheese and walking away with it towards his twin, already eating another bite. Lafayette rolls his eyes and grabs the container as his twin passes by and leaves Jefferson with a fork sticking out of his mouth. 

 

“Gibby, no! My side!” Jefferson exclaims, making Alexander snort, John giggling as he starts to make a plate for himself, obviously hungry. Lafayette looks at his twin and shakes his head. 

 

“Non, we are sharing this with everyone. There is plenty. You will get sick,” he says, and Alexander’s pretty sure there’s a role reversal. Or maybe this is how it was meant to be, before the pain happened?

 

Jefferson makes a sound, but then he’s conceding, walking back to the table. “Mkay, but I get lots.”

 

Alexander grins and nods, walking over to give him a plate. “Have as much as you like, I don’t really like macaroni and cheese,” he says with a shrug. Jefferson stares at him in a horror, and genuine gasp escaping his lips.

 

“I don’t know if I love you or hate you, Alexander,” he says, sounding so betrayed and Alexander snorts. 

 

“You get to have more since I don’t like it, so love?” he asks, and Jefferson shakes his head. 

 

“I still don’t know…”

 

Alexander rolls his eyes and gives Lafayette his own bowl, the other twin smiling softly at him, before turning to Jefferson and kissing his temple. “Be good, Tommy.”

 

“I am good. I am an angel sent from above,” Jefferson mutters, almost automatically, and Alexander feels like he’s listening to a whole different person. It was refreshing, and terrifying at the same time. He decides not to think too much of it, just going to fill his own bowl with food. John’s already sitting on the floor, chowing down and Alexander grins down at him.

 

“Good?” he asks, and John nods, smiling. 

 

“Yeah, pretty good. I was starving,” he says, sheepishly, and Alexander shakes his head. He doesn’t really care that John started before anyone, especially since Jefferson was eating straight from the container. He turns back to the food and sees Lafayette scooping Jefferson’s favourite into the bowl, shaking his head when his twin whines for more. 

 

“Try the other things. I had promised John that I will try the other things,” Lafayette says and John blinks, looking towards Lafayette, even though his view is blocked by the table. 

 

“You don’t have to, but they’re all really good, so you may love it,” he says, and Alexander sees Lafayette nod, before filling his own bowl with a small portion of each thing. Other than macaroni and cheese, they got a vegetable medley that had a little kick to it, some beef and mushroom saute, roast beef, potato wedges, fries because why not double potato, some lasagna because more pasta, a little bit of fried fish because Alexander just loves it, and shrimp, because well, shrimp. 

 

“These all look very good. I will try some of everything,” Lafayette says to John, and sure enough, he does have some of each in his bowl, while Jefferson’s macaroni and cheese portion only had room for some roast beef and vegetable medley. As soon as Lafayette’s done, he goes over to the wall and sits beside John. Not immediately beside him, careful not to touch, and smiles at him.

 

“Thank you for getting the food,” Lafayette says, looking at John and then at Alexander, who shrugs, piling his food up and sitting on John’s other side. 

 

“No big deal! I’m glad you guys like it,” he says, watching as Jefferson sits down beside his twin, pressing close, and crossing a leg over Lafayette’s, who looks at his twin with a fond smile. Alexander swears it can’t be comfortable, but apparently, they needed the contact. 

 

“Mmm definitely,” John says, eating some of the shrimp now, looking so happy and content. Thomas doesn’t say a word, just inhaling the macaroni and cheese like he was going to run out if he doesn’t. With a shrug, Alexander digs into his own food, and they’re all just silent for the next few moments, just savouring it. John’s already done his, and goes to stand up to get more food. 

 

Alexander barely notices him, just focused on his own, only realizing when he comes back that he walks over to Jefferson first. 

 

“Here,” he says, making Alexander lookup. John’s extending the container of macaroni and cheese to Jefferson. “It’s the only bit left, you can have it.”

 

Jefferson looks at the container, and then at John’s bowl for a moment, and Alexander knows that he’s thinking something beyond than just a guy trying to be nice. What’s the catch? What does he have to do? Does he owe John something now? Or maybe not. Maybe he’s just indecisive. 

 

“Are you sure?” Jefferson asks, voice careful, Lafayette pausing from eating as well. John gives them both a smile and nods. 

 

“Yeah, I’m good, and Alexander doesn’t really like it, and you obviously love it,” he says, voice warm and gentle, and Alexander feels convinced already. He watches as Jefferson nods slowly, and takes the container, whispering a soft thanks. John grins, nodding. 

 

“You’re welcome!” he exclaims, walking back to his spot. Alexander grins at him, and turns back to his food, vaguely hearing Jefferson forcing half of his newly gotten price on his twin. 

 

\---

 

By the time they’ve had their fill, it was close to 6PM. And Thomas just wanted to go to bed. They’re making their way back to their building, bracing himself in case they see anyone that saw them this afternoon. They didn’t take the path, opting to walk through the grass for some reason or another, when he remembers. 

 

“Merde…” And there’s a squeeze on his wrist. 

 

And apparently, Gilbert does too. Alexander and John turn to the both of them, confused. They’re flanking them, Alexander on Lafayette’s side, and John on Thomas’. It’s pretty ridiculous how grateful he still feels about it. 

 

Thomas sighs and rubs his face. “There’s a building event…” he starts, and Alexander groans, throwing his head back. Yep, definitely the reaction Thomas is expecting. John’s the only one not freaking out. 

 

“Do we have to go? You don’t have to go if you don’t want, right?” he says, tilting his head slightly, and Thomas bites his lip. That’s definitely true, but there’s only one catch. 

 

“It’s in front of the building, and it’s already started. So we can't really escape it,” Alexander groans out, running his fingers through his hair before pulling it into a loose ponytail. Thomas’ hands itch to fix it. 

 

“Alexander, your hair,” Gilbert says, stopping, which naturally, stops all of them. Alexander looks confused, and then looks up at his own forehead, watching as the strands are already falling out of the poorly done ponytail. “Tommy,” Gilbert starts, and Thomas sighs, nodding. 

 

“Alright, get over here tiny person,” he says, motioning for Alexander to come to him, John laughing loudly behind him. Alexander glares, but complies, turning to face Gilbert, who gives both of them a smile. Then his twin reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hair tie, which was definitely sturdier, especially when he sees what Alexander was using.

 

“Did you seriously just use a rubber-band to tie your hair back?!” 

 

Again, John’s laughing and Alexander’s trying to turn around to retort, but Thomas shakes his head. “Whatever, you are going to get proper ties for your hair if you’re gonna insist keeping your hair long. Don’t ruin your hair!” Thomas says, voice lecturing as he motions for Alexander to turn towards his twin completely.

 

“I’m going to take out the band, and put my hand through your hair now, OK?” he says, voice softer this time, and Alexander nods softly. He’s not an idiot. Someone that good with dealing with panic attacks either knows someone who’s going through it, or is someone going through it himself. He’s not going to ask, but he’s also not going to chance it. When Thomas puts his hand on his hair and gently lifts the ponytail, he feels him jump even the slightest, and he gets his answer. And man, doesn’t that just suck?

 

“Oh man, alright. This is gonna hurt,” Thomas warns, and he’s getting the hair out from the twist that was the band, and Alexander lets out a sharp, “Ow!” at the first tug, and then nothing else after the second or third one. Once it’s out, Thomas carelessly drops the rubber band on the grass, and runs his fingers through Alexander’s hair, smoothing out the locks. 

 

His hair is soft, very soft. Very much like Gilbert’s, but instead of tight curls, it’s straight locks. He gently pulls it into a ponytail, smoothing it all out, and then gently secures it with the band that Gilbert gave him. “There? Is it too tight?” 

 

“No, it feels good,” Alexander says, before he’s turning around smiling at Thomas so brightly, that he finds himself smiling back. “Thank you!” he adds, and Thomas nods. He looks up and finds Gilbert smiling at him, motioning for him. Thomas walks over, and smiles when Gilbert holds onto his wrist. 

 

Then they’re walking again, same formation, nearing their dorm. 

 

“Two things,” Gilbert says, as they walk, not pausing this time, so they keep going, all of them looking at him. “Are we going to the event? Also…” he starts, before turning to John, and then to Alexander. “John is just as tiny as Alexander,” he says, nonchalantly. 

 

“Hey!” John exclaims, but his eyes are happy, and Alexander is laughing, jumping and squealing “Yasss, Lafayette, yasss!” before going for a high-five that Gilbert returns graciously, making Thomas laugh softly. 

 

When they turn the closest corner to their dorm, they start to hear the music. Obviously, there isn’t going to be any alcohol since they are on campus, but that doesn’t mean people aren’t intoxicated. Gilbert holds onto his wrist tighter, and Thomas nods. “Stick with me. You too, tiny ones,” he says, almost an afterthought, and the fact that John and Alexander don’t protest tells him he said the right thing. 

 

They don’t get far because suddenly, Angelica Schuyler is standing there, hand on her hips. 

 

She looks up at Thomas, but only by a little because she’s wearing heeled boots, hip cocked on one side. Then she looks at Alexander, Gilbert, and finally, John. She glares at John for a moment, before turning back at Thomas, and he braces himself. 

 

Then she sticks out her hand. “Angelica Schyuler. It’s a pleasure to meet you,” she says, voice soft, and firm and then she’s smiling. And wow, she’s beautiful. 

 

Thomas blinks, and then puts his hand up, shaking her hand. “Thomas Jefferson,” he replies, bowing slightly. Then he motions to his twin, and then pauses, his breath hitching when he realized that he needed to introduce his twin as Lafayette. However, he’s saved when Gilbert steps forward, nodding to her, as she drops Thomas’ hand. 

 

“I’m Gilbert Lafayette, Thomas’ twin,” Gilbert says softly, but he keeps at Thomas' side, and doesn't move. Angelica nods her head, takes cue and doesn’t reach for a handshake. Her eyebrow raises, but she doesn’t say a word, giving Gilbert a small smile. 

 

“Nice to meet you,” she says gracefully, and then turns to Alexander, who waves, all smiles, and is that a blush on his cheeks?

 

“Alexander Hamilton Washington! You’re really pretty!” he says, grinning and yep, definitely a blush on his cheeks. Angelica laughs softly, smiling at him, reaching and taking Alexander’s hand, shaking it. 

 

“Oh you’re sweet,” Angelica says, winking at Alexander, who giggles even more. Then she finally gets to John. “And you’re the short stuff John Laurens that glared at my little sister,” she says, eyes squinting at John, who looks sheepish. 

 

“To be fair, I was angry at everyone else. Not her,” John replies, taking a step back, and Thomas puts a hand on the small of his back to stop him from going further, looking at Angelica. John leans into his touch, and Thomas goes to say something, because he knows that John acted like that because of what happened with him and Gilbert. 

 

There’s a hand in front of his face before he can even start and he blinks, John looking confused as well. 

 

“Don’t,” Angelica starts softly, pulling her hand back. “Trust me, I get it. Alright?” she says, looking at Thomas and nodding softly, her eyes bearing into his, and he just knows that she does get it. She understands. That sucks. Then she turns to John again. “Just don’t be like that to my Eliza anymore, OK? She’s really sweet, and I love her more than anything in my life,” she says, and John’s nodding earnestly. 

 

“Yes m’am,” John says, nodding his head, and Thomas rubs the small of his back in comfort, keeping it there. Angelica smiles and then takes a step back, looking at all four of them now. “Did you all know each other before you got here?” she asks, and her posture relaxes, and he feels Gilbert deflate at his side, and he totally gets it. 

 

“No, we all just met...” Alexander says, trailing off, but Angelica nods before it becomes awkward. 

 

“You wouldn’t think it,” she says, smiling at them again, and Thomas feels a little warm. They’ve truly created something with Alexander and John, and he’s really glad. At least, if he’s not there, maybe, maybe Gilbert would still be alright. “But as I said, I totally get it,” she continues, before turning around and motioning them to follow, her eyes sparkling as she looks back at all of them. 

 

“Let’s get you introduced, yeah?” 

 

Thomas blinks and then looks back at Gilbert who stares at him for a moment, before nodding, pressing close.

 

\---

 

“Oh man,” Alexander whispers, as he sits on the grass beside John, leaning against him. John blinks and looks down at his friend, frowning. They’re sitting under a large tree, a blanket beneath them, surrounded by Angelica’s friends.

 

“Are you alright?” he asks softly, and Alexander blinks, before nodding and looking around. They had just finished meeting the rest of Angelica’s friends and everyone is just so goddamn attractive. Like, how is this even fair? First there was John, who Alexander remains, is one of the most beautiful people he’s ever seen in his life. With his eyes, and his smiles and the stars and constellation of freckles on his face that are just so endearing and adorable, Alexander is sure he’s in love. Already. Damn it.

 

He’s usually pretty sketched out of people he’s unfamiliar with, but with John, it’s different. Ever since meeting him that morning, and how caring he is. About him and about the twins, it just made Alexander’s heart soar. And the fact that John’s currently holding his hand and Alexander doesn’t want to let go just deepens his belief that he is thoroughly screwed and had fallen in love because he likes his touches. Doesn’t make him flinch, or jump, or cry.

 

Speaking of the twins, that’s another thing. They were damn attractive too. Alexander’s not that attracted to them, but you’d have to be completely unaware to think that these two are not attractive. Even when Jefferson looked like he wanted to kill him at the elevator, there was that fire that he saw that made him think that Thomas looked great that way. Not the anger, not the pain, but the fire. Isn’t that odd? Probably. And Lafayette with his rare smiles. It’s nuts. He glances towards the twins, who were just in front of them, Jefferson’s head laying on John’s legs, and curled in and holding Lafayette, as he lay between John and his twin, their eyes closed. Jefferson has an arm over his twin’s waist, effectively spooning him. They were really exhausted, and as soon as pleasantries were done, they took Angelica’s offer of laying on the blanket to nap. 

 

Now there’s Angelica, who’s just a goddess walking amongst mortals, he believes. She was so beautiful, and he had this odd thought upon seeing Jefferson and her talking that they would produce beautiful babies together if they ever procreated. God, his brain was so weird sometimes. Thank god she’s currently making her rounds, because if she saw his face, Alexander’s sure that she’d know exactly what he’s thinking.

 

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” Alexander hears, and he blinks and finds John staring at him curiously, his fingers gently carding through his hair now, careful not to undo the ponytail that Jefferson did. Alexander shrugs, and looks around, finds Eliza Schuyler playing some sort of clapping game with Hercules Mulligan and laughing softly at something he said. 

 

God, she was so cute. And that laugh? Geez. She also has these eyes, that Alexander knows is as deep as her soul. One look and Alexander felt at peace, and he doesn't really know what to do with that feeling. And Hercules too. He’d climb him, yep. He doesn’t really know how yet, but he will learn.

 

He looks away from them and turns back to John who’s still waiting for an answer. “Just...everyone’s like...very attractive?” he says, and then looks down, the remaining ‘and there’s me’ left unsaid, but it’s true. John just stares at him, and then shakes his head, before grabbing Alexander’s face, and pressing a soft kiss on his forehead, as he blinks. 

 

Then when John pulls back, he’s smiling at him. 

 

“Yeah, that’s true,” he says, and he’s staring into Alexander’s eyes as he says it, and suddenly it’s so hot and he’s sure he’s so red.

 

“Alexander? You alright? Do you need some water to cool down?” 

 

Both Alexander and John look up to find James Madison, crouching beside the two of them, holding two water bottles. He’s attractive too, all bulk and deep voice. Apparently, he’s cousins with Hercules, and they’ve been childhood friends with the Schuyler sisters. It’s a pretty warm night, and Angelica had sent James to fetch the cooler inside to get some drinks. “You’re all red,” James points out, and Alexander lets out a soft squeak.

 

“Water would be nice,” he say hurriedly, and James gives him a look, before shaking his head with a smile, giving him one, and waving the other to John. 

 

“Want it?” he asks, and John shakes his head. “But I can keep it for the twins?” he replies, and James smiles softly, almost knowingly, glancing at the twins. 

 

“I’ll put it in the cooler for them,” James says, before standing back up, and walking over to said cooler. Alexander fiddles with his water bottle, watching him go, and John reaches over to grab it, opening it for him. 

 

“I got you, Alexander,” John whispers, and Alexander nods softly, and he just knows that it’s not just about the water bottle, but about everything that’s happened to them since he’s stepped on this campus. 

 

God, what a day.

 

\---

 

It takes a couple more hours, and it’s around 10pm when things starts to wind down and the twins are still asleep. And by that point, John is asleep too on his stomach, Alexander falling in and out of sleep as well, laying his head on John’s back, conversing with James about the news. Jefferson wasn’t happy about being woken up when his pillow that was John’s legs was removed, but when James gave him a rolled up sweater to put his head on, he quieted down and fell asleep again, face in his twin’s hair. 

 

Since then, James moved so that he’s sitting beside Alexander, back to back with Hercules, and Eliza across from him, so that she’s the closest to twins. Basically, they’ve created a nest, shielding their new found first years. 

 

And that’s how Angelica found them. She comes back all serious, face all business, and Eliza knows she’s probably just dealt with a stupid annoying situation. However, her face melts the moment she comes back on the blanket, smiling softly. 

 

“The twins haven’t moved, huh,” she says, and Eliza looks down at Jefferson and Lafayette, and how they’re spooning one another, fast asleep. 

 

“Jefferson once, Lafayette hasn’t,” James whispers, making sure to keep his voice down, not wanting to wake them up, sharing a look with Eliza, and then with Hercules. 

 

“John fell asleep about an hour ago, and Alexander about half an hour,” Hercules starts, and then there’s a grumble. 

 

“M’wake!” mumbled Alexander, sitting up slightly, only to come back down and turn on his side, cheek pressed against the small of John’s back. Eliza bites down a giggle, and Angelica rolls his eyes, giving Eliza a nod. Yep, Alexander’s definitely going to be on her list to keep an eye on. Actually, all four of them are going to be on her list, especially after that morning. 

 

After roll-call all she wanted was to find them and Angelica reminded her that she was in-charge of a whole floor, not just four people. She must have looked panic the moment they left the room, because James just nodded to her, and waited as his name was said before leaving. Hercules did the same, but not before bowing flourishly to everyone in the room after everyone laughed at his name. Afterwards, Eliza glanced at her sister, and when she smiled and squeezed her shoulder, she knew that it would be fine. 

 

As soon as she finished and gave the schedule for the day, as well as the reminder for the building event, she left the room with Angelica and called Hercules, who summoned them in their dorm room. When they found out that Eliza was going to be the RA for the floor, they graciously offered their help, and she knows that either one of them would take over for her, the moment she needed it. And she will need it. Angelica will need it. If Peggy were to say so, she will drop everything and anything that she’s doing to make sure that she’s there. 

 

“They’re in the study room at the student centre. The one closest to the hall we were just in,” Hercules explained that afternoon, his grey beanie in his hand, playing with it. “Hamilton and Laurens they left, but then came back with tons of food. They didn’t even notice us,” he continues, James chuckling slightly.

 

“We camped on the couch just adjacent to the room, and not once they looked around. Like men on a mission, it was just Hamilton and Laurens against the world. To get food, apparently. They came back with a lot,” James recounted, Angelica nodding, arms crossed as she sits beside Eliza, frowning.

 

“The twins?” she asked, and both the guys shake their head. “Didn’t see them,” Hercules whispered, and Eliza gulped upon hearing it, guilt curling up in her chest.

 

“It’s my fault,” she had whispered, and immediately, Angelica’s there, arms around her. Surrounding her. Reminding her of the love that’s always oozing out of her being. Angelica was amazing. She’d be so lost without her. “I couldn’t keep my confusion from my face, and he saw that…” Oh god, Lafayette’s face. The fear, how scared he looked. How broken Jefferson looked. How confused Hamilton was, and how angry Laurens was. All because she had paused and looked confused while reading a name out loud. At that moment, looking at Lafayette and how he crumpled and just broke down, all Eliza wanted was to hold Peggy.

 

“Everyone was confused. Hell, I’m still confused,” James said, shaking his head. “You know this is not your fault.”

 

“Regardless of what that pipsqueak Laurens said, alright?” Hercules added, and Eliza laughed involuntarily. 

 

“It’s not his fault either,” she said, shrugging. “I mean, I get it. You know I get it,” she said, leaning into Angelica now, feeling her kiss her temple.

 

“We know baby girl,” Angelica whispered, sighing, and Eliza sighed as well, wishing that Peggy was right there beside her. 

 

“Eliza?” 

 

Eliza looks up, and blinks, finds her sister, Hercules and James looking at her. She gives them a small smile and looks down the first years again, nodding to herself. They need help. Not just the twins, but John Laurens and Alexander Hamilton as well. When she looks up again, they’re all looking at her with understanding in their eyes, if not a little exasperation. They knew she wasn’t letting this go. 

 

“You’re too good of a soul, Eliza,” James says, and Eliza smiles, and Hercules lets out a soft chuckle, nodding, Angelica shaking her head, before smirking, waving her hand slightly.

 

“Alright then. I guess we’re doing this.”

 

And Eliza hopes and prays that they'll let them. 


	7. what's in a name?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something happens and it worries Alexander and John. Names are declared and names are made, helping the twins grasp some of their stolen identity back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can anyone help me with French translations? Please let me know, thank you!

“Hamilton first, then Laurens, then the twins.”

 

Angelica and Eliza both had to leave to make sure everyone cleared out from in front of the building. Which means that they left Hercules and James to deal with a blanket full of sleeping first years. At the moment, Hercules was readying himself to wake up Hamilton. There were people walking pass them, starting to look as since they’re the only blanket left on the side of the building. 

 

“Should I shake him?” Hercules starts, laying a hand on Hamilton’s shoulder. James shrugs, not really knowing what to do. The moment he does, Hamilton’s eyes fly open and he flinches so hard he falls off Laurens’ back and onto the blanket. The movement then startles the sleep out of Laurens. 

 

Immediately, Hercules backs away, hands up as Hamilton looks ready to hyperventilate, eyes still wide, unseeing from sleep. Laurens’ is quicker, completely aware, and then he’s framing Hamilton’s face with both hands. 

 

“Hey, you’re OK. You’re OK,” Laurens whispers, and James sees that he’s rubbing small circles on the apples of Hamilton’s cheeks with his thumbs. “You’re good, OK?” 

 

“I am. I am, sorry,” Hamilton says shakily, nodding, and he leans his forehead against Laurens’ briefly, before turning to Hercules, who still has his hands up. “I’m OK. Just...yeah,” he says to Hercules sheepishly, and James smiles at the sight of his cousin taking it with a stride. 

 

“You’re cool, it’s alright,” Hercules says, and Hamilton smiles at him again, before looking down at the twins. They were still curled up together on the blanket.

 

“Oh,” Laurens’ murmurs, before he’s biting his lip, and then lets go of Hamilton, going closer to the twins, on his knees. He leans forward, and puts a soft hand on Jefferson’s shoulder. He doesn’t say a word and Jefferson just leans even closer to his twin, pulling Lafayette closer by the waist and burying his face in his hair. James smiles softly at the sight, finding the whole thing quite endearing. It was clear for Jefferson’s actions that he was very protective of his brother. The way he holds him, interacts with him in the small amount of time that James has seen them, he can tell that Jefferson will do anything for Lafayette. And probably has. 

 

“Ew, it’s the twincest freaks.”

 

James closes his eyes the moment he hears the words coming from behind him, his blood boiling inside of him when he recognizes the voice. When he opens his eyes, he sees Hercules glaring over James’ head, and both Laurens’ and Hamilton are gaping, before they look angry as well.

 

With a soft growl, James stands up and turns, facing the perpetrator. 

 

“Fuck off, Lee,” he says, voice down to a hiss. “Walk away while you still can,” he continues. Charles Lee was still looking at the twins with a disgusted look on his face, before he turns to James, looking up with a smirk, and James just knows that he can take him down. Beat him right there senseless, and it’ll be oh so satisfying. 

 

Lee must’ve seen something shift in his eyes because the smirk falters a little, and he steps back. Then James sees him look back at the twins, and Lee’s eyes linger, and he doesn’t look disgusted like he sounds. If anything, he looks interested. Too interested. James feels sick and wants to punch him. He hears Hamilton growl behind him, and it makes him take a step forward. Lee jumps, and takes another step back to get away, glaring somewhere behind James, and he knows he’s either doing it to Hercules, Laurens or Hamilton. Or all of them. Then he spits on the ground, barely missing the blanket and James, and glares at the sleeping twins one more time with a look that is more like disgust than interest this time, before he walks away. 

 

James watches until he completely disappears, before turning around. Laurens and Hamilton are still glaring at the direction Lee disappeared too, before Hamilton looks up, an incredulous look on his face.

 

“Who was that?!” he hisses, standing up and walking away from the blanket, and they all follow him, not wanting to disturb the twins. 

 

“Charles Lee,” Hercules whispers, arms crossed, back straight and eyes angry. “He’s in the same year as Angelica. He’s awful, and I hate him.”

 

“Why the fuck would he say something like that?!” Laurens says, voice a low growl, and James shakes his head. “And what the fuck was that look?!”

 

“Lee gets off on pissing people off. And hurting them. You have to be careful with him,” James says, making sure to look at both Hamilton and Laurens, whose eyes widen. 

 

“What, has he hurt people before?” Laurens whispers, and he’s looking at Alexander, and then back at the twins, and James can see that he’s going on overdrive. James glances at Hercules, who nods minutely, before James nods to Laurens.

 

“He’s not part of any fraternity, but ever since his second year, he’s been picking on first years and hazing them. Got goons to help him out. He humiliates them to the point that they drop out before anyone even notices. Last year…” James trails off, shaking his head. 

 

“What is it?” Hamilton whispers, and Hercules sighs. 

 

“Rumour has it, he got his goons to...abuse a first year who declined his advances,” Hercules mutters, trying to be careful with his words, but spitting them out, and Hamilton pales, and he looks like he might tilt over so James puts a hand on his shoulder. 

 

“What happened to the kid?” Laurens asks, and James bites his lip, just shaking his head. He can’t say it outloud, and Hercules shaking his head as well. Laurens stares for a moment before he blinks, then nods, in understanding. Then he takes a deep breath, and looks back at the twins again, nodding his head, and he looked so much like how Eliza was when she decided she was going to help these guys. 

 

“We got them, right?” 

 

James turns and sees Hamilton looking at the twins’ as well, but he knows that the kid is addressing them. “They’ll be fine because we got them,” Hamilton says, and Hercules smiles, nodding. Laurens just leans in and presses a kiss on Hamilton’s temple. 

 

“Don’t worry kid. We do,” Hercules mutters, and James nods, watching as Jefferson snuffles in his sleep, pulling Lafayette closer, his cheek pressed against the pillow that was James’ sweater. 

 

He’s definitely got them.

 

\---

 

Thomas wakes up to the sound of John whispering his name softly, and if that wasn’t a great way to wake up he doesn’t know what is. He sits up to find both him and Alexander smiling down at him, Hercules and James standing back, James giving a small wave. Someone that large shouldn’t look cute, but it was adorable. He must be clogged with sleep. Then he blinks, before looking around when he doesn’t see Gilbert immediately. 

 

Then he looks down and finds Gilbert curled up beside him, looking so at peace, his face smooth from any lines of distress. He looks up and finds Alexander smiling at him. “Did you have a good nap?” he asks softly, and Thomas nods, rubbing his eye, and then looking at his twin as he sits up. 

 

“Yeah...much needed,” he admits, before sighing. “I’m going to carry him inside,” he mutters and Alexander frowns. 

 

“Why not just wake him up?” he asks curiously, and John tilts his head in question as well. Thomas gives them both a small smile, and shrugs. 

 

“I just…” he starts, biting his lip. “He hasn’t slept like this in a while,” Thomas whispers, stroking Gilbert’s hair now, smiling when he leans against his touch. “It’s rare…” he whispers, before nodding. Then he looks back at Alexander and John. “Do you mind helping me?” he asks, hesitantly. What if they didn’t want to help? What if they already considered them a burden?

 

Oh no, wait. Alexander’s already nodding wildly, and John is already standing. Then Thomas watches as he walks over to Hercules and James, and whispers to them. Thomas sees the two guys nod, and Hercules pats John on the back, before they give one last wave, and walk away. John’s back on the blanket as soon as they’re gone. 

 

“I just told them we got it, and I’ll give the blanket back to Eliza once we’re done,” he says, and Thomas nods softly. Speaking of blanket, he looks to find the balled up sweater he’s used for a pillow for the last couple of hours, and unravels it, before slipping it on. It was nice and warm, and he is drowning in it. Then he takes his key out of his pocket and gives it to Alexander, who nods, standing up and ready. 

 

With a deep breath, Thomas then gets on his knees, and gently slips his arms under his twin, one under his back, the other under his legs and lifts him. He hates how he’s so used to it, how little effort it takes. Gilbert is too light, too small and he hates it. He’s way too light. He souldn’t be. He’s the same height as him, and their frame is very similar, but Gilbert is a feather compared to Thomas and he hates it.

 

Gilbert shifts in his sleep, but he doesn’t wake, not even when Thomas starts walking, Alexander ahead of him, and John behind him. 

 

“You’re a tank, Jefferson,” John whispers, sounding in awe that he can carry his twin. Thomas snorts, shrugging slightly as they get inside the building, and now walking down the hall. 

 

“Practice,” he mutters, immediately regretting it, even though it’s true. Thankfully, they don’t say a word, and just helps them. Leading them to the elevator, John hovering to make sure that he's there to catch if Thomas ever falters. But he won't. He never will. Not when it comes to Gibby. 

 

“We’re the last room on the right,” he whispers, after directing Alexander on which way to turn. 

 

“Noted!” Alexander says, looking back with a smile, his hair still in the ponytail that Thomas put it in. Then he’s turning and stopping in front of their room, and looking up at the number, and Thomas knows that he’s keeping it in his memory, before he unlocks the door. 

 

It’s as they left it this morning, Thomas’ bed in complete disarray while Gilbert’s was completely untouched. He walks over to his bed and gently lays Gilbert on it, vaguely hearing John closing the door behind him. As soon as his twin’s back hits the mattress, Gilbert whimpers and lets out a soft sob. 

 

“Non...please…” he’s gasping and Thomas gulps, leaning close. 

 

“It’s alright Gibby. You’re alright. We’re in the dorm and you’re on my bed, OK? You’re alright,” he whispers, eyes closing, as he repeats the words over and over until Gilbert calms down. Thomas opens his eyes and smiles sadly at Gilbert who remains asleep, but now his eyebrows are furrowed in distress as he does. He sighs, and just sits there for a moment, wiping away Gilbert's tears, smoothing out his hair. He gently reaches over and takes out his hair tie slowly, glad that he doesn't wake. Then again, he's had so much practice, that he can do it without ever disturbing Gilbert. Finally, he turns towards John and Alexander, who are watching them silently.

 

“Thank you,” he chokes out, rubbing his face, and John nods softly, walking over. 

 

“Don’t mention it,” John replies, putting a hand on his shoulder, gently. Thomas doesn’t even flinch, just leans towards it. “You alright?” 

 

Thomas nods minutely, hand vaguely waving by his face, because he feels overwhelmed and he knows it’s the start of the year, but does this mean he’s doing this all alone again? The hand on his shoulder says otherwise, and then Alexander’s there, his phone in hand. 

 

“Number exchange?” he asks, and Thomas smiles a little, nodding. He must be so tired since he's been smiling as a response to these two guys since he woke up. “I’ll ask Gilbert if he’d like to give his number to you guys when he wakes up,” he says, wanting to give his brother as much control as possible. 

 

“I understand,” John says, and Alexander’s nodding. Then, Alexander’s in Thomas’ space and smiling up at him. “Have a good night Jeff--” he starts, but Thomas shakes his head.

 

“Thomas...please,” he whispers, because he’s Jefferson when he’s guarded and scared and angry at the world. It’s the name his mother forced him to keep, and made him different from Gilbert. He’s Thomas when it comes to Gilbert, and to the few that care. And before, that meant no one else. Just Gilbert. He had just met Alexander and John, and it might be foolish, but he trusts them. God knows why, but he does. Maybe he’s desperate for help, and this is his cry, clawing at what’s left of his identity. “Call me Thomas,” he finishes, biting his lip.

 

Alexander grins, and nods, smiling up at him. “Good night, Thomas,” he says, voice small but happy. John nods, eyes bright. 

 

“Good night, Thomas,” John says, and Thomas smiles a little wider, no matter how tired he is, and he doesn't even question it this time.

 

“Good night, Alexander. Good night, John,” he says, and soon they’re exiting the room and they’re gone, leaving Thomas alone with his twin since that morning.

 

A few seconds later, he hears his phone beep in his hand and he frowns, looking down. 

 

_ Alexander Hamilton invited you to a chat group: The Four of Us _

 

Thomas snorts, opening it, and finds his name, as well as Alexander’s and John listed on the top. And two messages. 

 

_ Alexander: We got your back, fam. _

 

_ John: And for now, that’ll be enough. :) _

 

Those words again, and Thomas feels choked, laughing tearily as he stares at it. First Alexander, and now John, and he looks back at his twin, and nods, gulping. Then he starts to type, a smile gracing his face, as he gets into the bed beside his twin, ready to drop and sleep any time soon. 

 

_ Thomas: It is. Thank you.  _

 

\---

 

Something wasn’t right. 

 

Gilbert bites his lip, looking at his schedule again on his tablet, and then Tommy’s. Yeah, not everything is lining up. His schedule doesn’t look like the one Tommy and himself meticulously organized before they got here. 

 

“Gibby? What’s the matter?” he hears Tommy asks, and Gilbert looks up. His twin is beside him, reading one of his textbooks, looking at him over his glasses. Having napped with his contacts on yesterday had dried Tommy’s eyes out so much that he’s taking a break from them. 

 

“My schedule’s not the same as yours,” he whispers, biting his lip. “We only have two classes together,” he mutters. They had planned for all their classes to be together, especially since first semester was all the core courses. Tommy frowns and motions for him to pass the tablet, eyes widening slightly.

 

“Shit.”

 

Gilbert groans, hating it. He should’ve gotten coffee first, then breakfast, then checked his schedule. He feels sick. Then he hears Tommy’s phone beeps and he frowns, heart thumping in his chest.

 

“Is it Mama?” he whispers, because she’s the only one who contacts Thomas. He ignores her, all the time, just like Gilbert ignores their Papa when he calls. He watches as his twin frowns, grabbing his phone, still looking at the tablet. Then he shakes his head, checking the message, and he's  smiling. Smiling? Then it's definitely not their parents. 

 

“No, it’s Alexander and John,” he says, before showing him his phone.

 

_ Alexander: Good morning twinsies! _

 

_ John: Alexander is way too lively before coffee. Breakfast? (Please.) _

 

_ Alexander: He loves me. _

 

_ John: I do. _

 

“I gave them my number last night,” Tommy says, smiling at his phone. “I told them I’ll ask you if you’d like to give them yours,” he adds, and Gilbert smiles, staring at his brother. 

 

“Tommy made friends,” he whispers, and Tommy laughs, leaning towards him and kissing his forehead.

 

“I guess I did, you did too,” he says, and Gilbert smiles, shrugging. “Yeah...you can give them my number,” he replies, passing the phone back to Tommy.

 

With a soft grin, he starts to type on his phone, Gilbert laying his head on Thomas’ shoulder, taking the tablet again and sighing. Then he feels his phone vibrate against his thigh and grabs it.

 

_ Alexander Hamilton invited you to a chat group: The Four of Us _

 

_ Alexander: Yey Thomas! Hi Lafayette! _

 

_ John: Hi Lafayette. Good morning. Breakfast? _

 

Gilbert blinks, looking up at his twin. “Thomas?” he asks, and Tommy shrugs slightly. 

 

“Yeah, I...I asked them to call me that,” he whispers, almost nervously, but Gilbert just feels so grateful to John and Alexander. This means that his twin is comfortable, and that is enough. One day, he will get there. He’ll get his name back, and it won’t hurt. Or there will be something for him, solely his to the point that it will bring nothing but great things when he hears it. Instead of pain, and anger and loneliness. 

 

_ Gilbert: Good morning. Breakfast. Yes.  _

 

_ John: You are kin. See you at the elevators? _

 

_ Gilbert: Yes. Five minutes.  _

 

After, he puts down his phone, and feels Tommy kneel behind him, and immediately there’s a hand through his hair, pulling his hair in a bun. “Thanks Tommy,” he whispers, and his twin just laughs softly, kissing his forehead. After he’s done, he gets off the bed and extends his hand towards Gilbert, tablet in hand. 

 

“Let’s go.”

\---

 

When they get to the elevator, John’s leaning against the walls, holding a blanket in his arms. He's nodding to what Alexander is talking about, the other boy bouncing on the balls of his feet. His hair is out and messy, but he has the hair tie that Gilbert gave him the day before. Then John looks up and gives them a smile, and Alexander’s squealing at the sight of them, running.

 

“Make hair!” he says excitedly, taking off the hair tie and giving it to Tommy before blinking when he sees that his twin is holding the tablet. “Oh…” he pauses before looking at Gilbert, giving him the hair tie. 

 

“Make hair?” he asks Gilbert, voice gentler and calmer. Gilbert blinks and then stares at Alexander, before glancing at his twin, who smiles, nodding to him. Then he turns back to Alexander, just as the elevator door of opens, nodding minutely, and taking the hair tie.

 

“If you're sure,” he murmurs and Alexander is giggling, grabbing his hand to pull him in the elevator, John following with Tommy. 

 

“Easy there Alexander,” John says, as the boy waves him off, standing in front of Gilbert and placing the hand he's still holding on his head, Gilbert’s fingers splayed and pushing Alexander's fringe into his eyes. 

 

“Calm my mane, Lafayette!”

 

Tommy snorts out a laugh, and John just unabashedly lets it out. Gilbert shakes his head, motioning for Alexander to turn around, tutting slightly when he sees his hair. It is definitely a mane. Alexander was a proper lion. “This is...Alexander, do you brush your hair?” 

 

“Uh…” 

 

“He didn’t,” John mutters, his own hair in a hairstyle similar to Gilbert’s, smoothed out and pulled tight. He’s yawning into his hand, standing beside Tommy, who’s back to looking at the tablet again. They were sort of leaning against each other, John blinking tiredly. “He got out of bed like that,” he continues, rubbing his eye, balancing the blanket in one arm. Gilbert can see how red John’s eyes were. Then he watches as the boy sighs, and leans his head against Tommy’s’ shoulder, who blinks, looking up, and down at John. But other than that, he doesn’t say anything, just looks back down at his tablet, but not before sparing Gilbert a glance.

 

Gilbert turns back to Alexander and sighs, trying to focus at one thing at a time. “Alright. Alexander? I have to untangle your hair, so I’ll start, alright?” he says, and gently, he starts to separate the tangled strands, working slowly to make sure he doesn’t strain the locks. It doesn’t take too long, but he does end up making Alexander walk out of the elevator with his hand in his hair, just as he’s gathering it in a ponytail. 

 

“M’gotta give this to Miss Schyuler. I’ll be back soon,” John whispers, and Gilbert glances at Tommy. “Go with him,” Gilbert says softly, sparing John a look. He looked really tired. With a pause, Thomas nods, and follows John, leading him by the elbow. 

 

“Alright tiny one, let’s go,” Gilbert hears his twin say, followed by a small laugh. 

 

Turning back to task, he finally finishes the ponytail, smiling. “There. That OK Alexander?” he asks, and Alexander grins up at him, nodding. Then he looks towards where Tommy and John disappeared to, biting his lip. 

 

“I don’t think John got any sleep,” he whispers, and Gilbert frowns. Before he can ask though, Alexander’s sitting down at one of the couches, biting his lip. “It takes me a bit to sleep, but I still got some. I think he kept waking up at night, and then tossing and turning. I never woke up long enough to know how long,” he says, and Gilbert feels awful. He’s not a stranger to not getting enough sleep. He’s better now, but that’s with coping techniques and aides. On bad days he can go days with very little sleep, constantly awake from night terrors and anxiety. 

 

“Did you ask him?” Gilbert whispers, sitting beside Alexander now, who blinks, and nods softly. 

 

“Yeah, he just said he’s trying to catch up on sleep, and told me not to worry and kissed my forehead. Then he spent the morning just listening to me,’ he says, smiling slightly. “I think he’s used to looking after people, and not the other way around?” he says, tilting his head at Gilbert. And yep, he can see that. 

 

“Sounds like Tommy,” he whispers, because yeah, no matter how things got bad for his twin, Gilbert always came first, and it’s amazing, frustrating and scary, and he wants to return the favour someday. 

 

“I bet. He really cares for you, huh?” Alexander says, pausing to look into his eyes. “Like he’d do anything for you,” he adds and Gilbert smiles sadly, closing his eyes with a nod. Tommy would do anything for him, and that’s what scares him the most.

 

\---

 

“OK, let’s switch, give me that.”

 

John blinks, pausing when Thomas stops, extending his hand. “M’what?” he gets out, squinting at him. 

 

“You’re gonna fall over, and if you do, you’re probably just going to curl up on the blanket and sleep here. So give it, and you can hold this,” he says, extending his tablet towards him. John stares for a moment before nodding, taking the tablet and then handing the blanket to Thomas. 

 

“Thanks,” he whispers, watching as Thomas rolls the blanket quite expertly and tucks it under one arm. “Ugh, how?”

 

“Longer limbs,” Thomas says simply, and then there’s a hand on his elbow, leading him to walk again. “Did you get any sleep last night?” he asks gently, and John flinches, looking down. Then he shakes his head, clutching the tablet with both hands. 

 

He really thought that getting into college and finally away from the life he’s been running from will give him some peace, but instead, it gives him more...worries. Not that he minds, no. It’s just, his nature to worry about people. From the twins, to Alexander, to his siblings, he can’t help it. Then with what Hercules and James about Charles Lee, after the bastard made that comment while they slept. It’s all too much, but it’s also his arsenal. These things make him who he is. It’s what makes him tick. And it’s also what undoes him, since he doesn’t know when to stop, unless he tries really hard. 

 

“I’m sorry we’re making you worry,” Thomas says, and John blinks, eyes widening. He knows there’s no way that the guy can read his mind, right? He turns to find Thomas staring at him, reading him, and obviously he’s smart because he’s hit it right on the head.

 

“What? No! That’s not it, don’t worry about that,” John says, laughing slightly, a little scared that Thomas may actually have read his mind. “It’s what I do, I can’t help it. I will worry, and I will fuss. You take that away from me, then I won’t be me anymore,” he whispers, gulping. That’s all he’s ever known, after all. So he might as well be honest with it.

 

There’s a pause, and then Thomas sighs. “Fine. I’m the last person that will ever take that away from you,” he says, and John believes him. With how he is with his twin after all, a big part of his identity is probably attached to being the protector. “Just keep in mind that if you are going to insist that it’s going to be the four of us, then,” he pauses, smiling at John now. 

 

“Then you know that’s it's a four-way street that goes both ways, right? Not a three-way dirt road that goes one way from you to us? We’re there for you too,” Thomas says, and John blinks, eyes widening, before he smirks, looking down.

 

“I need coffee first, then I’ll get it. Which street goes where again?” he teases, and gets a bop on the nose for it. Then there’s a hand on his elbow again, as they turn the corner to the RA office, Thomas laughing softly.

 

“Tiny smart-ass.”

 

In the end, the office is close, and there’s a sign to leave a note. Thomas rolls up the blanket and stacks it by the door, John writing a quick note:  _ “Stop avoiding me so I can say sorry!” - Short Stuff John Laurens _

 

\---

 

When they finally get to the dining hall, it’s still not packed yet since it’s the last Friday before classes start. John immediately leaves to get coffee for everyone, taking each order, and trusting them to get him food. Alexander goes with the twins and they grab enough breakfast things for four people, and make their way to a spot at the corner.

 

“Oooh, do you have your schedules?” Alexander asks, pulling out his phone, and loading his. “I know this semester is core classes, so we may have more of a chance of being in the same classes this semester more than anything. But wait, what program are you on?” he asks, bouncing slightly on his seat beside Thomas, as Lafayette lays out the food in front of them.

 

“Law,” the twins say in unison, and Alexander claps his hands. “So you’re doing general studies first too?” he asks, and Thomas nods, smiling slightly at how excited Alexander is, blinking hard when the boy just about shoves his phone to his face.

 

He grabs it to appease him, scrolling through the schedule, before grabbing the tablet he had and powering it up. Alexander sees that there’s two schedules on the screen. Probably both the twins. 

 

“I have two classes with you, and you have one class with Gibby,” Thomas says, adjusting his glasses as he compares them. Lafayette groans, pressing his forehead against the table, and banging it there.

 

“Hey, hey, stop that Gibby,” Thomas says, reaching over and stroking his brother’s hair until he stops. When Lafayette finally looks up, he’s pouting somewhat and Alexander can’t help but think of him as adorable. “We’ll figure it out, OK? We’ll be fine.”

 

“What’s wrong?” he asks instead, and Lafayette sighs, leaning into Thomas’ hand.

 

“Tommy and me, we synced our schedules so we have the same classes except for one. I am taking philosophy and he is taking classics. It finalized but I guess they changed it last minute to accommodate?” he asks, and Alexander bites his lip. Yeah, that is definitely on the fine print. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he says, before looking down at the schedule that’s still in front of Thomas. “We have philosophy together, so there’s that?” he asks, unsurely.

 

“Really?” Lafayette whispers, and Thomas is putting the schedule in front of him. Then he smiles at Alexander, nodding. “That is very good,” he says, and Alexander flushes red, happy that his friend is happy.

 

“Why so pink Alexander?”

 

He looks up and finds John grinning down at him, coffees at hand. There were three extra large coffees, and one small one, which he eagerly takes. 

 

“So tiny,” Thomas mutters, looking at the cup of coffee in front of Alexander, comparing it to his. “My coffee can eat yours for breakfast,” he says, and Alexander laughs. 

 

“I can’t drink too much caffeine,” he says, remembering Martha’s words. Yeah, he needs to Skype them tonight, and probably text them soon. “Plus I’m already--”

 

“Bouncy? Happy? Squealy?” John supplies, after taking a sip of his, Lafayette laughing softly beside him. Alexander glares, and John smiles at him. 

 

“All of the above?” John continues, and Alexander squints. “You love it, freckles,” he retorts and John just sticks his tongue out, and then winks. 

 

“Thank you for the coffee John,” Lafayette says, and John smiles, nodding. 

 

“Did I get it right? Two creams for you, and two sugars for Alexander, and black for Thomas?” he recites, and everyone nods, before Alexander grimaces at Thomas. 

 

“Ew, just black?” he asks, and Thomas blinks, before squinting at Alexander. 

 

“Uh-huh boy, that a problem?” he says, and Alexander grins. “Nah, just gross!”

 

“Hey, say what now?” Thomas exclaims, turning to Alexander and raising an eyebrow, but Alexander waves him off, Lafayette reaching over to pat his twin’s head. 

 

“S’okay Tommy. Black coffee is gross for everyone except you,” he says, and Thomas snorts, biting at his brother’s fingers, who pokes his cheek in return. Alexander loves watching them when they’re like this. Can they be happy all the time? Maybe he should start praying for that. Happiness for his new friends. 

 

“Y’all just got bad taste,” Thomas mutters, and Lafayette blows him a kiss. Yep, Alexander’s definitely gonna start praying.

 

John laughs softly, and soon, they’re digging in the food. “You didn’t have to wait for me you know,” John comments when he realized that no one ate yet. Alexander shrugs, and so does the twins. Of course they had to wait for John. It was John. 

 

“Only polite,” Lafayette says simply, pouting at Thomas who’s piling his plate high.  "Tommy, I cannot finish that!”

 

“If you don’t, John can eat it,” he says, and John nods without hesitation, swallowing a bite. Alexander starts on his pancakes, taking a small bite at a time. 

 

“So what were you guys talking about before I came?” he hears John ask, and Thomas pauses, nodding to the tablet. 

 

“Just our schedules. We have some classes together,” he says, and Lafayette passes the tablet, and Alex’s phone to him, eyes scanning. 

 

“Well I don’t have classes with any of you law majors,” John concludes, just by looking at the schedule. “But my physics night class is right next to Lafayette’s cultural studies class on Wednesday nights.”

 

“That’s the same night as the debate club,” Alexander and Thomas say in unison, and Lafayette and John blink. 

 

“Woah, let me guess, you were planning to join before you even got here?” John asks, since the school is known for the debate team. 

 

“Tommy’s a big fan of them. He watched the finals last year, and the year before, too,” Lafayette explains, and Thomas shrugs, because it’s true. John turns to Alexander.

 

“And you?” John asks, and Alexander shrugs. “George suggested it, apparently I have the disposition to do well,” he says, and Thomas snorts. 

 

“You mean you like to argue, and hate losing,” he says, and Alexander just grins. Lafayette rolls his eyes.

 

“Great, you and my twin will get along so well,” he says, voice deadpan, earning a laugh from John and Alexander and an incredulous squawk from his twin. 

 

John shakes his head, rolling his eyes. “Well, since we know how to clearly party on Wednesday nights,” his voice dripping with sarcasm, “You guys up for checking in to see if we can head to the dorms together?” he asks, and Thomas nods immediately. 

 

“Gibby’s class ends at 10:30,” he says, and Alexander can hear the worry in his voice already. “Debate ends at 11:00 and…” he stops, looking at John. 

 

“My class ends at 10:45. Laf can wait for me, and we’ll pick you guys up after,” John says immediately, and Alexander pauses, looking up. He sees the twins doing the same as well, Lafayette’s eyes widening slightly, and Thomas looking at his twin before turning to John, who’s still eating.

 

Upon realizing that everyone’s gone quiet, John looks up, and then blinks at all of them. “What? Did I say something?”

 

“What did you call me?” Lafayette asks softly, and Alexander can’t read him, and that sucks because is he mad? Upset? Alexander’s heart starts thumping in his chest, and by the look on John’s face, he slowly realizes, and starts to panic.

 

“Oh...Oh shit. Uh, sorry, it just came out. I don’t know,” John stutters out, eyes flickering between the three of them, dropping his utensils. But before he can continue, Lafayette is shaking his head, reaching over to stop John’s hands from shaking. 

 

“John it is OK,” he says, and then he’s giving John a small smile. “You can call me that. It is new. No one has called me that,” he says, and Thomas takes a deep breath, and he’s smiling, but not saying anything. 

 

“Oh...Oh alright,” John says, slowly deflating, and then he’s grinning, before looking at Alexander. The mere sight calms Alexander completely, and he smiles back, looking at Lafayette. 

 

“Can I call you that too? Please?” he asks, and Lafayette grins, before nodding, and Alexander cheers, pumping his fist up, Thomas leaning over and kissing his brother’s forehead, vaguely hearing his words. 

  
“M’so proud of you, Gibby.” 


	8. there is no calm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was a good day as the boys continue to connect with one another. Then John and Alexander's worry makes himself known to the twins.

****“Daddy, I'm coming this weekend. Please tell Peggy,” Eliza whispers, curled up in bed, under the blanket. She's facetiming him, even though only her eyes are visible. Usually she’d be out of the bed right now, in the office already, eating her breakfast. But today she couldn't do it. Just a few more minutes. Or hours. They can let her have that. After witnessing Lafayette, and how he was acting, she couldn't help but feel that it was for a very specific reason. A reason that she is too familiar with. And that was almost too much.

 

Her father’s face drops slightly, finally taking in her image probably, and her words. “Baby, did something happen? Are you ok?” he asks and Eliza bites her lip, shifting.

 

“Um...I just...I need to see Peggy. That's ok right?” she asks because maybe she's not welcome? Is that why her father is asking? But then she sees that her father is nodding, a small smile on his face.

 

“Silly Lizzy, you're always welcome. You know this. You and your sister, no matter when or what time of day. I'll have someone pick you up tomorrow--” he starts and she shakes her head.

 

“Tonight please. Angie says it’s OK...James is looking after the floor for me,” she says, remembering her sister immediately kissed her cheeks and said to just hold Peggy for the both of them. Her father smiles softly and nods.

 

“Of course. Your sister is going to be so happy to see you,” he says and Eliza smiles, hoping that it's true.

 

“Anything?” she whispers and she hears a sigh.

 

“She's doing her lessons, doing really well. Her new teacher is very kind. She always make sure that Peggy is comfortable. But...no. Nothing,” he says, and Eliza feels tears in her eyes, and the anger blossoms in her chest again.

 

“I hate him. Why did he do that to her?” she hisses and angrily wipes away his her tears. She just wants to hear peggy’s voice again. Her father starts to hush her, muttering soft words of a lullaby that he used to sing to all three of them when they were little, when they became his daughters.

 

“I know baby. I know. But he will never hurt her or anyone again,” he says but Eliza shakes her head. The guy’s in prison, for a long time. It helps when your father is a senator, but it's not enough.

 

“I want him dead.”

 

Her father sighs, nodding his head.

 

“I do too, baby.”

 

\---

 

After breakfast, Alexander and Thomas thought it would be a good idea to explore campus and try to figure out where their classes are. John liked the idea, but felt bad about dragging them when their classes were completely irrelevant to his.

 

“More exploring!” Alexander replies in turn, already walking ahead, and Thomas nods in agreement, an arm around Gilbert’s shoulders as they walk. In turn, Gilbert had an arm around his waist.

 

“I have a class near yours, too,” Gilbert says to John, who smiles softly, nodding.

 

“Alright fine,” he says, as they walk around campus. They’ve already hit both of the classrooms the twins are sharing, as well as the ones that Thomas and Alexander had together. Gilbert’s political science classroom is the same as the one that both Thomas and Alexander are in, just at a different time. “My next class is in this hall,” John says, looking down at the campus map on Thomas’ tablet, using it to navigate.

 

“Which class?” Gilbert asks, and Thomas smiles, happy that his brother seems to be coming out of his shell, especially around Alexander and John. The fact that he likes the new nickname that John made up, and is letting both of them use it was so amazing, that Thomas feels like his heart will burst in his chest.

 

“Biology...actually hold on,” John pauses, stopping altogether. Alexander, who’s been walking ahead, and then walking backwards towards them didn’t see, and barely missed John, if it wasn’t for Gilbert putting a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Easy little one,” Thomas says, and Alexander growls at him, making Thomas smirk.

 

“I am not that small,” Alexander starts, crossing his arms, and trying not to pout, which makes Thomas grin. But before he can say anything, there’s a finger on his lips, and Gilbert’s shaking his head.

 

“Non, I will not have you fighting,” he says, and Thomas sighs, squinting at Alexander who preens as if he won that round. Even if he totally did not. Thomas watches as he turns to John, looking curiously over his shoulder.

 

“You okay?” he asks, and John blinks, before nodding.

 

“Uh...all my classes except for Physics are in this building,” he says, sounding confused and in awe at the same time.

 

“That’s convenient,” Thomas says, sighing. “If only that was the case for everyone,” he whispers, and Alexander and Gilbert nod in agreement. For the first four classrooms they visited, it was in four different halls, in four different corners of campus. And all Thomas can think about is how awful winter is going to be once it gets cold. He winces, flexing his hands and sighs. Gilbert immediately turns upon hearing him.

 

“Are you alright?” his twin asks, and Thomas smiles, kissing his forehead, before boping his nose with a finger. “I’m good,” he says, smiling. Gilbert stares at him for a bit, before nodding, and turning back to John, who’s currently marking his schedule on his notebook. Unlike the others, he had his printed out, and marked.

 

“OK, so physics is on the south end of the campus. Like really far south. Near the hospital south,” he says, frowning. “Ugh, that’s going to suck at night,” he mutters, and Thomas tightens his arm around Gilbert completely. John starts to move again, and like before, they follow.

 

“Oh holy shit, you were not kidding,” Alexander gasps, as they finally arrive.

 

It takes them a good fifteen minutes to get to where they’re supposed to be, and the building looks like an airplane hanger, completely on the other side of campus, so a good twenty minute walk. There are two doors, which both look like they serve as classrooms. John winces, and sighs softly, motioning towards them. “So that’s mine on Wednesdays,” he says, pointing to the one on the left. “And I’m guessing Laf’s is this one,” he says, motioning to the door on the right.

 

Gilbert blinks, and then motions for the tablet so that he can look at his schedule, Thomas looking over his shoulder as he does. And yep, John is correct. “Jesus, who’d put a class here?” Thomas whispers, and tightening an arm around his twin.

 

“I’ll be fine,” Gilbert whispers, though there’s a little tremor in his voice, and Thomas hurts to hear it. He knows that his twin is trying to be strong, but when things like this happen, he hates it and he can’t help but worry. What if he had to come home late by himself? Or go there by himself? What about winter?

 

“We’ll go to class together. I like being early anyways,” John says, waving nonchalantly, before giving the two of them a small smile. Alexander jumps as well, raising his hand.

 

“If you guys need anything, just put it on the chat. I’ll keep my phone with me,” he says, and Thomas nods softly. He will do the same thing as well, regardless of what he’s told.

 

“Thanks guys,” Gilbert says, smiling softly, and Alexander grins. “Don’t worry Laf! We got you,” he says, smiling, and then glancing at John, giving him a look. Thomas catches it, and raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t say anything. But what was that?

 

“Okay, let’s get out of here,” John says, grinning. “It’s too nice of a day for us to spend just standing around. We should do something.”

 

“Lay on the grass and nap under a tree,” Alexander says, and John laughs, smirking.

 

“Precisely!”

 

Thomas laughs, shaking his head at the two of them, but follows them anyway, keeping an arm around his brother. Then he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket, and blinks, grabbing it.

 

_Alarm: 11AM - Gibby - 15 Minute Buffer_

 

“Ah shit,” he mutters, before pulling away from Gilbert and patting at his pockets, his heart starting to pound in his chest at the idea that he may have forgotten it, until he feels in in his back pocket. He takes it out, sighing in relief. Then he realizes something else.

 

“Water.”

 

He looks up and finds Gilbert staring at the pillbox, and suddenly, reality seems to seep back in, and Gilbert just looks so sad. Like the whole moment and revelations and developments with John and Alexander was just a break because the world pitied them enough. Thomas gulps, and looks at their two friends who have now paused and looking back at them worriedly. Then John’s eyes flicker towards his hand, and then nods.

 

“There’s a vending machine about five minutes from here, if I can remember right,” he says, already walking that direction. Alexander blinks, and then he jumps, patting at his own pockets as well. Then he pulls out his phone, and starts tapping like crazy, before sighing.

 

“OK, I’m good still. But let’s get yours settled, OK?” Alexander says, motioning for them to follow, Thomas blinks, staring at them, before looking at Gilbert. Other than that, they don’t say a single word, and Thomas isn’t sure how to take it. Are these two for real? He looks at Gilbert and finds that he has the same look on his face, because this is too good to be true.

 

They follow them until Thomas can see the vending machine for himself, and Alexander’s already swiping his card and grabbing two bottles. Then he’s walking towards them, a sheepish smile on his face.

 

“I don’t know for who…” he starts, and Gilbert smiles, taking one bottle.

 

“It’s mine,” he says, voice small. He doesn’t sound embarrass though, just a bit shy and Thomas is glad. Alexander smiles back, and then reaches for his pocket, and takes out a pillbox as well.

 

“We can be buddies!” Alexander says, and he’s smiling, but Thomas can see that there’s something different as it doesn’t reach his eyes. He watches as Alexander glances at John as their friend walks back to join them, and he looks almost nervous. “I have to take a couple of things…” he says, and John’s nodding.

 

“Will you show me when we get home? In case I need to give it to you?” John asks and Alexander’s eyes widen for a moment, before he nods, minutely. Thomas is pretty sure he didn’t expect that. His twins smiles, looking at John with newfound respect before he reaches for Thomas’ hand, grabbing the pillbox.

 

He doesn’t say a word, just takes out the pill, and takes it with a quick swig of water. Thomas automatically takes the pillbox back and pockets it. Alexander and John don’t question it at all, not the fact why Thomas keeps it instead of Gilbert, or what it is all for. Instead, John just gives them a smile, and Alexander grins, before they’re turning around and walking ahead again, Alexander grabbing John’s arm, and swinging it.

 

Gilbert stares after them, and then looks at Thomas, before shaking his head, a small smile on his face, and Thomas lets out a soft chuckle, putting an arm around his twin again.

 

“They're real,” Gilbert whispers and Thomas laughs softly, and if it sounds a little thick with unshed tears, it'll be their little secret.

 

\---

 

“Oooh grass. I love grass. So comfy,” Alexander purrs, already on his stomach and laying his head on his arms, looking so relaxed and happy. He’s literally curling up and sighing happily at the feeling of grass against him, eyes closing already. John moves beside him and gives him the extra water bottle, which Alexander promptly cuddles.

 

“OK, that’s kind of adorable,” Thomas says, and John laughs, stroking Alexander’s hair. John looks up and finds the twins have settled as well, with Thomas sitting up, and Laf’s head is on his lap, eyes already closing and John smiles at them.

 

“You are too,” he says, and Thomas laughs, before kissing Laf’s forehead, who responds by kissing Thomas’ chin, before settling down again.

 

It’s such a sweet sight and John adores it, loving that the twins are so open with one another. Then he remembers Charles Lee said and his heart starts to pound in anger, fist clenching against the grass under his hand.

 

“John? Are you alright?”

 

John blinks and looks to find Laf looking at him sleepily, turned on his side now, Thomas scrolling through his tablet. Thomas looks up as well and frowns at him, looking at his hand.

 

Slowly, he unclenches his fist and tries to calm down, taking a deep breath. “I'm fine,” he says, sounding forced and out of breath. Thomas’ frown deepens and he puts down his tablet, and John bites his lip, then he hears someone clearing their throat behind him.

 

“Well, I don’t think we’ve been formally introduced.”

 

Alexander jumps from where he was settled, fully awake, just as John spins from his spot, a growl already escaping him lowly when he sees who it is. Charles Lee was standing there, by himself, and smiling at the twins. At least, he probably thinks he’s smiling, but it doesn’t look like that at all in John’s eyes. He looks like he’s looking at prey and something in his stomach clenches.

 

Thomas turns to Lee, raising an eyebrow, Laf sitting up now and looking at Lee cautiously. Immediately, there’s a tightening on their shoulders, and Laf bites his lip. It’s clear that the two of them are looking at Lee and can see right through him. Then, Thomas speaks, after a few moments of staring at him.

 

“I don’t know, but do we need to be?” Thomas says, and his voice is low, and dripping with sarcasm, almost immediately. Laf doesn’t even flinch, but to John, and he sounds like a totally different person. This is a version of Thomas that they haven’t seen before. Lee’s smile falters and he frowns, lips pursing slightly.

 

“That’s quite rude, isn’t it?” Lee says, and Thomas lets out a chuckle, shaking his head, curls bouncing behind him. He doesn’t move other than that, Laf still quiet beside him, looking Lee. Thomas settles, and continues to look at Lee, smirking this time. He looks scary.

 

“Does this looks like a face of someone who cares?” he drawls out, his hand motioning towards his own face mockingly, and Lee growls this time. Then he stops, and then suddenly he turns his attention on Laf, and John sees his friend jump, eyes widening. Then Lee’s eyes trail down Laf completely, and John can see that he’s taking him all in, looking at him from head to toe, doing it slowly and deliberately. And Laf knows it, because he’s curling up, flinching hard, Alexander’s scrambling towards him, and...

 

And Thomas is standing, hands on Lee’s collar, John’s there  grappling to grab his friend, hand on his waist, even though he doesn’t want to. But it’s the second day, they’re in public and he needs Thomas to not be expelled.

 

Then suddenly everything stops and Lee smirks, eyes on Thomas now.

 

“Ah, no? But _that’s_ the face of someone who cares,” Lee smirks, before licking his lips and grabbing Thomas’ hands and roughly pulling away. “I hit a nerve, didn’t I?” Lee continues, watching as Thomas growls and tries to jump him, but John tightens his hold, wrapping an arm around his waist now.

 

“Don’t you look at him like that,” Thomas hisses, and his voice is shaking. God, he’s shaking so much in John’s hold. It’s the bloody elevator all over again, but this time, he’s just as angry. And he wants to pummel Lee just as hard. Lee smirks even more, and dares, he bloody dares to look at Laf who’s holding onto Alexander, hiding his face in his neck, his arms wrapped around Alexander’s waist. John barely catches it, focusing on Thomas, but Alexander looks angry, one arm protectively around Laf’s neck, the other around his waist, kneeling there and holding him. Thomas lets out a yell, and tries for another tackle, but Lee stops, turning back, hands up, and backing away.

 

“I can and I will, kid,” he says to Thomas, and John’s heart drops, holding onto Thomas harder, just watching Lee as he completely turns away, waving. “Watch your back. I always get what I want,” he sing-songs, sauntering along until he disappears, John’s heart now on his feet. Thomas then roughly pulls from John, and he’s going forward to Laf, and Alexander, and pulling his twin in his arms.

 

The sight makes John promise to never hold Thomas back again. And that if given the chance, he will teach Lee a lesson, no questions ask.

 

Laf’s shaking, and he’s trying to grab at his own hair again, Thomas desperately trying to stop him. Alexander shifts close beside him, and puts a hand on Laf’s shoulder, rubbing it there, and at first, he flinches, and then lets out a soft gasp, falling bonelessly against Thomas, his wrists trapped in his brother’s hands. Then just like with Alexander, he hides his face on his twin’s neck, and Thomas lets go to hold him, almost grappling for him desperately, like he wants to let Laf disappear in his embrace.

 

John drops to his knees next to Alexander, just looking at the twins, and he feels Alexander falling against him. Immediately, he wraps an arm around him, and pulls him close. They need help. He didn’t expect Lee to be back so soon, but that’s what happens when the world is against you. And apparently, the twins can’t have anything good, and John hates it. What the hell did Laf ever do? What about Thomas? John’s eyes close for a moment when he hears Laf let out a soft whimper, and when he opens them again, Thomas is looking up, eyes angry, rimmed red but with no tears. And John feels his heart try to jump out of his chest.

  
“Who the fuck was that?” Thomas growls, and John glances at Alexander who looks just as lost as he feels.

  
Great.


	9. what i know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys deal with the aftermath: Alexander's reminders catch up to him, John watches over the twins and witnesses a side he hasn't seen yet, and Thomas breaks in front of Alexander's eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your kind words. This part, like the few ones before it, were hard to write because it kept wanting to go towards revealing more. I had to stop, re-group, and re-assess what I wanted to be revealed at what moment, hence why it took so long. Thank you for your patience. I hope you enjoy reading it.

_ Beep. Beep _

 

Alexander pauses, eyes wide, looking down the hall. He still hasn’t found them. He gulps. The hallway is completely empty.

 

_ Beep. Beep. _

 

“OK, OK,” Alexander mutters, leaning against the wall now, and pulling out his phone. He needed to get something done, but he can’t forgo this. He promised. 

 

_ One. Three. Four if you’re wheezing.  _

 

Alexander takes a deep breath and immediately a cough builds in his chest, and comes out as an ugly hacking sound. Then he feels his lungs deflate, and a soft, pathetic noise come out of his nose, breath hitching. Four it is. He looks down at his hand, still holding that water bottle he was cuddling. He unscrews it, ends up sitting on his ass in the hall, and takes out his pillbox. And two inhalers. 

 

“Before sleep,” he mutters, pocketing the purple inhaler, and then taking the blue one. Taking the deepest breath he can, he takes in two pumps of the blue inhaler, holding his breath, taking it in. Once he does, he closes his eyes and lets that sink in. 

 

When he opens his eyes and fumbles to open the pillbox, and shakes out the pills he placed there the night before, popping them into his mouth and chasing it with water. He tilts his head back, drinking the whole bottle dry by the time he’s done. With a sigh, he falls back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling. 

 

_ Always remember to take a break Alexander.  _

 

Alexander smiles, sighing softly as he remembers what Martha had told him. His adopted mom had immediately caught on to how he can get when he gets passionate about something. He knew that the Washingtons would have no problem sending him to college, but he wanted to do it himself. Wanted to get that full-ride, and that scholarship, and more. So he worked hard. So hard that it was apparently considered overworking. 

 

He didn’t really understand it. Before he came here, before the Washingtons, that was just the standard. Working until you got what you wanted, even though it resulted in an empty stomach, a harshly beating heart and the flu. Alexander was just used to it. There was no such thing as a break. You work, and you let the horrors and the nightmares trail behind him, you get over them, and keep going. 

 

That was, until his body finally said “Nope, not gonna do this,” and collapsed on him last year. He didn’t see the big deal about it, until the Washingtons said that yeah, it is a really big deal. 

 

What an inconvenience. So now here he was, in school, with pillboxes and a schedule he never remembers even with an alarm, and worried adopted parents. 

 

At least he got that full ride.

 

_ Ding _ . 

 

Alexander laughs and looks down at his phone. Sure enough, there’s a text message. 

 

_ George: Son, make sure you take your medication.  _

 

With rapid fingers, he replies, smiling slightly. 

 

_ Alexander: Yes Pa, I already did.  _

 

Sometimes he calls him George. Sometimes he calls him Pa. Today, he needed to call him Pa. With everything happening, he needed to call him Pa. He takes a deep breath, gulping. 

 

_ Ding. _

 

_ George: I’m proud of you Alexander. Is everything going well? _

 

He thinks about the last hour and bites his lip. Alexander knows that not everything is going well. The twins are not OK, and Charles Lee, his words, his  _ threats _ are far from OK. He gulps, hands starting to shake. He bites his lip, sighing, fingers typing. Not yet. They got this. Just something for now. 

 

_ Alexander: I made friends.  _

 

The moment he types it, his heart drops, gulping. 

 

“Shit.”

 

Then he’s scrambling to stand up, and continuing down the hall, looking for much needed help. There was no time for a break.

 

\---

 

“Laf, please stop, please,” John begs, trying to hold back tears. 

 

Alexander volunteered to look for someone, anyone to help them. John’s hoping Eliza was there, or Angelica. He’ll even take James or Hercules. But they needed help. They have no idea what to tell Thomas, and he’s so angry. And for good reason. Laf hasn’t been in a good place since their encounter with Charles Lee. 

 

He holds onto Laf’s wrists, and they’re shaking, because he’s trying so hard and Laf’s annoyingly strong when he’s determined. He’s crying, eyes closed as he sobs in front of John, and it’s heartbreaking. Seeing Laf this close, John notes how different he is from Thomas. His skin is pallid, paler and sick. Especially so now that he’s shaking, and crying and a complete mess. The twins are the exact same height, but Laf is leaner, and John can only imagine lighter. There’s no way he’d be able to know, he can’t carry him, but the way Thomas did with ease beforehand, was clue enough. There’s something wrong with Laf and someone made him this way before Charles Lee even became part of the picture. 

 

“Please stop, Laf, please,” he whispers again, but the twin breaks away and his hands are back in his hair, pulling, tight, twisting. It’s meant to hurt, during and after. John can only imagine the headache he’ll have later. 

 

Thomas is behind Laf, hugging him, arms around his waist. He had tried to move previously, but Laf had panicked, thrashing and scared every time Thomas had let go of him. So basically he’s stuck there, and John’s the only one trying to stop his twin from self-harming like this. Laf’s curls were a mess, and half out of his ponytail. Thomas’ forehead is pressed against his twin’s shoulder, so John can barely see where Laf’s curls ended and where Thomas’ started. 

 

So when Laf twists his grip and pulls, but Thomas is the one that whimpers, John was confused at first. Then it happens again, and he blinks, to find that Laf’s had taken a handful of his hair, as well as Thomas’ in his left hand and was tugging, hard.

 

And Thomas isn’t saying shit, and that’s fucked up. 

 

“Laf! C’mon, let go please,” he says, more urgently now, hands going on Laf’s hands, trying to pry his fingers off, jarring his grip, and Thomas lets out a gasp. “Hey, Laf, you’re hurting Thomas, let go!” he whispers urgently.

 

Immediately, Laf’s eyes snap open and he’s staring at John, his face afraid, and if possible, even paler. “W--What?” he whimpers out, and John deflates slightly, using the opportunity to loosen Laf’s grip. 

 

“You’re pulling on Thomas’ hair too. You’re hurting him,” he says, gently, and Laf gasps, hands letting go to drop on the mattress, looking around frantically now. 

 

“Tommy?” he asks, and he looks completely lost. “Tommy, I---” he starts, and John gives him a small, sad smile. 

 

“He’s behind you, remember?” he says, and Laf’s hands drop on Thomas’ that were around his waist, and suddenly, he’s twisting, wrapping his arms around his twin, who sighs and lets himself be manhandled. “I’m here Gibby,” Thomas whispers, looking up.

 

John’s breath hitches when he sees Thomas’ eyes were hooded, swollen from crying. His glasses were crooked, red marks on his skin. John reaches over, and gently takes it off, and honestly, Thomas doesn’t even acknowledge it, just looking at Laf. John moves so he’s sitting beside them instead of behind Laf.

 

“M’sorry Tommy,” Laf whispers, his hands framing Thomas’ face now, and he’s leaning in, kissing his forehead. Thomas sighs, placing his hands on Laf the exact same way, and pulls their foreheads together. John feels like he’s looking at mirror images, except not. There were cracks in that mirror, reflected in each one. 

 

“I won’t let him hurt you,” Thomas whispers, and it’s fierce, just as fierce as when he was speaking to Charles, and John gulps, just sitting there, watching them. Should he look away? Leave them alone? But before he can do or even think anymore, Laf sits back at Thomas’ words and just gives his twin a look. 

 

A defeated, blank look. And it packed a punch, because Thomas is flinching hard, eyes widening. Then tears are pooling in his eyes before streaming down his cheeks. 

 

“You don’t believe me,” he chokes out, and John feels himself well up at the sound. Jesus. “You don’t...oh god, I--I’m sorry I failed you before…” 

 

Laf shakes his head immediately, and he’s leaning in, kissing Thomas’ cheeks, thumbing away the tears, sighing when Thomas flinches at the movement, a soft sob escaping him. 

 

“Stop. It is not...that is not your fault,” Laf whispers, and Thomas lets out a choking laugh, and it sounds angry, bitter. Very much like how he sounded when he was facing Charles Lee.

 

“You say that, but I left you. And you were a child, you--” he stops when Laf looks up, eyes hard. Harder than John has ever seen it. Then it softens, and he just looks tired, stroking Thomas’ cheek.

 

“It is not that I do not believe you,” he starts, voice soft, careful. He’s trying to form the right words. Careful not to say something he doesn’t want to say. Careful not to hurt. Or to scare. John knows how that feels. 

 

“It is just...I do not know what I am doing. Why am I always bad? It is not your fault I am bad.”

 

John’s heart drops to his stomach, and by the look on Thomas’ face, he feels the same. He hears the door open, and Alexander’s coming in, his breath hitching. 

 

“Hey, I couldn’t find any of--” Alexander starts, only to stop, when Thomas shakes his head, his hands grabbing on Laf’s shoulders, squeezing. Laf doesn’t even flinch, doesn’t even move. This happened before. Doesn’t matter, because Alexander’s not dealing with it, and John isn’t either. 

 

“Hey, hey, what the hell!” Alexander says, closing the door and walking to the bed, and he’s pulling Thomas away from Laf, while John pulls the other. Thomas laughs, and he sounds angry, and scared and defeated all the same, staring at his twin. 

 

“It’s not your fault!” Thomas yells, and Laf growls, crossing his arms. Alexander keeps an hand on Thomas’ arm, as Laf shakes his head. 

 

“How would you know?” Laf hisses. 

 

\---

 

“What?” Thomas asks, voice soft, but still angry, and Alexander doesn’t know what to do. Scratch that, he has no idea what’s happening and he wishes for a second that he was a little more honest to his Pa. Especially since he can’t find Eliza, or Angelica, and not even James and Hercules. 

 

Laf lets out a soft laugh, and it’s...humourless. It’s dark, and terrifying, and it sounds like Thomas from before, but worst. Like he’s seen things that Alexander can’t even imagine, and it’s all bottled inside, festering. John flinches behind Laf, and Alexander wants to hold his hand, but he has a twin to keep back. 

 

“How would you know, Tommy?” Laf repeats, and his words are sharp, like he’s enunciating mockingly. Thomas is staring at him like he’s lost his mind. 

 

“We both know what I know, Gibby,” he starts, and Laf lets out another laugh again, but Alexander can see that there’s tears in his eyes. “Gibby, you were a child, and god, that...that wasn’t your fault alright? It wasn’t your fault! You were not doing anything wrong,” Thomas continues, and he’s shaking in Alexander’s hold. Laf growls in response, shaking his head. Thomas is relentless, and he’s shaking his twin. “It’s not your---”

 

Suddenly, Laf’s pulling away, slapping Thomas’ hands away from him, his eyes fierce, even with the tears. He’s angry, and the twins are fighting. They’re fighting and Alexander didn’t think it was possible, and it was scary. 

 

“I know it is my fault because  _ he _ said so, alright?!” Laf yells, proper yells, and Thomas freezes, and Alexander sees the colour drain from his face. He’s so pale all of a sudden. 

 

“Thomas…” he starts, but Laf is not done.

 

“You do not get to say it is not my fault because you were not there!” Laf says, and he’s spitting his words at Thomas, who’s completely motionless. John goes forward, puts a hand on Laf’s elbow because he’s glaring at Thomas like he wants to attack him, Thomas’ hands sliding off his shoulders now. Then, he snaps out of it, and shifts.

 

“Jesus Christ, Gibby you didn’t alright? You were a kid, you didn’t--you aren’t,” Thomas starts again, and then Laf is growling, and he’s slamming his fist against his own thigh so hard that John flinches at the sound of skin hitting skin. 

 

“Laf don’t,” John whispers weakly, and Laf growls, still glaring at his twin, John completely ignored. 

 

“ _ He _ said so, alright?! And I wasn’t a kid. I was thirteen, I wasn’t a child anymore, I knew what I was doing. And I was doing something wrong, he said so, every day it is my  _ fucking _ fault,” he growls, and Thomas flinches, eyes wide, and if possible, he looks paler. Alexander feels him deflate against him, but the shaking doesn’t stop. 

 

“Thomas?” he whispers, worriedly, because Thomas doesn’t look good, just staring at Laf, who is still not done. 

 

“I--I had no one, alright?” Laf growls, and as he says the words, the tears continue, and he falls back against John, who holds him, keeps him close. Alexander’s heart starts to beat fast against his chest, because Thomas mouth drops open, but nothing comes out. 

 

“I had no one,” Laf repeats, still glaring at Thomas. “They...they took you away from me, and Papa...Papa did not...he would not listen, would not talk...would not talk to me. I...I was very...very lonely. And  _ he _ was the only one there…”

 

Oh god, Alexander was going to throw up. 

 

“He told me...showed me how bad I was...and I...he taught me that I could...how I could be good…” Laf continues, voice dropping to a whisper, a sob escaping him, and he looks up and his eyes are blank. Thomas is breathing hard now, still shaking as he stares at his twin. 

 

“I was bad, so he hurt me so I could be good,” Laf sobs out. His hands start to reach for his hair again. “I have to be hurt so I could be good.”

 

John’s eyes close and tears are streaming down his face. Alexander’s heart drops as Thomas suddenly bolts from the bed and runs to the bathroom. He follows immediately, vaguely hearing Laf bursting into a new bout of sobs, followed by John’s wordless hushes. 

 

He gets to the bathroom just in time to see Thomas fall on his knees, and grabbing the toilet, before he’s vomiting, harshly, his whole body jerking from the force. Alexander closes the door, locks it and approaches him. He takes out the hair tie that’s holding his own hair back, and gently pulls back Thomas’ curls.

 

Thomas doesn’t even flinch, just sobs and continues to vomit, and Alexander knows everything he ate that morning is gone. He finishes gathering Thomas’ hair back as much as he could. Then he sits down, facing the opposite direction, before turning halfway towards Thomas and rubbing his back, laying his forehead on his shoulder gently. 

 

“I’m here,” he whispers against his forearm. “John has your brother. I’m not leaving you.”

 

And Alexander means it. Sure, his life has been shit, but bar from getting super sick, the last two years of his life has been the best. Because he had support. He had the Washingtons. He had his Pa and his Ma, no matter if he was adopted. When was the last time someone was there for Thomas? Not Laf and Thomas, but just Thomas? It’s clear that Thomas had been looking after his twin this whole time, but who was there for him? When he was talking about his twin being a child, Alexander could tell that Thomas didn’t see himself in the same light. Which is fucked up. “I’m here to stay,” he whispers again, needing Thomas to understand that. He knows now the warmth that comes from company, of not being alone. He needs Thomas to know that he can provide that. 

 

He feels Thomas shift, and then hears the toilet flush, followed by the lid closing. Then, Thomas is turning towards him, and Alexander wastes no time pulling him into his arms. 

 

And Thomas breaks, and he’s sobbing and clinging to Alexander, who gets a faceful of curls as he does, but doesn’t care. It’s awkward because he’s small, and Thomas is annoyingly tall, but he does his best, wrapping his arms around Thomas’ waist. As he does, Thomas settles, arms around Alexander’s shoulders as he holds on tight. With a sigh, Alexander closes his eyes. 

 

“I’m not leaving,” he repeats, his thumb rubbing in small circular motions on Thomas’ back, who continues to heave and sob. And he’s not the only one. Laf is sobbing outside, and Alexander half expects Thomas to run out, but he doesn’t and that’s when it becomes grossly clear that something is wrong. If anything, he clings harder on Alexander. Something was truly broken, and Alexander hopes that they can fix it. 

 

Slowly, Thomas’ sobs turn into sniffles, but he continues to cry, and Alexander still holds him. When Thomas shifts, and pulls away, Alexander lets him. Wiping tears from his own eyes with the back of his hand, Thomas turns so that he’s sitting against the toilet, facing the door now. Alexander shifts so he’s sitting beside him, and facing the door with him. Then he reaches for Thomas’ hand, and holds it, like he does John’s. The twin tugs on his hand, holding it in both his hands on his lap, forcing Alexander to press closer to him, thighs touching. 

 

They’re both staring at the door when Laf lets out a loud sob, and Thomas shivers at the sound. Alexander turns to see him closing his eyes, tears streaming down his cheeks, face still so pale. With his free hand, he reaches up and wipes his tears away. This skin feels clammy to the touch, and Alexander hates it. 

 

“Thomas?” he asks worriedly, and gets on his knees when Thomas flinches, curling up a little. “Hey...Hey are you--”

 

“I don’t…” he starts, shivering, and Alexander gets on his knees, stroking his forehead, feeling the sweat there. “I don’t feel good…” he gulps, and he’s gasping, and Alexander’s pressing a hand on his neck, feeling his pulse, which was rapid. Yep, he definitely knows what this is. 

 

“OK, no more large coffee for you,” he says, and Thomas lets out a weak laugh, falling forward and pressing his forehead against Alexander’s shoulder. “Breathe, you’re having an anxiety attack. Just breathe. I’m here. Your twin is outside. John is outside. We are safe. You are OK,” he says, pressing a kiss on Thomas’ forehead. Then he stops. “Er, sorry was that alright?” he asks softly, and Thomas smiles against his shoulder. 

 

“Y--Yeah…” Thomas whispers, breath still hitching, tensing slightly when Alexander wraps his arms around him, letting out a soft sob. Then he’s moving and Alexander looks down to find him clutching his chest. 

 

“Your chest hurts?” he asks, and Thomas nods shakily, breath hitching. “Alright, let’s count. OK? With me, alright?” he says, dropping to sit on his thighs so he’s looking at Thomas straight, grabbing both of his hands now. Thomas’ eyes were still closed. “Open your eyes. Can you do that with me?” he asks, and Thomas gulps, before nodding, eyes opening slowly. Alexander gives him a small smile, and then he’s counting. 

 

Alexander first, then Thomas. Thomas is more mouthing the numbers, but it steadies his breathing slowly. He’s still crying, tears streaming down his face, and he’s trying to curl up, but soon he relaxes and he falls against Alexander again, who gets on his knees in time to hold him, kissing his forehead. Then he wraps his arms around him, rubbing his back. 

 

“Is it better?” he asks softly, and Thomas sighs, nodding his head. 

 

“Still hurts, but it’s better…” 

 

Alexander bites his lip, before taking a deep breath. “Thomas, are you...are you taking anything for this?” he asks softly. 

 

Thomas stiffens, and Alexander looks down at him. He shifts, and Thomas gulps, then he’s wrapping his arms around Alexander’s waist. 

 

“Gibby is,” he whispers, and Alexander sighs, closing his eyes. Damn. But before Alexander can say anything else, Thomas is shaking his head. 

 

“Alexander, please…” 

 

With a sigh, Alexander nods, just holding him close. He doesn’t say another word, just holding him. Laf’s no longer crying outside, at least, not as loud. He sits there with Thomas wrapped around him for a good bit, until Alexander’s feel his legs go numb. 

 

“Can I tell you a secret?” Thomas says, and it almost echoes in the bathroom. Alexander blinks, looking down at him, before nodding against his head. 

 

“Of course,” he whispers, and Thomas gulps, biting his lip. 

 

“Gibby...Gibby and I got separated just before we turned thirteen. I saw him again when we were seventeen. He was hurt...someone hurt him, and it’s been only me and Gibby ever since,” he says, and Alexander nods, dropping on his thighs again to look at Thomas. That makes sense, from what he’s heard in the room before. Thomas sighs, looking up at the door behind Alexander. 

 

“The thing is...I don’t know what happened to Gibby,” he says, and Alexander freezes, eyes wide. 

 

“What?” How?

 

Thomas laughs, bitterly, defeatedly, and turns to Alexander, eyes blank. 

 

“It’s been two years since...and I...I only know what I know: how I found him. And who did it to him. But what happened to him those four years? What you heard back there? Well, you know...you know just as much as I do,” he says, closing his eyes, tears streaming down his face again. 

 

“How am I supposed to help him when I’ve just been guessing all along, Alexander?” he asks, brokenly, and Alexander pulls him into his arms. 

 

“I can’t...I can’t…I haven’t helped him. He’s right. I don’t...I don’t know. But I know I can’t let Charles Lee hurt him,” Thomas whimpers, trailing off into another bout of sobs, and Alexander closes his eyes, holding him tight, tears streaming down his own cheeks now, his determination only allowing him to say the next words and nothing else, as he holds Thomas in his arms. Because Eliza and them might not be there to help, and the twins may have been alone before all this, but Alexander and John made Thomas a promise, and he intends to keep it. 

 

“You’re not alone.” 


	10. secrets help no one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We see John and Laf at the other side of the door. Secrets are shared, pasts revealed, and then locked away. Camaraderie is built, but it's not for everyone, and one suffers the consequence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, thank you for your kind words. For this one, please read with caution, and heed the warnings.

“You’re not alone, okay? I’m here. Your twin is just in there. And so is Alexander.”

 

John says, as soon as he pulls Laf into his arms, his sobs barely muffled by John’s shoulder. His shoulders were heaving with the force of his sobs, getting louder when he hears Thomas throwing up in the bathroom. Then he starts to mumble words that John can’t even begin to understand. And that won’t do. 

 

“Hey...hey, Laf? You know I can’t understand French right?” he says, trying to pull away to look at him. “Let me understand Laf, please. I want to help,” he whispers gently, stroking his back. Laf whimpers in reply, looking up, and oh god, John can’t stop his own tears. 

 

Laf looks so defeated, and the pain is clear in his eyes, tears down his cheeks, and he looks so pale. Too pale. Like a sick person that’s just forcing their way through life for whatever reason, just waiting for their body to collapse. He’s seen that look on a couple of faces before. In group. After a bit, he never saw them again. 

 

Is that what’s going to happen to Laf? 

 

No. Not if John has anything to say about it. That’s not happening. They’re not losing Laf.

 

“You pity me.”

 

John blinks, and suddenly, Laf’s there, staring into his eyes, and he looks...tired. So tired. He doesn’t even look angry. “What?” John croaks out, unable to form any other words. 

 

“You...I see your face. You pity me. I know I...I know how I look John. I know I look…” he stops, gulping. “I am disgusting. I know this. I…” he whimpers, and John shakes his head because Jesus Christ is that what his face looked like?

 

“No! Don’t you dare. Don’t you decide what I think for me like that, please Laf,” John says, voice firm, but still so gentle. At least, he hopes it’s gentle. He takes Laf’s hand and squeezes it, glad when he feels a small squeeze back. “I do not pity you,” he says firmly, and Laf shrugs. 

 

“I would not blame you, I am disgusting. I do not understand many things,” he says, and John shakes his head. 

 

“You are not, alright? You are not disgusting. And I will help you understand. And if I don’t, we can be confused together, and we’ll figure out the answer! Alexander will help us. Thomas will help us,” he says, and a part of him knows that he’s talking beyond the simplest of things, for both Laf and himself. Laf lets out a sob, shaking slightly, and John chances it, and gently wipes Laf’s tears away, who flinches, but lets him, eventually leaning towards it. 

 

“Thomas is always there to help, remember?” John whispers, and Laf closes his eyes. Then he hears Thomas sob in the bathroom, and he lets out another sob himself, like he can’t help it. 

 

“He thinks me disgusting now,” Laf whimpers out, his hands reaching for his hair again, and John grips both of his wrists, pulling them away. 

 

“Don’t. Laf, don’t hurt yourself and talk to me. I know Thomas doesn’t find you disgusting. What changed that you think that now?” John asks, not wanting to just brush off whatever Laf’s fears are. He hated it when they did it to him, because it felt like no one thought his fears were legitimate enough to be felt. 

 

Laf flinches, curling up, even though his wrists are trapped in John’s hands. When he doesn’t try to pull at his hair again, John lets go of his wrists, and then wraps his arms around him gently, only tightening when Laf falls against him, his sobs so harsh that it forces coughs out of him. “Shhh, deep breath. Then when you’re ready, talk to me,” John whispers, hands careful and gentle, careful not to touch his hair. 

 

“It hurts so much,” Laf gasps out as he sobs, and John closes his eyes. “Everything hurts, I am so tired. I am tired John…” 

 

“Talk to me Laf. Please.”

 

All he’s met with is a ragged sob and more tears soaking his shirt. He holds him closer, just rubbing his back, waiting for something, anything. A strong sob escapes him, and John finds himself hushing him softly, without words, just soothing sounds to try and ground him.

 

“I am a horrible brother.”

 

“How?” he asks, gently, and then he feels Laf shift, and soon he’s not holding him, just sitting beside him. He takes his hand though, and Laf gladly accepts, shaking. 

 

“You know Tommy has broken hands?” 

 

John blinks, looking up. “Broken...hands?” he asks, wondering if it’s a lost in translation thing, but Laf nods. Everything is still disconnected though. Laf’s out of it, and John can’t blame him.

 

“Mama and Papa separated me and Tommy when they got divorced. Then they changed our names. I am Lafayette. He is Jefferson,” he says, and John nods, keeping quiet. If he grew up and cared for his father’s values, he has no doubt that he’d know these names and who or what they are associated to. But right now, he does not give a damn, because it’s Laf and Thomas and that’s it. 

 

John vaguely hears the exhaust turning on in the bathroom.

 

“We were nearly thirteen...and before...before then we got a new teacher. He lived...with us. He was…” he starts, gulping, a gasping sob escaping him. “He…”

 

“He hurt you,” John finishes for him, and Laf nods, whimpering wetly, and John reaches over gently to wipe away some of his tears with his thumb. 

 

“Tommy does not know all of it. He knows some. He...He only knew that I was scared of him before he was gone, and he knew of how he found me,” he says, leaving it hanging. John gulps. 

 

“How did he find you?” he asks, gently, carefully. 

 

Laf flinches so hard, then he shakes his head, and he’s trying to curl up and Jesus that’s the wrong question, and soon John’s holding him again, apologizing profusely, over and over in a whisper. “I’m sorry, I won’t ask, you don’t have to say Laf, I’m sorry,” he says, and the only response he gets for what he feels like is a good long while are heart-wrenching sobs.

 

When they reduce to sniffles, and Laf calms down enough to sit by himself again, John tells him that he doesn’t have to continue, and Laf shakes his head. 

 

“I can...I just...not that. But…” he trails off, before looking down at his lap. “Tommy broke his hands, both of them, when he...he found me. He was punched...he punched him a lot...so angry. And it..it was the first time I saw him in four years. I remember his face...I was so scared he...he was gonna get hurt,” he whimpers out, sobbing. “I told Tommy to get away, because I didn’t want him hurt.”

 

“But he didn’t get hurt,” John guesses. “Other than hurting his hands protecting you,” he adds, and Laf whimpers, shaking his head. 

 

“He still got hurt!” he insists but John shakes his head. “Nah, there’s a difference,” he whispers, wiping away his own tears and looking at Laf. “Did your teacher touch your brother?” he asks, and Laf bites his lip, before shaking his head. 

 

John bites his lip, before deciding to push it. “Did the teacher touch you?” 

 

Laf freezes, eyes closing. Then he slumps after a moment, like his strings have been cut, and John holds onto his shoulders. 

 

“Everyday.”

 

John feels like he’s going to throw up, and his fingers tighten slightly around Laf’s shoulders. “Since when,” he whispers, and Laf sobs softly. 

 

“The night Tommy left,” he gasps out and Jesus god he was twelve what the fuck. 

 

“You were twelve,” John says, pulling him close now, unable to help it. Laf whimpers. 

 

“Just touched. He did not do more until my birthday. When I was really bad. I yelled at Pa. I wanted Tommy for my birthday,” he whispers defeatedly, like he’s lost in the dark, with no way out. John feels a sob escape him before he even hears it, tears down his face, since Jesus Laf told them what happened when he was apparently bad.

 

“To when,” John says, voice wet and choking because he’s crying, face red, but he needed to continue. To get something. So he can help. He needs to help. Fuck.

 

Laf whimpers, then he’s curling his legs towards himself, his pantleg lifting slightly as he does. John lets him, sitting back as watches as Laf grasps the hem, before pulling it, showing John the skin underneath. There’s discolouration on the skin, like there’s been cuts upon cuts that healed on top of another, scarring it. And John could tell that it had been deep. He looks back at Laf to find the twin staring at him. John gulps. 

 

“To when,” he repeats, and Laf looks down. 

 

“To when Tommy found me chained to my bed by my ankles,” comes to reply and John felt faint, and Laf’s eyes widen like he didn’t mean to tell John, and he’s pulling away, but John chases him, holds him close. 

 

“Shh...I got you. You’re going to be fine,” he whispers, but he’s pretty sure it comes out as a whimper, and Laf’s crying against his shoulder. “It’s not going to happen again.” 

 

“Do not tell Tommy,” he whispers in John’s ear, clinging tighter as he does. John bites his lip, closing his eyes. 

 

“What does he know?”

 

“How he found me,” Laf says, his voice defeated, and John opens his eyes to look at him, to make sure he’s not losing him. 

 

“Who knows how it started?” John says carefully, and Laf’s eyes slide over to him, biting his lip. 

 

“Just you.” Fuck. Alright. No pressure. 

 

“Who knows everything in between?” 

 

Laf lets out a bitter laugh at that, and tears start to pool in his eyes anew and stream down his face. John’s quick to reach over, to wipe away his tears. Laf looks into his eyes, and lets him, giving him a sad smile.

 

“Just me.” 

 

\---

 

After Thomas calmed down about Charles Lee, he settled beside Alexander again, and the smaller boy was leaning against him, and Thomas was doing the same. His chest still feels heavy, and his stomach burns from its newly emptied state. He wants to sleep and never wake up. His hands hurt like crazy, but at the same time he wants to keep moving them.

 

“So Laf hasn’t told you anything?” Alexander whispers after a while, and Thomas sighs, shaking his head. Then he pulls away slightly, and takes his hair out of its ponytail, motioning for Alexander to turn his back towards him. 

 

“M’going to put my hands in your hair now, OK?” he says gently, and by god he sounds like a frog, Jesus. Alexander nods, and Thomas smiles softly, before gently carding his hands through the long locks, smoothing out the strands, getting rid of any knots. Then he takes a deep breath, grimacing slightly because now that he’s calmer, he can smell the tinge of vomit in the air. He stops, and goes on his knees to reach for the exhaust switch, which was loud, but comforting, to try and air out the smell. Then he settles back down, hand in Alexander’s hair again. 

 

“He hasn’t,” he whispers after a moment, taking his time as he works gently, before getting an idea, and working through it, wanting to keep busy, not wanting to lose his nerve. “I found him. Then I found his abuser.”

 

Alexander stiffens, and Thomas shifts so he can look at his face, and finds him closing his eyes, tears streaming down his face. 

 

“I didn’t witness any of it, just...the aftermath,” he chokes out, and Alexander lets out a sob. 

 

“T--That’s still...oh god,” his friend whimpers, and Thomas smiles sadly. It’s like that now Alexander has calmed Thomas down, he couldn’t hold his grief anymore. He pauses what he’s doing with his hair, tying it, before wrapping his arms around him from behind, forehead on his shoulder.

 

“You care so much already,” he whispers, the first words in his mind. “You and John...you’ve known us for two days and you care so much more than anyone has ever in our lives.” He feels Alexander grasp his arm, clutching it as he curls up. 

 

“And I’ll keep caring. I want to help. Let me help,” Alexander whimpers out. “No one was there for you. So I’ll be there. And John. I’ll help. Even my Ma and Pa, I’m sure they’ll help,” he gets out and Thomas laughs softly, squeezing Alexander. 

 

“The senator’s going to help us?” he whispers, entertaining the idea. Alexander nods immediately. 

 

“They’re foster parents you know? I was the first one they adopted,” he says, sniffling. “Took me all the way from the Caribbean after the hurricane.”

 

Thomas blinks, pausing. “You were in that? The one in St Croix?” he asks, remembering back on the news. The devastation. How so many people died. They all drowned. 

 

Alexander stiffens in his hold. “It...It was so loud. Cold. I was in the water, it felt like days. I swear...I was already alone. My father left me when I was younger and my mother died when we both got sick, so I didn’t have anyone already. I think I kept drowning, but I wouldn’t die, just like when I was sick,” his words were coming out as rapid whispers, and Thomas’ heart drops.    
  


“Alexander, you’re not there. You’re with me,” he whispers, holding him close, making a mental note. Alexander takes a deep breath to calm himself, fingers digging slightly into Thomas’ arm, but he doesn’t care. It’s grounding. He appreciates it. 

 

“You’re here now,” he whispers, and Alexander gulps. 

 

“I’m here now. With...with Ma and Pa and they helped me. I’m so broken and sick and they helped me. I’m better now, and I’m helping you now. And Ma and Pa will help you too,” Alexander says, and Thomas felt envious. To have parents that helped them, instead of treating like pawn pieces in a chess game would have made all the difference. 

 

“So they’re good to you?” Thomas asks softly, because Alexander is tiny, and apparently sickly, and all of this is worrying him and he wants him OK. 

 

“My first night...they promised to help me and I believed them,” Alexander whispers softly. “They haven’t broken it yet.” 

 

Thomas closes his eyes, sighing. “And they can help Gibby?”

 

“And you.”

 

Thomas opens his eyes at that and moves, shifting forward and putting his chin on his shoulder, looking at Alexander, who’s looking back at him, tear tracks on his face. “I’m alright,” he whispers, and Alexander shakes his head. 

 

“You are, but you can be better,” he says, and Thomas blinks. 

 

“You think I’m alright?” he asks, and Alexander shrugs minutely. 

 

“Thinking of one’s self as alright is relative to their own experience,” Alexander says, smiling sadly. “The more shit you go through, the darker your life has been, it makes every small good thing feel like you’re alright. Even how insignificant it is to others. Like for me, Ma letting me just sit there and not talk for days made me trust her, just because she let me be. It’s not a big deal to a lot of people, but that made me trust her.”

 

Thomas falls silent, just holding Alexander, sighing. “I get that.”

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“You coming after us after the elevator. Even I was a raging dick to you,” he whispers. “Sitting there, forcing yourself in my space, being a friend no matter how hostile I was. Then being so ready to help. I’ve...I’ve never had that. I haven’t had that, and it made me trust you,” Thomas explains and Alexander blinks, brows furrowing. 

 

“You trust me?” he asks, and Thomas shrugs. 

 

“Yeah. I left Gibby with you when I dropped off the blanket with John, didn’t I?” he asks, and Alexander frowns. 

 

“Yeah but--” Alexander starts, and Thomas shakes his head, squeezing him.

 

“Alexander. I haven’t left my twin since I found him. He is always by my side,” he says, turning to him slightly. Alexander’s eyes widen, and Thomas can’t help but smile at him. 

 

“Really?” Alexander asks, voice careful, and Thomas nods. “Other than the obvious times, Gibby has been by my side for the last two years.”

 

“Wow. So you trust John too?” 

 

Thomas lets out a soft chuckle, turning to bury it on Alexander’s shoulder, he smiles. “Yeah,” he whispers.  Then Thomas gives him one last squeeze before pulling away to continue on Alexander’s hair. 

 

They sit in silence for a few minutes, and Alexander’s shifting. “Ask,” Thomas whispers, knowing that he’s curious, and wants to continue. 

 

“How did you find him?” 

 

Thomas pauses, before biting his lip and continue, focusing on Alexander’s hair. “In his bed. He looked sick. Scared. He yelled at me in French, telling me to get away, even though he yelled my name, trying to pull me in his arms. Then it’s like he realized where he was and started pushing me away,” he whispers, remembering. 

 

“And the abuser?” Alexander continues, Thomas sighing. 

 

“Our bedrooms were connected. That’s how we grew up. The bastard came out of my bedroom when he heard Gibby screaming, and he was naked,” he says, choking slightly in remembrance, and he feels like he’s going to puke again. Alexander lets out a pathetic sound at what he said, and he stops working on his hair, tying it up. 

 

“Thomas?” Alexander asks, and he shakes his head, crawling to the toilet again, before he feels his stomach lurch, and he’s dry heaving, puking out whatever liquid was left in his stomach, throat burning. Every time he remembers, he throws up. After every nightmare, every flashback, he throws up. He hates it so much. 

 

“Shhh...I’m so sorry,” Alexander says, and he’s beside him again, arm around his shoulder, rubbing, comforting. “I won’t ask anymore. I’m sorry,” he whispers, and Thomas shakes his head. 

 

“Not your fault,” he moans out, after he feels clear, and Alexander’s taking the toilet paper roll and bringing it to him. He flushes the toilet one more time, and wipes his mouth, sighing. He sits back, puts the lid back on, and Alexander’s on his right, giving him a half hug.

 

“My questions made you sick,” Alexander whispers, and Thomas shakes his head again. 

 

“The memories did. I can’t help it, especially when I have a constant reminder of it,” he says, and puts up his hands in front of his face, showing them to Alexander, who frowns, looking confused. Thomas nods to him. 

 

“Look,” he says, before laying his hand palm down on Alexander’s, and his friend takes it gently in both hands. He’s staring and then his eyes widen. “Oh shit.”

 

Thomas’ right hand is heavily scarred, due to a number of metal pins that had to be surgically placed to fix it. Then he brings his left hand towards Alexander and shows it to him, and how it’s in a similar state, if not even worse. 

 

“Broke three of my fingers on my right, and on my left I broke my hand, two fingers and my thumb,” he explains, and Alexander winces, letting go of Thomas’ hands in favour of clutching his own to his chest. 

 

“Ow,” he whimpers, and Thomas smirks, nodding. “They still hurt now. Winters are going to be bad. Airport security is even more of a bitch now,” he says and Alexander nods, and he could see that his friend is making a mental note, or two. 

 

“I don’t remember what the bastard looked like after I was done, but if I did that much damage to my hands, then it has to be good right?” he says, and Alexander’s eyes widen. 

 

“Fuck...you broke your hands beating him?” he asks, and Thomas shrugs. 

 

“I should have killed him,” he mutters, and he still wishes that. “I only stopped...I only stopped because Gibby was screaming for me. So I went to him and I couldn’t even get him out of bed,” he says, breath hitching in memory. Alexander takes his hand, but doesn’t squeeze, obviously scared to do so now, so Thomas squeezes his hand instead. 

 

“He had been naked. And under a blanket. The bastard, he chained Gibby to the bed. By his ankles. I couldn’t get him out, and there…” he shakes his head, remembering blood. Blood that wasn’t his or the abuser’s. Blood nowhere near his hands. On the sheets, down Gibbby’s legs, both dry and fresh. Thomas breath hitches again and he feels his chest hurting, and his heart was going to jump out of his mouth, he swears. 

 

“The sheets they were...there was b--blo--” he stops, unable to continue, and the tears are coming again and he wants to puke, and his chest hurts so much. He thought he could tell Alexander, because he wanted to tell him. He wanted to be honest. Alexander wants to help, thinks the senator can help Gibby so he has to try, but everything hurts and he can’t breathe. 

 

“Hey, Thomas? Thomas!” he hears Alexander, and he looks up to find Alexander’s wide eyes, and he lets out a whimper, clutching his chest as he feels heavy, falling backwards, barely hearing him now, barely registering the sharp pain he feels on his head. 

 

“Shit! John! Laf!” Alexander screams, scrambling for Thomas, but he can’t see him just as his eyes close. 

 

\---

 

After their talk...after Gilbert thought of sure that he has alienated John forever, John had suggested that he lay down and try to get some rest. 

 

“They are still in there,” Gilbert whispers, looking at the bathroom door to find it still closed. John gives him a small smile. 

 

“I know, but they’re OK. Your brother has Alexander, he’s taking care of him,” he says, and Gilbert sighs, laying down on his side. He blinks in surprise when John lays down beside him, facing him as he lays on his side as well. John smiles at the look on his face. 

 

“Something on my face? Other than my freckles?” he asks, and Gilbert blinks. 

 

“I...you don’t hate me? Find me...disgusting?” he asks, gulping. He’s not sure what he’ll do if John does tell him yeah, he’s just here out of pity. In the two days he’s known Alexander and John, he has considered them friends. He doesn’t have many. Only them. 

 

John smiles at him, shaking his head. Then he reaches over, wiping away some of Gilbert’s tears. “Of course not. Why would I?” he asks softly, and Gilbert frowns.

 

“Because I had sex at thirteen with my teacher,” he says, because that is disgusting, right? That’s awful. You don’t do that, and Gilbert did it. 

 

John flinches, and Gilbert bites his lip when he looks so sad. He whimpers, involuntarily, unsure of what John is going to do. He doesn’t expect him to cry though. 

 

“John?” he asks worriedly, and John shakes his head, taking his hand, holding it. 

 

“Laf you know that’s rape, right? You didn’t have sex with him. He raped you,” he says, and Gilbert shakes his head, because that’s not right. 

 

“I let him.”

 

John bites his lip, before gulping and then looking into Gilbert’s eyes. And he knows he’s friend is trying to make him understand, but Gilbert does understand. 

 

“Were you scared? When it happened?” he asks, and Gilbert frowns, before nodding, not sure why that’s an issue. 

 

“Everyone’s scared of their first time,” he whispers, flinching when he realized that he repeated his teacher’s words. He said so. It was true. He was so scared. 

 

“Did you want it?” John asks, and Gilbert bites his lip. “Be honest Laf.”

 

“No,” he whispers, closing his eyes, and tears are coming again even though he felt like he can’t cry anymore. “No I did not want it.”

 

“Then it’s rape, Laf,” John says, squeezing his hand, and Laf whimpers. It’s what Tommy said. All the time it’s what Tommy said, but this...this is the first time someone else has said it. 

 

“One day you’ll believe me,” John says softly. “One day, you’ll believe me, and your brother, and Alexander and anyone else that tells you that you did nothing wrong. You were a child. He was an adult.”

 

Gilbert opens his eyes and finds John staring at him, eyes soft, and open. “How do you know?” he asks, softly, tears down his face. John reaches over with his free hand, wiping it away. He looks deep in thought, before taking a deep breath.

 

“Because...it’s what happened to me. I didn’t...I didn’t believe anyone that told me that what happened to me was not my fault. Not until just two years ago, when the state and my foster parents got me and gave me the help I needed,” he whispers. 

 

Gilbert’s heart drops. Does this mean John had been hurt too? Did someone do the same thing to John like his teacher did? Apparently, his worries are clear on his face, because John’s shaking his head. 

 

“Laf, Laf, it’s OK. No one...no one did that to me. But I did get hurt. Physically. A lot,” he whispers, gulping afterwards. “My dad beat me. A lot. In the end, he...he put me in a coma, and it landed me and my siblings in the system. I haven’t seen them in years, and dad is in prison,” he explains, and Gilbert whimpers, squeezing John’s hand who smiles sadly. 

 

“He used to tell me if I was a better son, he wouldn’t have to hit me. For years he said that, until he put me in that coma,” John says, biting his lip. “And for a long while, even after, I believed him, because if I was better, why would he beat me, you know?” 

 

Gilbert nods, because he understands. If he was good, if he wasn’t bad, his teacher would not have hurt him. 

 

“So I was once in your shoes, Laf. I didn’t believe anyone. Then the state took me in, put me in a foster home just so I can get professional help. I was nearly of age, but with what happened, they accommodated my needs. I had...done things to worry them. Got into lots of fights, did things...I was very angry and scared,” John says, biting his lip, and Gilbert gulps. He knows what that feels. 

 

“M’sorry…” he whispers, and John smiles. “Thank you, but do you see what I’m trying to say? I know now, today, that it was not my fault what happened to me. I was not a bad son. My dad was a bad father. And there was a time that I didn’t believe that, and even now sometimes it creeps up on me. But I know now that I was not wrong. I just want you to know that I get it. It’s hard, when someone throws you in a hole so deep that it feels like you’ll never crawl out, and suddenly, there’s a ladder,” he continues and Laf nods in understanding.

 

“Tommy is my ladder,” he whispers, and John laughs softly, nodding. “Yes. And now Alexander and I are going to be waiting on the other side too. We’ll take turns being the ladder even,” he says, and Laf gives him a small smile. Then he glances over John’s shoulder to the bathroom door.

 

“Please do not tell Tommy what I told you. Not yet. He is...he is so worried about me already,” he whispers. John bites his lip, nodding his head. Gilbert is glad, since he’s kept it for the last two years, he’d like to continue doing so. 

 

“Can I ask the same? About my dad? Not yet, just...between us, please?” he asks, and Gilbert nods in understanding. 

 

John smiles softly, squeezing his hand, before there’s a thump, from the bathroom. Gilbert frowns, going to sit up. 

 

“Shit! John! Laf!” Alexander screams, and Gilbert’s heart drops, and he’s scrambling off the bed, running to the bathroom door.

 

“Alexander! Tommy!” Gilbert yells, trying to open the door to find it locked. “Alexander! Open the door!” he yells again, trying to push it. He hears scrambling on the other side, and he pushes the door open as soon as it gives, Alexander barely getting out of the way.

 

Tommy’s on the floor, his eyes closed, Alexander’s over him, hand on his chest, where Tommy’s own hand is clenched in a fist, clutching his shirt. Gilbert feels the world crash around him. 

 

“He fell back and hit his head,” Alexander says, but Gilbert’s barely listening, kneeling beside his twin. “I didn’t catch him in time.”

 

“Tommy?” he whimpers out, and he sees how his brother is gasping. He hasn’t seen his brother like this before. 

 

“Sit him up,” John says, and he’s pulling Gilbert away, and he whimpers, shaking his head. “Non--John,” he starts, but John shakes his head, looking at Alexander now. 

 

“Alexander,” he says, and Alexander looks up at both of them and his eyes are wide, and there’s tears on his cheeks. Then he nods, and he’s standing, and soon he’s behind Gilbert, pulling him away. 

 

“He was having a panic attack, John,” Alexander says from behind Gilbert as he keeps pulling him away from Tommy. “Tommy,” he says in panic, but John’s turned away now, and he’s leaning over his twin. Panic attack? 

 

“Thomas? Can you hear me?” John asks, hand on his shoulder, before gently pulling him up with a groan. John is shorter, smaller, but he does it. Thomas is sitting up, leaning heavily against John, clutching his chest. Gilbert whimpers, trying to reach for him, but Alexander pulls him back. 

 

“OK, we need to get you up,” John says, eyes widening when he realized that there’s no way he can do it. Gilbert pulls away from Alexander again, with more force this time, and gets to his brother’s side. 

 

“C’mon Tommy,” he whispers, taking his brother in his arms, holding him up with John’s help, and standing. As soon as they get their balance, he wraps an arm around his brother’s waist, groaning when Tommy leans against him. “Ugh, heavy,” he whimpers, and Tommy gasps. 

 

“M’sorry Gibby,” he whimpers, and Gilbert shakes his head, walking him over to the bed. 

 

“Shut up Tommy.” His twin just needs to be fine. Tommy’s going to be fine. Tommy’s going to be just fine. He will carry him no matter how heavy. Tommy has carried him enough, and more.

 

Alexander chuckles behind them, unable to help it, then the little one runs over to the bed and leans the pillows against the headboard, pulling back the blankets. John and Gilbert put Tommy on it, and as soon as he’s on, Alexander’s grabbing Thomas’ legs and swinging them up. Thomas falls back against the pillows, gasping, still clutching his chest. 

 

“No, no, you need to sit up, c’mon,” John says, making Thomas do just that, then his fingers are on his neck, and Gilbert sits beside his brother, pressing close, Alexander standing beside him on the bed. 

 

“I’m sorry Laf, I couldn’t catch him,” Alexander whimpers, and Gilbert turns to him, taking him in. Alexander looks properly scared, eyes wide. His hair is a bun atop his head, and Gilbert can see that the underside of his hair is braided. Definitely Tommy’s work. He takes his hand and Alexander clings to it. “What happened?” he asks instead, turning back to his twin, still holding on the little one. 

 

“Panic attack, second one,” Alexander whispers, and John nods, feeling Thomas’ pulse. Second one?

 

“OK, Thomas, deep breath. Ride it out. They come in waves, OK? But you’ll be fine. And I’m banning large coffees for you. Actually no one gets large coffees,” John says, and Thomas lets out a gasping whimper, opening his eyes. 

 

“Alexander already said that,” he whispers, then his eyes slide over to Gilbert. “M’okay Gibby…” 

 

Gilbert takes in a breath, reaching with his free hand and pressing it against his brother’s hand that’s on his chest. “Stop it Tommy. Focus. Listen to John,” he says, tears down his face because he’s useless during this, isn’t he? 

 

Thomas stares at Gilbert for a bit, before his eyes slide over to Alexander. “Alexander…” he starts, and Alexander is there, nodding profusely. 

 

“I got him, I promise,” he says, and the little one squeezes Gilbert’s hand. Gilbert closes his eyes for a moment. Thomas can’t breathe and still worrying about him. His brother, it’s too much sometimes. He opens his eyes again in time to hear Thomas emit a weak sigh. Then he watches as his eyes turns back to John, nodding his head as John starts to coach him, telling him to take a deep breath, wincing when it hurts, but he does it. Then they start counting. Forwards, backwards, the whole time staring into each other’s eyes, and Gilbert’s just watching them, letting Alexander hold his hand, leaning slightly against him. 

 

Gilbert can feel Alexander following John’s instructions, and he squeezes his hand. 

 

“Are you alright, little one?” Gilbert whispers, glancing at Alexander, who gulps. 

 

“He hit his head,” he says, fear in his voice, and Gilbert’s eyes widen because he definitely forgot, and oh god, is Thomas going to be alright--

 

“I’ll check his head, don’t worry,” John says, not even turning to both of them, just focusing on Thomas. Soon, Thomas is breathing better, and his hand uncurls from his shirt under Gilbert’s, and he’s intertwining their fingers together. John sits back. 

 

“Better?” he asks softly, and Thomas nods with a wince. John smiles, reaching for his head now. “Head hurts?” 

 

“Just a throb,” he whispers, leaning his head towards Gilbert’s, and John’s kneeling up, gentle hands in Thomas’ hair. 

 

“Just a bump, cold cloth against it would help,” he starts, and Gilbert feels Alexander let go of his hand, and there’s a quick scrambling sound to the bathroom. He looks back to see him in there, and the sink’s on. John lets out a soft chuckle.

 

“Thanks Alexander.”

 

“I’m coming! I’m coming!” Alexander calls out from the bathroom, before he’s walking back to the bed, and he has wringed out towelette in his hand, giving it to Gilbert. 

 

“Cold,” Gilbert mutters as soon as it touches his skin, biting his lip. Tommy hates the cold, especially on his hands. “Tommy doesn’t like the cold,” he whispers, and looks up at John who gives him a small smile. 

 

“Just for a bit. Just so the swelling goes down,” John says, extending his hand for the cloth, and Tommy’s not saying a word, just blinking slowly. With a soft nod, he gives the cloth to John, who has his hands gently in Thomas’ hair again, parting the curls to get to the bump. 

 

“Deep breath,” he tells Tommy, then he’s pressing it against the bump, and Tommy jumps slightly on the bed, a groan escaping his lips. But John isn’t stopping, instead, he’s pressing harder, and Tommy tries to pull away. 

 

“Stop, stop, stop John!” he mutters, like he has no energy for anything else, his hand gripping Gilbert’s hand so tight. 

 

“John…” Gilbert moans out because Tommy’s letting out a tired sob as he continues whatever the hell he’s doing. “John stop it,” he whispers. Alexander’s at the foot of the bed now, looking at Thomas like he wants to go and hug him.

 

“It’ll get better in a moment,” John says, still continuing, and Tommy’s sniffling now, and he looks ready to sleep. Then, he relaxes, just a little, falling back on the pillows slightly, and this time, John lets him. He pulls the cloth away, and then he’s turning to Gilbert. 

 

“He can sleep if he wants, but we’re waking him up in an hour. We need him calm either way,” John explains, and Gilbert gulps, nodding. Then he looks down at his twin, and finds his eyes already closing. John sees and puts a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Hey, I’m going to have to do that your bump again, alright?” he whispers, and Tommy whimpers, but nods his head. Then Alexander’s on his side of the bed, helping him move, to settle properly. Mutters of “Thomas, it’s OK, you’re OK,” can be heard coming from the little one, and Gilbert is both happy and a little apprehensive. 

 

What had happened while they were in the bathroom? Why did Tommy had two panic attacks? Only Alexander knows, but Gilbert needs to know. He hears a soft sigh, and blinks, finds Alexander kissing his twin’s forehead. John’s eyes widen slightly, but he doesn’t say a word. Tommy gives a sleepy smile, eyes have closed, then curling up on his side, pulling Gilbert’s hand to his chest. 

 

Gilbert can feel his heart against his hand, and it’s so loud. 

 

“Tommy...please be OK,” he whimpers, curling up close, and Tommy sighs, free arm around his waist. 

 

“M’always OK Gibby,” Tommy says, eyes closing. Gilbert looks up at John, and they stare at each other for a moment. And then he nods to him, needing him to understand their promise. Tommy is definitely not ready for what John knows now. To his relief, John nods back in agreement, with him, and Gilbert relaxes for a moment. He knows John understands. They’re on the same page. Then he sees Alexander staring at him from behind Tommy, like he’s trying to figure him out, and he feels a sudden urge to protect inside of him. 

 

Protect his secret. Protect Tommy. Protect Tommy from his secret. He feels this fiercely, bubbling inside of him. 

 

Alexander’s eyes widen a moment and he takes a step back from the bed, but Gilbert finds that he doesn’t care, just pulls his twin close, and buries his face in his hair, closing his eyes. 

 

\---

 

Laf is glaring at him. Alexander takes a step back, gulping. 

 

He’s angry at him. Probably about Thomas. But then what was that look? Between Laf and John? He’s seen that before, on others. Others that didn’t want him to know something. Like his Mama and her friends before he found out his father walked out. Or like the adults after he woke up in the hospital and Mama was no longer at her side. Those are the looks of people hiding something, and now Laf is glaring at him. Is it about him? Did he do something wrong?

 

He turns to look at John, because John, John always has answers right. And Alexander’s heart drops when he finds him staring blankly. Suddenly he feels like his chest is going to cave in, and he takes a step towards the door. But where is he going to go? This is his room. 

 

Then John blinks, and he’s stepping forward Alexander. 

 

Not expecting it, Alexander flinches, and John frowns, before dropping his hand. Then he bites his lip, and Alexander can see that he’s thinking about something. Like he’s trying to form words to say something to him. 

 

_ Say something John. Please. _

 

When he doesn’t, Alexander gulps, feeling tears in his eyes. But he doesn't let them fall. He can't.

 

“What did I do?” he whispers, unable to help it. Clearly he did something wrong. 

 

“Nothing,” John says immediately, walking towards him again, and Alexander responds by going closer to the door, shaking his head. John stops, looking at him, reaching out. 

 

“Alexander, please. You didn’t do anything wrong, alright?”

 

“Then what was that? Between you and Laf?” he hisses, because he can’t stop himself. He can hear Martha in his head, telling him to calm down, to not pick fights. “You’re hiding something,” he adds, and John looks down guiltily, and he knows he’s right. 

 

“That’s between me and Laf right now, Alexander,” he says, and Alexander doesn’t expect it. So much so that when tears come to his eyes, he doesn't stop them. What happened to it being the four of them? Are they keeping secrets now? John looks like realizes how his words sounded as soon as they come out because his eyes widen, and he’s walking towards Alexander know, trying to grab him. He avoids him, falling against the door, the door knob digging against his back. He wants Pa, but he's so far away.

 

“That came out--that’s not. Alexander, just please listen,” John starts, and Alexander shakes his head. This was all too good to be true. 

 

“Look after them. I have to go,” he whispers, before he’s scrambling to get out of the room, and then he’s running down the hall with nowhere to go. 

 

Alexander is willing to be there for everyone. He promised Thomas. This doesn't change anything, even if it doesn't go both ways and he’s alone.

 

It's nothing new.


	11. a little help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's some reflection, some talks and some hard revelations. And a little help from some friends.

When Alexander runs out of the room, John bites his lip hard enough that it bleeds to stop himself from calling out. 

 

Then he takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes. 

 

_ You know, if you knew what you were doing, this wouldn’t be happening? _

 

He flinches hard, and gasps, before opening his eyes, barely containing a growl. His hands clench into fists and he takes another deep breath. He goes to sit on the free bed, sitting down on it heavily, and closing his eyes. “No, I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m enough. I am enough. What I do is enough,” he whispers, taking deep, solid breaths. His voice is soft enough, low enough, that he’s confident that the twins won’t awake. 

 

When he opens his eyes again and still finds them asleep, John feels a small surge of satisfaction. 

 

Then he reaches behind him and takes his hair out of the ponytail, and lays down on the bed, his bed, and stares up at the ceiling.

 

There’s so much happening. 

 

He never expected to share what had happened to him with anyone, let alone with someone who he has only known for two days. Two freaking days and Laf knows exactly what had happened to him. Not that he regrets sharing what happened, but it’s just shocking. 

 

John’s just pretty much shock with how he’s reacting to everything that’s happening to him. To everyone.

 

Thomas had turned him off at the beginning when he just freaked out when he had pushed Alexander against the wall of the elevator. He hates violence. Absolutely hates it. But at the same time, he has no fear in imposing it on people, if need be.

 

Or if he loses it.

 

He doesn’t want that happening ever again, if he can help it. 

 

But then again, Charles Lee.

 

He wouldn’t mind punching him. Or beating him. The idea of him touching anyone. Touching Laf, especially after what the twin had just shared with him.

 

Yeah. There’s no way Charles Lee would ever come out unscathed if John’s ever given a chance.

 

_ Such a violent child, no wonder. _

 

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” he whispers under his breath, closing his eyes again. “I am enough. I am enough.” 

 

He is enough.

 

Right?

 

Yes.

 

He will be enough. For Laf. For Thomas.

 

For Alexander.

 

Oh Alexander.

 

_ Your freckles...they’re like constellations. Beautiful. _

 

“Fuck,” he whispers, tears coming to his eyes when he remembers the look on his roommate’s face. How he looked ready to cry after what he said, just before he went running out of the room. Poor Alexander couldn’t even get to his own bed. And all he wanted to do was help. And now he’s gone and he’s ran and oh god where was he? Doesn't he need to take his medicine soon? Is he alright?

 

John groans, running his hands through his hair, and sighing. He itched to leave, but Alexander did tell him to stay and look after the twins. Finally, he sits up and looks over to the twins.

 

Still asleep. Good. Though Thomas is frowning, and Laf looks like he’s crying in his sleep. John swings his legs off the bed and stands, walking over.

 

Gently, he reaches over and moves Thomas’ glasses to the nightstand, having been left on the bed during the whole icing commotion. Then he pulls the blanket from under Laf’s legs and gently drapes it over the both of them. It doesn’t wake either of them, and John is both worried and glad.

 

When was the last time the twins got proper rest? 

 

He stares at them for a good moment, just taking it all in. Two days ago, they weren’t in his life. Two days ago, he didn’t have the knowledge of a past involving the abuse, the torture really, of a child. Two days ago, he didn’t know anyone other than himself who would do anything to protect their siblings from everything, regardless of the consequences.  Two days ago, he didn’t believe at falling head first in whatever he was feeling for Alexander. 

 

And yet here he was. 

 

John sighs, pulling out his phone from his jean pocket, scrolling through his contacts. 

 

Alexander Hamilton Washington.

 

With a deep breath, he presses call, and brings the phone to his ear. 

 

Three rings, and then--

 

“Hi! This is Alexander! I’m not here right now, but make sure you let me know who you are and how to contact you and I swear I will get to it as soon as possible! Thank you for calling, and I hope you have a wonder---” 

 

_ Beep _ .

 

“Alexander,” he whispers, looking at the wall across from him, blinking rapidly. “Please, when you get this, um,” he gulps, sniffling. “Come home. Please.”

 

\---

 

When Eliza finally gets to the office, she smiles softly when she finds the blanket, and then the note from John Laurens. After taking her time that morning and packing her bags for tonight, she needed something to make her smile even just for a little bit. She grabs the note, and pockets it, before picking up the blanket and pulling out the keys for the office. 

 

Opening the door, she puts blanket on the small couch, and then looks for the binder that has the list of students and their rooms. She takes note of where John and his crew are, before making their way there. Funnily enough, Alexander and John were one of the closest to the elevators while the twins’ were the furthest away. 

 

When she gets to John and Alexander’s room, she gently knocks on the door. It takes a couple of moments, but then she hears soft shuffling, before the door opens. 

 

“Ms Eliza?” John asks, unsurely, and Eliza spares a moment to take him in, frowning deeper. His eyes were red, and his cheeks were flushed. There are tear tracks on his face, and he looks absolutely worried. 

 

“What’s wrong?” she asks softly, and John blinks, before biting his lip. Then he looks back in the room, opening it slightly.Eliza turns her head slightly to peek in.

 

Oh. 

 

The twins were in one of the beds, One of them was laying on his back, frowning in his sleep, and the other was curled around him from side, back to the door. Eliza can only assume they’re sleeping as well. Then John steps into the hallway and closes the door behind him. That’s when Eliza realizes something, or someone was missing. 

 

“Where’s Alexander?” she asks, just as John asks, “Have you seen Alexander?” 

 

John blinks, biting his lip with a sigh, looking down at his phone, before looking back up at her. “The twins, they uh…” he starts, before biting his lip. Eliza knows he’s trying to figure out what he should share what what he shouldn’t. 

 

“Whatever you’re comfortable telling me is enough,” she says, voice soft, looking into his eyes. It’s obvious that whatever is wrong, it affected them all, not just the twins, and not just Alexander, but John as well. 

 

“It’s not really my story to say…” John starts, gulping slightly. “But it all started because of that prick. Charles Lee?” he says, and Eliza’s breath hitches and her eyes narrow. 

 

“What did he do?” her voice down to a hiss now. Charles Lee is a deplorable human being and she’ll do anything to make sure he doesn’t touch any of her students. 

 

John deflates, and Eliza have expects him to fall over, so she puts a hand on his elbow, pulling him away from the door and leaning him against the wall. “I can’t leave,” he moans out. “I gotta check on Thomas in thirty…” he starts, and Eliza nods, making note. 

 

“We won’t, let’s just sit against the wall OK?” she asks, and John nods, sliding down, and Eliza sits beside him, looking at him carefully.

 

“Talk to me. What did Lee do?” she asks, and John gulps. 

 

“After you and Ms Angelica left,” he starts, looking down at his phone, checking for the time, or a message, before looking back up at her. “He passed by the blanket while the twins were asleep and called them twincest freaks,” he whispers, voice so small, but Eliza heard all of it. Her eyes harden, and she nods for John to continue, not saying a word even though she feels her blood boil inside of her.

 

“Hercules...and James?” John says tentatively, and Eliza nods to confirm that those were her friend’s names, “They told us who he is...how he’s in his final year like Ms Angelica, and what he does every year. How we hurt other students. What they did to one of them last year,” he whispers, and Eliza tries not to sigh. Hercules and John’s words were definitely a great deal of worry for John, and it definitely doesn’t help the situation. 

 

“Are they all true?” John asks her, and she bites her lip, before choosing her words carefully. 

 

“They’re not...unfounded,” she says, and John sniffles, nodding. Then there’s a pause, before he continues. 

 

“He scared me too. Freaked me out because he was looking at the twins all...odd. So I worried about it, because who says that? The twins didn’t hear at the time, so that was good, but Alexander got worried too, and we promised each other that we’d be there for one another and--” he stops, eyes widening slightly, looking at his phone. 

 

“We’ll find Alexander soon,” she says, and John blinks, before relaxing even a tinge. “Is there anything else?” she whispers, and John nods. 

 

“This morning happened. We were having a good day, and just lounging at the courtyard and I don’t know, Lee found us? And the twins saw right through him. He tried addressing Thomas first who basically told him to fuck off, then he switched gears and he saw Laf, and how Laf is,” John says, trailing off, looking up at Eliza, eyes begging slightly for her to understand. 

 

And if there’s anyone that Eliza understands out of the four of them, it’s Lafayette. She nods softly, and reaches for his hand, squeezing it. When John squeezes back and doesn’t pull away, she knows she did the right thing, waiting for him to continue. 

 

“He basically...he leered on Laf until it got a reaction from both of them. Thomas wanted to jump him but I stopped him, and Laf...Laf got so scared. Alexander held him while I stopped Thomas from beating Lee in the middle of campus,” John says, closing his eyes. And before he walked away he basically told Thomas to watch his back, and that he always gets what he wants.”

 

“He threatened them,” Eliza whispers, her heart freezing in her chest. John bites his lip.

 

“Yeah...I’m really worried for Laf. I think Lee knows that the way to get to Thomas is through Laf,” he says. Then he sighs, sniffling, and Eliza can see that he’s really trying to hold it together. “One thing led to another, and now I’m here, and Alexander’s gone, and you’re holding my hand.” 

 

“It’s fine,” Eliza says automatically, squeezing it. “Everyone needs help, you know? You can’t be the only one.” And whatever happened, she’s not going to force John to tell her.

 

John freezes at that, and he gulps, looking at her. “M’sorry I snapped at you during roll-call,” he whispers, and Eliza turns to him, nodding gently.

 

“Already forgiven. You know, I get it. To want to protect someone so fiercely like that,” she says, and John gives her a small smile back. 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

Eliza squeezes his hand again, nodding. 

 

“Yeah, short-stuff,” she says, and when John lets out a soft chuckle, she gives him a small smile back. Then she turns to him seriously, looking into his eyes. 

 

“Thank you for telling me, John,” she whispers, and John gulps. “You’ll help us?” he whispers, and Eliza nods softly. 

 

“Of course.”

 

\---

 

Alexander ran. 

 

Blindly. 

 

He took all the flights of stairs in front of him. By the time he got to the third floor he was winded, eyes blurry from tears, shivering and scared. He sits heavily on the landing, away from the door to the floor in case it opens, not wanting to get hit. He curls up against the corner, hugs his legs to his chest and just cries. It’s pretty dark in there, and quite cool, the only source of light the dimming fluorescent on the ceiling, and the light coming from the small window above him. The faint noises echoed from the outside, and he takes a deep breath, trying to calm down.

 

He knows he’s wrong. Alexander knows he shouldn’t have reacted so strongly about John keeping something from him. What right does he have? Absolutely none. He has no right to get mad at John for doing what he wanted to do. It’s not his place. They’re roommates only, after all, and it’s really only just been two days. 

 

Alexander knows all this logically, so why the pain? Why does his heart feel like it’s trying to jump out of his chest? He feels so strongly already, not just about John but about the twins as well. For Thomas and even for Laf, he just wants them to be alright. He can’t imagine the pain that Laf went through, and that’s coming from someone who hasn’t really had the best life. He still counts himself lucky to have found the Washingtons. 

 

With a sniffle, he takes his phone out of his pocket and finds two messages from his Pa.

 

_ George: That’s wonderful, son. _

 

_ George: I am sure Martha would love to hear all about it. _

 

Biting his lip, Alexander itches to change their names in his phone. When he had first put their numbers in, he just put their first names. But he had started calling them Ma and Pa just recently, and very rarely to their faces. The last time was when he was dropped off college, hugging them both closely, and earning kisses from them both. He remembers warmth of their embrace and finds himself sobbing softly at the memory. 

 

He felt so loved at that moment, and wished that they were here right now. 

 

Alexander wants nothing more but to call his Pa right now, but then the door leading the floor opens, and out comes James Madison. He drops his phone in shock, eyes widening.

 

“Kid?” James asks, frowning, and then he’s walking towards Alexander who scrambles away, only to be grabbed by his arm. 

 

“Let me go,” he whimpers, breath hitching, starting to struggle. Then James shakes his head, pulling him. 

 

“Kid, you’re going to fall down the stairs,” James says, voice urgent, nodding behind Alexander, who blinks, before glancing back. Two more scoots and he would’ve dropped down the stairs. He gasps and James is pulling him again, away from the stairs and towards the wall.

 

“What are you doing here? Why are you crying? Is everything alright?” James asks, making sure that Alexander’s leaning against the wall, before kneeling in front of him. Alexander gulps, trying not to curl up and away from James because he’s being very nice and Alexander shouldn’t be scared of him.

 

So he tries to calm himself down, taking in a deep breath only to have it hitch, and he whimpers, grabbing his chest, his other hand scrambling for his pocket. His chest hurts, and it feels tight and he can’t breathe.

 

James watches him, before blinking, and then he’s gently putting a hand on Alexander’s shoulder.

 

“Inhaler?’ he asks, and Alexander nods frantically, trying to take in breath, and pointing at his pocket. James goes, and helps him take out everything in it, James whistling when he sees. 

 

“OK damn. Which one?” he asks, still gentle, and Alexander grabs the blue one, shaking it and taking it in his mouth before pressing out a pump, inhaling. He takes another pump, and then slowly, it feels like his lungs are opening up and he’s so exhausted. 

 

“Kid? You okay?” 

 

“M’name’s Alexander,” he grumbles out, looking up at James who laughs softly. He glares in return. 

 

“Sorry. Alexander Hamilton. Of course I remember you,” he says, before he’s moving so he’s sitting on the stair beside Alexander, and it takes him a couple of seconds to realize he’s doing it to make sure that he doesn’t fall down the stairs. He gives James the side-eye, who catches it and lets out another soft chuckle. 

 

“Look, I don’t want to be the one to tell people that the senator’s son fell down the stairs under my watch, OK?” he says, and Alexander hmphs, crossing his arms, and sniffling. 

 

Then, Alexander pulls his legs up to his chest and curls up, wrapping his arms around his legs. He tries not to think about what happened, and tries to calm down and not be so upset. It’s not John’s fault. Not Thomas’ fault. Not Laf’s fault. He just wants them all OK, and he wants to help. But if there are secrets...how is he supposed to do that? 

 

God, and Thomas’ has been feeling this for the past two years? Shit. 

 

“Penny for your thoughts, Alexander?” 

 

He blinks, and looks at James, who gives him a soft smile, half facing him. “I hear your gears working from here, and I think there’s smoke coming out of your ears,” he jokes, and Alexander snorts. Then he sighs, leaning back against the wall. 

 

“I tried looking for you, or your cousin, or the Schyuler sisters this morning,” he says, and Alexander’s not really sure why he’s telling him that. He glances at him and finds James looking at him, eyes widening just the slightest, before looking towards the wall in front of them.

 

“Sorry...something came up in the morning. Angelica’s in meetings all day, and Hercules is in the city with his part-time job,” James says, voice soft. Alexander doesn’t miss the fact that he doesn’t mention Eliza at all, but he’s not pushing it. What’s another secret really?

 

Then James turns to him again, and Alexander blinks, frowning. James lets out a soft chuckle, raising an eyebrow. 

 

“Well, why were you looking for me?” he asks, and Alexander blinks. Oh right. 

 

He shrugs, minutely, before looking down at his knees, hugging his legs tighter. 

 

“Charles Lee.”

 

Suddenly, James is on his knee beside him, looking over him, his face etched with concern. Alexander gulps. 

 

“Are you alright? Did he hurt you?” he asks, and Alexander blinks, before shaking his head.

 

“No, no. Not me. He um...he met the twins. He said things and I think he’s going to do something to Thomas, or to Laf, and Laf wasn’t OK with it. He’s actually, I--” he stops, pausing to take a deep breath, wincing when he feels a pull in his chest. “Laf’s not...he’s not OK. And one thing led to another and I just...um…” he stops, not wanting to say anything more because that’s not fair. 

 

James stares at him, before his eyes soften slightly nodding. “Lee didn’t hurt you?” he asks again, and Alexander shakes his head.

 

“Will you tell me if he ever does anything to hurt you?” James continues, and Alexander blinks, biting his lip. 

 

“He told Thomas to watch his back,” he says, and James’ eyes narrow, nodding. Alexander can see that his jaw is set hard, and he bites his lip. 

 

“I don’t want him to hurt them,” Alexander whispers, unable to help it. He wants good things for John, Thomas and Laf. Especially after everything he’s learned about the twins, and what he can get from just how John is as a person, he knows that no one else in the world deserves it more than them. 

 

James sighs, and then he’s helping Alexander stand up, putting an arm around his shoulders. Alexander flinches, but doesn’t pull away, looking up at him. 

 

“We’ll look after them. Now let’s get you back to your room,” he says, and Alexander gulps, looking down, but doesn’t protest. 

 

“They’re probably worried about you. Especially John. He’s probably looking for you,” James says, and Alexander bites his lip, shrugging. 

 

He’s not really sure about that, but he can’t help but hope.

 

\---

 

“Ms Schyuler, I’m sorry, I have to check on Thomas.”

 

Thomas frowns, slowly coming out of sleep, eyes opening with difficulty. Who was talking?

 

“John, just call me Eliza.” Oh John. To Eliza. Eliza?

 

“OK, Ms Eliza. Thank you, for everything.” 

 

“Oh, John. My sister will be here later, alright? I’m leaving for the weekend, but--” 

 

“Yes, I have it. Thank you.” 

 

“You’re welcome, please take care.”

 

He hears the soft squeak of the door opening further before it closes, and Thomas whimpers, the sound grating. Then he turns his head towards it, trying to open his eyes further.

 

“John?” he croaks out, everything blurry. 

 

He hears footsteps and suddenly, John’s in front of him, looking worried, which makes Thomas frown more. 

 

“What’s wrong, John?” he asks, blinking his eyes to try and clear his vision. Why was everything so blurry? 

 

“Hold on,” John whispers in reply, and then he’s moving away. A few seconds later, he’s back, and touching Thomas’ face, slipping something behind his ears. Oh.

 

“My glasses,” he mutters, and John chuckles softly, nodding. 

 

“Yeah, here, just give me a second,” his friend whispers, adjusting his glasses for him, making sure none of his curls are caught. “There. Can you see?” he asks, and Thomas nods softly, looking at him straight now. Yeah, now it’s definitely clear that something was wrong. 

 

“John? What’s wrong?” he asks softly, shifting, before looking down and finding Gibby wrapped around him, still asleep. He bites his lip, and looks back at John again. “Please, tell me?” he asks, lowering his voice, not wanting to wake up his twin. 

 

John’s eyes widen for a moment, and then Thomas sees him look down at Gibby, before shaking his head, giving Thomas a small smile. “Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine,” he says, and Thomas frowns, raising an eyebrow. 

 

“John,” he starts, but John shakes his head, stepping back from the bed now, and Thomas sees his hand clenching into a fist at his side.

 

“Thomas, please. Just...let me take care of your head,” he whispers, avoiding Thomas’ gaze, and isn’t that shitty. Thomas makes a soft sound, but complies, nodding minutely. John moves away from the bed to go grab a fresh cloth from the bathroom. He comes back out, and Thomas really wanted to not deal with the whole thing.

 

“My head’s fine, I don’t need it,” he whispers, and John shakes his head, walking closer, gentle hands already parting his curls. 

 

“Sorry, but I have to do it,” John replies, and Thomas bites his lip hard, jumping slightly when he feels the coolness of the towel pressing against the bump, hissing when John applies pressure on it. He really hates the cold so much. 

 

Thankfully, it doesn’t take as long as Thomas anticipated, and John is pulling his hand away, allowing him to slump against the bed, shifting slightly, but making sure to not jar his twin awake. As John disappears in the bathroom, he looks around, realizing something. 

 

“Where’s Alexander?” he asks, and Thomas hears John pause whatever he’s doing in the bathroom. “OK, John, what the hell is going on,” he says, and John sighs, before coming out of the bathroom again.

 

“Nothing, Thomas. Everything’s fine,” he whispers, and Thomas narrows his eyes, jaw hardening. 

 

“Are you lying to me?” he asks, voice flat, trying to keep calm. He doesn’t like this kind of bullshit. Actually, it’s his most hated kind. 

 

John stares at him for a moment before Thomas catches him slide his eyes over to his twin, and Thomas’ heart drops. Oh. 

 

Whatever it is, it involves Gibby, and he can’t have that. Gently, he pulls away from Gibby, making sure that he doesn’t wake him, and gets out of the bed. He’s a little shaky, and John’s walking towards him, grabbing his hand, and he shakes his head, walking to the door, motioning for him to follow. 

 

He exits to the hall, frowning at how bright it is in comparison to the room, but is happy to see that it’s completely empty. He shuts the door, and looks at John.

 

“John, I swear to god--” he starts, and John in front of him, holding his hand tight in his own, and that’s when Thomas’ sees what state he’s actually in.

 

John’s eyes are red-rimmed and brimming with tears, and he looks like the weight of the world is on his shoulders. He’s pale, so the freckles on his cheeks are standing starker than ever, and it looks wrong. It looks so wrong.

 

“Please Thomas,” John says, squeezing Thomas’ hand, his voice choked. “Please. I can’t. I promised, please.” His voice is down to a whisper, and Thomas knows it’s because of Gibby. He feels his heart drop a little, tears coming to his eyes at the very idea that his twin is trusting someone else with something as big as a secret. Is that it?

 

“Gibby asked you to keep something from me?” he whispers, needing to know. John gulps, and nods his head slowly, squeezing his hand. Fuck, well that definitely stings. He whimpers, nodding, tears streaming down his face now. This new information is pulling him in different directions.

 

It hurts. It’s also liberating? Because now Gibby has someone other than himself he feels comfortable enough to talk to? But what if Gibby finally walks away from him? Finds someone else better? Thomas’ whole purpose has been Gibby, and honestly, he doesn’t know what he’ll do when the day comes and Gibby doesn’t need him anymore. He whimpers, looking down, before taking a deep breath, tears continuously streaming down his cheeks. 

 

“At least tell me it won’t get him hurt,” he croaks out, and he knows that he’s shaking now. John, thankfully, immediately starts shaking his head. 

 

“No, no. I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t promise that,” he says, and as Thomas looks up at him, sees the look on his face, he knows that John feels bad about the whole thing, and that he can trust him on this. Maybe? Possibly. “I would never do anything that might endanger any of us,” John adds, and Thomas nods, sniffling. 

 

“Please…” he starts, and John nods again, and this time, he feels himself being pulled into a hug. 

 

“Your brother loves you. He just doesn’t want you to worry. But everything’s alright,” he says, and Thomas whimpers, holding him back now, arms tight around his waist. 

 

“Let me help. Let us help,” John whispers, and then Thomas blinks, remembering.

 

“Alexander. Where’s Alexander?” he asks, pulling away. Because Alexander’s not alright, and why was he not there? What happened after he bumped his head? And why was John avoiding the subject? John’s eyes widen a moment, then his eyes flicker over Thomas’ shoulder, and gulps. With a frown, Thomas turns around and finds Alexander standing there, with James Madison at his side. 

 

Alexander stares at them for a moment, before turning to James. “Thanks,” he whispers, before looking down and making his way to the door, entering the room without another word to any of them. 

 

Thomas frowns, and looks at John, who runs a hand through his hair, a small whimper coming from him. What the fuck?

 

“Found him on the third floor stairs,” James says, and Thomas turns to him. The guy’s staring at them, one hand behind his back, walking closer. “Sobbing on the landing. Nearly fell down the stairs. You know he has inhalers right?” he asks, and Thomas slumps. 

 

“We do now,” he whispers, and John bites his lip. 

 

“He’s supposed to show me when he got home,” he says, and James lets out a soft chuckle, motioning to the door. 

 

“Well? He’s home now,” he says, and Thomas gives him a look, blinking when James just winks at him. He frowns, but then nods, quite unsurely, before looking at John. He can't think about that right now.

 

“Let’s go,” he says to John instead, motioning for him to go inside, before giving James one last look. “Thank you.” 

 

James smiles softly, saluting half-heartedly. “I’ll see you later, Thomas.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you for your patience. This took awhile for a number of reasons: 
> 
> 1) I want to make sure that I'm delivering something that I am happy with. As I previously mentioned before, most of the time I have multiple versions of a chapter before it comes out. Due to the nature of the story, this is going to be more frequent. 
> 
> 2) The subject is heavy, and I take pride in making sure that I remember that every step of the way. I want it to be as authentic and genuine as possible. Yes it's hurt, yes it's angst, but these experiences, while fiction to these characters can be very real to some, and I always want to make sure that I do it justice.
> 
> 3) My heart always knows where it goes, but my brain wants to make sure that it gets there properly. So it took longer because of that. 
> 
> Either way, I hope you enjoyed this next chapter, and I am looking forward to this journey with you as I continue with this story.


	12. it goes both ways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander and John have a much needed conversation. Laf voices his concerns, and Thomas is still convinced he's alright.

When John enters the room he finds Alexander just standing in front of his bed, where Laf is still curled up and asleep. He gulps, biting his lip, “Alexander, if you want, you can nap on my be--” he starts, but stops, when Alexander shakes his head. John feels Thomas behind him, not saying a word, and he knows that he’s watching Alexander as well.

 

Slowly, Alexander takes a deep breath and turns to face them, biting his lip. He looks scared, and John hates the idea that he put it there. 

 

“Are you dying?” Alexander asks all of a sudden, looking up with tears in his eyes. John freezes, and Thomas’ breath hitches beside him.

 

“What?” Thomas gasps, and he’s staring at John now too, but John’s focus is on Alexander, who’s starting to shake.

 

“Is Laf? Or am I leaving? Is that the secret?” Alexander continues, his voice coming out gasping, and squeaky, and oh god. John shakes his head, walking over to him and grabbing him in his arms, pulling him close. 

 

“No Alexander!” he says firmly, squeezing him. “No one is dying. No one is leaving. That’s not it. Don’t worry about that,” he says, and Thomas is there as well, and he’s standing on Alexander’s other side, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

 

“Why don’t we sit you down, you’re shaking,” he says, and Alexander nods against John’s shoulder, then he’s pulling away. Thomas walks to the bed first, pulls the covers back, and John sits Alexander down as soon as Thomas’ backs away. Alexander gets in the bed, laying down on his side and curling up, and John sits beside him, Thomas sitting on the other bed with Laf, his hand on his twin’s. Alexander’s staring at Laf, avoiding both of their eyes.

 

“That’s not what we’re hiding. I just...I promised Laf,” John whispers softly, looking down at Alexander, gently stroking his hair. When Alexander doesn’t flinch, he counts it as a victory. “I promise it’s not going to get us hurt. If it did, I would...I would have not done it,” he whispers, and Alexander sniffles, wiping away at his own cheeks. 

 

“Thomas knows you’re hiding something about Laf?” Alexander whispers, and Thomas nods from where he is, just as John looks up at him. 

 

“Yeah...and I’m not happy about it. But he promised me that Gibby won’t get hurt,” Thomas says, voice soft. Alexander nods, and then he’s looking up at John, eyes wide and still teary. 

 

“Are you going to get hurt?” Alexander asks, and John smiles sadly, before leaning in and kissing his forehead. 

 

“Not with this secret, no,” he replies, and Alexander stares for a moment, before nodding, sniffling again. Then he’s turning to his side, and this time, he’s looking at Thomas, who gives him a small nod.

 

“Why did you ask that, Alexander?” Thomas says, slowly. “Why did you ask if John and G--Gibby a--” he chokes, and John feels awful. The very idea of Laf dying is so painful for Thomas, he can’t even say it. Thomas doesn’t continue, just looks down, and squeezes his twin’s hand 

 

“And why did you ask if you’re leaving,” John continues for him, and Alexander sighs, biting his lip. Then he doesn’t say anything for a good couple of minutes, John just stroking his hair, and Thomas just watching him, his thumb stroking his twin’s hand, Laf still completely asleep.

 

“When my father left me and my mom, they kept it a secret from me until I realized for myself he was never coming back,” Alexander says, voice small and soft, eyes now trained on Laf’s sleeping face. Then he takes a shaky breath, and tears are in his eyes again, and he’s wiping at it angrily, sniffling.

 

“Then when Mama and I got sick...I...she was holding me? That’s the last thing I remembered and when I woke up, and they kept trying to convince me she was fine. But I knew...I just knew. I ended up being right. When they found us, she was already dead, but she was still holding me,” Alexander continues, and John feels like he’s going to throw up. 

 

“Jesus, Alexander,” Thomas whispers, and Alexander sniffles, laughing bitterly. 

 

“Then the storm came, you know Thomas,” he says, and Thomas nods, but John frowns because he doesn’t know. What happened during the storm? Thomas bites his lip, looking at John. 

 

“St Croix. That’s where he’s from,” he whispers, and John blinks, before his eyes widen. He remembers St Croix. He remembers how bad that became, how so many people died. 

 

“I couldn’t seem to die,” Alexander whispers, and John lets out a soft sob, unable to help it. He shifts, his free hand that’s not stroking Alexander’s hair reaching for one of Alexander’s, glad when he’s met halfway and he’s squeezing it gently. 

 

“When they found me in the water, they...they put me in that program, but no one told me. I didn’t know. I didn’t know until the Washingtons came to get me,” he whispers. “I don’t do well when people hide things from me. I lose control, and It’s either people are dying, or leaving or I’m leaving. I need to not lose control, I can’t,” Alexander whispers, closing his eyes. 

 

John squeezes his hand tighter, biting his lip when Alexander moves, pulling his hand away. 

 

“I can’t...I don’t want anything like that happening again,” he says, and he’s curling up tighter, hands to his chest. “And I don’t want you mad at me, or Thomas or L--Laf...Laf looked angry and I don’t know what I did…” he trails off, hiding his face now under his arms, and sobbing into them.

 

“Alexander please…” John starts, but then he hears shifting and looks up to find Laf sitting up, staring at them Alexander, Thomas looking at his twin worriedly, because Laf’s face is blank. 

 

Then he’s getting off the bed and walking over, before sitting down in front of the bed so he can put his chin right in front of Alexander’s face. 

 

“Little one?” Laf whispers, voice a croak, and broken, and yeah that definitely makes sense, because he spent the whole day crying and screaming. 

 

Alexander’s eyes shoot open and he gasps when he sees Laf right there, whimpering. 

 

“D--Did I make you mad?” Alexander asks softly, and John’s so thankful when Laf shakes his head immediately. 

 

“Non,” he says, and John glances at Thomas who’s just staring at Alexander and Laf now. Then John looks back at Alexander, and finds Laf reaching over and wiping away his tears. 

 

“Non, I’m not mad at you,” he whispers, biting his lip. “But I would like to keep my secret for now, please? John is helping me carry it.” 

 

John feels his heart pull in his chest at his words, and he sees Thomas slump slightly on the bed. 

 

“I can help too,” Alexander says immediately, closing his eyes. “Your brother can help too. You know he loves you right? He’s scared because he doesn’t know what happened to you.” 

 

Laf nods softly, immediately again. “Tommy loves me. I know he does. But I don’t want him to know,” he whispers, and John feels like he’s eavesdropping on a conversation so intimate, so secret, that he shouldn’t be here. He looks up and finds Thomas wiping his eyes, looking down on the floor.

 

“Thank you for looking after Tommy,” Laf continues, stroking Alexander’s forehead now. “And I like your hair,” he says, and Alexander chokes out a soft laugh. His hair is still braided at the back and pulled in a high ponytail.

 

“Thomas did it,” he whispers, and Laf smiles. “I know. He is very good,” he says softly, before biting his lip. “Little one?”

 

“Yeah?” Alexander whispers, opening his eyes now, wide and staring into Laf’s. 

 

“Thank you for caring so. Please do not cry anymore,” he says, and Alexander gulps, sniffling.

 

“I want to help. I will help. Ma and Pa will help,” he says, and Laf looks confused at the moment, before nodding. 

 

“Thank you,” he whispers, before he’s pulling away, and then he’s looking at John. 

 

“Thank you,” he says again, and John nods softly, his hand back in Alexander’s hair, giving Laf a small smile. 

 

“You’re welcome,” he whispers, and Laf’s standing up, and then turning around to Thomas. Then he’s extending his hand, grabbing Thomas’ wrist, and pulling him up gently. 

 

“Gibby?” Thomas whispers, voice teary, and John sees Laf leaning in, and pressing a kiss on his twin’s forehead. 

 

“Let us go to our room for a little,” he says, and John bites his lip.

 

“I’ll grab you in an hour or so. Let’s get food,” he says, and Laf blinks, before looking down at them, nodding to Alexander.

 

John looks down and finds Alexander breathing deeply, and it’s clear he’s fallen asleep. 

 

“OK, two hours,” John says, and Laf stares at him for a moment, before nodding. 

 

“See you,” Thomas whispers, and he’s walking out with his twin, letting Laf pull him by the wrist. John watches as the door opens and closes behind him, before looking down at Alexander, and kissing his forehead, hoping everything pans out alright. 

 

\---

 

“Were you awake the whole time?”

 

Gilbert looks up sitting on his own bed now, pausing as he takes off his socks. Tommy’s standing by the mirror, rubbing at his face and putting his hair up his own hair in a bun. Then he’s kicking off his shoes and putting it beside Gilbert’s own that was by the door. 

 

“What do you mean?” Gilbert asks softly, and Thomas turns to him, raising an eyebrow. 

 

“How much did you hear of what Alexander was talking about?” he asks, and Gilbert blinks, frowning as he’s unable to read his tone. 

 

“Just that I was angry at him, and he was scared of what will happen,” he says, honestly, because it’s the truth. He woke up to Alexander crying about how he doesn’t want anyone mad at him. He didn’t hear anything else. He sighs softly, biting his lip.

 

“I glared at him while you were sleeping. I could tell he was trying to figure me out and I panicked,” he whispers, and Thomas walks over and sits across from him. 

 

“What? Figure out your secret?” he asks, and this time, Gilbert can read his tone. 

 

He’s angry.

 

“Don’t. I can’t, Tommy,” he whispers, looking down and clenching his fist. 

 

“Why? I can’t help you if I don’t know, Gibby,” Thomas says, and he sounds choked, so Gilbert looks up and finds his twin just staring at him, with wide eyes. It looks even wider since he’s wearing his glasses. 

 

“You can’t know,” Gilbert whispers because he promised that to himself. He can’t know. There’s no way that he will tell Tommy how everything started. It will break his twin’s heart, even more than how he has broken it already. 

 

“It’ll destroy you,” he adds, closing his eyes now. He remembers what happened the first night so vividly, even though it has been years. His nightmares constantly remind him exactly when it started. What he last said. How he begged. How he fell on his bed and screamed himself hoarse and no one helped him. No one came to his aid. How that night made all his fears come true. How it solidified how truly alone he was, and how he needed to be hurt so he can be good. 

 

All because he couldn’t accept the fact, refused to accept the fact, that his twin was not there for his birthday. 

 

Gilbert still thinks of what would’ve been different if he had not yelled at his father that night. If he had been good and not demanded for Tommy. Would it had been different?

 

Tommy can never know. Plus, his teacher...he’s out there somewhere. He had told Gilbert that if ever he ever tells Thomas, he will hurt Thomas exactly like he hurt him. And he can’t have that. Either way, those aren’t the only reason.

 

He isn’t the only one with secrets. 

 

Thomas lets out a soft whimper, and then he’s reaching for his hands, intertwining their fingers together, taking in a shaky breath. “But…”

 

“No Tommy,” Gilbert says, shaking his head, and looking at him. “You cannot know. Those four years are mine. And you want to know why?” 

 

Thomas blinks, looking at him, confused. And that’s when Gilbert knows that something is utterly broken. They may have spent the last two years together, trying to keep each other afloat, but they know nothing. Absolutely nothing.

 

“Why? What do you mean?” Thomas asks genuinely, and Gilbert shakes his head, squeezing his hands. 

 

“Because you are hiding something too. What happened to  _ you _ those four years that they took you away from me?” Gilbert says, and he watches as Thomas’ eyes widen, before he bites his lip, and looks down.

 

“I’m fine,” he says, and Gilbert laughs bitterly, leaning his head against his brother’s shoulder, closing his eyes. The fact that his twin was so quick to reassure him that he’s fine, just tells him that Tommy is far from it. With what had just happened, how he apparently had two panic attacks. How he clutched his chest in pain. How Alexander was the only one there for him. How John was the only one who could calm him down. Gibby had never witnessed any of these, but he knows that it’s been happening. Tommy had just been good at hiding it from him, even though he has witnessed all of Gilbert’s breakdowns. 

 

And that’s not how it’s supposed to go. So until Tommy realizes that...well. 

 

“I know I’m not fine, Tommy. I’m broken,” he says and Tommy makes a soft sound, letting go of his hands, and wrapping his arms around him. Gilbert sniffles and wraps his arms around his twin in return, sighing. “And you have been there for me the whole time, and I am thankful,” he continues, before taking a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut tighter.

 

“But when are you going to admit you’re not fine, either? When are you going to let  _ me _ help?” 

 

\---

 

When Alexander opens his eyes, he feels someone stroking his hair. He looks up and finds John smiling down at him, hand in his hair. 

 

“Hey, how are you feeling?” John asks softly, and Alexander bites his lip, turning so that he’s laying on his back, staring up at him. 

 

“I’m sorry I got upset,” he whispers, and smiles shyly when John reaches down to frame his face, stroking his cheek, and then leaning in to press a kiss on his forehead. 

 

“Don’t apologize. I’m sorry I didn’t know what to say,” John replies, as he pulls away and Alexander bites his lip.

 

“Are you going to be alright? Carrying it?” he asks, using the same words that Laf did, and John takes a deep breath. 

 

“Honestly?” John whispers, sitting back slightly, blinking. “It’s heavy, but I will be. I just...I just want everyone alright.”   
  


Alexander stares at him for a moment, before nodding, then staring at the ceiling, as he remembers what happened in the past couple of hours. Everything that Thomas had said to him, and how the whole thing basically told Alexander what he needed to know about his new friend: Thomas needs help. Just as much as his twin needs help.

 

“Is Thomas alright?” John asks, and Alexander wonders if he can read minds because that was freaky.

 

“Being alright is relative,” he says automatically, and John sighs, nodding softly. 

 

“So he probably thinks he’s fine, then.”

 

Alexander stares. It’s things like this that make him worry for John. From their first meeting till now, John’s just way too good at dealing with other people’s problems. From panic attacks, to calming someone down, to knowing exactly what to say, or how to respond. 

 

“Are you alright?” Alexander finds himself asking, and John blinks, biting his lip, then he looks away, looking around the room with sudden interest. 

 

“I wasn’t, at one point,” John says, and he’s taking Alexander’s hand and playing with it with both of his, splaying out his fingers, massaging the joints, looking anywhere but into Alexander’s eyes. “Laf told me his secret because I told him what had happened to me. And we both asked each other to keep it between us,” he says. 

 

“Oh,” Alexander whispers, but he doesn’t pull his hand away. He gets it, he thinks. 

 

“I told him because I want him to know that one day, he can be better than how he is now. Like how I am better now,” he says, then he’s finally looking into Alexander’s eyes. “Is that alright? You won’t be mad at me for not telling?” he asks, and Alexander bites his lip. 

 

Is he alright with it? 

 

“It’s your experience,” he starts, trying to form the right words. “And as much as I want to help, it’s yours to decide who knows your story,” he says softly, then he’s pulling John’s hands down, and kissing his knuckles, making John giggle softly. 

 

“Tickles,” he whispers, and Alexander smiles, shifting to make room on the bed, and John takes the hint, laying beside him now. “I’m lucky to have my foster parents now,” John continues, and Alexander smiles, nodding. At least he knows that John has them.

 

“Me too,” he says, taking a deep breath. Then he frowns, and John does as well, and he knows that he’s thinking about the twins. 

 

“We’ll help them. I swear, I promise, they won’t get hurt.” Alexander doesn’t want them hurt. That’s the last thing he wants, for sure. 

 

“I know…”

 

They lapse into silence again, and John takes a deep breath, reaching over to Alexander again, stroking his hair. 

 

“Hey Alexander?” 

 

“Hm?” 

 

“James said that you have puffers.”

 

Alexander freezes, eyes widening slightly. John gives him a small smile. “Can you show me? Please?”  Then he’s reaching for Alexander’s hand. 

 

“Please don’t worry, I got it under control,” Alexander says, turning a little on the bed to reach into his pocket and pull out everything he needed. Three inhalers and a pillbox later, he has it laid out in front of John and he’s sitting up. 

 

“OK, I know this one,” John says, pointing at the blue one. “That’s for wheezing, right? I remember my little sister used to have one.” Alexander nods softly, grabbing it.    
  


“Mhm, that’s right. It’s the first thing I grab, usually. It acts fast. This one,” he starts, grabbing the orange one now. “It’s supposed to be preventative. Makes my mouth feel gross after. If I feel like I’m getting sick, I’m supposed to take it,” he explains, laying it back on the bed. 

 

“Do you?” John asks, and Alexander shrugs, clutching it tighter.

 

“I’m usually too sick for it to work,” he replies, and John slumps slightly, biting his lip. Alexander looks down and grabs the purple one.

 

“This is a mixture of both. I use it as my last resort since it gives me really bad cramps, and I don’t like it. If I use it, it’s usually if it happens before sleep,” he says softly. 

 

“Will it stop an attack like the blue one?” John asks softly, and Alexander nods, remembering the last time it worked. He got worked up while talking to Pa, and collapsed in his office, and his Pa had helped him use it. The next day sucked though since he spent the whole day cramping up, he couldn’t even get out of bed. 

 

“I really don’t like it though. The cramps aren’t almost worth it,” he mutters, and John shakes his head. 

 

“It helps you breathe. The cramps we can deal with later,” John whispers, because he has an answer to everything and he’s so positive, and how does he do it? Alexander gulps, nodding softly, and watches as John grabs the pillbox now. 

 

“Um, I have anti-depressants to deal with my down phase. Helps with the anxiety too. The manic phase I can deal with on my own,” he says, quite fast, because Alexander’s not even comfortable talking to Pa and Ma about this diagnosis. It makes sense, a lot of sense really, but he doesn’t really like it. “It helps with my anxiety too,” he mutters softly, and John looks up at him, nodding softly. 

 

“What do you do during your manic phases?” he asks gently, and Alexander just stares at him.

 

“Are you real?” he asks, unable to help it, and John blinks, frowning slightly. Then he’s shifting forward, grabbing Alexander’s hand, and he frowns even deeper.

 

“Alexander? You’re shaking, are you alright?” he whispers, and Alexander blinks, and looks down, and wow, he is shaking. Huh. 

 

“You’re so good. You don’t even--are you, how can you be so accepting of this? I’m like...screwed up,” he chokes out, gulping. His Pa and Ma would be very angry at him for saying that about himself, but it’s true. It’s laid out in front of him, how constantly he has to be fixed to make sure he’s a functioning member of society. 

 

John blinks, and looks at Alexander, tilting his head. “Alexander, just because you have medication doesn’t mean you’re screwed up,” he says, smiling at him. “Is Laf screwed up because he takes his medication?”

 

“Of course not,” Alexander says incredulously, and then he blinks, and finds John smirking. “Shut up, you tricked me.” 

 

“I did not. It’s the same thing. Now, what do you do during your manic phases?” he asks, again, and Alexander sighs, squeezing his hand. 

 

“I work. I dive into it, and I write. I forget to take breaks,” he says, and John bites his lip, nodding. 

 

“How do you keep track of your medicine?” 

 

“My phone.”

 

“Is your phone always charged?” John asks gently, and Alexander bites his lip, before shaking his head. 

 

“Alexander…after you tell me the last one, can you show me what you have to take when? Please?” he says, and he’s pulling Alexander in his arms, and he can’t help but melt into it, leaning his head against his shoulder and sighing shakily. 

 

“I don’t want to worry you,” he says, and John laughs softly, gently, and he kisses Alexander’s temple. 

 

“I told Thomas that worry is a part of who I am. If you take that away from me, then I wouldn’t be me anymore. And it’s not worrying, it’s caring. So let me care,” John mutters against his temple, and Alexander laughs tearily, because yeah, there is no way this guy is for real. Like, what in the world? 

 

“Okay...I’ll let you know,” he whispers, and then grabs the pillbox again, showing him the last one. A small, obscure pill, but probably his most important one. At least that’s what Pa and Ma tell him. He never missed it since it was prescribed. 

 

“This is for my asthma too. I have it really bad, and probably will have it forever, so I need this to stabilize. It prevents me having an attack at night so I can get some sleep,” Alexander says, looking at the pill quite lazily. It prevents him from having an attack while he’s sleeping as well, but that’s quite rare so it’s not really worth mentioning. 

 

“That’s good,” John says, taking the pillbox. “Alright, so do you fill this up the night before?”  

 

“Part of my routine, mhm.” He has control over that. He likes that. 

 

“Good.”

 

John takes out his phone, and then opens up a notepad, showing Alexander what he’s doing. He’s listing everything down that Alexander said, in order. Then he grabs one of the inhalers and writes down the actual name of the medication next to the proper bullet. 

 

_ Blue - most important - for attack (Ventolin) _

_ Orange - preventative - when getting sick (Flovent) _

_ Purple - both - last resort b/c cramps (Seretide) _

 

“I’ll do the pills later when you’re filling them up,” John says, and Alexander blinks, looking at him. 

 

“I can just get them now,” he starts, but his friend is shaking his head, smiling at him.

 

“Don’t want to break your routine. It can wait.”

 

Alexander stares at him, before bringing up a hand and poking his cheek. Just blinks, looking down at his finger, going cross-eyed. 

 

“Alexander?” he asks unsurely, and Alexander blinks, poking him again.

 

“M’sorry,” he starts, smiling. “I’ve never seen a unicorn in real life before. Just want to make sure you’re real,” he says, and John laughs loudly, wrapping his arms around Alexander again, kissing his forehead. 

 

“It’s called being a friend,” John whispers, and Alexander smiles. 

 

Yeah, Ma’s definitely going to be happy to hear about this. 

 

\---

 

Thomas doesn’t really know what to say. Because he can’t remember the last time Gibby ever pointed out this whole thing between them wasn’t exactly a two-way street.

 

He does remember the first time though.

 

_ I’ll always take care of my brother! _

 

_ And I will take care of Tommy! _

 

“I had thought...it bore without saying that I care about what happened to you too,” Gibby whispers, and Thomas looks up, gulping.

 

It’s not that he doubted that, or didn’t believe it. It just never crossed his mind. Is that as bad?

 

“Yeah, it is,” Gibby says, and Thomas bites his lip.

 

“Said that outloud?” he gasps out, and Gibby sighs, nodding. 

 

“Yeah Tommy, you said that outloud,” Gibby whispers, then he’s whimpering and curling up, tears coming to his eyes. Thomas’ heart drops and he wraps his arms around him.

 

“Gibby, hey. Gibby, why are you crying?” he asks, kissing his forehead, trying to catch his gaze. “C’mon, please don’t cry…”

 

“Because I want to help! I want to help you, but you won’t let me!” Gibby screams and he’s clenching his fist, and Thomas know what’s going to happen. He holds onto his twin’s wrists and pulls them towards him. 

 

“I’m fine Gibby. I’m fine. I don’t need help, please,” he whispers, and Gibby just sobs, because he knows that Thomas is lying. He is lying. Somewhat. But at the same time, he isn’t.

 

What happened to him was different. Everything that happened to him was due to his choices. The choices he made landed him in the situations he put himself through those four years. Everything that went down, good, bad and oh so ugly, was due to his choices.

 

He did everything he could to get what he wanted. He worked. Yeah, that’s what it was. He worked. 

 

“I just worked,” he gasps out, wanting to stop Gibby from crying. Now he can’t say that Thomas never told him anything.

 

“Doing what?” Gibby asks, face in Thomas’ shoulder now, sniffling. 

 

Thomas closes his eyes, shaking his head. He doesn’t want to think about it. Doesn’t want to remember. 

 

“Lots of things,” he mutters, gulping. 

 

What happened to Gibby was different. He didn’t ask for it. He was trapped and hurt, and it was not his fault. 

 

Thomas knew what he was getting into. He needed the work. He needed to get out of there. So he can get to his brother.

 

So as long as it paid, and it paid well, he said yes to  _ everything _ . No matter what happened afterwards, he had to deal with it.

 

Because he said  _ yes _ .

  
And that’s what makes him different from his twin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading everyone. 
> 
> After the last chapter, I couldn't stop writing, so please, have another. I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> I also made a tumblr for this story: youcanttameourdemons.tumblr.com. 
> 
> I'll be posting any updates there, and please feel free to message me there as well. I had the great joy of talking to bookishhqueenn after she messaged me, and I found that conversing about the story made me write more. 
> 
> Thank you again for everyone's support.


	13. you don't need me now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hercules is back. Alexander finally talks to his parents, and it doesn't go as planned. Gilbert is left with his own thoughts, and makes a decision.

“Angelica…” 

 

“Eliza.”

 

Hercules blinks, staring at the two sisters that look like they’re trying to have a staring contest, but are somewhat failing it. Eliza bites her lip, and sighs, looking down. Angelica wins, like always. 

 

“I’m sorry I’m not very good--” she starts, and Angelica is shaking her head.

 

“You stop, Eliza,” she says, firmly, and Hercules finds himself standing straighter. He just got back from work, and found out from James that Eliza’s leaving for the weekend, and left him in charge of the floor, so Hercules is meant to help as well. Apparently.

 

Not that he minds, but man, he just got back from work! He’s quite hungry and he really needs some coffee. 

 

So now here he was, waiting for the car that’s going to pick up Eliza, and Angelica’s come down to see her off. 

 

“You’re very good. Too good. Your heart...you carry so much. Let me carry some, please? Take care of our baby sister,” Angelica continues, and Hercules bites her lip. Peggy. He can’t help but wonder how Peggy was doing after everything.

 

Maybe he can go visit soon too? He misses Peggy. He knows James does as well. 

 

“I will. Maybe she’ll be OK to Skype tonight?” Eliza says hopefully, and Angelica smiles back as well, but Hercules can see that it doesn’t reach her eyes. 

 

“We can hope,” she whispers, before kissing Eliza’s forehead again. Hercules smiles when Eliza pulls away and turns towards Hercules. 

 

“Come here,” Hercules says, spreading his arms open, and Eliza laughs, before going into his arms, and he wraps her tight in a hug, kissing her cheeks. 

 

“So tiny,” Hercules says, laughing softly, just as Eliza kisses his chin. 

 

“Love you Herc. I’m gonna tell Peggy you said hi,” she says, as they pull away. 

 

“James too. Maybe we can visit soon,” he says, and Eliza’s eye brighten at the idea, nodding. Before she can say anything though, a car’s pulling up and Hercules recognizes it as one of the Schyuler’s vehicles. He grabs Eliza’s luggages, and walks over to the car, shaking hands with the driver, who he’s known for years. 

 

“Hi sir,” he says, and the driver smiles at him, clapping his shoulder. 

 

“Are you going with us, Mr Hercules?” he asks, making Hercules sigh, shaking his head. 

 

“C’mon Ray, you’ve known me since I was eight. You don’t have to call me that,” he whines, and Ray laughs, kind eyes shining. 

 

“And I have called you that since you were little. It will not change,” he says, before he turns to Eliza and Angelica. The two girls run over and hug him tight, making Ray laugh. 

 

“Ah, the Schyuler sisters. How are you, my brilliant girls?” he asks, and Hercules loves it, because Ray was there from the very beginning, has been working for their father before he started adopting the girls. He looked after the girls, and then later on, after Hercules and James like they were his own. 

 

“We’re doing fine,” Angelica says softly, kissing Ray’s cheek. “Please take care of Eliza, and say hello to Peggy and Daddy for me,” she asks, and Ray smiles, and Hercules sees how sad it is. Everyone is sad at the mention of Peggy these days.

 

“Of course, love. Your father asked me to make sure that you have everything. Do you need anything from home? I will be sure to bring it when I drive Eliza back,” he says, wrapping an arm around Eliza now. 

 

“Just a few more of my books. But not the ones that Peggy is reading. Leave all of those for her,” Angelica says automatically, and Ray smiles, nodding. 

 

“You got it,” he says with a smile, before turning to Eliza. “Now Ms Eliza, are you ready?” he asks, squeezing her gently. 

 

Eliza smiles softly, nodding her head, before turning to her sister. “Angie...please check on--”

 

“I will, I’ll go see them tonight,” Angelica says, nodding, and she glances at Hercules, who blinks. Yep, he’s definitely missing something. Eliza gives another small smile, and then she’s walking with Raymond to the car, and Angelica and Hercules stand at the sidewalk until the car disappears from sight.

 

“So,” Hercules whispers, looking down the road still. “Who are we checking on?” 

 

Angelica sighs heavily beside him, and Hercules turns to see her squeezing the bridge of his nose.

 

“Apparently Charles Lee said something to the twins, and it has our new friends scared.” 

 

Hercules blinks, and then sighs, walking to Angelica and hooking arms with her.

 

“You’re taking a break and getting me some food and coffee. Then you’ll tell me what the heck I missed,” he says, and Angelica sighs, laying her head on his arm. 

 

“You don’t have to tell me twice.”

 

\---

 

“Do we have time before you gotta get the twins?” Alexander asks softly, drying his hair after he had finished showering. He’s kind of sad about it because now his hair is all down again, and he really liked how Thomas put it up. 

 

“I can go get them, and we’ll get you after. Why what’s up?” John asks, sitting at his desk, and piling his textbooks. His hair is out of its ponytail, and he’s wearing a fresh shirt.

 

Alexander shrugs, looking at the time. “I wanted to Skype with my parents, just to say hi,” he says, rather shyly because it’s only the second day, how lame is that. 

 

But John’s smiling at him, nodding softly. “Yeah, why don’t you do that? I’ll just be here until I have to go get the twins. I’ll be quiet I swear,” he says, already whispering, making a zipping motion over his lips. 

 

It makes Alexander laugh, because really, John is just a different person altogether. He’s never met someone so endearing. He plugs in his earphones, shaking his head. “You don’t have to do anything. I’ll be really quick, I swear,” he says, before he’s launching the program, and dialing his father’s account as he puts one earphone in. 

 

After three rings, it comes through and the camera buffers for both ends, and oh god, he looks gross, ew. He swipes a hand on his face, sighing. Was this what John has had to deal with the whole day? I mean Jesus, look at those eye bags my god. 

 

“Son, I can’t see your face, so why turn on the camera?” 

 

Alexander blinks, momentarily confused at the sound of his Pa’s voice in his ear, and then blinks, eyes widening when he sees George on his screen, smiling softly at him. 

 

“Pa!” he says, and he did not squeak, and he can see John giggling behind his hand from the corner of his eye.

 

“Hello Alexander.”

 

Alexander smiles softly, just staring at him, sighing. “I missed you, Pa,” he says, and he sniffles, just as George laughs softly, putting his chin on his hands. Alexander lets out a fake gasp, clutching his chest. 

 

“Straighten up, senator!” he says, giggling, and George laughs again, sitting back and shaking his head. 

 

“I am taking a break, Alexander. I am allowed to slump,” he says, before looking to the side, and smiling. Then he turns to the camera. “Guess what?” he says, in a soft voice, and Alexander bounces slightly on the bed, biting his lip.

 

“Ma?” he asks, and sure enough, someone else is moving towards the camera, and Martha’s sitting beside his father, effectively pushing him aside.

 

“Don’t be so pushy, Martha,” George says, in an exasperated voice, even though he clearly has a smile on his face. 

 

“Hush George, I wanna see our baby. Hi baby,” Marta says, waving at the camera and Alexander flushes red, waving back.

 

“Hi Ma,” he whispers, smiling softly at her. He misses her so much. “”You’re so pretty,” he says, sighing, and Martha laughs, and yep, that’s beautiful too. 

 

“You’re very sweet, Alexander. Oh and you’re hair,” she tuts gently, making Alexander pull at it, but he doesn’t do anything else. “How is everything? Your Pa said that you made friends?” she asks, and Alexander bites his lip, nodding softly, glancing at John who gives him a small smile, before looking back down on his textbook, headphones on, giving Alexander privacy. 

 

“Yeah, I made friends. Three, actually,” he says, smiling. 

 

“Oh? Tell us!” Martha says, and George smiles, wrapping an arm around Martha, pulling her close as they wait. 

 

Where to start?

 

“My roommate’s name is John Laurens, he’s very sweet and he’s already helped me a lot,” he says softly, flushing red slightly as he talks about John as if he’s not in the room, glancing nervously over to his friend, who doesn’t move, eyes moving rapidly as he reads his book.

 

“He’s in the room, huh?” Martha asks and Alexander nods shakily. “He’s reading his textbook and has his headphones on,” he says, and Martha smiles. 

 

“He’s a good kid?” George asks, and Alexander blinks, looking at his father. There’s something about his tone that he can’t quite place, so he nods softly.

 

“Very good...he...um…” he starts, not really sure how to breach the subject about the twns. “He’s good to me, and all of us really.”

 

“All of you?” Martha asks, tilting her head slightly, and Alexander nods softly. 

 

“Yeah...I met twins. Um...OK this is weird, but they have different names? Uh, Thomas Jefferson and Gilbert Lafayette,” he says, and he sees both of his parents pause. “Uh, guys?” he asks worriedly. 

 

“Did you say Jefferson? And Lafayette?” George asks, and Alexander nods, pausing when he sees John move from the corner of his eye. “OK, sorry Pa, just hold on,” he says, before muting his parents, and turning to John. 

 

“Are you going now?” he asks, and John nods softly, smiling at him.

 

“Yeah, I’m just gonna go get the twins. I’ll bring them back here, OK?” he says, before blinking when he sees the look on his face. “Everything OK Alexander?” he asks, and Alexander bites his lip, before making a quick decision. “Yeah, everything’s fine. Gimme thirty OK?”

 

“I’ll do my best,” he says, and Alexander sees that his hair is still out and wild behind him. If it was up to Thomas, he’ll definitely get his thirty. 

 

“I’ll see you soon,” Alexander says, and John smiles, before waving and walking towards the door. Then he’s unmuting and looking back at his parents who were just looking at him. 

 

“Your face is red,” his Ma says, as soon as she hears him, and he flushes even more. “Now you’re even more red!”

 

“Shut up,” he whines out, rubbing the back of his neck. He ignores how his Pa just guffaws at his reaction, and shakes his head. 

 

“Do you know those names?” Alexander asks softly, and George and Martha look at each other.

 

“We know of them. The Jeffersons are old money from the south. At some point way back, the Washingtons had business with them,” his father explains and Alexander nods softly.

 

“Not anymore?” he asks, and George shakes his head. “Not for a good three generations back. But we know of the current matriarch and she’s…” he trails off, looking at his wife, who sighs.

 

“I’ve interacted with her a couple of times, she’s very cold,” she whispers softly, and Alexander bites his lip. Then she gets that look on her face that tells Alexander she knows something, so he waits.

 

“Ma? Is there anything else?” he asks, and Martha sighs softly, glancing at George.

 

“Before you came to us, there were rumours. Basically, she had left for a good few years. She got married to a French aristocrat, Lafayette, and when she came back, she had a son with her. Then she changed her name back. Considered scandalous,” Martha says, rolling her eyes slightly at the idea, before continuing. “And that son...well...he was here for four years, and he...he built a reputation,” Martha pasues, and Alexander shakes his head. This was Thomas that they were talking about.

 

“Thomas is a good kid, Ma,” he says softly, desperately. “Those rumours aren’t true, I’m sure.” 

 

“No one is saying we believe any of this, Alexander,” George says softly. “You asked us what we know, and that is what we have heard,” he explains, and Alexander crosses his arms.

 

“They’re lies, he just had to do what he needed to get back to Laf!” he says, and George blinks, looking at his wife. 

 

“What? What is it?” Alexander asks softly.

 

“Just...be careful, please,” Martha asks. 

 

“He’s not going to hurt me,” Alexander says, snapping a little because how could they even think that about Thomas? “And to think I was going to ask you guys to help them,” he starts, pausing when Martha frowns.

 

“Why? What is it?” she asks, and all Alexander can remember was Thomas sounding hopeful at the idea of the senator helping them. Helping his twin. 

 

“I’m lucky you know,” Alexander whispers, looking at his parents, wiping at his eyes. “I have you guys. And you love me. John now has foster parents that helped him. But the twins? They’ve been alone for the last two years...and their parents separated them before that. For four years...I think more. And they got hurt,” he says, choking his last words. “And I told Thomas you’d help them…” 

 

“Alexander...son…” George starts, and Alexander wipes his eyes. He’s not going to let rumours colour anything of what he knows about his friend. 

 

“Don’t tell me anymore about Thomas. What you know? They’re rumours. Don’t give me rumours. Give me facts,” he says, and Martha nods softly, smiling sadly. 

 

“You’re too good, baby. They’re lucky to have you,” Martha whispers, and Alexander sighs softly.

 

“Ma, they don’t have anyone. Just me and John,” Alexander whispers, and George smiles, leaning closer to the camera.

 

“Then I won’t say they don’t have anyone, then,” George says softly, and Martha’s blowing a kiss to the camera, and Alexander smiles, returning it. 

 

“I’m sorry I got mad, it’s just...Thomas is good,” he whispers, and the fact that his parents nod in unison at his statement warms his heart. 

 

“We believe you baby,” Martha says softly, and George smiles. 

 

“We’ll figure it out. For now, just make sure you do what you can. And take breaks, Alexander. You’ve taken your medicine?”

 

“Mhm...John’s helping with them too,” he says before he can stop himself, and George gets that look in his eyes again, before he smiles. 

 

“Good kid, huh?” he says, and Alexander nods softly. 

 

“They all are,” he says, and Martha nods. 

 

“Well, I’m definitely happy to hear that,” she says, before smiling and blowing another kiss. Alexander smiles, wiping at his eyes as he blows another kiss back. 

 

“I gotta go now Ma, Pa,” he says, and watches as George nods, before wrapping his arms around Martha, who looks ready to cry. “I love you,” he adds, and Martha lets out a soft sob.

 

“Love you too baby. Everything will be OK. We’re there for you, and your friends,” she says, and Alexander nods, as George smiles, nodding. 

 

“We’re proud of you son. Talk to you soon,” he says, and Alexander nods again, smiling, before ending the call and leaning against the headboard with a sigh, his hair all tangled now after it dried without him combing it. 

 

It takes him a good couple of minutes to realize he didn’t even mention Charles Lee at all, and sighs. 

 

\---

 

When the call ends, George sits back, the smile dropping from his face. Then Martha sighs softly, wiping her eyes.

 

“Well, you heard our son. He wants facts,” she says, smiling slightly. She always admired Alexander and his mind. She watches as her husband nods absentmindedly and she sighs, poking him on the shoulder.

 

“Darling? What is it?” 

 

“Laurens. John Laurens. That’s the name of his roommate, right?” George asks, frowning still, and Martha nods. Then he’s leaning forward, typing something. Martha sits back, just watching, frowning now. 

 

“Darling?”

 

“I knew I recognized his name,” George says after a beat, before motioning towards the screen. “I know his father, Henry Laurens.” 

 

Martha squints at it, before her eyes widen at the article’s title.

 

_ Former Senator Jailed for Child Abuse and Attempted Murder _

 

“Oh god,” she whimpers, tears immediately coming to her eyes, as she scans the article. Five children. The eldest was 17, named John Laurens. Beaten into a coma. At the time of the article, he was still in a coma. And his siblings were put into the foster care system. 

 

“If what Alexander says is the truth,” George whispers, and he’s wrapping his arm around Martha’s waist, pulling her close. “Then how can such a deplorable man produce such a kind son?” 

 

“The ones that have been hurt the most sometimes grow to be the kindest,” Martha whispers softly, and George bites his lip. 

 

“So the Jefferson kid?” he asks, and Martha sighs, not really knowing what to say about that. She herself only ever heard rumours of this kid getting into things, and how he had no respect for anyone. There were so many things swirling around about him. From selling drugs, to doing drugs. To stealing, and conning people. 

 

There was even a rumour that he was selling himself. 

 

When Martha heard all of this, she had made the move to reach out. True or not, this boy needed help. By then, it was too late. He had ran away. And his mother left not long after that.

 

“I should’ve reached out,” Martha whispers softly. “If what our baby was saying is true, then he was crying out for help.”

 

“Let’s get some facts,” George says, and Martha nods, taking a deep breath. 

 

They’ll get to the bottom of this. Anything to help Alexander.

 

\---

 

_ Ding. _

 

_ John: I’m gonna be there in like, 30 seconds.  _

 

Gilbert reads the message, frowning, then he realized how much time passed already. He glances at Tommy to find him looking down at his phone as well, before getting off his own bed and walking over to the door, ready to open it.

 

Tommy still had his hair in a bun, and he barely said a word to him since their last conversation, and Gilbert hates it so much. Tommy just shuts down every time it has something to do with Gilbert helping him. 

 

Is he that useless to his twin?

 

There’s a soft knock on the door, and Tommy is pulling it open. John’s on the other side, small smile on his face and his hair is  _ everywhere _ .

 

“Hey Laf,” John says automatically, and Gilbert can’t help but smile, waving from his bed.

 

“Hello John,” he says, John blinks, before his eyes widen.

 

“Oh...Oh my god. So sorry, it’s the, uh,” he says, motioning on the top of his head. “Poof…” he mutters, and Tommy snorts, stepping aside to let John in. 

 

“Poof?” he asks, closing the door as soon as John is inside. “It’s a bun, John. Speaking of which, what happened to yours?” he asks, and Gilbert giggles again when John turns, hair swishing about, and Tommy sighs, motioning for him to sit down. 

 

“Are you gonna do my hair?” John asks, and Tommy walks over, already grabbing one of Gilbert’s hairties from the desk. 

 

“Just sit, tiny person,” Tommy says, and Gilbert smiles, watching as John sits at the foot of free bed, Tommy going on his knees behind him. It’s simple, but he knows that his twin is relaxed at the moment, even for a little bit. With John, at least. He’s never like that with Gilbert because all he ever does is make his twin worry. 

 

“I’m putting my hand through your hair now, OK?” Tommy says to John, who nods, closing his eyes the moment Tommy starts to card his hand through his hair, smoothing it out. 

 

Gilbert just watches them. Tommy really likes to keep his hands busy. One time, his twin had said that keeping his hands busy made him feel better, especially when it’s cold. Moving his fingers, flexing his hands, it always had a positive impact rather than the opposite, which is kind of odd, at least to Gibby. But Tommy always made it a habit to do something with his own hair, and then with Gilbert.

 

And he’s glad because he hates having his hair out. 

 

Because if it’s out, there’s so much more to grip, to pull. His teacher loved burying his face in it every time he pushed Gilbert on his front and--

 

He shakes his head, shivering slightly, and watches in silence, smiling sadly when he sees them lull in a soft conversation, as Gilbert wasn’t in the room. How Tommy looks so comfortable just talking to John as he does his hair, a small smile on his twin’s face. 

 

Meanwhile he’s here, watching, with disgusting thoughts. What was wrong with him?

 

Gilbert would do anything to have Tommy smile like that all the time. So far since school started, he’s seen him smile like that with John. And with Alexander.

 

All Gilbert ever did ever since seeing him again was make him cry. Or mad. Or frustrated or annoyed. And really? Tommy doesn’t need that. Two years of pain is more than enough.

 

Tommy doesn’t need him. And now that he has John and Alexander, he can be fine. Because all Gilbert ever does is make him sad, and scared, all the while still helping him. Always helping him. It’s useless to help him though. He can’t help but feel the way he does. 

 

He can’t help it that he’s bad. Gilbert clenches his fists and feels his nails digging into the palm of his hands, trying not to sigh loudly at the relief the pain brings. 

 

This very fact makes his stomach hurt in shame. He’s truly disgusting, because he needs to feel hurt in order to be good. No wonder Tommy doesn’t trust him with what happened to him all those years. Yeah, he was alone with his teacher, but at least Tommy knows at least that. At least Tommy knows or at least has an idea of what kind of disgusting acts Gilbert got up to while he was alone. But Gilbert doesn’t even know anything about Tommy, and those four years. He never said a word about that.

 

But why would he? 

 

Gilbert’s disgusting after all. He’s not a good twin. Can’t even be OK for his twin like he promised. And whatever John had said, how it wasn’t his fault? That wasn’t true. 

 

If he had looked different, if he had not looked or talked to his teacher the way he did, he wouldn’t have touched him. If he had been a good son, if he had been quiet, he would not have hurt him. 

 

But Gilbert was none of those things so he deserved it all. He clenches his hands tighter, feels the nail dig, and catch into the skin. Feels it sting.

 

“There, all done,” Tommy says, and Gilbert looks up and focuses. 

 

John’s hair is in a half-up, braided and neat, away from his face. It looks really nice, and both John and his twin are smiling, and Gilbert finds himself smiling too, looking down. He opens his hands and finds his palms bloody from his nails digging into them. He wipes it away quickly onto his trousers, happy that he’s wearing black jeans. He feels it sting, and it makes him smile even more because he deserves it. He deserves the pain. He glances back up and finds John and Tommy talking to one another about something, and Gilbert doesn’t even hear them.

 

Because Tommy will be fine. As long as John and Alexander around. They’re helping him more than Gilbert has ever helped him anyways.

And with that, something breaks, and Gilbert’s not sure if he can fix it. Does he want to fix it? Maybe.

  
He probably won’t. But that’s fine. Everything’s fine. 

  
Gilbert can finally leave him, can stop caring, and Tommy would be finally be OK.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Thank you for your patience.
> 
> As always, you can find me at youcanttameourdemons.tumblr.com.


	14. listen to us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lafayette gets lost, Thomas frays at the edges, and both Alexander and John try to get through their new found friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the patience on this one. Please heed the new tags. French translations are the End Notes.

“Thanks Thomas,” John says softly, smiling at him, and Thomas nods, a small smile on his face as well. This was a good distraction. 

 

“You’re welcome. Looks good,” he says, before sitting back on his thighs and tilting his head. “Where’s the other tiny one?” he asks, and John laughs softly.

 

“He’s Skyping with his parents. He was all excited. Kind of adorable? I told him that we’re coming over soon,” he says, and Thomas nods, before looking up at his twin. He had just basically ignored Gibby’s words, and he knows that’s not a good thing. He really shouldn’t have done that, but he doesn’t want to talk about it at all. He doesn’t like even thinking about it. He already knows that tonight is going to be hard.

 

“Gibby?” he calls, and his twin doesn’t answer. He frowns. “Gibby?” he calls again, a little louder and this time, Gibby blinks and looks up at him.

 

“Hm?” he asks, rubbing his hands against his jeans, and Thomas tilts his head. His twin seemed so calm, it was almost disconcerting.

 

“You alright?” he whispers, quite unsure, standing up to walk over when Gibby suddenly swings his legs off the bed and stands up. 

 

“Yeah, of course. Why? Shouldn’t we be getting Alexander?” he says, and yeah, no. Something is definitely wrong.

 

“Gibby?” he calls again, and his twin pauses, and John looks at the two of them, eyes wide. 

 

“What,  _ Thomas _ ?” Gibby says, not even turning around, and Thomas freezes, staring at his twin, who wasn’t even done. Not even close. “You did not want to talk, right? So I am not talking. You are getting what you want. Now, leave me alone, and let us go get Alexander,” he says, before exiting the room, and not even looking at John. 

 

Thomas stares after him for a moment, tears coming to his eyes. Shit. He really fucked up there. But he can’t say. There’s no way. His twin is too fragile. Gibby thinks that what happened to him will destroy Thomas? No. But Thomas knows for a fact that his secret? What happened to him those four years? That would definitely destroy Gibby. And that’s the last thing he wants. No matter how angry his twin gets. 

 

Plus, it wasn’t that big of a deal.

 

He feels a hand on his shoulder and he flinches hard. Suddenly, John’s there looking at him worriedly, and Thomas feels his resolve break slightly, and he starts shaking. 

 

“Oh Thomas,” John whispers, and he’s pulling him in his arms, and then Thomas is clinging to him, arms around John, desperate and hurt. The tears fall before he can stop it, and he starts to sob. 

 

“Why does he get to keep his, and I can’t keep mine?” he moans out, voice croaky and muffled against his shoulder.

 

John starts to rub his back, hushing him softly, and sighing. It takes a couple of seconds, but he calms a little, and pulls away to find John staring at him. “What is it?” Thomas whispers, and John smiles sadly, shrugging. 

 

“Maybe neither of you should be keeping it a secret?” he asks softly, and Thomas bites his lip, and John takes his hand, squeezing it. 

 

“Maybe it’s time for the two of you to stop living so alone. Six years is long enough,” John explains, and Thomas shakes his head. 

 

“Four. We were only alone for four years,” he whispers, and John shakes his head, looking at him sadly. 

 

“Oh Thomas,” he starts, sighing, and Thomas bites his lip, looking at John. 

 

“You two may have been physically together for two years, but you both built enough of a wall between each other in your desperation to protect your secrets that you might as well have been alone.” 

 

Thomas stares at John, trying to digest his words, gulping. John’s words...they make sense. But they hurt, and it’s just. “So I didn’t help him at all these last two years…” he whispers, and John shakes his head immediately, pulling at his hand, but Thomas wrenches it away. 

 

“That’s not what I’m saying and you know it,” John says, voice firm, but Thomas shakes his head, stepping back. 

 

“It’s exactly what you’re saying! He was alone, and I was alone, and I didn’t...I didn’t make him feel less alone, and I know that’s true because I don’t  _ know _ how to help because I don’t know what happened!” he says, and he’s stomping his feet before he can stop himself, the frustration so overwhelming.

 

These past two days are just overwhelming. And with Gibby bringing up his past, wanting him to remember, wanting him to talk about it, Thomas felt like he just wanted to sleep and never wake up. He just wants peace. 

 

“Thomas…” John starts, reaching for him and this time, he doesn’t let go when Thomas tries to pull away, grabbing his arm. Thomas panics and stumbles backwards, and his knees hit hard against the edge of the bed and he falls back hard on the mattress, bouncing.

 

_ Stop playing hard to get kid, you already said you’re cool with it.  _

 

Is there a hand around his neck? He can’t breath, oh god, he can’t breath.

 

“No,” Thomas moans out, hands clawing at his own neck, trashing. “No, not to this. Not to this, please,” he whimpers, gasping, trying to take in air, tears down his face. There’s hands on his shoulders and he whimpers, turning his face away, trashing, eyes squeezed shut.

 

“Look at me! Thomas! Open your eyes! Thomas!” 

 

He opens his eyes and finds John gripping his shoulders, pushing him on the bed. Pinning him to the bed. Oh god.

 

John’s eyes widen and then he's pulling, sitting Thomas up and pulling him into his arms. Thomas whimpers and he's exhausted. The skin on his neck feels raw. Did he scratch himself?

 

“Jesus, I don't care who you talk to. Who Laf talks to. But you're talking. You cannot go on like this,” John hisses, voice scared, stroking his back and Thomas closes his eyes. He’s too tired to disagree right now. 

 

“Let’s get you some food first,” John says, and he’s pulling away, and Thomas doesn’t open his eyes, but he has a feeling that John is just watching him. “Thomas? You with me?”

 

“I’m tired,” he whispers immediately, curling up slightly. 

 

“Let’s go. Alexander and Laf are waiting,” John coaxes, and he moans at the mention of his twin. 

 

“He hates me,” he mutters.

 

“Who? Alexander?” John asks, and Thomas opens his eyes just so he can glare at John, who raises an eyebrow at him. 

 

“No one hates you. Now let’s go,” he says, and Thomas stares at him for a moment, before nodding, taking John’s hand and letting him lead the way.

 

\---

 

When Alexander hears the knock on the door, he wipes at his eyes, and takes off his earphones. Then he takes a deep breath, and walks over to the door, and opens it. 

 

“Hey guys...guy? Laf? Where’s John? Where’s Thomas?” Alexander says, stepping back, and letting him in, frowning. “Are you alright?” 

 

Laf blinks at him, and then enters the room, before looking behind him. Then his shoulders’ slump, and Alexander frowns deeper. 

 

“You didn’t even know they weren’t behind you?” he asks, and he’s pulling at Laf, who flinches hard, eyes wide as he turns to Alexander, who immediately puts his hands up. 

 

“Laf...just me,” he whispers, and Laf stares at him for a moment, before sighing, and looking down. Alexander approaches him again, biting his lip.

 

“Vous allez bien?” he says, cautiously, and Laf blinks, and then he’s staring at him, not saying a word, his face just pale. His eyes widen for a moment, but then nothing. 

 

“S'il vous plaît laissez-moi vous aider,” Alexander continues, and Laf just keeps staring, and they’re standing in between the beds, and Alexander extends his hand. 

 

“S'il vous plaît...,” he says, and Laf takes a few beats before he’s reaching for Alexander’s hand, and the moment they touch, he frowns. He steps closer, and pulls Laf’s hand gently towards him, and finds it cut up, still bleeding. There’s lint and dirt in the cuts, like he just wiped it off somewhere. Gently, he takes Laf’s other hand and finds it in the same state. 

 

“J'avais besoin d'être puni,” Laf says simply, and Alexander feels ready to throw up. He shakes his head, leading Laf to the bathroom, and the fact that he just follows Alexander is disconcerting. 

 

He sits Laf down on the toilet, and turns on the tap, grabbing a washcloth and washing it thoroughly with soap and warm water. Then he wrings it dry, before walking back to Laf, and taking one of his hands. 

 

“Je vais nettoyer ce,” Alexander mutters, before gently patting the cuts with the cloth, looking to see if Laf is hurting at all. Instead, he’s met with a blank look, head down and looking at his own hands like he’s never seen them before. No reaction whatsoever. Not even when he moved on with the other hand. 

 

Fuck, he’s so worried. 

 

“Vous n'avez pas besoin d'être puni,” he whispers, wanting him to understand, and Laf finally looks up, finally moves.

 

And he frowns. Like he’s so confused by Alexander’s words. 

 

“Pourquoi êtes-vous me fixant?” Laf whispers, tilting his head slightly, and Alexander frowns, pausing. He kneels down now, looking up at Laf, and the twin’s eyes follow his movements. Why was he fixing him? How is that a question? Laf is his friend. He’s fixing his hand because they are friends and he cares for him. Hell, he’d fix a stranger’s hand if he needed to. His confusion must be clear, since Laf lets out a shaky sigh, before continuing. 

 

“Pourquoi êtes-vous me fixant?,” he repeats, before gulping, and suddenly, he looks scared. The blank look is not gone, but his eyes are teary, his face even paler, and he shivers, his hand sweaty and clammy in Alexander’s hold. But still so blank. He looks...tired. Defeated.

 

“Vous allez me blesser à nouveau,” Laf continues, and Alexander freezes. 

 

What? Hurt him again? What the fuck? Alexander’s heart starts to pound on his chest.

 

“Vous allez me blesser à nouveau,” Laf repeats, before gulping, closing his eyes. Then his shoulder’s slump, letting out a shaky breath.

 

“Comment voulez-vous de moi, monsieur?” 

 

Alexander’s breath hitches, and he thinks, he hopes he heard wrong, but then Laf repeats it, and yeah no, Laf is definitely asking him how he wants him. And calling him sir. Suddenly, the hand in Alexander’s turns, and then it’s his hand being held. Then Laf is pulling it towards him, other hand coming up shakily to spread Alexander’s fingers out, before placing it at his own collar, and Alexander feels the skin of Laf’s neck against his fingers...

 

Fuck. 

 

He wrenches his hand away and shakes his head, before grabbing at Laf’s shoulders, tears coming to his eyes. He stands, but he’s half crouching, wanting to look at Laf at eye level. The whole time he thought he was fucking helping, and he wasn’t. He really wasn’t.

 

He was digging Laf into this hell in his mind, and now he has to get him out.

 

“Laf!” he yells, shaking him, and suddenly, Laf looks up, eyes wide.  He doesn’t say a word though, but he’s staring at Alexander now, and his eyes are confused. Not blank, but confused. 

 

“What’s my name?” he asks, loud enough, in English. “What’s my full name?”

 

The words come out shakily. He tries to say it firmer, but Jesus he’s so scared. But he needs to ground Laf. He needs to make him realize that he’s here. He’s here and not whatever hell he thought it was in just moments ago. 

 

Laf takes in a breath, and it sounds hitched, and difficult. “A--Alexander...Hamilton,” he gasps out. “Alexander Hamilton Washington,” he continues, before blinking for what seems to be the first time in a bit. After he does, he looks even more confused, like he couldn’t believe Alexander was there.

 

“That’s right. You’re here, with me, in my room, and John Laurens’ room. You’re in our bathroom. Can you see that?” he asks, hands still on his shoulders, watching as Laf’s eyes flicker over behind him, then he turns slightly, and then again another way.

 

“Oh…” he starts, before gulping, blinking again.

 

“Alexander?” he asks, voice a whimper this time, and Alexander gives him a shaky smile. 

 

“Yes,” he whispers, nodding to him. “Yes. It’s me, Laf,” he starts, wanting to ground him, to keep him here. Call him Laf. Speak English. Make sure here’s here with Alexander and not in his mind. Not in that hell. Oh god. 

 

“You’re with me only. No one else. No one is here,” he continues, as firm as possible, and again, Laf’s eyes flicker around, and as they do, the tears start to fall, silently. He gives a shaky nod, and Alexander straightens up, standing again, and he pulls Laf in his arms, just like he had Thomas before. But Laf doesn’t return the hug. He just leans against Alexander, face pressed on his chest. When Alexander looks down at him, Laf’s eyes are blank, and Alexander closes his eyes, and just holds him tighter.

 

God, what is it with this bathroom and the twins breaking down?

 

Doesn’t matter. Alexander’s not going to let Thomas break apart. He’s not going to let Laf be lost in his own mind.

 

“Hey Laf,” he says softly, after a few moments, opening his eyes and looking down at him. Laf, thankfully acknowledges him, and looks up. With a soft smile, Alexander wipes away some of the tears down his face.

 

“Make hair?” he asks, and Laf blinks, before nodding minutely.

 

“Sit down, little one,” he mutters, and he’s putting his hand in his pocket, to take a hair tie out. Alexander thinks they have a whole lot in every pocket. He turns, and sits in front of Laf, before pausing.

 

“Wait, your hands,” he mutters, grabbing one of Laf’s hands, and making sure that the cuts are no longer open. “Are you gonna be OK?” he whispers, and Laf just stares at him, before pulling his hand away gently, and then there’s hands going through Alexander’s hair, gentle and slow.

 

“My hands will be OK,” he hears Laf whisper, and Alexander gulps, closing his eyes. Then, he takes his chance. Because he has to, remembering all that he knows from his parents. 

 

“Please talk to each other. If not to me, or to John, do it to each other. Please?” he says, voice soft, and Laf’s hands pause again. Then he takes a deep, shaky sigh. 

 

“I am afraid,” Laf starts, gulping. “You see me. I get lost. Tommy...he does not need me anymore. I can get lost forever, and that will be alright,” he says and Alexander shakes, only stilling when Laf hushes him. 

 

“It won’t be alright. Thomas will not be alright with that. Making friends with us doesn’t mean you don’t need each other. Don’t be an idiot, Laf,” he says, because if that’s what Laf has been thinking, then yeah, he’s a total idiot. He moves, so that he’s looking up and finds Laf’s eyes shining guiltily.

 

“Really? You actually thought that it’s a good idea to leave your brother alone just because he has us?” he asks, and Laf bites his lip. 

 

“Not on purpose...but you’ve seen--”

 

“I have, and you can get out of it. We won’t let you get so lost that you leave. We will help you. That’s why you need to talk. Whatever happened? It can’t stay secret. Not anymore. Please Laf,” Alexander says, and Laf’s hand starts to shake, before he bites his lip, gulping. Then he taps on Alexander’s forehead.

 

“Let me finish,” he whispers, and Alexander sighs, settling back down again and closing his eyes. He hopes that at least some of the words made it, and stuck to Laf. 

 

A few minutes later, he hears the door open, and then hears Thomas. 

 

“Gibby?” 

 

The sound makes Alexander’s eyes snap open and he feels Laf pause. 

 

Then Thomas whimpers, so loud that Alexander hears it, and he goes to stand but Laf stops him with a hand on the shoulder. “Hold,” he mutters, moving Alexander’s hand to hold the ponytail he was working on, before standing up to go back to the room, leaving Alexander staring after him. 

 

\---

 

“Thomas, you have to talk to someone,” John starts as they walk down the hall, taking their time. Thomas blinks, and turns to his friend, before shaking his head. There’s scratches down his neck, glaring and red, from his own nails.

 

“No, I can’t...I’m fine. I really am,” Thomas whispers, looking down, his left hand tugging on his right wrist like he’s trying to twist it, and John frowns, pulling at his left hand, and holding it.

 

“Stop that, please,” John says firmly, looking up at Thomas. The guy is taller than him. Bigger than him too. But John can hold his own, if this was ever to go sideways. “Don’t. Talk to me.”

 

They stop walking then, Thomas still looking down. 

 

“You have enough to worry about,” Thomas mutters, blinking rapidly, but he doesn’t pull away from John. He actually holds his hand tighter, and John strokes the skin of his hand with his thumb in return. 

 

“I don’t…” he starts, and Thomas shakes his head.

 

“Alexander. Gibby. Yourself. There’s no room for me, but it’s OK. I’m use to that, and I…” he stops, looking at John now, who raises an eyebrow.

 

“You?” he coaxes, and Thomas’ shoulders slump slightly, looking down again, avoiding his gaze.

 

“I don’t deserve help. It’s different. It’s so different,” Thomas whispers, and John shakes his head, tugging at his hand again, and stepping closer so that he’s looking right up at Thomas’ face.

 

“Hey, look at me,” he says, and John reaches up, gently cupping his cheek. “Thomas? Please?” he whispers, until Thomas finally does, blinking slowly, but there are no tears. John smiles at him, stroking his cheek. 

 

“You know what I told Laf?” he starts, and Thomas’ eyes widen before shaking his head. “I told him that I understand him. He spent years alone, getting hurt and suddenly, you’re there. He doesn’t quite believe it yet,” he whispers, and Thomas frowns at that. John still has one of his hands in his, and he feels it stiffen. 

 

“It’s been two years…” he mutters, and John nods. “Yeah, but here’s the thing: do you...do you believe you need help?” 

 

Thomas shakes his head immediately, and John smiles sadly, tugging at his hand and hugging him gently, before pulling away. 

 

“Of course you don’t. Because it’s only been two years,” he says, before sighing and looking up at him. “Two years of you two trying to help one another when the other doesn’t believe they deserve it. A cycle of stupid,” he says, and Thomas frowns, but John smiles, laughing softly at the look on his face. “You need to talk to each other. Even if you don’t talk to me or Alexander, just start with the two of you,” he says gently, and is met with a blank look. John smiles sadly, and pats at his wrist. 

 

“It’s OK. I’m  here now. Alexander’s here now, and we’ll make sure that one day, you’ll believe that you need help as much as your twin does,” he says, and Thomas bites his lip, before nodding, holding John’s hand still, as they continue their walk down the hall towards Alexander and John’s room. 

 

He pulls away from Thomas enough to open the door, blinking when he doesn’t see either of them in the room. Thomas makes a soft noise behind him, and suddenly he's passing John, looking around the room. “Thomas--”

 

“Gibby?” Thomas calls and he sounds weak and scared and Jesus, John hates it. He approached him just as Thomas shakes his head, whimpering.

 

“John, where is Gibby--I,” he starts, breath hitching and John’s eyes widen because Thomas’ eyes are wide and scared. Then the bathroom door opens and out comes Laf, and John can’t help but think of mirror images coming closer to one another, since Thomas still had his hair up. Laf grabs at Thomas, hands immediately on his wrists, holding them, thumb rubbing at the inside of his wrists. 

 

“Tommy...Tommy, I’m here,” he whispers, looking into his twin’s eyes, before moving and framing his face with both hands, stroking the top of his cheekbones. “Hey, Tommy? I’m here. I’m here. I’m sorry,” he whispers, and Thomas lets out a whimper. 

 

“Don’t be angry. Don’t hate me. Don’t leave,” Thomas says rapidly, and Laf’s breath hitches, then he’s pressing his forehead against Thomas’ and closing his eyes. As soon as they touch, Thomas’ eyes close as well. John feels like he’s looking at something so intimate, that he’s intruding, but he can’t look away. 

 

Laf shakes his head and just presses a soft kiss on his brother’s cheek, then he’s pulling away, grabbing his wrist now. “Let’s get food, OK?” he whispers, rubbing his wrist again and Thomas blinks, before biting his lip and nodding. Then he frowns.

 

“Alexander?” he asks, and Laf’s eyes widen for a moment and then he’s pulling away, going back to the washroom.

 

“Little one, I’m sorry,” John hears him say, and the door opens again and Alexander’s coming out of the bathroom, Laf right behind him, holding onto his hair. 

 

“It’s alright,” Alexander says, waving at Thomas and then at John, smiling at them. “Hi!”

 

Thomas blinks, before letting out a soft chuckle, because yeah, Alexander is freaking adorable when he wants to be. Which, so far, is all the time. “Hello Alexander,” Thomas whispers, and Alexander grins, before trying to look back at Laf. “Make hair done?”

 

Laf glances at him for a second, before tying his hair, and then he’s smiling. “Make hair done,” he says, and Alexander grins, before he’s skipping towards John.

 

“Hi John!” he greets, and John laughs, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, looking back at his hair. There’s an underbraid again, just like how Thomas did it before. 

 

“Hi Alexander. Nice hair,” he says, and Alexander smirks, looking at his hair too. 

 

“Yours too,” he says, and Thomas watches them, before shaking his head. Laf goes to stand beside his twin, but then frowns, turning towards Thomas completely. John watches as he reaches over, hand on the side of his neck.

 

“Tommy? What’s that?” he asks, looking at the scratch on his neck, and Thomas gulps, glancing at John, who nods to him. He hopes that Thomas will listen to what he has been trying to say this whole time. He watches as Thomas bites his lip, and then turns his full attention to his twin.

 

“Tommy?” Laf asks worriedly, eyes wide. 

 

“I’ll tell you after dinner,” he says, before taking his twin’s hands in both of his and pressing his palms together, before kissing his knuckles. His twin blinks at his actions, before nodding unsurely.

 

“Really?” Laf asks, and Alexander presses close beside John, and John doesn’t need to look to know that Alexander is hoping for a particular kind of answer.

 

John watches as Thomas takes a deep breath, and the nods, leaning in and pressing a kiss on his brother’s forehead.

 

“Yeah. I promise,” he whispers, glancing at John again who smiles. 

  
If Thomas keeps his promise then they’re definitely on the right track. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vous allez bien = Are you OK?  
> S'il vous plaît laissez-moi vous aider = Please let me help you.  
> S'il vous plaît = Please  
> J'avais besoin d'être puni = I needed to be punished.  
> Je vais nettoyer ce = I’ll clean it.  
> Vous n'avez pas besoin d'être puni. = You did not need to be punished.  
> Pourquoi êtes-vous me fixant ? = Why are you fixing me?  
> Vous allez me blesser à nouveau. = You're going to hurt me again.  
> Comment voulez-vous de moi, monsieur ? - How do you want me, sir?


	15. find me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out why Gilbert started to get lost, and just how lucky everyone is that Angelica is standing by their side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the patience everyone. Please heed the warnings. As always, French translations are at the End Notes.

“So we scared them, huh?” James says, an arm over the back of the couch as Angelica burrows into his side, her feet on Hercules’ lap as his cousin sits on the other end.

 

When Hercules came back to office with Angelica in tow, he knew that they needed to talk about something just by looking at their faces. Now they were settled, cups of tea within reach. 

 

“Yeah, Eliza was not really happy about it,” Angelica whispers as she takes a sip of her tea, and Hercules sighs, rubbing the back of his neck and pulling off his beanie. James knows what he’s thinking. They definitely should have thought that over. But at the same time they weren’t saying anything wrong.

 

“Lee comes with a warning label,” Hercules says softly. “You should have seen him, Angelica. They way he was leering at the twins. Laurens and Hamilton weren’t blind. And what he said? Lee’s making them his next target.” 

 

“I’m not saying you’re wrong. I’m just letting you know that they got scared. Apparently, he approached them again,” she starts, and James nods, remembering his interaction with Alexander.

 

“Yeah, Hamilton told me. Or rather, Alexander,” he says, smirking in remembrance. Even when he was crying, Alexander had that fiery attitude underneath that was hard not to admire. “He apparently said some things, and one of the twins wasn’t alright with it. And it ended with Lee telling Jefferson to watch his back.”

 

Hercules snorts, shaking his head. “Looks like Jefferson can hold his own, though,” he says, and Angelica frowns. 

 

“Yeah, but what if Lee decides to go after his twin? What then?” she asks, and James knows what she’s thinking. None of them are blind. It was clear how protective Jefferson was to his twin. And if anything were to happen to Lafayette, Jefferson would do anything in his power to stop it, at his own expense. Whether it’s to punch is way out, or to give himself in place of his brother, James is not really sure, and he’s afraid to find out.  

 

“Eliza talked to Laurens for a good bit. He was asking for help, so I think this goes beyond Charles Lee,” Angelica whispers, and Hercules nods, leaning back.

 

“We all remember roll-call,” he says, and James snorts, shaking his head. 

 

“And every interaction after that. We’ll check on them around dinner time. They’re probably at the dining room already,” he says, and Angelica nods softly, putting down her cup and swinging her legs up. 

 

“Good,” she mutters, before looking at her phone, biting her lip. James gives her a soft smile. 

 

“Eliza will call as soon as she’s settled. She always does,” he says, and Angelica smiles sadly. 

 

“I feel like I should be there for her too,” she admits, as Hercules stands and extends his hand for her to take. Angelica does so, gracefully, like always. 

 

“Next time, let us know and you can go. James and I will take care of the building,” Hercules says, and James nods, without hesitation. Lord knows these sisters need all the support they can get. And when Angelica gives them a full smile in return, James knows that it’ll be worth it.

 

“Let’s get some food,” Hercules says, wrapping an arm around Angelica and leading her to the door, and James sighs, following.

 

“It’s only been two days guys. It’s only Friday night. How is this already our life?” he asks, and Angelica shrugs. 

 

“Because someone out there thinks we can handle it,” she says, and James glances at Hercules, before nodding.

 

“And we will,” Hercules whispers, pressing a kiss on Angelica’s forehead as they walk down the hall. 

 

And it’s times like these that James counts himself lucky.

 

\---

 

“Alexander, you’re staring again,” Tommy says, completely deadpan.

 

“But it’s so cool!” Alexander gushes, and Gilbert gives him a soft look.

 

“Little one, please. Tommy just has his hair up, it is not that ground-breaking,” he whispers, because it’s true. Tommy wears his hair many different ways. If anything, it’d be more groundbreaking to see Gilbert’s hair down. And that will never happen. At least not in public. Only his twin will ever see that. Only then will he be that vulnerable. 

 

“Yeah, but you look  _ exactly _ alike. It’s nuts!” Alexander squeals, falling back against the well behind him. Once again, they’ve taken the farthest corner, so John and Alexander are sitting against the wall, with Alexander at the very corner, and the twins are across from them, back to everyone else. They’ve sprawled out, even though they can technically fit six people on the benches. 

 

But there’s only the four of them, so it didn’t matter. 

 

John laughs softly, as he swallows his food, pulling Alexander off the wall. “Careful. It’s pretty cool, but they’re not exactly the same. Laf doesn’t have glasses on,” John points out. Tommy turns to Gilbert, who smirks, and immediately reaches for his twin’s glasses, taking it off. As soon as Tommy faces Alexander, he squeals.

 

“Oh great, you’ve broken him,” John says with a laugh, as Alexander continues to bounce on the spot, clapping his hands. Tommy squints at Alexander, before turning back to his twin, and Gilbert places his glasses back on him.

 

“Thanks Gibby,” he whispers, and Gilbert smiles, nudging his brother lightly, before looking down at food. Which has hasn’t touched. Oh. 

 

“Gibby? You okay?” Tommy whispers, and Gilbert bites his lip, before nodding shakily, taking a small bite of his food. He chews, slowly, trying hard not to get lost like he did with Alexander. 

 

It doesn’t happen with Tommy. Not really. He always gets to go home when Tommy is beside him. He knows which direction is right when Tommy is directing him. But with others, others he is unfamiliar with, he falls deep if he doesn’t try hard to be careful. He falls inside himself, running away. 

 

It started happening after the second year. 

 

_ “S'il vous plaît. Je n'aime pas cela,” he screams, trying to get away, but he can’t, he’s trapped. The cuffs on his ankles bite and cut, but he keeps trying, trying to back away, shaking his head wildly.  _

 

_ His teacher doesn’t relent, grabs his by the hair, pulling him close. Then he wraps a his free hand around his neck, squeezing tight, choking off any screams that threaten escape. Then he’s on top of him, one hand still on his neck as he lets go of his hair, before he’s reaching over, and Gilbert’s trying get him off, gasping.  _

 

_ “Non, non!” he screams, breathless as he sees the gleaming hot metal knife coming closer from the corner of his eye, and then the pain that follows, right under his left ribs.  _

 

_ “Juste être bon et écouter,” his teacher hisses, pressing harder. Be good. He can be good. He can be so good. Just make it stop, please. _

 

_ Gilbert remembers screaming from the pain, and suddenly, he didn’t feel it anymore. It was gone. But it didn’t stop happening. He can see what his teacher was doing to him, but he was no longer screaming, which made his teacher angrier. But he still answered. Gilbert could hear himself responding, doing what he is told. He’ll be good. So good. Yes sir. I promise. I’ll be good. I’ll open wider. I’m your whore. Bring my hips up. But still, his teacher he didn’t stop. He never does. No matter how good he is. He just keeps getting hurt. And Gilbert watched him continue, but felt no pain from it.  _

 

_ For the first time in two years, he felt no pain from the rape that followed.  _

 

_ Until he woke up the next morning and felt everything that was done to him. _

 

It happened many times after that. His teacher would give him a command, and he’d be gone. Not all the time though. And not really gone? He remembers everything that happen, but at very specific moment, Gilbert gets reprieve from the pain. He gets to watch, like having front row tickets to his own personal hell. And he gets to just see, not feel. Until he had to deal with it the morning after. Figures that Gilbert would only get blessings, if they were immediately followed by hell.

 

After Tommy got him out, and before meeting John and Alexander, it had only happened once. They were at the airport on their way to the university after a few weeks in France, trying to get everything settled after what happened. Tommy had to run and get something from the ticket desk, and had left Gilbert alone with their baggages when a man approached him. 

 

_ “Pouvez vous m'aider?” the man asks, approaching him, and Gilbert blinks, looking up.  _

 

_ “Pardon?” he whispers, and the man blinks, staring at him. Then Gilbert sees how his eyes widen for a moment, then how his gaze drifts down, and back up again. He freezes, a soft whimper coming to his lips before he can stop it. The man hears, and suddenly, his disposition changes and he’s grabbing at Gilbert’s hand, crowding him. _

 

_ “Vous êtes parfait. Prêt. Oui?” the man asks, and he’s so close and Gilbert wants to run, but he can’t, and he’s so scared, and where was Tommy?  _

 

_ The man stares at him, and then his hand slides to his side, just under his left rib and squeezes. The man grins as he whimpers, watching as Gilbert’s eyes go blank, and suddenly he’s gone.  _

 

_ “Oui,” Gilbert hears himself say, and the man’s pulling him up, wrapping an arm around his waist. Walking him away. From the bags. From Tommy. _

 

_ Tommy. Tommy. Tommy.  _

 

_ He whimpers, stopping, and the man growls, pulling him harshly now. Whispering words. Calling him names, rapidly, hurriedly, trying to get him out. Yes, he’ll be good. Yes, he’s whore, he’s sorry, he’s sorry. Wait, wait. _

 

_ Tommy. Tommy.  _

 

_ Tears are coming in his eyes and the man growls when he sees it, shaking him. Then suddenly, there’s a yell behind them.  _

 

_ “Gibby!”  _

 

_ He blinks, and Thomas is in front of him, lip split and eyes wide. “Tommy?” he asks, and Tommy nods, wrapping his arms around him, holding him close.  _

 

_ “What happened? Gibby, why were you leaving with that man?” he asks, voice shaking, and Gilbert clings to him, shaking his head.  _

 

_ “You found me,” he whispers, burying his face in his neck, hugging close, and Thomas nods, holding him.  _

 

_ Tommy always finds him. _

 

“Laf? You okay?” 

 

Gilbert blinks, and he looks up, finds his twin, John and Alexander staring at him. Alexander gives a small wave, and John smiles at him. 

 

“There you are. Found you,” John says, and Gilbert blinks at the words. Found him?

 

“You look a little lost, Gibby,” Tommy whispers worriedly, and Alexander tilts his head. 

 

“Laf? Laf you okay?” Alexander repeats, and Gilbert blinks again, looking at all of them. Then he remembers Alexander, and how he had broken him out of it. How John had done it previously before, and welcomed his pain. After two days. Just two days and there are suddenly two other people capable of finding him. Of pulling him out. It’s almost surreal. 

 

“Yeah,” he whispers, finally, nodding his head. “You found me,” he mutters, and Tommy freezes beside him, before wrapping an arm around his waist, and squeezing, pressing a kiss on his forehead. Alexander grins in return, nodding, and John smiles even wider. 

 

“Always,” John says, smiling softly, and then nodding at his food. “Now, eat. You don’t want it cold,” he says, and Thomas is nudging him, and Gilbert smiles, digging into his food and eating another bite, as Alexander starts talking again.

 

\---

 

“Oh, there are the babies,” Angelica says, and James snorts at the nickname, as she enters the dining hall, spotting the first years at the far corner. “Jesus, they are twins, huh,” she mutters, and Hercules frowns, before looking towards the direction she’s nodding.

 

He can see the twins, and they both had their hair up. They looked exactly alike, and if it wasn’t for one twin’s arm around the other’s waist, he wouldn’t be able to tell who was who. 

 

Something about Jefferson’s protectiveness of his twin makes Hercules’ heart ache.  

 

“Alright, let’s go grab our food, and talk to them,” James starts, making his way towards the food to do just that when Hercules sees something move from the corner of his eye. He turns, and swears, realizing who it was. 

 

Charles Lee had just entered the hall and had seen the foursome as well. “James, no time,” he hisses, and James turns, sees where he’s looking and nods. “Go,” he mutters, and Angelica nods, already strutting her way towards Lee, who was walking towards the table. Since the twins had their back to everyone else, they didn’t see. But it was clear that Laurens had, as Hercules sees him freeze at his spot, ready to stand. 

 

Hercules jogs the rest of the way, James right behind him. “Yo!” Hercules calls, trying to catch Laurens' attention. Thankfully, it works, and immediately, he sees him relax. 

 

Immediately, Hercules slides on the spot beside Lafayette, careful not to press close, but enough so he doesn’t turn, and he sees James do the same thing beside Jefferson. 

 

“Hey guys, what’s up?” James says, and Jefferson frowns, holding Lafayette closer. Yeah, they probably look so insane right now.

 

“What in the world…” Jefferson mutters, and Lafayette’s eyes are wide and he looks overwhelmed, so Hercules leans back, just half sitting on the bench to create space between the two of them. He glances down the table, sees the scratch on Jefferson’s neck, but doesn’t say a word, before looking across Laurens and Hamilton. 

 

Hamilton blinks, and for a moment he looks just as confused, then his eyes flicker behind them, and suddenly he’s grinning. “Oh yeah! Sorry, sorry, I forgot. I told James to find us at the dining hall,” he says, and by god, the kid’s smart. Also, he probably just saw Angelica ripping Charles Lee a new one. 

 

Speaking of Angelica…

 

“Oh shit,” Laurens whispers looking behind him as well, and there’s an echoing sound of skin hitting skin, and suddenly everything’s so quiet. 

Hercules turns, and so does everyone else towards the sound, and yep. It’s Angelica, her hand still splayed from having slap the living hell out of Lee. 

 

“Get out of here,” she hisses loud enough for even them to hear. Lee smirks, and turns around, thankfully without even glancing at their table. Everyone watches him leave, before going about their business. Except for their table. They all watch as Angelica turns to face them, before strutting the rest of her way towards them.

 

Then she lays her hands on the table in between Laurens and James. “Hi babies,” she greets, smiling at the first years.

 

“Woah, that is so cool,” Hamilton says, breaking the silence, pointing at where Lee was just standing, and Laurens lets out uproarious laughter, genuine and happy. Angelica simply smiles, throwing her hair back with a grin, as Hamilton flushes red.

 

“Thank you,” she says, and James snorts, standing to grab her a chair. As she sits, Jefferson stares at her. 

 

“So you know?” he asks, and Lafayette presses close to his twin at the question, looking at Angelica as well. 

 

“We do,” she says, glancing at James, and then at Hercules. Jefferson frowns, but doesn’t say a word about it. 

 

“Who is he?” Lafayette asks softly, and Hercules didn’t expect it. He doesn’t expect the sound either, because his voice is smaller, croaked, and with a French accent. 

 

“A spoiled rich kid whose dad had got him out of trouble too many times, that he really has no care for his actions,” James says, voice soft and deep and always straight to the point. 

 

“You once told us you get it,” Jefferson says to Angelica, and Hercules is not sure what he means until Angelica sits back, nodding, glancing at James and then at himself.

 

“I look after my own, yeah,” she says, and Hercules is vividly reminded of the many different instances where adults would always tell her to look after not only Eliza and Peggy, but after James and Hercules as well. 

 

“So be straight with me, please,” Jefferson says, and Lafayette takes a deep breath, pressing impossibly close to his sibling now, but it works, and they don’t show any sign of discomfort at all. Jefferson just rolls with it, and it’s admirable. 

 

“Has he hurt anyone before?” he asks, glancing at Laurens and Hamilton as he asks, and the two turn to Angelica as well.

 

“Yes,” she whispers. “But none were proven. That’s why he’s still here, and not expelled,” she adds. 

 

“What happened to the people he’s hurt, then?” Alexander asks, and James sighs. Hercules bites his lip, before gulping.

 

“Like James said,” he starts, hating the whole thing. Of having to explain something so horrifying. “He has the money, and his dad is willing to payout.” 

 

Alexander deflates at that, shaking his head, and John wraps an arm around him, rubbing his shoulder. Hercules feels awful.

 

“What did he do?” Jefferson asks, and Angelica freezes, eyes wide.

 

“Jefferson--” she starts, but Jefferson shakes his head immediately, closing his eyes.

 

“Please, I need to know so I can look after  _ my own _ ,” Jefferson hisses, before taking a deep breath and opening his eyes again. He looks terrifying, if Hercules is being honest, and he has no doubt that he will protect whomever he’s trying to protect.

 

Angelica takes a deep breath, and looks at James, who nods. “The last kid was from our building. He said no to Lee’s advances to him. Next thing, they found him assaulted and beaten at the back of the spare classroom buildings at the edge of campus, by the hospital,” he says, and Jefferson freezes at that, eyes widening. 

 

Laurens’ eyes widen as well, and he reaches over to grab at Thomas’ hand. “Hey, it’s OK. I have classes there too, remember? We’ll be good,” he mutters, and Hercules feels his heart tug when Jefferson looks at Laurens for another second before nodding, turning to his twin and pressing a kiss on his forehead.

 

“Where’s this student now now?” Jefferson continues softly, and James sighs. 

 

“The other kids from the previous years just dropped out. Guessing his family bought them out so they don’t come out and sue. This one...he…” James stops, before taking a deep breath. 

 

“He didn’t get a chance to,” Angelica whispers, and Hamilton looks up. 

 

“No?” he asks, and Angelica meets his eyes. Then, Hercules watches as something flashes in Hamilton’s eyes, and he deflates, leaning heavily against John now.

 

“Oh,” he mutters, and Lafayette closes his eyes, letting out a shaky breath. 

 

Jefferson growls under his breath, and Angelica frowns, looking at him. “Don’t provoke him,” she starts, and she’s met with a snort, followed by a bitter laugh. 

 

“You just slapped him. In front of everyone, and I’m the one getting the warning?” Jefferson asks, shaking his head, and Angelica raises an eyebrow.

 

“Kid--” she starts, but Jefferson’s stops, his head snapping and he’s glaring. 

 

“Don’t call me that,” he hisses, and Lafayette’s eyes are wide and he’s looking at his twin worriedly. Hercules can see Laurens and Hamilton doing the same. So this is new to all of them. Well isn’t that comforting. 

 

Then Jefferson deflates a little, but his back is still stiff. “Please,” he adds, and Angelica watches him for a moment, before nodding.

 

“Noted,” she says, before leaning forward at the table. Hercules notes it as well, glances down to his cousin and sees James frowning. “As I was saying, me slapping him is hardly provoking him. It’s not the first time,” she says, and Hercules laugh softly. Talk about understatement of the century.

 

“They’re from the same year,” he says, grinning. “And she’s slapped him at least three times each year,” he says, and James shakes his head. 

 

“Four last year,” he says, and Angelica glares at him playfully, and Hamilton is smiling again. Then Laurens is speaking.

 

“Thomas won’t provoke him,” Laurens says, and then he’s looking at Jefferson, who blinks, staring back at his friend. Then, it’s clear that there’s some sort of silent conversation because Jefferson nods, sitting back, and then he’s settling, and picking up his fork again. 

 

Hamilton’s smiling still, and he’s reaching over towards Lafayette, and smiling at him. “Laf? Eat?” he says, and Lafayette blinks, still pressed close to his twin,  before looking down at his food, and doing just that, picking at it. Then he turns to Angelica. 

 

“Thank you,” Hamilton says sincerely, and Angelica smiles softly, her face a little pink. 

 

The whole dynamic is fascinating, confusing and terrifying altogether. By the look on Angelica’s face and on James as well, he’s not the only one thinking it. 

 

“You’re welcome,” she whispers, and Laurens looks up at Hercules, and then at James. 

 

“You guys should get food,” he says, nodding. “We’ll be here,” he adds, before continuing with his food, and grinning when Alexander tries to feed him some of his own food. 

 

\---

 

The rest of dinner goes off without a hitch, thankfully, and it ends another round of numbers exchange, prompted by Angelica. 

 

“Alright babies, gimme your numbers,” Angelica says, phone already out. John pauses, frowning slightly. 

 

“Um, are you going to keep calling us babies, Ms Angelica?” he whispers, and Angelica pauses. She turns to him fully now, and John kind of appreciates the gesture. “I’ll stop if it makes you uncomfortable,” she whispers, and John shakes his head immediately.

 

“No, just curious,” he says, and she smiles, stepping back. “Then I will! Now, number?” she asks, giving him her phone, and he blinks, before handing his own to her. 

 

John enters his number, and glances up to see James talking to Thomas. 

 

“May I have your number?” James says, and Thomas stares at him for a moment, before nodding softly, motioning for his phone. John smiles, and turns to see Laf staring at Hercules, who was talking. John couldn’t really hear what he was saying, but judging by Laf tilting his head curiously, a small smile on his face, he figured it wasn’t so bad.

 

“John? You okay?” 

 

John blinks and finds Alexander smiling at him, holding up his phone. “Angelica already put hers in mine. Just waiting for you to give back her phone,” he says, and John flushes red. 

 

“Sorry,” he mutters, before quickly putting his number into Angelica’s number, before handing it to Alexander, who smiles, and leans in to press a kiss on his forehead. John flushes red and ducks his head, rubbing the back of his neck.

 

“Aw, babies being adorable,” Angelica coos, and Alexander squeaks, giving her phone back.

 

“Shut up,” he mutters, glancing at John before smiling, and then he’s bouncing over to James and Thomas. 

 

“God he’s cute,” John whispers, and Angelica giggles, having heard him. Obviously. Oh dear. 

 

“You got it bad, baby,” she says, before smiling at him, and patting his shoulder. “Eliza told me how worried you were today,” she says, and thankfully keeps her voice low enough so it stays between the two of them.

 

“Yeah? I...she said, she’ll help,” he whispers, and Angelica nods softly, sitting beside him now. 

 

“Of course she did. And she’s not lying. We’re here, alright? If there’s anything, you call me. Lee says anything, you call me. Something happens that you’re uncomfortable with, you call me. You get a good mark on an essay and want to preen? You call me. I don’t care, John, but you call me when you want to, and especially when you need to,” she says, holding his hand in the midst of her words, and really, John feels so grateful.

 

“Thank you,” he whispers, biting his lip. “You honestly don’t know how much this means to me,” he adds. Knowing that there would be someone to go to when it gets too overwhelming was amazing enough.

 

“Oh John, I have a pretty good idea,” Angelica says softly, smiling at him, before patting his head. He pouts in response, and she lays heartedly, pulling him into her arms.

 

“You’ll be fine. You’ll see,” she whispers, and John smiles, squeezing her slightly, before pulling away.

 

“Thank you,” John whispers again, taking a deep breath. He feels a little lighter now, like how he felt when he first got into his dorm, and met Alexander. 

 

Yeah okay, wow. He has it bad. Shit. 

 

“Waaaaait! WAIT! You wrote those?! That’s you! YOU’RE MADISON?!” 

 

John blinks and looks up at the sound of Alexander freaking out. Sure enough, Alexander’s bouncing on the balls on his feet as he stands beside James and Thomas. Thomas is frowning at Alexander, before he blinks, and turns his attention to James as well.

 

“Oh. Madison Weekly. Those articles are yours,” Thomas says, and John tilts his head confused. 

 

“Let me guess. They want to join the debate team?” Angelica says, and John laughs softly, nodding. “No wonder they know James’ articles. He’s been writing those papers since he’s joined in first year,” she adds, and John watches as Thomas and Alexander get into what looks like a really nice, but quite intense conversation. Thomas has even pulled away from Laf now, but he’s still holding his hand on the table, while Laf engages in a much more calm conversation with Hercules. It looks like he’s showing Laf something, and John glances back at Angelica. 

 

“I’m guessing he’s a big time member?” he asks, motioning to James, who’s smiling as he nods to whatever Alexander is saying. Angelica laughs softly beside him.

 

“Oh baby. He runs it. Took over as president this year. Even if he didn’t want it. Keeps saying that he’ll have someone take over as soon as he finds a good candidate, and really,” she says, and John sees her smirking from the corner of his eye, as she watches Thomas roll his eyes at whatever Alexander is saying, who just retaliates with a wave of a hand. The whole exchange, James is just smiling. Watching.

 

“I’m pretty sure he’s found his candidates.” 

 

\---

 

“You drew all of these?” Lafayette asks, voice soft as he looks over Hercules tablet. With a smile, Hercules nods, swiping his finger on the screen.

 

“Yeah, these are my designs. These ones,” he motions, pointing at the ones he marked with a red dot. “These ones are the ones I’m currently working on.”

 

Lafayette looks up, and he tilts his head, eyes wide as he look up at Hercules. “Working?” he asks, and he sounds genuinely curious, moving closer to look. Hercules smiles. He’s kind of adorable when he’s not wide eyed and scared, huh?

 

“Yeah. So here’s the drawing, right?” he says, motioning to the blue dress he had sketched and designed last year. “And now,” he continues, exiting the album and then going into another, before opening the photo of the dress as it stands now. “It’s nearly complete, just needs a few more--”

 

“Wow…” Lafayette whispers, eyes widening as he’s reaching over the tablet, and looking at the details, scrolling and zooming in. He looks so enthralled and Hercules is kind of glad he’s the reason why he looks like that. Then he looks up, and he’s smiling. Truly smiling.

 

“This is beautiful Hercules,” he says, voice still as soft and Hercules gulps, staring at a moment, before returning his smile. "Thank you," Hercules says, voice small as he stares at Lafayette.

 

“You’re welcome,” he replies, and Lafayette’s looking down again, swiping his fingers on the tablet, and Hercules just watches, offering soft commentaries about each one, answering his questions. By the fourth dress though, he sees that Lafayette starts to falter, eyes blinking more. 

 

“Hey, are you alright?” he whispers, and Lafayette looks up, with a small smile that turns into a grimace, before he yawns, pressing the back of his hand against his lips. 

 

Oh. Hercules gives him a small smile, looking at Jefferson, Hamilton and James who are still going. 

 

“Now that is not fair, Alexander,” James starts, and Jefferson laughs, nodding his head at James agreeing with him, whatever the hell they were talking about. 

 

“See! See Alexander, you can’t just arbitrarily say something like that without more facts!” Jefferson exclaims and Hamilton crosses his arms, huffing. 

 

“It’s not arbitrary...it’s just...yeah alright you got me,” he trails off, and Jefferson laughs softly as Hamilton charges at him and presses his forehead against his shoulder, and Jefferson responds by wrapping his free arm around him in return. 

 

“Little one quit it, you’ll fall,” Jefferson says, and Hercules smiles at the whole thing, before he’s reaching over, tapping at Jeffferson's hand that’s still holding onto his twin on the table. 

 

Immediately, the twin stops, and pulls away from his friend, looking back at them. “Gibby? You okay?” 

 

Before Lafayette can say anything, Hercules nods, smiling at Thomas. “Yeah he is. Just exhausted,” he says, and Lafayette’s leaning against his twin again, rubbing at his eyes. He shouldn’t look adorable as he does it, but yeah, he definitely does. 

 

“Gibby? Okay, let’s get you to bed,” Jefferson whispers, and looks at Hamilton, who nods, bouncing over to John and Angelica now. 

 

“Bedtime, John!” he calls, and Hercules watches as he makes grabby hands towards John, who laughs softly, before giving Angelica another hug and standing up, walking over to Alexander. 

 

“Thanks for everything guys,” Laurens says, as the twins stand, Hercules standing with them. 

 

“It’s no problem,” Angelica says, but Hercules can barely hear her, turning his attention to Lafayette. “I’m glad you liked my designs,” he says genuinely,  because it’s nice to have someone other than family support him. Lafayette smiles softly, nodding his head. 

 

“I want to see more later,” he replies, and Hercules’ eyes widen, and Lafayette’s handing him his phone with a small smile. “Please enter your number?” he asks, and Hercules nods, taking it. 

 

He puts his number in, and looks up to give him, and blinks. 

 

Jefferson is frowning at him from behind Lafayette, and when he hands Lafayette’s phone back, Hercules can see his eyes narrow. Thankfully he doesn’t say a word. 

 

“Text me,” he says to Lafayette, who smiles softly, nodding. 

 

“I will soon,” he says, and Jefferson snorts, as they start to walk away. “You hate texting,” he says, and Hercules just knows that he’s doing it to rile him up. 

 

Lafayette growls, and slaps his brother’s arm half-heartedly. “I do not hate it. I just only text the important ones,” he says, giving Hercules one last smile over his shoulder as they exit the dining hall, Laurens and Hamilton already long gone. 

 

Hercules stares after him, and James lets out a soft chuckle, before there’s an arm around his shoulder. 

 

“Cuz, don’t even. Seriously. It’s not a good idea,” he says, and Hercules sighs, nodding. Yeah, probably not. If Lafayette doesn’t become the death of him, it’s going to be Jefferson. 

 

Then his phone vibrates and he grabs it from his pocket. 

 

_ Unknown Number: This is Lafayette. _

 

_ Unknown Number: Please call me Laf.  _

 

“C’mon Herc,” Angelica calls, and he looks up to find James and Angelica already leaving, and he follows them, as he starts to reply, a smile on his face.

 

_ Me: Hello, Laf. _

 

Immediately, a reply.

  
_ Unknown Number: Bonne nuit, Hercules. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S'il vous plaît. Je n'aime pas cela = Please. I don’t like it.  
> Juste être bon et écouter = Just be good and listen.  
> Pouvez vous m'aider? = Can you help me?  
> Vous êtes parfait. Prêt. Oui? = You are perfect. Ready. Yes?


	16. a promise, but no plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gilbert tries and Thomas breaks. And for better or worse, it sets things in motion. At least, that's the hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your patience. It has been a trying couple of weeks, and this has been very difficult to write. I thank you for all your support.

Thomas isn’t really sure how to feel about this new development. The logical, reasonable part of himself is glad. Glad that his twin is opening up, welcoming others but himself in his life. At the same time, what if those people hurt him? 

 

What if Hercules hurts him?

 

Isn’t he already being careless trusting not just one, but two people with some of the most intimate details in their life? He’s been so desperate for some support, that he’s falling and trusting John and Alexander like his life truly depended on it. He bites his lip, taking a deep breath.

 

Alexander would cry if he knew he was thinking like this. And John would punch him for it. 

 

But truly, there has to be a catch. If there’s anything he’s learned in this world is that nothing is free. Something, someone always has to pay. 

 

Because everything comes with a price. He knows that well. 

 

“Tommy?” 

 

Thomas blinks, and looks at his twin, smiling softly at him. “Hm?” he asks, squeezing him a little as they walk, Alexander and John still ahead of them, Alexander holding onto John’s hand and swinging it. Seems to be his thing now. 

 

Gilbert smiles softly, and leans against Thomas further. “Dinner was nice today,” he says softly, and Thomas can’t help but smile. 

 

“Yeah? What you like about it?” he asks, genuine curious, and Gilbert shrugs a little. 

 

“Just...we’re not so alone anymore,” Gilbert whispers, and Thomas breath hitches slightly. “I...I I know that don’t believe it even when it happens, and tomorrow, I’ll probably won’t think that they’re there for us because...because I’m...,” he trails off, and Thomas nods, mutely. Not saying a word.

 

Because Gibby is talking. He’s trying.

 

“But today...it felt good to know they’re there...even just for a little while,” he continues, and Thomas nods softly in agreement, slightly in awe. His twin is trying to explain to him exactly how he feels, why he thinks a certain way one day, and then the total opposite the next day. 

 

And he can relate to it. Because he’s was just doing it. With Hercules. And Alexander. And John.

 

“Does that make sense?,” Gilbert whispers, and Thomas nods immediately. 

 

“You want to trust them so much,” he says softly, and Gilbert nods shakily in return right away, sniffling. 

 

“But you’re scared to. Because...because what if they want something from you?” Gilbert says, continuing Thomas’ thoughts and he’s looking down at his phone, and Thomas just knows that he’s thinking about Hercules. Then Gibby looks ahead and watches John and Alexander for a moment, before his eyes flashes with something that Thomas sees in the mirror all the time.

 

Guilt. 

 

Thomas feels ashamed for thinking the same thing. But he’s glad that his brother is just as cautious. Just as careful.

 

But he tries. Tries to trust that there’s good in people. That not everyone is trying to hurt you. To take advantage of you. Because Gilbert is trying. So he’s going to try. 

 

“You’re scared, huh?” he asks, and Gilbert whimpers, nodding immediately, his breath hitching. 

 

“What if he wants something I do not want to give?” his twin asks, and Thomas feels his heart squeeze tight in his chest.

 

“As long as I’m around you, no one will ever make you do anything you don’t want to do ever again,” Thomas whispers, and he pauses, so he can look into his twin’s eyes. “Remember? I promised you, Gibby. No one,” he says, and Gilbert takes in a shaky breath, tears coming to his eyes.

 

“Hercules would not do that though, right?” he asks, and Thomas pulls him into his arms, sighing when he feels Gilbert’s arms wrap around him. “He’s...He’s going to be my friend right?”

 

“I don’t know,” he says honestly, and feels Gilbert shiver in response. “But you’re so brave giving him a chance,” he continues, because it’s true. 

 

His twin is so scared, and yet here he was, taking a step towards making a friend of a stranger that has all the power to hurt him. Because Gilbert is good, he’s so good, and if Hercules takes advantage, then Thomas will just have to make sure he never does it again. 

 

To anyone. His blood festers at the very idea.

 

“I like his work,” Gilbert whispers, and he’s pulling away and they’re walking again. Thomas hums, trying to check his breathing. He feels Gilbert’s hand slip into his, and he squeezes it gently.

 

“Tommy?” 

 

“Yeah?”

 

Gilbert falters, his breath hitching, and Thomas turns to him, tilting his head.

 

“Remember your promise?” he asks, and his voice is so soft, it sounded barely like a gasp. Thomas blinks his eyes slowly. 

 

Oh yeah. He promised. Unconsciously, he reaches for the scratch on his neck, closes his eyes. It stings.

 

_ Kid, you like this. You’re into this. C’mon, I have a full hour. _

 

_ Full hour? But he can’t breathe. He can’t breathe! It hurts. It hurts so much.  _

 

“Tommy? Tommy!” 

 

Thomas opens his eyes and finds Gilbert staring at him, his eyes large and scared. His wrists are being held in front of him, in Gilbert’s hold. Another one? What was happening to him? Something’s wrong.

 

He keeps getting pulled back. And he doesn’t want it. He hates it. He wants it to stop. It hurts.

 

“Tommy, I got you. You are okay, we’ll fix it,” Gilbert whispers, and Thomas feels tears coming to his eyes.

 

“I said that outloud?” he gasps, and Gilbert gives him a small, sad smile, pulling him into his arms. Just before he closes his eyes, he sees Alexander and John jogging back to them, and he clings to his twin, wrapping his arms around him as Gilbert kisses his cheek.

 

“Yeah Tommy, you said it outloud,” his twin whispers, and Thomas sobs, his resolve crumbling.

 

What’s wrong with him?

 

\---

 

“That was fun, huh?” Alexander says as he swings John’s hand back and forth as they walk. John looks back at him with a soft smile, and Alexander flushes red. John is so gorgeous, and he can’t help but smile when he smiles at him like that.

 

“Yeah, it was. You loved talking to James?” John asks, and Alexander grins, bouncing again as they walk. The twins are behind them, can hear their footsteps, almost in sync. It relaxes Alexander to hear it, he realizes, and he’s glad that he’s made friends with them. 

 

“Yeah, he writes these articles--mostly political! They’re liberal most of them time, which some conservative twists thrown here and there. Thomas likes those,” he says, rolling his eyes. “They’re not all political either. Social justice, lots of other stuff. He’s pretty fascinating,” he continues, before trailing off when he sees John just staring at his face.

 

“What?” he asks, a little nervous, and he feels John squeeze his hand, before smiling. 

 

“Nothing,” John whispers, tilting his head. “It’s just...when you get going. When you get passionate, it’s...I like seeing it. It’s beautiful,” he mutters, and Alexander feels himself melt. He stops, and steps towards John and kisses his cheek, smiling shyly when he sees him blush.

 

“What was that for?” John asks, pulling at his hand now, and Alexander gulps, biting his lip. 

 

“Just wanted to say thank you,” he mutters, and John nods softly, and Alexander watches as his eyes glance down to his lips, and steps closer. Alexander gulps, and squeezes John’s hand that’s still in his, taking a deep breath. 

 

_ “Tommy? Tommy!” _

 

Alexander blinks, and he turns back to the twins, and finds Laf facing his twin, holding onto his wrists, and shit he sounded so fucking scared. He turns to John and sees him smiling wryly, before stepping closer and kissing his cheek. Then he’s pulling Alexander’s hand like he didn’t do a thing and Jesus, god he was melting. 

 

“We’ll talk about it later, I promise,” he says to him, as they start to jog towards the twins, and Alexander turns to him, before nodding, because he can’t help but believe John. 

 

When they get there, Thomas is clinging to his twin, and Laf has his arms around his brother. Immediately, Laf relaxes when he sees John, coaxing his twin to let go, until they’re just hooking arms now, and Alexander stands by Thomas’ side, taking his other arm. He sees John doing the same to Laf on the other side. 

 

“Tommy, look. John and Alexander are here now,” Laf says, voice soft, eyes on his brother as they walk. “They’ll look after us, we’re fine,” he says, with such confidence that Alexander feels a tug in his chest. Whether or not Laf means it, it doesn’t matter, before Thomas is nodding in agreement, and Alexander can feel the tension seep out, even just by a little bit.

 

“That’s right. Remember Thomas? Remember what we said?” John says, and Thomas looks up, and Alexander feels his heart break. He had tears in his eyes and his neck had more scratches. That’s why Laf was holding onto his wrists. He scratched himself again. Alexander squeezes his arm as they walk, wanting to offer comfort. 

 

“The four of us,” Thomas whispers, and Alexander smiles, as John grins, nodding his head.

 

“That’s right. The four of us,” John replies, and Thomas sniffles, Laf reaching over to wipe away his tears. The whole thing breaks Alexander’s heart. It doesn’t help that he keeps remembering his parents’ words to him. About Thomas. About how he was when he was back home. Of the things he had allegedly did. He kept thinking about it, even when Thomas was animatedly talking to James, all the while holding onto his twin’s hand.

 

Such a devoted person can never be bad. There’s no way. 

 

“What happened?” Alexander asks softly, and Thomas bites his lip, gulping. 

 

“I can’t stop remembering,” he whispers, and then his face is scrunching up and he’s crying, and it’s after roll-call all over again. “I don’t want to remember and it won’t leave me alone,” Thomas sobs out, and when his eyes open again, they’re blank and that’s when he knows it’s bad.

 

God, Alexander can relate to that so much. He glances at Laf who looks like he’s drowning and scared and angry all at the same time. He can see John beside him, squeezing Laf’s arm like he’s doing with Thomas as he cries. Laf’s constantly reaching over, wiping away Thomas’ tears. 

 

This whole time they’re still walking back towards the dorm, and this is Alexander’s life now. He knows this is his life now, so he has to do his best to help. He lets out a deep sigh, gulping thickly afterwards.

 

“Maybe...Maybe you’re not supposed to forget?” Alexander whispers, and he feels Thomas tense almost immediately. Shit. Now that he’s said it though, he might as well finish it.

 

“I thought hiding things away and burying them would make things easier too. And trust me, it doesn’t,” he says softly. Memories of strong winds, of being cold, of nearly drowning was constantly at the back of his mind. “You and Laf probably didn’t have anyone telling you this, so let me tell you now. Or I’ll tell John and he’ll tell you, if you won’t listen to me,” he says, looking up and smiling weakly. John smiles back, and he sees Laf staring at him, feels Thomas’ stare burning the top of his head. 

 

“You told me you’re alright, and you probably think that because as I said, being alright is relative. To your own experience. If you’ve spent your whole life trying to convince people that you are, then you are going to think you are fine,” Alexander says, shrugging slightly. 

 

“I am fine though,” Thomas whispers, and Alexander squeezes his arm, wanting to be gentle, but at the same time real. 

 

“I’d like to disagree on that,” he says, softly, and looks up to find John and Laf nodding their heads. “And so do they,” he whispers, and when he finally looks at Thomas, he’s frowning, and then looking down. His neck is red now, so red from the scratch marks. He broke skin for some of them, and little prickles of blood were peeking out of the skin. 

 

“I am,” Thomas whimpers, and Alexander squeezes his arm. Laf’s shaking his head, reaching over and wiping away tears from Thomas’ face. “You’re crying right now, Tommy,” he whispers, and Alexander can’t help but feel so bad. Laf sounds absolutely heartbroken. 

 

“And in the room,” John says, and Laf’s eyes widen and he’s looking back at John, who shrugs. “Where he scratched himself the first time,” he says softly, and Thomas lets out a sob. Alexander squeezes his arm again. 

 

“In the bathroom too,” he adds, and Thomas lets out a whimper, and Laf’s shaking his head, wiping away his twin’s tears as they continue and it looks like Thomas is trying to stop, but Alexander knows how bad of an idea that is. 

 

“Don’t. Let it out, alright?” he whispers softly, and Thomas shakes his head wildly, and if his hair wasn’t up like his twin’s, Alexander knows he would’ve gotten a faceful of hair. “Really, Thomas. We’re here. Let us be here. Let Laf be here.”

 

“No,” Thomas says, and his head is still down, and Alexander looks up to find John looking incredibly worried. “I’m not the one that needs help. I need to be there for Gibby,” he gasps, and Laf shakes his head. 

 

“We can both be there, please,” Laf whispers, and he’s leaning in, pressing his forehead on his brother’s shoulder. They’ve slowed down now, barely walking. It’s going to take a while for them to get to their rooms. “I think...I think Alexander’s right…” he says, and he looks at Alexander as he says this, and Alexander feels pressure in his chest. Laf believes in him, trusts his words and it’s both gratifying and terrifying.

 

Thomas blinks, and he looks up, turns to his twin and he’s stopping. So naturally, they all stop. 

 

“W--What?” he asks softly, staring at Laf, his eyes widening at his words. “What do you mean?” he asks softly, and Alexander can tell that he’s afraid. 

 

Laf blinks, and then he bites his lip, and he looks like he’s struggling, taking a deep breath and letting it out shakily, tears forming in his eyes. He looks so vividly like how he was when he appeared in Alexander’s room alone, completely unaware that John and Thomas were not behind him.

 

“I...I…” Laf starts, and John’s rubbing his arm, and Alexander doesn’t have to hold him to know that he’s shaking. “I didn’t tell you...I haven’t told you anything b--because I...I was scared that you’d...I was…” he trails off, gasping, and John’s hushing him now, rubbing his arm. Thomas gulps and he reaches for Laf’s hand, squeezes it tight. Laf looks at his twin and takes a deep breath.

 

Alexander swears that there was some exchange there. Something important, because Laf’s trying. He’s trying and not falling and that’s...that’s amazing.

 

“You promised to talk…” Laf whispers, looking at his twin now, and John’s still holding onto his free arm. “I can...I can do the same. I think we...I..I just...so scared you’ll walk away when you find out what happened to me that whole time...” He sounds so disjointed and Alexander can see John looking worried now. Like he’s seen this before, like he’s witness Laf not make sense like this before. 

 

“Never! Gibby,  _ never _ !” Thomas whimpers, and he’s shaking his head again, and Alexander’s starts to stroke his arm, trying to calm him down because Thomas is shaking. Jesus. “I’d never walk away! I don’t...I would never, please,” he says, and he’s holding onto his twin’s hand so hard, can see his fingers going white. Laf sees it too, gently makes him let go, and grips his wrist instead. 

 

Thomas sobs, and bows his head, and Laf steps in close, and wraps his arms around him, John letting him go. Alexander lets Thomas go too, wraps his arms back around his twin.

 

“And I will never do that to you, Tommy,” Laf’s saying, and his voice is weak, small. “I won’t. I will never. Are you...Are you going to tell me what happened? Not all...not all at once...but some, please? We’ll work it out. We’ll work…” he trails off, holding Thomas tighter when he sobs louder.

 

“It’s different!” he moans out, and Alexander feels a pull in his chest, and suddenly he remembers what his parents said. And he wants them to be wrong. He wants them to be so wrong. He wants to have never heard their words, actually. Not have it colour his opinion of Thomas. “It’s different, it’s different!” Thomas repeats, and Laf shakes his head, and John’s stepping forward, hand on Thomas’ arm.

 

“Thomas? Thomas what’s different? What is it?” he asks, and Thomas is shaking, and he won’t stop, and Alexander’s so worried. It takes him awhile to stop, holding onto his twin so tight, and Alexander’s there too, trying to not cry, trying to be strong because he feels like he’s witnessing Thomas come undone after years of trying to be so strong. And he’s just...he’s just falling apart for them to see. 

 

Slowly he stops crying, he stops but he doesn’t let go of Laf, who doesn’t stop, who doesn’t stop trying. “What’s different Tommy? Why can’t you tell me?” he asks, and Thomas sniffles, avoiding all of their eyes. When he doesn’t say anything else, Laf sighs, takes his brother’s arm again, and starts to walk. Alexander’s breath hitches, and he follows, grabbing Thomas’ other arm, John doing the same to Laf.

 

For a good while until they get in the building, the only sound that Alexander could hear were footsteps, and his own heart beating hard in his chest. 

 

\---

 

Thomas never planned for this. This...this is not how it was supposed to go. The plan was simple: do everything possible to get back to Gibby. Everything and anything. No excuses. No such thing as too much work. No such thing as too much pain.

 

Get back to Gibby. Get back to his twin. Then never speak of what’s happened to him ever again.

 

He’s never planned for this. But really, he never planned for anything but this. And it’s as someone decided you know what, Thomas can take more. Let’s give him more.

 

So he finds Gibby chained on a bed by his ankles. Naked under a blanket, with the teacher that scared him all those years ago coming out of  _ his _ childhood bedroom naked. Because someone out there has a sick sense of humour and he couldn’t just get his twin back without anything else going wrong. So he breaks his hands, so he can break a face, and wishes he had killed a man. 

 

Then he spends the next two years trying to fix things. Getting Gibby away from home, running to their paternal grandparents for help in England, negotiating with the family on  _ both sides _ and  _ blackmailing  _ because  _ reputation is key _ . He secures everything for him and Gilbert so they financially never had to worry about a thing, makes one last trip to France, nearly loses him to some creep at the airport. And nearly loses him every single day they spend together, when Gilbert gets lost in his head and cries and hurts himself and refuses to say a single thing of what happened to him. In the end of it all, they make their way to New York. Because it’s not like they can ever go to Virginia with all Thomas had done during his time there. Things that his mother still refused to acknowledge or believe. And that was both a good and a bad thing. 

 

Good because he could do whatever he wanted.

 

Bad because  _ they  _ could do whatever  _ they  _ wanted. 

 

And no one will run to his aid. 

 

And no one did. 

 

So he never planned for anything to come through, to come out from there. It’s supposed to just be in Thomas’ head, and nowhere else. He never expected this. He never planned for this. For his twin to ask questions, to expect him to  _ tell _ . He certainly never planned for  _ friends _ to care.  

 

Unearthing it now, to make it known to someone else other than him alone sounds crazy. Scary. He’s so horrified. it made it so much more real that he knows that if he talks, if he  _ starts _ , every word that will come out of his lips will feel like a punch on his own gut. It kills, and he’s sure, he’s sure he’s not going to do well the moment they’re out. Thomas knows he won’t be alright when all of this is over, if he does this, and  _ that’s not okay _ . 

 

Because he has to be alright for Gilbert. He can’t be the vulnerable one. Not when Gilbert still needs his help. Because he knows that the moment someone else knows about what happened to him, he knows that his mind won’t be able to take it. To know that Gibby knows, that his twin knows exactly what he needed to do to get him back, it’ll break him. And he knows that his twin will break from that too. Because he would. He knows that if he found out that Gibby had to do what he did, that he let his mind break under the weight of it allt? God. 

 

Thomas wouldn’t be able to live with himself. But then again, maybe Gilbert won’t feel that. Maybe he’d feel that Thomas deserved it. He did leave him alone for those three years. Left him in the hands of that monster. Maybe he did deserve it in the end. 

 

And yet he’s still here, still considering it. Still considering telling him, because he had promised.

 

Oh god why did he promise? Why is he remembering? Why couldn’t he just forget?

 

“Do you want us to leave?” 

 

Thomas blinks, and his eyes widen. Oh right.

 

They’re in their dorm room, and Alexander and John are still there. Thomas is sitting on his bed, Gilbert right beside him, pressed close, holding his wrist, head on his shoulder. Waiting. Just waiting.

 

“Thomas?” 

 

Right. Thomas looks up and finds John staring at him, Alexander sitting at the foot of the bed, his hand on Gilbert’s ankle. “Do you want us to leave, Thomas?” he asks gently, and Thomas stares at him, and then looks at his twin. 

 

Gilbert’s eyes are blank, and he’s pale, and Thomas knows that if he goes through this promise, Gilbert might break, and he can’t...he can’t deal with that. 

 

“No...stay…” he starts, before biting his lip. “B--But if you don’t want to know,” he adds, because what if they don’t want to know? They’ve been through so much with them already, and if he burdens them further, it’s going to break this new friendship and Thomas finds him wanting them around. He needs them around. Sees how they are with Gilbert and knows that if they disappear, it’ll do more damage than good.

 

“I’m fine,” John whispers, and then he’s looking at Alexander, who nods shakily, smiling. 

 

“Me too,” he says, and he’s reaching over, squeezing Thomas’ ankle, and Thomas smiles weakly, before looking at his twin. “Gibby?”

 

“You don’t have to share everything...just...just one thing at a time. And I’ll do the same,” Gilbert whispers, and Thomas’ breath hitches. 

 

He didn’t plan for this. He hoped for it, but he didn’t plan for this.

 

“Really?” he gasps, and Gilbert nods softly, biting his lip. “I...I can’t give you everything all at once...but something...something...once in awhile…” he whispers, and Thomas nods softly. He can work with that. Right? He can work with that. 

 

“Take it slow,” Alexander says softly. “Talking about it doesn’t mean saying everything all at once. It takes time...how comfortable you are, and when. The fact you’re trying is enough.” And Thomas knows that he understands. Which means he’s gone through something that made him realize this fact. And it hurts to know that Alexander suffered like that.

 

He glances at John and finds him nodding as well, understanding in his eyes, and by god, it’s fucked up. This is not fair. John catches his gaze, and he knows that his friend knows what he’s thinking.

 

“The four of us, huh?” John says, and this time, it sounds bitter and angry and tired, and Gilbert lets out a bitter laugh, and Thomas sighs, and Alexander gives him a smile. 

 

“Just what you can, alright?” he says, and John’s nodding again, and Gilbert’s squeezing his wrist. “We’re here. We’ll get through it,” John whispers, and Thomas takes a deep breath, feels Gilbert kiss his temple as he nods, and closes his eyes, feeling his neck sting.

  
He didn’t plan for this, like always. But this time around, maybe he can work with what he’s given. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone wants to talk or anything at all, find me on tumblr: youcanttameourdemons.tumblr.com.


	17. in my memories, i fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They agree to start small, but it becomes larger than they can ever imagine when Thomas breaks further and reveals himself to his twin, and their friends, whether he wanted to or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your patience has been extraordinary. If you are reading this, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It has been a difficult time to write, and I've been trying for weeks to get this done. Now it finally is, and I hope that the next chapters come easier, but I have no idea. 
> 
> All I can say is thank you. Thank you so much for reading. To everyone that messaged me, thank you. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the next chapter, please be careful and heed the warnings. 
> 
> Thank you again.

They sit there for a good bit. The twins are just leaning against one another on Thomas’ bed. Sometime ago they moved, so Alexander’s actually wedged against Thomas’ side, just holding his free hand, head on his shoulder. The whole time John’s sitting at the foot of the bed and he’s massaging Thomas’ ankle, just above his socks. And has been since they lulled into silence when they all stopped talking.

 

Then John moves on and grabs Laf’s ankle, who was wearing no socks, and the twin flinches so harshly, he nearly kicks John in the face.”Oh shit, I’m sor--” John starts, looking down at Lafayette’s ankle, before his eyes widen. Laf whimpers, but John can’t stop staring. There’s scars on Lafayette’s ankles. Deep ones. They’re faded now, the skin long smoothed over with age, but it was clear just how deep they are. And there were multiple on top of one another. Like the first was given a chance to heal, only to have another be put on top, again and again until it stopped. It becomes very clear to John then what Laf told him yesterday. God it’s only Friday. Holy shit.

 

“John...please…” Laf whispers, and John looks up and finds Laf staring at him with wide, teary eyes. Then he shakes his head and looks down, biting his lip. Then it’s silent again and John feels like absolute shit.

 

“I want to make a rule.”

 

John looks at Alexander when he speaks and Jesus it's so clear to John that Alexander's doing his best to give them a smile, squeezing Thomas’ hand. “And everyone has to listen to my rule, okay?” Alexander continues, turning to look at the twins and they blink at him in unison. 

 

Alexander shakes his head when he waits a beat and they still don’t say a word. “No, you have to promise me that you’ll listen to my rule,” he says, and Thomas bites his lip, while Laf tilts his head sideways, like a curious cat trying to figure out something. 

 

“What rule?” Laf asks softly, and he’s gently nudging Thomas, who squeezes Alexander’s hand. Alexander smiles and then looks at John expectantly. 

 

“John? You too.” 

 

Him too? Why him too? “Uh...okay,” John whispers, after a moment, nodding. He doesn’t know why he does it, but if he’s learned anything since meeting Alexander, he just wants to keep saying yes to him. 

 

With a soft grin, Alexander nods. “Okay, the rule is, no matter what we share,” he starts, and John blinks at the “we.” So it’s not just the twins. Fuck, Alexander is really trying here. He glances at the twins and finds that they look confused for a second too, but Alexander doesn’t falter one bit, and continues. “No one will feel like it’s their fault. Especially you two,” he says, nodding to Thomas and Laf now. 

 

“But it is my fault,” Thomas says, almost immediately, and jumps when Alexander makes a buzzer sound with his mouth, shaking his head.

 

“Wrong answer, try again,” Alexander says, and Thomas frowns.

 

“But it--”

 

Another buzzer sound. But this time, it’s smaller, not as loud, half-hearted. And from Laf.

 

Thomas blinks, and looks at his twin, who’s giving him a small smile. “Stop, please? You didn’t know. And the whole time you tried to get to me, but you didn’t know what was happening,” Laf whispers, squeezing his twin’s hand.

 

“But..I should have been looking after you, and you’re my brother, you’re my twin and I didn’t look after you,” Thomas whispers, and there’s tears pooling in his eyes and John’s heart starts to break for him.

 

“Yeah, well,” Laf whispers, looking down, starting to play with Thomas’ hand with both of his, letting out a shaky breath. “I didn’t look after you either. And now I know that you needed it as much as I did you...so we’re in the same boat,” he continues, and John feels so proud of him.

 

Alexander does too, because Alexander is bouncing where he’s sitting, looking at Laf with wide, shining eyes. Adorable. Then he tugs at Thomas’ hand. 

 

“Please? Whatever happened while you were separated. Whatever happened while you were together and the other didn’t know, is not your fault, and not his fault, okay?” he says, and John goes and squeezes Thomas’ ankle, making him look up. John catches his eyes and gives him a small smile, nodding to him. 

 

“Thomas? At least try?” he says softly, trying to find a compromise between making a promise and not making it. “Try to see it from our perspective. We all know you weren’t there because you were in a different country. We understand why you weren’t able to help your twin. Just like we understand why Laf wasn’t able to help you either,” he says

 

Thomas looks up at him then, and this time, there are tears streaming down his face and Alexander’s reaching over and taking Thomas’ glasses for him. He doesn’t even protest, just leaning in slightly as Alexander wipes his tears away with a careful thumb, eyes sad. Then he pulls away, placing Thomas’ glasses on the bedside table.

 

“Tommy...please? I’ll try if you do, please,” Laf whispers, and he’s pressing his forehead against his brother’s shoulder, who lets out a shaky breath, before nodding, minutely. 

 

“O--Okay...Okay,” Thomas whispers, taking a deep breath, and John beams at him, Alexander grinning wide. Laf smiles softly from where he is, before leaning in further and pressing a kiss on his twin’s cheek. 

 

“Thank you, Tommy,” he whispers, and Thomas gives Laf a small smile, kissing his forehead. Then he presses his own forehead against Laf’s and for a moment they just stay like that, and John can’t help but think of mirror images, especially now since Thomas still has his hair up and doesn’t have his glasses on.

 

When they pull away, Laf turns to Alexander then, who smiles. “Whenever you’re ready,” Alexander says softly, smiling at the two of them. “Remember your promise. And take your time, and start small, if you want.” he says softly. 

 

John nods as well, and he catches Laf’s eye as he does. He gives him a small smile, feels his heart soar when Laf smiles back, before pressing his cheek against his twin’s shoulder. God, they’re stupid adorable. Why is everyone stupid adorable?

 

After a few moments, they’re back into sitting in complete silence again. Until Laf takes in a deep breath.

 

“I cannot sleep on my back,” he whispers, and he’s looking down on his lap, cheek still pressed against Thomas’ shoulder, even as Thomas turns to him. As does Alexander, but Laf doesn’t seem to notice, squeezing his eyes shut. 

 

“I cannot sleep on my back,” he repeats, back tense. “I cannot wake up with the ceiling as the first thing I see,” he whimpers, and he’s curling his legs towards him, wrenching his hand away from Thomas’ and grabbing his own ankles, hiding the scars, eyes going blank.

 

_ “Tommy found me chained on my bed by my ankles…” _

 

“Laf,” John gasps, but Laf’s not done. He’s far from it and he’s falling, hugging himself, Thomas’ hand on his shoulder now, trying to pull him in his arms but Laf is not moving. 

 

“He--He kept me on my bed with my ankles ha--handcuffed to the bed and it cut and it hurt and I couldn’t move and was always on my back and--” he gasps, and Alexander’s gasping, and John’s standing up, running to his other side and pulling him, almost forcefully into his arms and away from Thomas. He expects Laf to fight him, but instead, Laf starts to wrap his arms around John, and moves like he wants to get into John’s arms. He sits in front of him, and tucks Laf’s head into his neck, his hand carefully on his set on his back, just under his neck, not touching his hair. 

 

He hears a noise, but he can’t pay attention to that right now. All John knows right now is Laf, and he’s shaking. He’s shaking so much.

 

“Hey...hey! You’re with me, you’re with me. I have you, okay? Remember I carry it too, right?” John whispers, and Laf lets out a soft moan, his arms wrapping around John fully now, and he’s whimpering and clinging to him. Alexander’s right to ask if he can carry this. It’s heavy. So heavy because it’s not even the whole thing, but Laf trusts him and that should be enough. Right?

 

Thomas makes a soft sound again and John doesn’t have to see him to know that he’s hurt. That he hates the fact that his twin is getting comfort from someone other than himself. “Gibby…” Thomas whimpers, and and it’s immediately followed by Alexander’s wordless hushes, and yeah, he knows. He knows that Thomas is jealous and upset. 

 

He would be to. God knows he would be to, if he was in Thomas’ situation. But he doesn’t let go of Laf because Laf continues to cling to him, shaking. 

 

Then, Laf squeezes John for a quick second before he’s pulling away, and turning towards Thomas and Alexander and finds both of them staring at them. Thomas looks so sad and scared, and Alexander just looks so worried. Laf shakes his head and then wraps his arms around his twin, and Thomas immediately clings to him.

 

“I’m here...I’m here. I won’t make you sleep on your back, okay? No one’s going chain you down, okay? I’m here…” Thomas whispers, and John rubs Laf’s back as they hug, Alexander doing the same to Thomas.

 

“No one’s going to do that, and we’re all going to make sure. John and I? We’re both going to make sure too,” Alexander whispers, and Laf sniffles, pulling back from Thomas’ embrace, laying his head on his brother’s shoulder. At this point, John’s sitting in front of Laf, and Alexander’s beside him. So they can all see Laf’s face.

 

And he’s staring, brown eyes just staring right into theirs. John’s not stupid. He knows when someone’s trying to figure him out. And before, during everything, he would have been upset. He would have lashed out, cried, and yelled. But now, now he knows, especially coming from Laf, that it’s not malicious. Laf’s just trying to figure them out. If they’re lying.

 

“No ankle socks either?” Laf says, and they all blink. Even Thomas.

 

“Pardon?” Thomas whispers, and Laf bites his lip. 

 

“Ankle socks...they…” he starts, before he’s sticking a foot out, so it’s between all four of them. Then he’s circling his thumb and forefinger around his ankle, over the scars. “Feels like this. I don’t like it,” he mutters, and Alexander nods immediately. Thomas’ eyes widen, and then he bites his lip, nodding. 

 

John nods as well, his heart dropping slightly. Jesus. Such a simple thing. An aversion to a piece of clothing can mean so much more. Ankle socks? Fuck. It is a good start though. 

 

“No scarves.”

 

Thomas whispers, and they all turn to him now. His eyes are closed and his head is down, leaning into his twin, who looks up at him, eyes wide. 

 

“No scarves,” Thomas repeats, biting his lip. “No turtlenecks. No...no ties…” he whispers, gasping slightly, and his breath hitches. Alexander perks up, and immediately, he’s taking Thomas’ hand. 

 

“Thomas, hey. You’re okay. You’re here, you’re okay,” Alexander mutters, stroking his knuckles, touch feather light. John watches as Thomas whimpers, and takes another deep breath, and he’s squeezing Alexander’s hand, leaning into Laf’s touch as his brother reaches up and strokes his hair, tugging gently on a stray cork-screw curl that’s falling out of its ponytail. 

 

“Tommy?” he asks softly, and Thomas takes a deep breath, avoiding their gaze. 

 

“My mother cut me off when I started living with her. She didn’t give me an allowance, she just basically directed everything to the school, to anyone I had in contact with. But never to me. She knew what I was trying to do. That I was trying to save so I can go back to France,” he says, and Laf bites his lip, gulping. 

 

“So I took...odd jobs,” Thomas continues, and John’s heart starts to pound. “At first it was just running errands for people. Then it escalated to something more. I’m not dumb, I knew when I was carrying illegal materials, because it was always more urgent and it paid more,” he says, sighing. 

 

“I didn’t care, as long as it paid,” he says, and Laf freezes beside him, tears streaming down his face. 

 

“Tommy…” he whimpers, and Alexander’s reaching across, hand on his wrist. 

 

“Laf? Remember, okay? You weren’t there, okay?” he says softly, and Laf lets out a soft sound, but Thomas shakes his head, leaning into his twin, kissing his forehead. 

 

“I just needed to get back to you,” he whispers, and Laf lets out a sob, whimpering and he’s holding onto Alexander’s hand now, and John finds himself wanting to fix everything. God why can’t he just fix everything?

 

“What did you do, Tommy? What happened?” Laf asks softly, and Thomas sniffles. “I never used any of the drugs I was carrying. Rumours were flying about saying I was, and that I was stealing and I didn’t care. So I stole when I needed to, they already thought I was doing it. I needed to get it done so I can come back to you. I didn’t care what people thought. My Mama, she refused to acknowledge or believe anything. People would tell her that I was doing this, but she just...turned the other cheek,” he says, scoffing slightly.

 

John feels his blood boil for Thomas, seeing how his eyes are so sad as he talks about his mother. “Mama cut me off even more then, she basically ostracized me. Like they weren’t going to be true if I didn’t corroborate the information. So she ignored me. Just let me come home, but I wasn’t her son anymore in her eyes,” he whispers, and John feels a growl escape him before he can stop it.

 

“Why? Why would she do that?” John asks, and Alexander’s staring. Just staring. Like he knows something, but this is not the time. This is not the time to ask. 

 

“Reputation,” Laf whispers, and Thomas is nodding. “Our parents were still legally married when they left, although everyone knows that they’re not together anymore. Keeping up appearances. She’s untouchable…” Laf trails off, looking down.

 

“So I needed to fall in line. When I didn’t...well. She didn’t care for me anymore. And it was...it was clear that she didn’t care. I knew she was angry when she changed her name back to Jefferson, and made me change mine too,” he says softly, gasping. “She forced me. I didn’t want to be just Jefferson,” he whimpers, and Laf’s nodding, squeezing his hand. There’s quite a pause then, and no one forces Thomas to talk. Then he shifts, continuing. 

 

“It became clear that if anything were to happen, Mama would take care of it to keep the Jefferson name intact. It became an open invitation...for people to take advantage. So my odd jobs...started to pay more,” he mutters, sniffling. Then he’s shaking, John can tell, just by looking at him, at his hands that were still in Alexander’s. 

 

“What happened Tommy? What happened?” Laf asks, voice begging and Alexander starts to look worried, worried that it’ll shut Thomas down, and John is too, but at the same time, he gets Laf. 

 

“Thomas…? Are you okay to continue?” John asks softly, and Laf blinks, biting his lip now, making an effort to stop himself. Thomas takes a deep breath, and he whimpers.

 

“I was so close,” he gasps out, closing his eyes. “I nearly...nearly had all the money. Four years and I nearly had all the money. By that time, people just left me alone. Left Mama alone. So when one of my regular clients told me he’d give me more money if I let him do one thing, I immediately said yes, before I even knew what it was,” he whispers.

 

John’s heart freezes in his chest. Fuck. He stares at Thomas, tries to catch his eye but Thomas is looking down, refusing to look up, and John looks at Laf, and he’s crying. He looks at Alexander and he looks scared, eyes knowing. 

 

“Tommy?” Laf whispers, and Thomas gasps, eyes closing tight. 

 

“I thought he wanted me to do another delivery. Same thing as always, I come into his house, I get the stash, I leave. Or so I thought. He just...grabbed me,” he whimpers, and he’s reaching towards his collar, pulling at it, and John swears that he sees the exact moment they lose him. Because Thomas’ eyes go blank and he’s just talking. And telling them everything, as Laf grabs his twin and just holds him.

 

\---

 

This is more than he thought. Way more. Fuck. Fuck.

 

But he’s saying it. He’s saying it, words are out, and he feels the hands on his neck, squeezing, and he barely feels Gilbert grabbing at him, pulling him close. Away from the memory, but it doesn’t work.

 

_ “Let me go! What are you doing?!” Thomas screams as the man grabs him, literally hauling him by the waist towards the bedroom.  _

 

_ Thomas backs away from him as soon as the man lets go, and the back of his knees hit the bed and he falls on the mattress. He starts to scream when the man pins him on the bed, straddling him, his knees on either side of his stomach, and suddenly there’s a hand on his neck, squeezing.  _

 

_ And he can’t breathe.  _

 

_ Thomas gasps, eyes widening, hands reaching up, clawing at the man, trying to reach his face, scratching down his arms, his legs kicking wildly. The man just stares down at him, and Thomas feels himself fade, the lack of air making his head spin. He lets out a soft moan, and then suddenly, the hand is gone and he’s taking in air, gasping, coughing. _

 

_ And the man’s groaning on top of him.  _

 

_ “That was good, kid,” he whispers, and Thomas looks up at him, horror in his eyes.  _

 

_ “W--What?” he gasps, and he sounds hoarse, and the man just rolls his eyes. “Stop playing hard to get, kid. You already said you were cool with it,” he says, and Thomas swears he sounds bored. But there’s something in his eyes, and Thomas whimpers, shaking his head, his hands on his own throat.  _

 

_ “N--No! I thought it was going to be the same job, not this,” he gasps, and he’s trying to sit up, but the man pushes him down by his chest. Then his hand is slipping under his shirt, and he’s touching Thomas, making him scream, struggling hard against him. _

 

_ “No! Please, stop, don’t!” he screams, as loud as he can, which isn’t much because his throat, it feels so raw. The man simply grabs him by the neck again with his free hand that’s not currently touching Thomas, and leans in close.  _

 

_ “Kid, you like this,” he whispers, and Thomas whimpers, closing his eyes and shaking his head. He feels a finger stroke his nipple gently, and he gasps at the feeling, shivering. “No…” he sobs, and the man laughs, leaning in, licking the shell of his ear as he continues to stroke Thomas’ chest under his shirt as he sobs. The man shifts, and he feels like he’s going to throw up. The man’s hard against his stomach, pressing against him. _

 

_ “Shhh...you’re into this…” the man says, kissing his jaw now, and Thomas moves away, only to scream when the hand around his neck squeezes, yanking bank. Then he starts to squeeze again, this time pinching his nipple at the same time. “C’mon, I have a full hour,” Thomas vaguely hears and he sobs, until he couldn’t anymore from the lack of air. Then it repeats. Again, and again, as the touches increase to something more. So much more. And so the pain increases. His screams increase. And no one comes to his aid. No one. For a full hour.  _

 

_ “That was good, kid,” he hears the man says afterward, a soft pat on his cheek. “Now get the fuck out of my house.” _

 

_ And he does. He leaves the house, feeling scared and vulnerable, but not before getting paid. “Oh, one more thing,” he hears, and he turns to see the man grinning. The man gives him cash. So much cash. But not enough. Still not enough. And he doesn’t just hand it to Thomas. He makes Thomas beg, and Thomas, desperate, does. “Please, please,” Thomas sobs, and he’s not acting. He’s in pain and he just wants rest. He gets the cash. He walks, goes to the store on his way home. Thinks of telling his Mama. Thinks of asking for help.  _

 

_ But he knew in his heart that it wasn’t going to come, and so when the man calls again, he comes back. And it starts again. And again. And again.  _

 

_ Until there was enough. Until he had enough. _

 

\---

 

Laf is sobbing by the time Thomas is done. And so is John. and so is Alexander. They’re all sobbing. Because this is not small. They said start small, but it’s clear that Thomas needed more. He needed this to come out, whether he wanted it to or not. It’s not a matter of Thomas trusting them with this, but it’s desperation. Thomas is desperate for help. And this is him crying out for it. 

 

Oh god, his Mama was right. His Mama was right and he hates it. Alexander hates it so much. He hates it so much. 

 

They all saw the moment Thomas fell into the memory. John jumped from where he was sitting. Alexander held Thomas’ hand tighter. Laf cried out and grabbed his twin, held him, and then froze when he started talking. Like he’s narrating a story only he can see in his mind’s eye. And it was terrifying to watch, but Alexander holds onto his hand, keeps holding on. 

 

Doesn’t let go as he recounts what happened. How the man had taken advantage of him, choked him. Kept choking him. Sexually assaulted him, humiliated him. The tears didn’t stop, and increased when Thomas says that he wanted to tell someone. Tell his mom, and how he thought of asking for help. Of how he knew that no one would come, so he went back when the man called again.

 

How many more fucking times did this happen?

 

“Oh god, Tommy, Tommy,” Laf whimpers, and he’s grabbing Thomas’ face in his hands, looking into his blank eyes. “Tommy. Tommy come back, come back,” he sobs out, and he’s pulling Thomas into his arms, hand in his hair, crying into his shoulder. “Come back Tommy, come back, come back,” he repeats, again and again and Thomas doesn’t say a word, his eyes blank, for the longest time.

 

Alexander whimpers at the sight of him, and John reaches over, squeezes a hand over his knee. “Give him time, he’ll come back,” John whispers, and he sounds so reassuring that Alexander relaxes, even just a tad. 

 

Sure enough, after a couple of moments, Thomas comes back to himself, and he returns Laf’s hug, holding his twin loosely at first, before he’s holding him close and tight, and his eyes are closing, face now pressed against his shoulder. Laf cries harder at the gesture, but he pulls away after a moment to kiss his brother’s forehead. John’s smiling though, like he knows exactly that Laf is enough to ground Thomas at any point. 

 

“I’m sorry no one was there for you,” Laf whispers, and Thomas sighs, biting his lip, and looking down. And then he’s glancing at Alexander, and then at John. His face is pale, tears pooling in his eyes.

 

“I’m sorry too,” he says, biting his lip. “I couldn’t bring myself to talk to Mama. I just...I knew she wouldn’t care, and she didn’t,” he says, looking at Laf, who sighs, nodding. Alexander knows there’s something there, there’s an understanding. A story for another time.

 

“Did anyone reach out?” John asks softly, biting his lip. “You said you--you walked home after...did someone see you?” he asks, almost desperately, and Alexander can tell that he just wants to hear that at least someone cared. Someone. Anyone. 

 

Thomas’ eyes stare into John’s, and he bites his lip. “The first time, when they saw me, they just ignored me,” he says, and Alexander feels fire in his chest. Because what the fuck. “The last time...the last time...after in which I had enough, there was a woman,” he whispers, frowning slightly. “I knew of her. Everyone knew each other at some capacity then. She tried to talk to me...she looked so worried. I wasn’t hurt at that time, not like the first time. He didn’t...he didn’t…” he gulps, before letting out a bitter grin. “He couldn’t get it up so he didn’t,” he says instead, and Alexander bites his lip, but gives Thomas a smile. He has to give him that, he has to. 

 

“Small blessings,” John whispers, and Thomas laughs bitterly, face pale, holding Laf tighter when he whimpers. 

 

“Yeah...so I wasn’t hurt, but this woman...she still looked so worried. Like she saw something. She tried to talk to me, but I ran away from her. She knew my mom, everyone did, and I didn’t want her to say she saw me. It was the perfect time. I bought my ticket to France that day, and I left two days later,” Thomas continues, smiling sadly, voice a little weak.

 

Alexander stares at him, biting his lip. “Do you know who the woman was?” he asks softly, and Thomas shrugs. “I think...not sure. I think she was a lawyer. She was married to a young politician in town...didn’t really pay attention to all of that. But I remember my Mama not liking her. Apparently they had an altercation, and the woman called her cold. So Mama said she was a little different,” Thomas whispers, sighing. “She probably would have helped me if I let her…”

 

Alexander blinks, eyes widening a fraction and he looks at John to find him staring, but Alexander ignores him, for now. 

 

_ “I’ve interacted with her a couple of times, she’s very cold.” _

 

“She sounds like a nice lady,” Laf whispers, still holding Thomas, who sighs, shrugging, face still pale.He looks sick, and John’s already reaching over, feeling his forehead.

 

“I bet she was,” John whispers, focus on Thomas now, and his voice fades for a moment as Alexander bites his lip, thinking about his Ma. Thinking about Martha. 

 

“Yeah,” he whispers, convinced in his mind that it is indeed his Ma that tried. The only one that did. And he smiles, before leaning over to Thomas now, seeing how much John is frowning over his friend as Thomas’ eyes start to close. 

 

\---

 

“Tommy…” Gilbert whimpers, and John shakes his head, looking at him.

 

“Laf, he’s okay, let’s lay him down, okay? He needs rest, he’s just exhausted from the flashback,” John explains, and Gilbert bites his lip, looking at his twin who was shivering. Shivering so much, hands shaking. With a soft nod, he helps John lay Tommy down on the bed, curling up beside him, sighing when he feels his brother lean against him. 

 

“M’sorry…” Tommy whispers, and Gilbert’s shaking his head, and so is John. Alexander pops up behind Gilbert then, leaning over. 

 

“For what, Thomas?” Alexander asks, reaching over and he’s holding a damp cloth, wiping the sweat off Thomas’ forehead gently. 

 

“Didn’t start small…” he whispers, and John lets out a soft chuckle, shaking his head, Gilbert wrapping an arm around his twin’s waist, curling closer.

 

“Don’t worry about that,” Alexander says, shaking his head. He’s moving now, sitting just above Gilbert’s head, since Gilbert’s curled with his head on Thomas’ chest, feeling his heartbeat against his ear. “Thank you for telling us, now we know,” Alexander continues, and Thomas’ breath hitches. 

 

Gilbert knows that he’s berating himself. Because that’s what his twin does. When he does something that he thinks is an inconvenience to others, he silently berates himself. “Stop it,” Gilbert whispers, reaching over and grabbing Thomas’ hand in his, the same hand where John has his fingers on his brother’s pulse. But John doesn’t protest, and just moves with Gilbert. 

 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” Gilbert whispers, and the moment he says the words, he feels Alexander’s hand on his shoulder. “I’m not saying I’m sorry because I am of fault,” he says softly, and there’s no heat in his words. Alexander squeezes his shoulder, and Gilbert finds himself thankful when it stays. 

 

“I’m sorry because I wish I could have helped,” Gilbert whispers, and Tommy lets out a whimper, his free hand that was around him tightening slightly. “I wish I was there to make it easier...to make you less alone,” he adds, and Tommy gasps.

 

“Me too, Gibby. Wish I was there for you too,” Tommy whispers and Gilbert bites his lip, holding his brother tighter. 

 

“I know, I know…” he whispers softly, squeezing his hand. “Shh...I know. I know. I’m here now, and you’re here for me now. We did it, Tommy...we talked. It’s a start, it’s a start,” he mutters, and Gilbert half believes he’s babbling now, but he’s exhausted. 

 

Tommy sighs, and his chest rises under Gilbert, before falling erratically, and John’s leaning in, hushing him, and Gilbert trusts him, and Alexander to not hurt his brother. He knows he does because he doesn’t panic, doesn’t go to see what’s happening. 

 

“Didn’t start small though,” Tommy says again, and Alexander makes a soft sound. 

 

“You did though, Thomas,” Alexander says, and this time, Gilbert looks up at Alexander, not really sure where he’s going with this. He’s smiling at all of them, and then he’s turning his attention to Thomas, wiping his forehead with the cloth. 

 

“You and your twin both did,” he continues, and John blinks, before he’s grinning and Gilbert feels like they’re missing something. 

 

Then John’s moving his hand off Tommy’s hand so he can squeeze Gilbert’s, giving him a small smile. 

 

“No ankle socks for you,” he says simply, and Gilbert blinks, just as Alexander smiles at Thomas. “And no scarves or ties for you. No turtlenecks either,” Alexander adds. Thomas blinks at him as well, and Alexander shrugs, glancing at John.

 

“It’s a small, big step,” Alexander says softly. “And we’re fine with that, okay? This? This is just the start, and slowly, we’ll get there,” he says, and John squeezes Gilbert’s hand again, even though he’s looking at Thomas.

 

“You did well today,” John says to Tommy, before looking at Gilbert. “You both did,” he says, and Gilbert gives him a small smile. 

 

“You...you and Alexander can share, too,” Gilbert whispers softly, voice small, and John smiles, glancing at Alexander.

 

“Oh we will,” Alexander quips, and he’s laying the cloth on Tommy’s forehead now, whose eyes are closed completely. “But for another day. I think you both need sleep. You’re exhausted,” he says softly. And Gilbert knows he’s right. He feels it in his body. Feels it in Tommy’s as he holds him. “It’s only Friday after all.”

 

“Jesus it’s only Friday,” Tommy whispers, and he sounds ready to sleep. “Classes haven’t even started. How have you two not ran away yet,” he slurs out, and Gilbert knows that it’s directed to John and Alexander, who look at each other, before grinning. Gilbert shakes his head. “You guys are not real,” he whispers softly, and his twin chuckles sleepily under him, as he feels his own body slide into exhaustion. 

  
John laughs, sharing a look with Alexander  _ again _ as they grin, shaking their heads. “Yeah, apparently we’re surrounded by unicorns around here,” Alexander says, and Gilbert can’t even begin to piece together what that means, as he falls asleep, knowing that they’re safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please feel free to message me to talk or anything at all, find me on tumblr: youcanttameourdemons.tumblr.com.
> 
> Again, thank you. Thank you.


	18. reality of it all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John continues to be a rock, the twins talk and Alexander deals with everything that's happening around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience. It has been incredibly hard writing this, and with the break I took, and everything else that's been happening, getting this out...well. It's been difficult. And I am so sorry for making you all wait. I hope you enjoy it, and again, thank you. If you have time, please read the notes at the end of the story.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

 

Alexander blinks and looks at his phone as they walk down the hallway. Immediately, John is at his side, looking at him worriedly. “Alexander?” he asks, voice soft, and Alexander smiles, taking out his phone, showing him the alarm, and the message.

 

_11 PM. Both pills. 15 Minute Buffer. Refill. Try to Sleep._

“Huh,” John starts and Alexander laughs softly. “Yeah...” he mutters, pocketing his phone as they walk. He has to be detailed. Even to himself. It’s one of the things he realized while they were trying to figure this all out. Having the details of what exactly he needed to do at that hour helped ground him. Knowing what to do, knowing what needs to be done grounds him. Even as simple as trying to sleep.

 

“Well, let’s make sure you take it then, hm?” John whispers softly, before taking his hand and pulling him towards their dorm room. “Get changed into our jammies and then go back to the twins,” he adds, as they walk in, and Alexander sighs in relief, letting out a soft laugh again, sounding exhausted. Of course John is in the same page as him. John is perfect.

 

Oh god, what? He must be so tired.

 

“Can’t be away from them too long right now,” John says, and Alexander knows it’s almost to himself only, squeezing Alexander’s hand, and then leading him to his bed. Yep, John is a mind-reader, because he doesn’t want to be away from them. Not right now. Not for too long. Or one of them will wake up and their thoughts would be too loud and Alexander needs to be there to quiet it down for them.

 

Just like how his Ma and Pa used to do when all he could hear was the sounds of the hurricane.

 

So they left a note. Quite strategically and Alexander can only hope it works if they wake up before they can come back.

 

John’s sitting him down across from him, taking out his phone, and Alexander can see clearly that he’s taking out the notes he made about his puffers. “Okay, what’s the next two?” John asks Alexander, and he gulps, bowing his head and taking out the pill box.

 

“I don’t know,” he says in reply, because it’s true. He looks down, feeling slightly stupid, and a little ashamed. “I just know what they look like. I take them both at the same time because it’s easier…I…I have it somewhere on my phone, but I don’t…I don’t focus on what it’s called? I know it’s naïve and spoiled, but Pa and Ma always make sure that I have it so I never have to worry about what it’s called and I just keep the bottles with me too when I go away or…” he stops, gulping. God, he’s nineteen. Almost twenty. It’s foolish him to not know what his pills are called pf the top of his head. He knows his puffers, so why not this?

 

“Hey,” Alexander hears John whisper, and he shakes his head, refusing to look up. The shame is lingering in his chest, and it makes him want to whine and look for his Ma, ask for a hug, curl up in her arms and disappear under her words. She always made him feel so much better. Especially now, knowing what he knows about Thomas. He has no doubt in his mind that it was Martha that reached out to Thomas and tried to help him. Oh how he wishes that she was there right now.

 

“Alexander?’ John asks again and this time, Alexander looks up, and bites his lip. John’s looking at him with wide, imploring eyes. Hazel orbs just staring into his, face stark of freckles that were just everywhere, peppering John’s face’s face, and somehow, it illuminates him further. Jesus Christ, he’s writing poetry about freckles. Goddammit. Oh great, and now he’s smiling.

 

“Hey,” John whispers again, and this time he’s reaching for Alexander’s hand and squeezing it, touch soft but firm. Grounding. Grounding. Making sure he’s okay. Making sure that he knows where he is. That he understands where he is. He finds himself holding John’s hand back, squeezing, but it’s clinging. Desperate. But John’s doesn’t falter. He goes with it, and gives him another soft smile. “Talk to me. I don’t care if you don’t know what it is. You said you keep the bottles with you, right?” he asks, and Alexander nods, barely.

 

“Just in case I need to tell someone. I also have photos of the labels on my phone,” he whispers, and John tugs on his hand, stopping his thoughts.

 

“Then that’s perfect enough. You knew what was missing and you made a contingency plan. That’s it. Okay? Can I see you refill it?” John says, and the whole time his voice is soft, patient. Alexander’s nodding and reaching under his bed without protest a second later. He takes out a box and lays it on the bed, then takes off the lid. Inside were two bottles and a tiny black notebook.

 

“I have copies of my prescriptions in there,” Alexander whispers, nodding to the notebook as he grabs both of the bottles, and John makes note of them on his phone, before taking a photo of the labels themselves, as well as the pill, through the bottle. After he’s done, he hands it to Alexander.

 

“Here,” John says to him softly, and he’s handing him a water bottle. Where he got it, Alexander can’t even think of right now. Because really, John’s magic. He wouldn’t be surprise if he just conjured it out of nowhere. So Alexander takes both of his medication at the same time, and then fills out the pillbox in his hand. John doesn’t say anything, just watches him the entire time without another word.

 

“All done,” Alexander says after a moment, looking down at the pillbox. It’s a singular one, just for the day. It works better for him than the weekly one. Gives him more of a routine. He doesn’t look up at John, shame still set hard in his chest.

 

Suddenly, he sees a hand reach for his, and he bites his lip, putting his hand in John’s, and looks up and finds him smiling at him.

 

“Hello, Alexander,” John whispers, and Alexander stares at him for a moment, and then he’s just leaning in. But before he can go any further, he feels John’s lips against the corner of his lips, and he feels his face heat up immediately, a soft gasp escaping him, a warm feeling in his chest. John pulls away as he does, eyes widening. But then he breaks into a soft smile, maybe because Alexander’s face is split in a grin. He’s sure. He can feel it literally splitting his face.

 

“What’s that for?” he asks, voice soft, and he’s holding John’s hand and his palm is so soft against his. John’s just soft in general, and warm, and Alexander wants to keep holding him.

 

“Just for…I wanted you to know I’m here,” John says softly, leaning in again, and this time, there’s a soft kiss on his cheek, and then he’s pulling Alexander in, arms around him and just holding him. He feels a soft sigh escape him and he melts against John’s body, his chin on his shoulder, hands clutching the back of his shirt now.

 

“I’ve never met someone so eager to help anyone,” he hears John say, voice almost echoing since his lips are so close to Alexander’s ear now. “The way you help them…you help the twins, I just want to thank you,” he says softly, squeezing Alexander now, and he smiles.

 

“You help them too.”

 

John shakes his head, and then he’s pulling away, his hands grabbing both of Alexander’s now, setting them in between them. “I’ve been where they are,” John says, and his voice is soft, but this time it was heavy. Burdened. “That’s my secret. I know what it’s like to be hurt by someone you’re supposed to trust. And I know what it’s like to have no one there to help you,” he says, and Alexander feels tears well up in his eyes, and he whimpers.

 

It’s not fair. First Laf. Then Thomas. And now John. Why are they all so hurt? And why did no one help them.

 

“I’m sorry,” he sobs out before he can help it, and John looks, shaking his head, and reaching to wipe away his tears, his touch so soft and gentle. How could someone so hurt someone like John? Like Laf? Like Thomas? “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry,” he continues, and soon, John’s pulling him into a hug, rubbing his back.

 

“You care so much already,” John whispers, and Alexander clings to him, sobbing louder at his words. “Thomas said the same thing,” he gasps in reply. “And I don’t care. I do. I don’t care, and I want to help. I want to, let me help,” he whimpers, and John just holds him closer, his hand rubbing on Alexander’s back. Then he’s pulling away, wiping away his tears and kissing his forehead.

 

Then John’s just staring into Alexander’s eyes, stroking his cheek. “You are helping. Okay? You care. You care, and even that gesture alone is more than what I ever got in a long time. So much more than anyone has ever cared for me, for Laf, and for Thomas. Okay? Don’t forget it,” he says, and Alexander doesn’t understand how John is so _good_. He sniffles, and watches as John takes his pillbox and puts it in his hand, curling his fingers around it.

 

“Let’s get back to the twins,” Alexander says, and John nods, helping him up and wiping his tears away. He doesn’t let go of his hand, and instead, intertwine their fingers together, as they make their way back to the twins’ room.

 

\---

 

When Thomas wakes up, the first thing he sees is pink. Bright, neon pink.

 

A sticky note, right on his glasses on the night stand. And since he’s turned on his side, it’s the first thing he sees, and he reaches for it, blinking.

 

_Just refilling my pillbox! John and I will be back soon! We’re sleeping over! – A._

Thomas stares at the note for a little bit, and then looks down. Gilbert’s still cuddled against him, his head against his chest, face buried tight against it. His hair is still pulled back in a tight ponytail, and he sighs, before laying back on the bed, hand gently stroking his twin’s shoulder as he stares at the ceiling.

 

God, what had he done?

 

Two days. Not even a full two days and he has shared more than he ever has with anyone. To two people who are practical strangers. To his twin, even though he promised himself that he’s never to find out. Because it’ll break his twin. It’ll break him, and it’ll hurt and it’ll all be Thomas’ fault. Because Gilbert didn’t ask him to do all of those things to get to him, but he did it. And he will never blame his brother. He wanted to get back to him, so he did it for his own selfish needs. Gilbert had no fault it what happened to him.

 

So for him to burden him with this knowledge? It’s not fair to Gilbert, and Thomas feels like scum for it.

 

“I’m sorry Gibby,” he whimpers softly, tears streaming down his face. “I’m so sorry,” he gasps, closing his eyes. He feels his twin move and his eyes shoot open and he looks down.

 

Gilbert’s not looking at him, but his eyes are closed tighter, and he’s squeezing Thomas tighter as well, tears streaming down his cheeks. “I can’t,” Gilbert sobs out, and Thomas hushes him, trying to sit up. “Gil? What is it, what is it?” he asks, voice shaky.

 

“I can’t. I promised Alexander I won’t feel bad but I can’t,” Gilbert whimpers, and Thomas freezes, his biggest fear coming to life. This is the reason why he didn’t want to say anything. Why he never wanted to say anything. He sits up completely and pulls his twin in his arms.

 

“Shhh…Gibby, it’s not your fault, please,” Thomas whispers, kissing his twin’s temple, and Gilbert sobs softly, wrapping his arms around Thomas’ neck, clinging to him. Gilbert doesn’t say a word, not for a long time, just sobbing softly in his arms as Thomas holds him.

 

“You did all of that to get to me…how is it not my fault?” he hears his twin ask after a while and Thomas breath hitches, gulping. “Because you didn’t ask me to do it. I did it because I wanted to get back to you. It maybe someone’s fault, but it’s not yours,” he whispers, kissing his forehead, and pulling away, wanting to look at him.

 

Gilbert’s a mess, with his face pale and tears down his cheeks, and Thomas wipes them away with his thumb. Then he leans in and presses a kiss on his forehead.

 

“Because I needed to get back to you. I wanted to get back to you, whether you needed me to or not,” Thomas whispers softly. “Even if I found you floating on rainbows and butterflies, I would not regret what I did,” he says, before pulling him back in his arms. “Okay? I did it for me as much as I did it for you. I wanted you back. I wanted my twin back, and I was willing to do anything, consequences be damned.”

 

“But you’re hurt. You’re hurt this whole time and all you’ve done is help me,” Gilbert sobs, and Thomas closes his eyes, holding him tighter, feeling his twin’s fingers dig into his back.

 

“I have no regrets, Gibby. I…I needed to protect you. And I’m sorry for this…I never wanted you to find out,” he says honestly, and Gilbert sobs harder. “I’m so sorry.” God, Gilbert’s shaking so much and Thomas just wanted it to stop. Then he feels his twin pulling away, and looking up at him, before sitting up so he’s looking at him straight.

 

“I’m glad I know,” his twin says, face crumpled in pain and sadness and Thomas just wants it to stop. He hates it. He hates it so much. “Especially since you didn’t want me to know,” he says, gulping. “I’m glad to know because now I can be there for you,” he says, and he’s squeezing his hand, and Thomas feels his resolve crumple further. “You don’t need to be the strong one all the time. Let me help you,” he whispers, and Thomas gulps, staring into his twin’s eyes.

 

“Will you let me help you?” he asks, after a beat. Or ten. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t care. He watches as Gilbert freezes for a moment, and looks down. “Please let me in…let me in, please,” Thomas begs, and a soft whimpering sound escapes him before he could even help it.

 

Because Gilbert’s gone through this since he was little. Thomas only had to deal with it a few times when he was seventeen. And he could count it in one hand how many times it happened. The opposite can be said about his twin, and he hates it. He hates it and he wants to help.

 

“I still feel bad,” Gilbert finally says, and Thomas shakes his head. “Let me finish,” his twin says, tugging gently on his hand, before letting go and soon his hands are on Thomas’ wrists, squeezing there gently, and he sighs. “And I think…no matter how much I promised I won’t, I will feel bad. Just like you do about me,” he says softly, and Thomas nods. Because it’s true. He can promise to not feel bad. Doesn’t mean he won’t. It’s hard. It’s so hard not feel bad about what happened to Gilbert.

 

He’s felt guilty since he let himself be pulled away from him that day. He can still hear Gilbert’s voice screaming out for him as they dragged him into the car.

 

“I know…I know I’m a mess,” Gilbert continues, and Thomas shakes his head, pulling him close, pressing his forehead against his twin’s, who smiles sadly, closing his eyes. “I am. I get…I get lost. You know I do. And when you are not around, I am so afraid. I get lost, and I am afraid that when I come back you will be nowhere near me, and be gone again,” he says, voice trailing off into a whisper, and Thomas knows he’s thinking about the man in the airport. That was a living nightmare. To see his twin being led away by a man, his eyes blank and teary, but his movements complacent. It remains to be one of the most horrifying things that Thomas has ever witnessed. He shakes his head of the memory and sighs.

 

“I’m a mess too,” Thomas whispers, and Gilbert lets out a soft bitter laugh, tears in his eyes. Thomas smiles as well, leaning in again.

 

“I get lost too,” he continues, and Gilbert nods softly, because it’s true. They’ve witnessed it. All of them. Gilbert. John. Alexander. Witnessed him get lost.

 

“But you came back to me,” Gilbert whispers, sniffling. “You always come back to me,” he continues, voice down to a croak, breaking. “You do anything to come back to me…” he gasps, and he’s shaking, and Thomas nods, movement erratic, starting to shake as well.

 

“And I’ll do it again and again. So please, please let me help you. Let me help you,” he whispers, and Gilbert sobs. “Gibby, please let me help you,” he begs. Because no matter the pain, no matter what kind of pain and humiliation he has to go through, he’ll do it again and again for his twin.

 

“Will you do the same? Will you let me help you? Please…it can’t be how it was the last two years. I’ve been…so selfish,” Gilbert starts and when Thomas shakes his head, his twin just shakes his head even harder.

 

“I have! I have been, and I cannot be anymore. I knew…I knew you were hiding something from me, but…but these…these things…these…my…I am so messed up that I let you coddle me. I’ve been missing you for so long that I just wanted you to hold me the entire time, and I am so sorry,” Gilbert sobs, and Thomas shakes his head, pulling his wrists now to wrap his arms fully around his twin again, stroking his back.

 

“There’s no need. I wanted to do all of that,” Thomas says softly. “I wanted to do that, and more. The last two years…all I ever wanted was to help you. And…” he stops, shaking his head, voice breaking. “And in two days, two practical strangers have been able to do more than me,” he says, and it’s hard for him to not feel bitter. Because for two years he had not be been able to get his twin to open up, and in two days, John and Alexander were able to do it. To both Gilbert, and himself. How is that fair?

 

“It’s because John’s a unicorn.”

 

Thomas looks up, and finds Alexander and John standing at their door, closing it behind them already. How did he not hear them come in? John’s shaking his head at Alexander’s words, and watches as Alexander bounds over to the bed and sits at the corner, looking at Thomas, and then at Gilbert. Then he’s jabbing his thumb back towards John, who rolls his eyes.

 

“He’s not real. He’s a unicorn. Does things that doesn’t make sense,” Alexander says, and his voice is down to a stage whisper, and Gilbert lets out a soft laugh in Thomas’ arms, and he wants to kiss Alexander for it.

 

John takes that moment to walk over to the bed, and shake his head, sitting down beside Alexander. “In all honesty though, this,” he says, voice soft, motioning towards Thomas and Gilbert. “Has been bubbling for a while. Probably. And myself and Alexander just happened to be here,” he says, shrugging his shoulders easily and Thomas blinks.

 

“It just comes naturally to you, doesn’t it?” Thomas whispers. “Knowing what to say, helping people,” he adds, and Gilbert’s nodding his head in agreement. John flushes red and ducks his head, hand coming up to rub the back of his neck as Alexander beams beside him.

 

“I told you…it’s who I am,” John whispers, and Thomas remembers their conversation, before nodding softly. Then he’s looking down at his twin again, vaguely seeing Alexander and John watching them.

 

“Gibby?” he asks softly, and Gilbert looks up. “Will you let me help?” he asks again, and Gilbert bites his lip, gulping.

 

“Only if you let me help,” his twin replies after a short while, and Thomas feels his heart warm for a moment. “And if you give me time,” Gilbert adds, and Thomas nods, movement faint, because it’s a start. It’s a start and he’s finally getting somewhere and he’s so glad. He pulls his twin in his arms without a word, feeling overwhelmed and Gilbert makes a soft sound, before sighing softly.

 

“Je t’aime,” Gilbert whispers, and Thomas kisses his forehead.

 

“I love you too.”

  
\---

 

“Are you sure?”

 

Alexander sighs.

 

“For the last time, Thomas, yes, I’m sure,” he says, voice exasperated, and he squints at Thomas as he glares. "That doesn't work on me Thomas, you're practically wearing a onesie," he says, crossing his arms, as he stares at his friend who is now in his pajamas in his bed, Laf’s already half asleep beside Thomas, watching the two of them. “Your twin is nearly asleep and has accepted the fact that I am sleeping here with John. We are fine,” he says, and Thomas blinks.

 

“Why?” he asks, and Alexander pauses, before sitting back and looking at the two of them. “Because you’ve had a hard day. You talked about things. And from my experience, when you talk about things, and usurp it like that…” he trails off, and Laf’s gulps.

 

“Nightmares,” the twin whispers, and Thomas freezes, before biting his lip.

 

“Oh.”

 

Alexander’s eyes soften then, and he walks to the bed, sitting beside Thomas. “Look,” he says, voice soft, just as John walks into the room, after finishing up his turn in the bathroom. “I know I made all of us promise that we won’t feel bad,” he starts, looking into his eyes, and then turning to Laf and doing the same, and he’s glad to see that they meet his gaze. “But I know that it’s a tall order. And you will feel bad. For a long time. And I know what happens when you talk about your experiences. It gets harder, before it gets easy,” he says, and Laf takes a deep breath.

 

“So you’re watching over us?” he asks, and Alexander smiles, nodding. Laf stares at him, and bites his lip.

 

“No one has watched over me but Tommy before,” he whispers, and Alexander’s eyes grow sad. “Are you going to watch over my twin, Little One?” Laf continues to ask, and his voice is starting to slur, clearly sleepy.

 

“Yes. I promise, Laf. John and I are here for you two. Remember? The four of us?” he asks, and Laf smiles, eyes closing.

 

“Merci,” he whispers, and Alexander nods softly. “il n’y a pas de quoi,” he says in reply as Laf slides into sleep. Then he looks up and finds Thomas staring at him.

 

“Go to sleep, Thomas,” he says to him, after a moment, and Thomas’ breath hitches, looking at him, and Alexander knows he’s trying to figure him out, and he can’t blame him. There's doubt there, he can see. And knowing what he knows now, of course there's doubt. If he was Thomas, he doesn't know if he can ever trust another human ever again. So he's probably thinking that this? All of this kindness, his _friendship_ , is too good to be true. He knows it, and that just makes Alexander want to work harder to help him. “We’ll be here in the morning. We can grab our books together,” he says, and Thomas just keeps staring at him, before nodding, and sliding into the bed, and turning to face his twin. Then, Alexander watches, almost in fascination, as they slot together like perfect puzzle pieces, mirroring one another as they hold each other in their sleep.

 

“Alexander?”

 

With a blink, he looks up and finds John staring at him, a small smile on his face. “C’mon. You need sleep too,” he whispers, and he’s taking Alexander’s hand and leading him to Laf’s bed. Which is still made. Like it’s never been used. Until now. “Get in, I’m going to grab the lights,” John whispers, voice soft to not disturb the twins, and Alexander nods, getting into bed, and laying on his side, staring at Thomas’ back.

 

It’s not fair. It’s not fair. He wants them okay. He wants everyone okay. He wraps his arms around himself, and takes a deep shaky breath, closing his eyes just as the lights disappear and as tears start to well up. He feels John slip into his side of the bed, and before his brain he can tell him otherwise, Alexander turns around and burrows himself into John’s side, and he feels his arm wrap around him, and a soft kiss on his forehead.

 

“We’ll be alright, Alexander,” John whispers, as Alexander lets out a shaky breath.

 

“You’ll see.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those who follow me on tumblr, you'd know that I recently came across works that similar to mine, but one of them was so similar it actually...hurt. I have long since had a conversation with the writer, so everything, I hope, will be okay. But just know that I try /very/ hard to write this story. All these details, all of the little nuances in here, they come from me. The difficulties that the characters are going through come from somewhere. This story holds my heart, in a very special way. This story leaves me vulnerable. So when I see things like that...it hurts. A lot. So I just want to take the time to let everyone know: please keep in mind the many writers like myself who put themselves out there. Value their work. Acknowledge when it's due. Credit when it's due. And if not, at least have a conversation. It makes a world of a difference.
> 
> tumblr: youcanttameourdemons.tumblr.com


	19. interlude i: sister, know i love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A reprieve for the boys, as we finally see Eliza come home to Peggy.
> 
> As always, please heed the warnings.

Recently, coming home for Eliza means it usually starts with her taking deep breaths in the car, with Ray watching over her. Making sure she doesn’t go into one of her panic attacks. Before, when she was younger, they were quite infrequent, and completely disappeared as she grew up, with her father and sisters guiding her, and helping her find her place in the world. After the last year though, they came back, in full-force, and she’s still trying to get used to it again. And they’re getting close to home now, so she feels it sitting in her chest.

 

_Calm down, Betsey. You got this. You got this._

 

And she does. Of course she does. She has to. She needs to.

 

“Dear? Are you alright?” Ray asks from the driver’s seat, and immediately, Eliza looks up at him with a soft smile, looking at him from the rearview. No matter how old they got, Ray never lets them sit at the front, regardless of the situation. If it’s all three of them, he just makes sure that he gets the bigger car. But he never lets them sit at the front. It’s safer, he’d always tell them. It’s one of Ray’s little nuances, and it shows just how protective he is.

 

Eliza still remembers the time when Angelica made a fuss, because she didn’t want people to think that he’s only their driver. Because he’s not. Ray’s much more than that. He takes care of them with their father’s not around. He helped Eliza learn how to ride a bike down the street. He would follow Angelica around the bookstore and anywhere else in the mall with a smile, making sure she got everything she needed. He would sit with Peggy and read with her, whenever she asked. So Eliza knows where Angelica’s coming from, and Ray just smiled that kind smile of his, the one so much like her father’s, took Angelica’s face in his hands, and kissed her forehead.

 

“I know what I am to you, my dear. And you never gave me a reason to doubt it,” he had said. “So it doesn’t matter what others believe me to be to you.”

 

And that was the last time any of them said anything about it. Now it’s just fact.

 

“I’m fine, Ray,” Eliza says, finally, and Ray hums in response, nodding softly.

 

“Did something happen on your first day?” he says, after a beat, and she bites her lip, and immediately she remembers Lafayette. Remembers the look on Jefferson’s face, how Lafayette’s face broke in front of her eyes, in front of everyone’s eyes. How everyone reacted. How she _didn’t_ react. She lets out a shaky breath and sighs softly.

 

“There’s a new student…he just…reminded me of Peggy,” she whispers, and glances over to Ray, whose features are schooled, but his eyes. His eyes are always expressive. And when she mentions Peggy, they grow a little sad, glassy. “And I just…I could’ve helped more. But I didn’t. I made him feel bad. And I just…I wanted to be with Peggy. I want to make her feel better,” he whispers, and Ray nods softly.

 

“I’m sorry that happened, Ms Eliza. I’m sure that if you talk to the young man, he’d understand that you didn’t mean to make him feel that way,” he says, eyes on the road. “With who you are as a person, it’ll be hard for anyone to not, at the very least, listen to what you have to say.”

 

“What do you mean?” Eliza asks, her voice soft, head tilted slightly to the side in confusion, brown eyes wide as she looks at Ray through the rearview mirror.

 

“You exude kindness. It’s your very soul, and it walks beside you every step of the way,” Ray says, and Eliza bites her lip, looking down softly. It’s not the first time that people have told her that. Her sister tells her that all the time. All the time. She bites her lip and sighs softly, looks down. Kind or not, it didn’t help anyone. It didn’t help Peggy.

 

“Ms Eliza,” Ray starts softly, and Eliza closes her eyes, knowing what’s coming. “Ms Eliza, I will tell you until I have no air in my lungs that what happened is not your fault. It will never be your fault. To say it is your fault is to say that it is Ms Angelica’s fault. That it is Ms Margarita’s fault,” he says, and Eliza immediately shakes her head fiercely, her hands clenching into fists on her lap.

 

“No, no, no. Angelica didn’t do anything wrong! She didn’t know. And Peggy didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t!” she cries out, and Ray doesn’t say a word for a long moment. At least, it feels long for Eliza.

 

“Then it’s not your fault, either. Ms Eliza, I implore you to give yourself the chance to accept that. That’s all I can ask. Try, okay? For all of us?” he asks, voice soft, and as always, Eliza doesn’t say a word. She doesn’t nod. She just sits there in silence, and blames herself.

 

It takes them another ten minutes before Ray tells her that they’re home, and she mutters her thanks, voice teary, and her face pale. She just wants to wrap her arms around her baby sister, and hold her all night. She knows that her father will understand. He always does.

 

She gets out of the car, vaguely seeing Ray give her a soft, kind smile, and immediately makes her way inside, politely saying her hellos to anyone who cared to greet her, focused on her destination. She just wants to go to her room. Because she knows Peggy’s not in her room. She hasn’t stayed in her room since it happened. When she gets to the door, Eliza takes a deep breath and knocks gently, before opening the door.

 

And sure enough, Peggy is on her bed, just sitting in the middle, surrounded by Angelica’s books.

 

“Peggy? Hi baby girl.”

 

Eliza smiles softly, walking over to her bed, looking exactly like how she left it, if not for her baby sister nesting in the middle. She makes sure to do so slowly, trying to catch her gaze. She's staring blankly at the book on her lap, her hair in a tight bun high on her head. “Peggy?” she calls again and this time, Peggy looks up, and her eyes widen when she sees Eliza there. Then suddenly, Peggy’s moving, scrambling towards Eliza.

 

“Betsy? Betsy’s home?” Peggy whispers, and Eliza’s eyes close as she wraps her arms around her sister. Her baby sister.

  
“Yeah, Betsy’s home, Peggy. I’m home for the weekend,” she says, and immediately, Peggy whimpers, shaking her head, burying her face into her neck for a moment, her breath wet, teary.

 

“No, stay with me. Stay with me, please?” Peggy asks, and her eyes are wide and teary as she looks up again. Eliza frames her face with both her hands, kissing her forehead.

 

“I wish I can, but I have to go to school, okay? Next year, you’ll join us, but right now, I’ll try to be home as much as I can,” she promises, and Peggy sniffles. Because she did. She wanted to take a break, to stay with Peggy, but she told Angelica that she’s going to go to school. Go finish her junior year. Then Peggy will be there next year. She feels Peggy sigh against her, before she’s leaning in for another hug, and Eliza holds her close, gentle hand stroking her back, sighing softly.

 

“I missed you Peggy,” she says softly, and glances up the door to find their father staring at them, his eyes sad. Eliza can’t help but think how much older their father looks now, and she closes her eyes, before taking a deep breath. Then she pulls away as she opens them again, framing Peggy’s face in her hands again.

 

“How are you? How are you feeling, Peggy?” she asks softly, and Peggy sniffles, looking up. Her bottom lip worried and bitten, and there’s a cut. All chapped and dry. Her face is pale, almost grey, and her eyes are red-rimmed from crying. “Shhh...don’t do that,” she says softly, as Peggy starts to chew on her lip, kissing her forehead. “Now, can I sit with you?” she asks softly, and Peggy nods, making a room on the bed so that Eliza can cuddle against her side, and she finds herself grabbing one of Angelica’s books. Even though their big sister isn’t there, being surrounded by her things definitely made her feel at ease. She lifts her arm as Peggy leans in, pressing against her side, head on her chest, arms immediately around her middle. 

 

“Betsy, please don’t leave me,” Peggy begs, and Eliza starts to stroke her forehead, careful not to disturb her hair. “I want you and Angie to be with me here so Daddy can make sure we’re okay,” she whimpers, and Eliza bites her lip, glancing at her father whose eyes are now glassy.

 

“Baby girl you know I have to go back. Just a little more patience, okay?” she whispers softly, and Peggy sighs shakily against her chest.

 

Soon, they lull into silence, and after a long moment, Eliza lets her eyes linger to the door, finds their father still there and she finally gives him a small smile, and he returns a soft one as well, just watching them with gentle eyes, and Eliza can’t help but think that if she exudes kindness, her father exudes guilt. She can’t imagine the pain that he’s feeling every time he sees Peggy. Eliza can still vividly remember how her father screamed out his grief while Angelica held him after all that happened, her big sister sobbing, feeling just as guilty and muttering apologies for something she had no fault in. She looks away from him when she feels Peggy shift, and turns her gaze down.

 

Peggy’s staring at the wall in front of her, worrying her lip between her teeth, breaking the sensitive skin, spotting it with blood. She starts to sit up and shakes her head. “Hey Peggy,” she starts softly. “Please don’t do that. Talk to me, what do you want, hm?” she asks. “Penny for Peggy’s thoughts?” she says, voice light, and Peggy stops for a moment and there’s a hint of a smile. A hint of her bright, happy sister under it, and as quick as it comes, it disappears as Peggy sighs and Eliza misses her so much.

 

“Can I cut my hair?” she asks softly, and Eliza blinks, frowning a little. Her hair? Peggy loves her hair. She never wanted to cut it, never did anything to it at all, just let it grow, letting them free, her wavy, soft curls framing her face. For her to cut it now, it comes as an abrupt shock to Eliza. “Your hair? Peggy...you love your hair,” she starts, and Peggy takes a deep breath. The moment she does, Eliza knew that she said the wrong thing. Because Peggy’s shaking her head now, eyes tearing up.

 

“No...no I don’t,” she sobs out ands he’s pulling away. “Not anymore. Not anymore,” Peggy gasps, and she’s shaking and Eliza watches as she starts to look around, her eyes wide, frantic. Looking for a threat that’s no longer there. “He liked my hair long, he liked it long, he said. Called it pretty. Then he grabbed it, he grabbed it and it hurt and I don’t like, I don’t!” she sobs, and Eliza whimpers, because it hurts. It hurts to find out more and more of what happened, especially when they know nothing. Just these details. And until now they only know of three: she can’t stay in her room anymore, she can’t have someone approach her from behind, and—

 

“Grabbed my hair, push me to the piano, scared me. Scared me!” Peggy sobs, and Eliza closes her eyes for a moment. Can’t see a piano. So the baby grand in their study room has to be covered until their father can get rid of it. And now this. It hurts because all they know are little clues. They still can’t form what happened because Peggy won’t tell them. She won’t. So when they get details like this, it’s just heartbreaking, and hope their next action doesn’t hurt her.

 

Then Peggy’s hands move, and suddenly, Eliza’s moving because _no_ , and and she’s trying to hold Peggy still now, her father running to the bed as Peggy starts to struggle, her mouth falling open as she starts to scream wordlessly, just crying.

 

“Peggy! Peggy, he’s not here, he’s not here okay? He’s not going to scare you anymore okay?” Eliza begs. She repeats the words, again and again even though all she wants to say is _what did he do? What did he do to you Peggy?_ Because all she knows is that one day, she’s coming back from an errand with Angelica, and Peggy is screaming from the study during her summer lessons, and their whole world changes.

 

She feels her sister move in her arms as Peggy starts to reach for her own hair, fingers digging into the tight, pulled back locks, and gripping, pulling, Eliza whimpers, grabbing at her wrists.

 

“Stop Peggy, please stop, please stop,” she gasps out and soon, she’s sobbing. Peggy just cries harder, screaming when her father holds her arms down. After a few moments, her struggles seize, like a puppet with its strings cut, and she’s muttering to herself again. Like she always does when Eliza tries in vain to get her to stop pulling her hair, or scratch her arms, or bash her head against the wall. And like always, she just holds her crying, both her and her father holding Peggy tight, hushing her wordlessly, tears down both their faces as they hear the same words, again and again coming from Peggy.

 

And all Eliza and her father can do is hold her. Tight and close, and remind her that she’s not alone. And Eliza can just hope, like she always does, that Peggy remembers her love even after she leaves for school again. She lets out a sob, and tries to drown out the words, but it seeps into her very soul, and her heart breaks.

 

_“Je vais être bon. Je vais être bon. Je vais être bon.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will reply to the comments once the next chapter is posted. I wanted to include this in the last one, but it felt right to have it be completely separate. 
> 
> As always, you can find me on tumblr: youcanttameourdemons.tumblr.com


	20. these are our reasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We see how Alexander and John deal with everything so far. And Angelica finally talks to her sisters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for their patience. I am very sorry for how long this took. I wanted nothing more but to give you more and more of what I can give, but I wanted to make sure that I did my best. If you follow me on tumblr, you'd be able to see that I was struggling, and my last post said that I lost it. I did, but it was also a blessing? It forced me to explore the chapter differently, and this is what I have. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy, and again thank you so much for waiting. 
> 
> Please, if you have time, read the end notes. I wanted to talk more about this story to you.

Alexander doesn’t sleep.

Not really.

Not exactly.

His eyes slide close and he stays still, curled against John’s side, pressed close to his chest. He’s almost jealous of the fact of how easily John falls asleep, soft, gentle snores already escaping him. Alexander moves and turns to his other side in John’s arms, and his friend fluidly lets him go, and thankfully doesn’t wake.

The twins are asleep, with Laf's back to him. And he just stares at them. For a really long time. All because he just couldn’t sleep, his thoughts bogged down by everything he’s learned. And now, Alexander loves learning. It’s one of his favourite things. But this? What he’s learned? It was so much. It felt heavy. Heavier than he’s felt in a while since he’s accepted the Washingtons in his life. He gulps, and bites his lip, remembering his Skype session with his parents.

He hates how right they are, or at least how close to the truth they are. Because Thomas doing what he did doesn’t mean he was bad. Doesn’t mean that he’s going to hurt Alexander, or hurt anyone. It means he needs help, and he hopes his parents will help them. He wants to prove Thomas wrong, wants to prove Lafayette wrong. He wants the twins to know that there are people out there willing to help beyond him and John.

Alexander sighs, and shivers, hugging himself tighter as he continues to stare on Laf’s back. John stirs behind him, his hand grazing the top of Alexander’s shoulder and he doesn’t mind. Not at all. And it just makes him realize just how still Thomas and Lafayette are when they sleep. It was the same on the picnic blanket too. They get on one position and just stayed still. Only moving when an outside force comes through, like when James had put the sweater under Thomas’ head. But other than that, they’re undisturbed puzzle pieces, calm and still in the night. Thomas with his back against the rest of the world and facing the door, shielding Laf from everything.

If only the world knew the turmoil that laid under. How Thomas is constantly struggling to swim down to his brother who can barely swim up to him, the whole time both of them tethered by their own nets, preventing them from doing so. And yet, they still keep trying. It's so admirable. For the last two years, they’ve been trying again and again to reach one another. And for the first time, people are swimming down to get rid of the net, and as John and Alexander had discovered, it’s tangled and numerous with hidden dangers beneath it.

Suddenly, a soft whimper pierces the silence and Alexander looks up. Thomas has shifted, from his side to his back, brows furrowed. Alexander starts to sit up, but then he feels movement behind him, and sees that John’s already out of the bed and walking over to Thomas’ side, kneeling beside him just as Thomas gasps, hands going to the collar of his shirt.

“Get away from me,” Thomas gasps, squirming, one hand pulling on his collar and John gently presses his own hand on it. It makes Thomas squirm more, but John doesn’t stop.

“Alexander, turn on the lights,” John says, and his voice is so calm, so Alexander is still able to hear him over the loud beating of his own heart because Thomas is starting to thrash, Laf jumping awake just as Alexander gets to the switch.

“Tommy?” Laf whispers, leaning over his twin now just as John gently hushes Thomas, still holding onto his hand as he thrashes between the two of them, not hearing his twin.

“Thomas?” John starts, his eyes solely on Thomas as Alexander gets to Laf’s side now, gently putting a hand on his shoulder. Alexander feels Laf jump and turn towards him, and Alexander gives him a small smile before gently wrapping his arms around him, and is glad when Laf doesn’t pull away, just turns back to his twin.

“Thomas,” John repeats, and his free hand is gently stroking Thomas’ hair now, who was muttering for someone to get away, to leave him alone. “Thomas, wake up. Open your eyes for me, you can do it,” John continues, voice soft and gentle. He sounded so kind and patient, and Alexander holds Laf closer to him when he whimpers, wanting to be close to his twin but understanding that he can’t be. Alexander feels Laf hold onto his arm, and Alexander just holds him still, his hand stroking his arm gently, trying to keep him calm.

“You’re okay,” John says softly, and he keeps holding Thomas’ hand, stroking his hair until his thrashing calms down. “Open your eyes. It’s just us here, okay? Open your eyes.”

Thomas turns his head from side to side on the bed, before starting to calm, gasping. Alexander waits, holds onto Laf and just stares at Thomas’ face, and watches as his friend’s eyebrows furrow a little before slowly, his eyes open. And he’s looking at John with blank eyes. Like he can’t see him, and Laf shifts in Alexander’s arms, but he holds him, stops him from moving. And they watch as Thomas blinks once, twice, before tears are streaming down his face silently.

“This is why I didn’t want to tell anyone,” Thomas croaks out, after a beat, still staring at John, whose eyes turn sad, his hand squeezing onto Thomas’. “Now they’re back. He’s back…” he whimpers out, and again Laf squirms in Alexander’s arms and this time, Alexander lets go, and Laf scrambles to take his twin in his arms, hugging him from behind. Thomas lets out a soft, broken sob, not pulling away from John’s hand, but he moves to curl inwards, his free hand clutching his twin’s arm that’s now on around his waist. John moves with them, squeezing Thomas’ hand.

“No, he’s not back,” John says, gulping. “And the nightmares…it takes time,” John whispers softly, and Alexander nods then, going closer now, and Thomas sees him for the first time, but he doesn’t flinch, and Alexander takes it as a sign to go closer, to offer comfort, because Thomas is his friend and he wants him better. He puts his hand on Thomas’ that’s clutching Laf’s arm and squeezes.

“You’ll be okay…we’re here for you, okay? Not alone anymore,” Alexander says, and Thomas whimpers, squeezing his eyes shut, as Laf kisses’ his twin’s shoulder, hushing him.

“My turn now Tommy, I’ll hold you now, okay? You’re okay,” Laf whispers, and he’s moving so that he’s holding Thomas more now, and Thomas finally moves, gently pulls away from Alexander and John so that he can do more desperate things like turning in his twin’s embrace and hugging him back. Then he's burying his face in his twin’s chest and sobbing even louder. Laf looks at John then, looks at Alexander, before closing his eyes and burying his face in his twin’s curls.

John bites his lip, and gently starts to move them. “Let’s settle you back in bed, okay?” he whispers, already pulling the covers over Thomas’ shoulders, Alexander helping Laf lay back down as he keeps holding his twin close as Thomas continues to sob. Afterwards, John and Alexander just sit on their beds, hovering over them at the edges. And neither of them seemed to mind.

And Alexander is fine with that.

He doesn’t sleep anyway.

\---

Waking up the next morning is a task, but John doesn’t mind.

He never minds.

When his eyes open, the first thing John felt rather than see is hair. Alexander against his side, curled tight and asleep, his face pressed against John’s neck, far more intimate than you’d ever think about two people who have known each other for just two days. This is only his third day in college, and it feels like he’s known Alexander, and the twins for a lifetime. It’s such an overwhelming sensation. He shifts slightly and looks down at Alexander.

His roommate’s face is restless. His eyebrows are furrowed, even in his sleep. John starts stroking his back, just wanting to do something, anything, to help Alexander relax, and when he does, John felt like the day is already starting in their favour, and he’s thankful. Last night, they both waited almost an hour after Thomas stopped crying before they decided to slip back into their own bed. John fell asleep a good couple of minutes later, but he has no idea if Alexander did.

He finds himself watching Alexander’s face for a good while, before John starts working on pulling away from him, and once he succeeds, he makes sure that Alexander is fully covered under the blanket, safe and asleep. As soon as John stands, he shivers, suddenly feeling the chill in the room. Hurriedly, he silently goes over to the twins to check on them, and is happy to see that they’re still both asleep. Laf still has his arms around his twin, and Thomas’ face is completely obscured except for one eye, and that eye was closed. John reaches over and makes sure to adjust the blanket on the both of them, before then making his way to one of the desks.

John grabs the first notepad he can find, hoping the twins don’t mind, and writes a simple message twice on two sheets: “Gone for coffee. Be back soon, promise. – John.” He puts one message on either bed side tables, one on Thomas’ glasses, the other atop Alexander’s phone. Then he grabs his own phone, and his keys and pockets them, quiet as a mouse, before eventually making his way out the door. As soon as he closes the door behind him, and his feet are both flat on the floor in the hall, he sprints, light and quick on his feet, towards his and Alexander’s room. He’s cold, and he also doesn’t want to see anyone at all. He doubts that he will, either way. It’s the first Saturday of college, and people probably lived their Friday night a lot different than how John and his friends did.

It doesn’t take long for him to get to their room. He closes the door behind him, and immediately, John is stripping out of his sleep clothes and into new gym pants, a new shirt and a hoodie, walking around as he did, dropping the dirty clothes in the hamper. He grabs his card, ID, and some cash out of his wallet, before leaving his wallet inside his bedside table, pocketing the rest of this things. He glances at the clock on the wall. 8AM. Still pretty early. Good. He grabs a hair tie from his pile and pulls his hair in a high, messy bun, before grabbing his headphones and putting them on. He turns on noise cancelling and blasts the music in full volume.

John stands in the room for a moment or two, staring up at the ceiling before taking a deep breath. Time to unwind. He closes his eyes, before bouncing once, twice on the balls of his feet, before opening his eyes and exiting the room. And once again, he’s sprinting, towards the stairs this time, and blasts through the steps, skipping and jumping half-flights, letting nothing but the music in his ears and the rapidly increasing heartbeat in his chest be the only thing keeping him company.

He feels absolute relief when he gets outside, and John finds himself wanting more. So he ends up sprinting all the way to the student centre, and even through the halls until he gets to the cafeteria. By the time he gets there, he’s broken out into sweat, and he loves it. Not that he likes feeling sweaty. But there’s something about being able to run and let go that was always satisfying to him. Maybe because there are many things in life he wished he could run away from, but he always had to turn back.

John likes to think that found solace in running. Because he can go for a run until he couldn’t anymore, and walk back with aching muscles, with sweat dripping down his body. It clears his mind, especially when he’s overwhelmed, and since he works the way he does, the walk back is always him just thinking about everything else that’s been happening. And at that point, John no longer minds.

So when he gets to the cafeteria, he turns down his music until it’s so low he could barely hear it, and goes to the self-serve coffee, gasping for breath as he comes down from the high of his run, the heat from his body competing with the cool of the room, his skin feeling hot. But he doesn’t care. He likes the feeling.

John grabs a tray and gets four small coffees, and empty cup, using it as a holder for some cream, milk, sugar and sweetener on the side. He grabs four stir sticks and pockets them. He doesn’t grab any breakfast though. He’s going to make sure that they leave their rooms for that. He walks it over to the cashier and gives the woman behind the counter a soft good morning and a smile. She looks shock, probably not expecting it, but she smiles, politely returns his greeting and charges him for three coffees out of four.

“Um, I got four,” John says, almost immediately, blinking. The woman smiles, nodding.

“I know. The fourth one is a gift,” she says, and John blinks. He opens his mouth to argue, but she shakes her head. “Never say no to small gestures darling, just pay it forward, okay?” she says, voice kind and John gulps, nodding.

“Thank you very much,” he whispers, and she smiles at him again.

“I’ll see you soon.”

He leaves the cafeteria feeling warmer, and much slower than how he entered it. He doesn’t bother slipping his headphones back on, eyes ahead, and soon, he’s thinking about last night. Only two days and he’s learned so much about the twins already. They’ve bared so much of themselves to him and to Alexander, and he knows it was no easy task.

There’s so much information, that even though he knew a fact already, he still gets shock when he’s reminded of it. Like knowing that Laf was shackled on his bed. He knew this, at least somewhat, when Laf first showed his ankles to him, when Laf first asked him to keep his secret. And yet, he reacted like he’s only seen it then when he had triggered him by massaging his ankles, and learned that he can’t wear ankle socks. Same fact, two different times, and twice as shocking.

One can say it’s all so much. And it is. And they know it. Thomas even said it last night, asking them how they haven’t run away yet. And it’s a legitimate question. John isn’t obligated to stay. He’s known these people for two days, and college is supposed to be his reprieve. A new life. A place where he can run and not have to turn back.

And yet, he doesn’t want to do that. Not to the twins. Not to Alexander.

Why?

The question makes John pause, and he blinks, just realizing that he’s already halfway towards the dorm, his pace steady even though he’s not running. He looks down, blinks at his feet.

Why isn’t he running away? Why is he walking back to them? Why is he honouring a promising written on a sticky?

Suddenly, his phone vibrates, and he reaches into his pocket.

_1 Message – The Four of Us_

John stares at it for a moment before letting out a soft laugh, as it beeps two more times, and watches as 1 turns to 2 and turns to 3. Well, if that’s not an answer from the universe, then he doesn’t know what is. He swipes his thumb over it, enters his password and reads the message.

_Alexander: John? Thomas is hungry._

_Thomas: Gibby’s hungry._

_Gilbert: John, little one is hungry._

John shakes his head and grins, before typing a message.

_John: Gimme 5. I have coffee. Get ready, we’re going to get breakfast._

He pockets his phone afterwards and makes his way towards the dorm. This time, he uses the elevator, and makes his way to the end of the hall, to the twins’ room. He knocks once, and immediately it opens.

“John!” Alexander says, voice sleepy, and John gives him a soft smile. Alexander steps away to let him in, and John makes sure to close the door behind him, before turning around and blinking at them.

They’re all in one bed and awake, sort of except for Alexander. Thomas is on his knees, feet pressed against the headboard. He’s working Laf’s hair, braiding three braids on each side, before pulling the rest back into a tight, high ponytail. Laf’s currently running his hands through Alexander’s hair, tutting gently and reaching forward to tilt Alexander’s chin up, because Alexander looks like he just wants to fall forward and sleep.

“Little one, do not slouch. Just a little bit, okay?” Laf asks, and Alexander whines, rubbing his eyes with a closed fist.

“M’sleepy…” Alexander whimpers, and Laf smiles sadly.

“I know, I know, just a little, I just have to put your hair up, then you can nap while we get ready, okay?” Laf says, as John sits down beside Alexander. John lets out a soft chuckle, and so does Thomas, and they meet eyes as John sits down beside Alexander.

“I have coffee,” John says, obviously, as he puts down the tray in front of him, and Alexander makes a grunting noise, before making grabby hands towards John, as Laf works on Alexander’s hair, pulling it in a neat ponytail.

“Gimme,” Alexander grunts, and John snorts.

“Thought you were sleepy?” he challenges, though he does comply, gives him a cup, and two packets of sugar. Then he pulls out a stir stick and gives it to him.

“Drink. Then nap. Then nom,” Alexander says, already working on his coffee, and surprisingly, he does it with with ease, without spilling a drop. He probably has a lot of experience working while half-asleep.

“There…all done,” Laf finally says, and Alexander makes a happy noise, turning towards Laf and nuzzling his shoulder in thanks, before turning around again and drinking his own coffee. Then he’s shifting so that he’s leaning against John’s shoulder, and John smiles, letting him. Then he hands one of the coffees to Laf, handing him two creams. Laf smiles softly, careful not to move since Thomas was still working on his hair.

“Of course you remember,” Laf says, and John smiles, nodding. He watches as Laf starts to work on his coffee, taking the stir stick after he pours the cream, the colour swirling and lightening as he does.

“All very different. Hard to forget,” he mutters, looking up at Thomas, who hums.

“How do you take your coffee?” Thomas asks, as he starts to pull Lafayette’s hair into a ponytail. John blinks, looking down at the two cups still in the tray.

“One cream, one sugar,” he says, after a beat, and looks up to find Thomas nodding, as he ties up Laf’s hair, before leaning in and kissing his twin’s forehead.

“Je t’aime,” Thomas whispers, and Laf smiles up at his twin, saying the words back. Then Thomas looks down at John and motions for him to come over, making him blink.

“Uh…” he starts, frowning. “My hair is sweaty,” he says, feeling a little self conscious, and Thomas just raises an eyebrow, eyes sleepy under his glasses.

“Yeah, and?” he asks, and John blinks, glancing at Alexander. Laf sees him, and taps on Alexander’s shoulder.

“Come with me Alex? Let’s get you a sweater so you don’t have to change, okay?” Laf says, and Alexander whines, but he goes with Laf, leaning against the taller one, Laf’s arm around his waist, leading him to the closet. John turns back to Thomas and sees him motioning for him again.

“My hair’s okay,” John says, and as soon as he says it, a curl, a number of curls really, escapes the bun and falls in front of his face. Thomas just raises his eyebrow again and finally, John sighs.

“You sure?” he asks, and again, Thomas nods, patiently. Finally, John moves on the bed, moving the tray of coffees on the bedside table, before sitting in front of Thomas.

“I’m going to put my hands in your hair now, okay?” Thomas warns, and John nods gratefully.

“Go for it,” he says, and as soon as he does, there’s a gentle hand grabbing where his hair is gathered and a gentle pull on the hairtie. It takes a couple of tugs, but soon, his hair is out and free. Thomas then gently starts to brush his hair back. Then there’s tugging, starting from the nape of his neck. Braiding.

“Thank you for getting the coffee,” Thomas says, after a moment and John smiles, eyes on Laf and Alexander who were muttering to each other, sitting by the closet now, their backs towards Thomas and John. Alexander’s head was on Laf’s shoulder as Laf points at the sweaters hanging above them, pointing at some, and waiting for Alexander’s opinion. The whole scene is so adorable, and absolutely welcomed.

“It’s no problem. Glad to get it,” John says, and Thomas hums softly.

“And thank you, for last night. For waking me up,” Thomas whispers, and a part of John sobers up, almost immediately, and he gulps.

“You don’t have to thank me,” he mutters, and it’s true. It was the right thing to do. Waking up a friend who is being haunted by his nightmares, his past experiences. He’d do it for anyone.

“I do,” Thomas says, almost immediately. “Gibby and I didn’t have a John, or an Alexander, before we got here. And I know…it’s probably too early…and foolish…and I’m not saying I trust you fully, but I am grateful,” he continues, and John smiles, feeling warm.

He’s not a fool, and Alexander isn’t either. To trust each other to the fullest would be foolish, for any four of them. But there is nothing wrong with being thankful, Thomas is right, and John smiles a little.

“Thank you. I am too. I’ve never had a Thomas or a Laf, or an Alexander before too, either,” he says, smirking and laughs a little when Thomas snorts, finalizing the braid before pulling the rest into a ponytail.

“Smartass,” Thomas whispers, and John laughs, shifting to face him now.

“Coffee?” John asks, reaching for the tray, as Thomas nods.

“Please.”

Soon John’s making up his coffee just how he likes it, and Thomas is quietly sipping on his, Alexander and Laf’s whispers being the only thing that they can hear, and really John finds the whole scene quite relaxing.

Until Alexander lets out a soft squeak and Laf lets out a small laugh.

“You alright over there?” Thomas asks, and John laughs a tittle. Thomas gets a glare that can make the gods crumble from both his twin and Alexander, before the two are standing up, and Alexander’s grabbing a deep green sweater from the closet.

“Wanna wear this one!” Alexander says, almost excitedly, before he blinks, looking at Laf and then at Thomas. “May I?” he adds, sheepishly.

John looks at Thomas, who is staring at sweater for a second before nodding. “Not sure if that’s mine or Gibby’s, but you can,” Thomas says and Laf blinks, before turning to the sweater.

“Um…not sure. But yeah, of course,” Laf says softly, and Alexander’s giggling, before he’s putting his coffee cup down, clearly empty since he was holding it haphazardly the entire time, and he’s slipping the sweater ontop of his sleeping clothes. Immediately, everything above the mid-thigh disappears under the fabric. Alexander’s face is half covered by the hood, and he’s trying to move it by just moving his head and nothing else.

Jesus he’s so cute.

“Too big. But so comfy, like a blanket!” Alexander says, and Laf lets out a soft laugh, before reaching over and moving the hood off his head, before going to the closet to get his own sweater, opting for a dark purple one, that’s a bit more fitted, but even he has to roll up his sleeves. When Alexander’s face is fully revealed, he’s grinning, and John flushes red at the sight, ducking his head down. He glances at Thomas and sees him looking, but thankfully, he doesn’t say anything.

“Ready for food?” Thomas asks, getting off the bed, and John follows suit. “Just gimme two minutes,” he says, quickly, before going to the closet and grabbing a shirt and then the sweater that’s draped over the back of one of the computer chairs, slipping into the bathroom afterwards. John doesn’t say a word, and neither does Alexander, and when he glances at Laf, he finds the twin looking at the door before turning to John.

“Hair looks good, John,” Laf says, voice soft, and John grins, running his fingers behind his head, tracing the braid. “He’s relaly good at this, huh?” he says, and Laf smiles.

“Helps keep his hands busy,” he says softly, and John smiles, glancing at Alexander, and he sees his expression flash for a moment before he’s gone. He doesn’t have time to think about it much, because Thomas is walking out with the sweater on, half zipped and revealing a dark red shirt underneath. Alexander rolls up his sleeves and then grabs his coffee cup on the way out, John following him. Immediately, Alexander reaches back and John holds his hand. It’s natural. It feels so natural. And right.

“Tommy? Is that yours?” Laf says softly behind them, and John turns back to see Laf pulling at Thomas’ sweater sleeve, as he locks the door.

“Oh um, no. It’s James,” Thomas says, after a while. Laf blinks, before nodding, not saying a word. Then they’re walking, so John doesn’t say anything, and neither does Alexander, but it’s clear that Alexander’s curious, tilting his head.

Instead however, he starts to bounce on his feet and he’s walking forward again, pulling John along.

“Breakfast time!” Alexander says, John laughs, looking back at Thomas who had an arm around his brother’s shoulder, pulling him close with a smile, Laf smiling at John. And in that moment, John mentally checks another reason as to why he hasn’t ran away at all.

\---

“How are my lovelies?”

Hercules feels like he’s intruding, sitting in the office, on the couch and reading his book. James is getting breakfast for everyone, while Angelica FaceTime’s Eliza and Peggy.

“We’re okay…are you alone?” Eliza asks, her voice soft, and sweet like it always is. Hercules jumps at the question and turns to look down at Angelica, who was laying on her stomach, her hands pressing against Hercules’ thighs.

“Just Hercules,” Angelica says, biting her lip, and Hercules smiles softly.

“I can go,” he starts, and immediately, he hears protest.

“Sit down Hercules, I don’t care. I’m just wondering,” Eliza says and Hercules laughs, Angelica sitting up now so that Hercules can join them. Immediately, Hercules closes his book and holds the phone for Angelica, pulling it back so that the camera can catch them both. He smiles when he sees Eliza, her hair up in a messy bun, and she’s sitting outside.

“Hi Eliza,” he says softly, and Eliza smiles, waving.

“Hi Herc. Thanks for helping out,” she says, and immediately, Hercules waves her off. “Barely anything, don’t worry,” he says, and she smiles softly, as Angelica lays her head on Hercules’ shoulder.

“How’s Peggy?” she asks, and there’s a slight trepidation in her tone. Eliza’s eyes sadden for a moment before she’s looking up at something off camera. Then she’s putting down the phone for a moment. Then, she’s back, smiling.

“Someone wants to say hi,” she says, and soon, she’s pulling back the camera, and Peggy’s there, her head on Eliza’s shoulder, cuddling against her. Angelica makes such a happy sound, and it resonates, because Peggy looks up, and she’s gasping, and for a moment, she looks like her full, happy self.

“Angelica!” she exclaims, going closer to the camera now, and Eliza laughs softly. “Hi Angie, I’ve been reading all your books! Thank you!” she says, and Angelica claps her hands, and her eyes are shining now.

“I’m so glad, Pegs. Are you having fun with Eliza?” she asks, and immediately, Peggy nods, smiling. Then her eyes flicker and she gasps again, finally noticing Hercules.

“Herc! Hi Herc!” she calls, and it makes all of them laugh, and Hercules finds his heart warming at the sound of her excitement.

“Hi hi Peg-Peg, how goes?” he says, and Peggy giggles at the nickname. Then she’s leaning back now, leaning against Eliza.

“Good. Betsey and me gonna get our hair done today!” she says, and she sounds happy, excited. Angelica blinks, and Hercules sees that Eliza’s smile turns a little sad, before she’s nodding. “That we are, we’re gonna do something cool, huh?” she says, and Peggy nods again.

“Oh yeah? Are you gonna cut your hair, Peggy?” she asks, and Peggy nods again, smiling.

“Mhm,” she says, voice soft now, and she’s pressing her face against Eliza’s shoulder. “Gonna be good,” she says, and something in Hercules freezes for a moment at her tone. Because the way she said it. The fact that Eliza’s eyes widen for a moment and she’s kissing Peggy’s temple in response, he knows that it’s wrong. “You’re always good baby girl,” she says softly. Then she’s clearing her throat. “Wanna see if Papa’s coming with us?” she asks, and Peggy nods immediately, before turning back to the camera.

“Come home soon? Please?” she asks, and Angelica smiles, nodding, blowing a kiss. “Of course baby girl. In two weeks, I promise,” she says, and Hercules nods softly.

“James and I are coming too,” he says, and Peggy’s smiling, clapping her hands, before she’s disappearing, and Hercules watches as Eliza looks off camera, her eyes trailing Peggy as she disappears, before she’s grabbing her earphones, and she’s plugging in. Then she’s turning to the camera again.

“She wants to cut her hair because of that bastard,” Eliza hisses, and Hercules’ closes his eyes. He knew it. He just knew it. He pulls Angelica close to him, wraps his arm around her waist, opening his eyes again as Angelica lets out a shaky breath.

“Something happened?” she asks, and Eliza nods softly. Then she’s recounting what happened when she got home, and Hercules feels his blood boiling. The fact that this man, who is now in jail and would not be touching Peggy if any of them can help it, is still ruining their lives is horrific. By the end of it, Hercules is hushing Angelica as she sobs, Eliza wiping away tears from his cheeks, and Hercules wishes he can hold her too.

“She wants her hair short because of him. And she keeps insisting she needs to be good…and it’s…it’s not fair. Angie, it’s not fair. She’s so…she’s a baby, you know?” Eliza says, and Angelica sobs a little, whimpering. Peggy will always be their baby, even though she’s just turned seventeen. They all love Peggy, and this…this is so hard.

“I know Eliza…he may have not…gone beyond what he did, but he still had the intent,” Angelica whispers, and Hercules nods softly. That was the only reprieve they could have. That he wasn’t able to do anything beyond what he did, because Peggy was so horrified she had screamed herself hoarse and everyone in the house heard her. And Hercules was so proud when he heard. But she fought. She fought with everything she had.

But it doesn’t mean that she’s okay. She’s far from it. And the fact that she refuses to talk about anything, except during flashbacks makes it so hard, and Hercules hates it.

“You’re both doing so well with her,” Hercules says softly. “You love her so much, and she knows it. One day, one day he’ll fade away as nothing but a bad memory and she’ll be okay, alright?” he says, and Eliza lets out a soft laugh, nodding.

“Because Peggy is fierce,” she says softly, and Angelica nods, her back straightening, and she’s wiping her tears, and Hercules is so proud of them both.

“She is,” Angelica says, voice resolute. “And we love her,” she says, and Hercules nods, holding Angelica closer, as Eliza nods, her eyes determined.

“Yeah, we do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be going on a trip soon after this posting, but I do hope to update more soon. 
> 
> I also want to give more of a background on why it's taking me so long. 
> 
> The timeline, so far, has only been two days. Two and a half, after this chapter. These boys have known each other for two days, and we have 20 chapters, including the interlude. 
> 
> Timeline wise, it's going very slow. And I was debating if I was going to speed it up, time skip it. Make it make sense and hurry up. But then I realized, that the timeline, while important, is not the crux of this story. 
> 
> It's the emotions and the recovery. It's about the recovery of these characters, finally realizing that they deserve to be healed. That they deserve to be okay, and that they don't have to keep being hurt. That it's okay to ask for help, and to take help when needed. It's their journey to that realization.
> 
> And to those who know, recovery is not an easy process. And it's definitely not steady, or fast. It's not a one way street. It's more complicated than that.
> 
> So here's a story, that you can hold hands with, if you are in the same boat. May you rock with it, stand strong with it, and be with it throughout. The timeline will be linear, I promise you that, but I am not going to hurry it up. I'm not going to adhere to the norm of fanfic writing and have timeskips. If the story calls for breakfast to be written for one chapter, you will get that chapter. If it calls for three rapid events in one chapter, you will get that too. 
> 
> But know that this story is about recovery. And it takes time. 
> 
> Thank you for reading.


	21. in which we try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys get breakfast. Our dear Gilbert tries his best, and meets a new friend. And Alexander reads Thomas, and Thomas finds solace in his efforts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for the patience. I've had this chapter for two weeks and I've been sitting on it until it felt absolutely complete.

It was James’ turn to get breakfast. And the plan was to just eat it in the office because Angelica’s not really feeling up to socializing. And when you’re a Schuyler, as soon as you step in the hallway, you’re socializing. There’s no question. So she’s hiding and Hercules is with her, and honestly, James isn’t even mad about it.

 

He’s just about finished his haul, and about to pay for it when he sees the Jefferson, Lafayette, Hamilton and Laurens come into the cafeteria, immediately making to their way to the corner table together. Then, surprisingly, the twins are standing up and making their way to the oatmeal bar, where James is currently standing, mid scoop over the oatmeal.

 

They’re walking together, Lafayette holding onto his twin’s arm with both hands, and speaking in a soft tone. His twin ahead of him, but Thomas’ back is half turned, not really paying attention to what’s in front of him. It’s Lafayette that spots him first, blinking at him, before turning to his twin and tugging on his arm. Then, Jefferson turns, and it’s turn for James’ to blink, because Jefferson is wearing his sweater. His favourite sweater.

 

And he looks good in it. He looks better in it.

 

And he’s not even mad.

 

“Good morning, James,” Thomas says, after a beat, with a small smile on his face. And James smiles in return, unable to help it. James, huh?

 

“Hello Thomas,” he says, voice soft, and then he turns to Lafayette and nods to him. “Hello, Lafayette,” he says, and Lafayette gives him a shy smile, and takes a step back, almost hiding behind his twin.

 

“Laf, please,” he whispers, and Thomas blinks, stares at his twin. James stares for a moment as well, before nodding, stepping back so they can get to the breakfast bar. “Hello Laf,” he says, and Lafayette, Laf, smiles, and takes his twin’s wrist, squeezing it gently, before surprisingly pulling away.

 

“I am going to get things, just over there,” Laf says to Thomas, pointing towards the omelette bar, only walking away when Thomas gives him a small kiss on the forehead. James watches as Laf gets behind a girl who is falling asleep on her feet, jumping when she feels Laf behind her. Then she blinks, and turns to him, starts talking to him softly, her own arms around herself. And when James sees who she is, he’s not surprised. He is, however, by the fact that Laf smiles at her in return, and soon, they’re talking, Laf going as far as walking up with her as she gets her order.

 

When he turns back to Thomas, he finds him staring at his twin, his eyes shining a little.

 

“You look like a proud papa bear,” James says, voice teasing softly, and Thomas lets out a soft, almost self-deprecating chuckle, glancing at his twin once again before turning his full attention on James.

 

“I am,” Thomas says, giving him a small smile before reaching over and grabbing a bowl to get some oatmeal. “He’s trying really hard,” he says softly, almost to himself, scooping up some oatmeal, and then moving to put some fruits on it. Raspberries, dried cranberries and blueberries. Then he makes another with peaches, mangoes and almonds.

 

“Introvert?” James asks ideally as he finishes up Angelica’s oatmeal with fresh strawberries and kiwi, with a drizzle of honey. He sees Thomas pause at the corner of his eye, before shaking his head.

 

“Quiet,” he mutters, before taking a deep breath, straightening up and glancing back at his twin, who’s standing there now waiting for his own order, the girl still standing with him, holding her own, still talking. Then when he turns back to his task, Thomas is smiling and James can’t help but feel warm, seeing it.

 

“But he’s trying,” James says, as he finishes up, and Thomas nods softly, putting a lid on the two bowls he had finished, before moving down to the yogurt bar.

 

“Yeah…he really is,” he says. Soon after that, they lull into silence, just filling out their trays with food with whatever was available on their side of the cafeteria.

 

They’re making cups of tea when Thomas clears his throat, glancing over to James.

 

“I’ll give this back to you soon. The sweater, I mean,” he says, voice soft, and James sees a slight dusting of pink on his cheeks as he says these words, and James feels a little giddy knowing he’s the reason for it. But of course, he doesn’t show it. At least, he hopes. With a soft shake of his head, he smirks at him.

 

“It’s yours. Honestly, I don’t want it anymore now that I know it looks much better on you,” he says, easily and Thomas blinks, before shaking his head, staring intensely at the cup of tea he was making.

 

“It’s just really comfortable…” he says, and James grins.

 

“Oh, I know. It’s okay, Thomas. You can keep it. It’s yours,” he says again and Thomas stares at him for a moment before nodding.

 

“Thank you,” he says, turning to look James in the eye as he says it, and James nods, meeting his gaze, because there are worse things in the world. And he finds that he likes looking at Thomas, especially when he’s a little less guarded.

 

“You’re welcome,” he says sincerely, giving him a soft smile before turning back to his own task of finishing up his tea. He can still feel Thomas staring at him for the next few seconds, and honestly? James is just glad there’s a reason that Thomas is even looking at him.

 

\---

 

Walking behind John and Alexander, as Alexander skips ahead, already so excited so early in the morning while drowning in their sweater, makes Gilbert feel warm inside.

 

And he never thought that he’d ever feel that way with anyone other than his twin. Thomas makes him feel warm, and loved, every moment of every single day, even though it may not seem like it. Or it lasts only for short spurts at a time. He leans against his twin as they enter the cafeteria, following the two to the corner table. He smiles when Alexander takes the corner seat, already curling up and leaning against the wall, John going beside him, leaning in and kissing Alexander’s cheek, and again, Gilbert feels warm.

 

Thankful.

 

Again, the feeling is almost foreign, but it’s welcomed.

 

“Tommy and I will get breakfast this time,” he finds himself saying and he watches as Alexander’s eyes go wide for a moment before nodding fiercely.

 

“Oatmeal!” he says, and Gilbert finds himself relaxing, nodding softly, squeezing his twin’s wrist. “I like…fruits on mine. Any kind. And tea? No more coffee. No caffeine tea? And omelette!” he continues and Gilbert looks up at his twin.

 

“You taking notes?” he says, voice soft, and Tommy laughs softly, tapping on his temple with his free hand.

 

“Always,” Tommy says in response, before turning to John, who smiles.

 

“Omelette and yogurt?” he asks, and Gilbert nods softly.

 

“What kind?” his twin asks, and John bites his lip. “Plain with honey?” he asks, and Tommy nods softly. Gilbert smiles, and nods to them gently.

 

“With everything? In the omelette?” he asks, voice small, and both John and Alexander nod their heads, Alexander bouncing on his seat.

 

“Thank you,” they both say in unison and Gilbert smiles at them, before pulling his twin away from the table and making their way to the cafeteria. Soon, however, like always, Tommy ends up leading the way.

 

“Want berries on your oatmeal Gibby?” Tommy asks, looking back at him as they hook arms together, and Gilbert smiles at him.

 

“Yes please,” he says, leaning against him, holding onto his arm with both hands, smiling when his twin keeps walking, but is mostly turned towards him. He knows for a fact it’s because Tommy trusts him to not let him bump into anything. “Get a lot, please? So I can share with the little one. And do you want everything in your omelette too?” he asks.

 

“Got it, and yes please,” Tommy says in response, before tilting his head. “Share?” he asks, voice almost pleading and Gilbert bites his lip. Yet another effort from his twin to make sure he’s okay, and he nods, leaning in to kiss his cheek.

 

“Share,” he says, before looking up, and blinking when he finds James Madison looking their way. Looking at his twin. Then he remembers dinner, he remembers hearing his twin’s laugh behind him while talking to Alexander and to Madison, and he wants to hear it again. He wants to give his twin a chance to be happy.

 

He needs to be happy. It’s been so long he’s been happy, and he wants…Gilbert desperately wants him to be happy.

 

Even if he’s not the reason.

 

Gilbert shakes off the feeling and tugs on his twin’s arm, and Tommy looks into his eyes then, and he nods towards Madison.

 

Then he feels his twin freeze for a moment, before relaxing. “Hello, James.”

 

James, huh? Then he watches as Madison returns the greeting, his full attention on his twin, before turning it towards him. Saying hello. Calling him Lafayette, and he tries not to feel sick. Because that name…that name. It’s just…

 

“Laf, please,” he finds himself saying, forever thankful for John and this name. This name that he likes. This name that feels right, even though it’s only a couple of days old.

 

And when Madison repeats his words, this time with the right name, it feels…good. He feels good, and he stares at him, and watches as he turns to his twin. Gives him a soft look, and Gilbert makes a decision then. He wants to ride this good feeling, and he wants to give his twin a chance to feel good again.

 

“I am going to get things, just over there,” he says to his twin, and Tommy stares at him, looks into his eyes, and Gilbert stares back until Tommy leans in, presses a kiss on his forehead and for a moment, Gilbert closes his eyes, and breathes it in, feeling safe. And when he pulls away, he’s happy to feel that it’s still there. The feeling. His brother’s love is with him.

 

And for the first time in a long time, he lets go of his twin, walks away from him, with the understanding that they’ll be fine. They’ll both be fine.

 

He makes his way to the omelette bar line, stands behind a girl who looks like she wants to disappear inside her own embrace, and he gets it. He blinks when she jumps, feeling awful, because Gilbert gets that too.

 

What he doesn’t expect is for her to turn around, and stare up at him with an inquisitive eyebrow. Her eyes are lined with dark coal, and she’s wearing a dark brown lip colour, but other than that, she wore no other make-up, her skin clear except for a sprinkling of dark freckles across her nose, barely noticeable unless you’re looking closely. There’s a slight pallid tinge to her complexion that Gilbert recognizes in his own complexion when he looks in the mirror.

 

“I like your hair,” she says, and her voice is low, almost croaked, before she clears it, covering her mouth with the sleeve of her sweater, wrapping her arms around herself again afterwards. “Cute braids,” she continues and Gilbert blinks.

 

“I like your lip colour,” Gilbert says, automatically, because he does, and she lets out a soft, airy chuckle, smiling weakly at him.

 

“Thank you,” she says, before looking up when it’s her turn, and she nods to him, and he bites her lip, before following.

 

“Good morning,” she says the the chef, who gives her a smile, his eyes twinkling as he wipes his hands on his apron.

 

“Theo! How are you? Welcome back,” the chef, Jordan, according to his name tag, says, voice booming even over the noise of the kitchen around him. Theo gives the man a small smile, glancing up at Gilbert.

 

“Doing well, Jo,” she says softly. “My friend’s new, so I wanted to show him your magic,” she continues and Gilbert gives her a wry, shy smile.

 

“I am that obvious,” he says, feeling a little self conscious, but Theo takes it to stride.

 

“After full three years here, you kinda can spot who’s in first year,” she says softly. Gilbert nods softly. So she’s a senior then, just like Angelica, making the connection as he turns to Jordan, gulping.

 

“Hello,” he mutters, unsurely, and Jordan gives him a friendly smile, already starting on what he can only assume is Theo’s order.

 

“What can I do you for?” he asks him, and Gilbert glances over the menu, eyes widening a little, feeling overwhelmed all of a sudden and he wants to be close to Tommy…

 

“Do you want everything in yours?”

 

Gilbert blinks, and shakily turns his attention to Theo, who’s smiling up at him. He glances at Jordan who gives him the same, kind smile, still working on Theo’s omelette.

 

“Take your time kid,” he says, smirking, nodding behind him. Gilbert glances back and finds that there’s no line at all, and then he turns back, and they’re still waiting for him.

 

He clenches his hands into fists and takes a deep breath. “Yes…I mean…everything?” he asks, and Theo gives him a soft smile. Jordan does too, and slowly, the urge to run to Tommy fades, just a little.

 

“How many?” Jordan asks, voice patient. “And no meat?” he adds, and Gilbert blinks. He didn’t even think about that.

 

“Three, and yes, no meat,” he says, just in case. As soon as Jordan nods, Gilbert glances back at his twin, and finds that he’s at oatmeal bar still with Madison, their backs turned from him and he gulps, before turning back to Jordan. “Uh, thank you,” he says, and Jordan lets out a soft laugh.

 

“No worries, kid. Gimme couple of minutes,” he says, and soon he’s working and Gilbert is mesmerized. Jordan has four pans working, one of them with an omelette already folded and ready for plating, the other three getting squirts of oil and hearty scoops of vegetables to be sautéed, sitting on the fire while he cracks fresh eggs and beats them to fluffy perfection, pouring just a little bit of milk, before portioning them into the pans.

 

“Woah,” he whispers, and Theo giggles beside him.

 

“As I said, magic,” she says, grinning when Jordan puts her own omelette in a box, and together, they watch as Jordan make three omelettes that are almost carbon copies of one another, plating them in separate boxes, before stacking them.

 

“Here you are, three Everything Vegetarian Omelette,” Jordan says, smiling at him. “What’s your name?” he asks, and Gilbert takes the containers, freezing slightly at the question, his eyes widening.

 

“Laf,” he whispers, after a beat, pulling back and holding the containers now. Jordan nods to him afterwards, smiling.

 

“See you soon, Laf,” Jordan says, before giving him a wave, and smiling at Theo, before attending to something at the back. Gilbert stares at where he was for a bit, before he feels Theo shift beside him.

 

“You’re doing okay, you know.”

 

Gilbert closes his eyes for a moment and before opening them again, as he turns to look down at Theo. She’s smiling at him, her eyes soft.

 

“It might not feel like it,” she continues, and she’s staring in Gilbert’s eyes that he can’t look away. “But you are. You’re doing just fine,” she says, voice just as croaky, just as husky as before. And Gilbert gulps, letting out a shaky breath.

 

“You don’t know me,” he says, and Theo nods softly, and she doesn’t even look phased. Who is she? Why is she saying this?  

 

“I know,” she whispers, and she’s smiling still, tilting her head to the side now. “But it doesn’t mean that I can’t tell how much you’re trying,” she says, before she’s straightening up, and nodding to him, and he stares after her for a moment, before following her to the cashier, not knowing what to think. He just wants Tommy. He’s done well already. So well. Now he just wants Tommy.

 

They meet his twin and Madison there, and immediately, Gilbert is walking towards his twin, wanting, needing to be close. Theo sees Madison and makes a soft noise, smiling.

 

“James!” she calls, just as Tommy sees Gilbert, and immediately puts his tray down by the cashier to wrap his arm around his shoulders.

 

“Gibby? Hey you okay?” Tommy asks softly, and Gilbert nods, pressing his forehead against his twin’s arm, still holding the containers, barely noticing it when Thomas takes them away with his other hand and puts it on his tray, before wrapping his arms around him.

 

“Gibby?” Tommy whispers again and Gilbert looks up, taking a deep breath and nodding. “Yeah…I’m okay. I’m okay, Tommy,” he mutters, and he gives him a soft smile. “Just…you know,” he whispers.

 

Overwhelmed? A little apprehensive? Her words are ringing in his ears and he’s not sure what to do about it.

 

He feels a soft kiss on his forehead, and a soft hand on the small of his back, and he feels so happy to have his twin at his side again. He’s okay now. Madison meets Theo with a smile, and a polite nod.

 

“Ah hello, dear Theodosia,” Gilbert hears him say, and Theo is smiling, even though she’s rolling her eyes at Madison before turning towards Gilbert and Thomas. Her eyes widen a little when she sees them standing side-by-side.

 

“Woah,” she mutters and Madison chuckles, and Gilbert gulps, before taking a deep breath.

 

“Thomas, this is Theo. Theo, Thomas,” he whispers, and Tommy stares at her for a moment before giving her a polite nod. To her credit, she meets his gaze equally, and gives him a soft nod as well. “Have a good breakfast guys,” she says softly, smiling at Gilbert as she turns to him. “Nice meeting you,” she says, sincerely, and Gilbert can’t help but smile back, no matter how unsure he was.

 

“You too,” he whispers, and watches as Madison pays for his haul, before turning back to them, and giving Thomas a smile.

 

“See you later,” he says to Tommy who gives a soft smile in return. Then Madison turns to him with a soft smile, which Gilbert hopes he himself returns, pressing himself closer to his twin. Madison lets out a soft chuckle, before nodding to Theo. And together, they leave the cafeteria, leaving Gilbert and his twin behind, Madison nudging Theo gently, his words faint as he asks about their resident prodigy until their voices fully fade away as they got further.

 

“You really okay, Gibby?” Thomas says, after a beat, and Gilbert turns to his twin, finds him looking at him worriedly, and he bites his lip, thinking, before taking a deep breath.

 

“I got breakfast Tommy,” he whispers, voice soft. “I went by myself, and met Theo,” he continues and he’s not sure why, he’s not sure why he’s saying it out loud, but to him, it was an accomplishment. He hasn’t walked away from his twin with the understanding he gets to come back to him since seeing him again. “She said she liked my braids and I didn’t run away,” he says, and Tommy lets out a soft laugh, pulling him into his arms.

 

“M’proud of you, Gibby,” he whispers, and Gilbert sighs, closing his eyes for a moment, squeezing his twin back, riding the high, this feeling. He had walked away and had reached his limit, but that’s okay.

 

Because Tommy’s proud of him and he’s trying really hard, and for now that’s okay, pressing closer to his twin.

 

He’s doing okay.

 

At least for today.

 

\---

 

When they get back to the table with everything, John and Alexander were curled up, both of their heads on the table. Actually, Alexander’s head was on the table, and John’s head was on Alexander’s back, his arms around him, like he’s shielding him from everything else.

 

“Sorry it took so long,” Thomas says, before putting down the tray. John jumps a little at the sound of his voice, and then smiles, sleepily.

  
“S’okay, just taking a nap,” he says, as Alexander looks up, waving, the sleeves of his sweater curled over his fists. Then he turns his head and makes a cooing sound at the sight of the food, and Gibby smiles, sitting across from Alexander, taking the two bowls of oatmeal.

 

“Tommy got two big ones so we can share?” he says, placing the bowls between himself and Alexander, before grabbing one of the omelette boxes and giving it to him. Thomas places the other one in front of John, and the other between himself and Gibby.

 

“We can all share!” Alexander says, a soft, happy sound coming from him as he takes off the lids of both of the oatmeal bowls, humming. “Thank you, this looks really good,” he says, looking up at them, and Thomas smiles at him softly.

 

“You’re most welcome, Alexander,” he says, before giving John his yogurt, and a couple of packets of honey. “Not sure how much you wanted,” he says, and John smiles, opening one packet, and putting half of it in. Thomas raises an eyebrow, smiling.

 

“Good to know,” he says softly, and John smiles, popping open the omelette and smiling softly at the sight of it, before digging a fork in. After the first bite, he hums loudly and grins.

 

“Good?” Thomas asks, because before John can even say anything, he’s taking another bite, and John just nods enthusiastically. Alexander’s pretty much in the same state as him, except with the oatmeal.

 

He turns towards Gibby when he hears him, blinking as his twin opens their own box of omelette, before taking a small piece of himself to try it. “Do you like it?” Thomas asks, voice soft, and Gibby looks up at him and nods softly, with a gentle smile on his face. Then he cuts a third of the omelette and starts to eat from that portion. And Thomas feels like he’s going to cry.

 

For the first year, getting Gibby to do anything was such a task. Get out of bed, get the blankets on him. Get him to drink, eat, _anything_. The past year had been easier, because there was a routine. Thomas wakes up and it’s “Get Gibby to do basic things to survive,” day for him. All day. Every day. And at that point, he didn’t mind.

 

He thought college was going to be awful. That it was going to usurp everything he’s worked for because new city, new environment. New dangers. But here they are, just about the third day in, and he’s eating, doing what Thomas asked, and he doesn’t know what to think of it. It’s a good thing. He knows it’s a good thing, but it’s not his doing. Not that it matters, but it makes him feel useless and it sucks and does it—

 

Suddenly, there’s a tug on his arm, and he looks up.

 

Alexander’s standing there in his large sweater, smiling at him. “Come with me?” he asks, and Thomas blinks, before turning back to his twin, and finds him speaking softly to John, the two of them looking down at John’s schedule between them from what Thomas can see, and a campus map, his twin pointing out things on it, and John writing things down. Alexander’s phone is by John’s side and his schedule is there too, and he can see that Gibby has his booted up on his phone. Then he turns back to Alexander.

 

“They’re trying to figure out where to get our books,” Alexander says softly, tugging on his arm again before reaching for his wrist. Not his hand, his wrist, and tugging there. “I gotta get water for everyone, and I want some juice, come with me I can’t carry all of it,” he says, and Thomas knows he can. Alexander will find a way. So he knows this is for something else.

 

Eventually, he nods, but turns back to Gibby and leans in to press a kiss on his forehead. His twin looks up abruptly, and his eyes are wide, scared, his hand on his sleeve, pulling.

 

“Tommy? Where you going?” he asks, and his breath is hitched, and Thomas suddenly can see the version of Gibby that he’s been so familiar with.

 

“Just getting water and some juice with Alexander,” he says gently, leaning in and stroking his hand that’s on his arm, not pulling away. “Are you okay? Do you wanna come?” he asks. He knows that his had probably pushed himself a lot already, and Thomas can’t blame him.

 

Gibby makes a soft sound, before gulping. Then John’s moving and he’s going around the table to sit beside his twin, hand gentle on his shoulder.

 

“We can go with them, if you want? Or we can stay here. I’m sure they’ll be back very soon,” John says softly, and Thomas is thankful. Thankful that he’s not berating Gibby, that he’s so accepting of what he may need. Gibby lets out a soft sound before squeezing his arm and then nodding.

 

“Come back soon? Please?” Gibby whispers, and Thomas smiles, gently pulling back to frame his face with both his hands, before leaning in and kissing his forehead.

 

“I promise,” he says, and Alexander is there, nodding too.

 

“Quick! Very quick! I promise!” Alexander exclaims and Gibby glances at Alexander before nodding softly, and pulling away from Thomas, and leans against John, who, thankfully, wraps his arm around him gently. Thomas watches as they slowly slide back to their previous task, before turning around towards Alexander, who has his hand extended towards him. Thomas takes it unsurely and stands as Alexander pulls him towards the food area, eyes down.

 

Alexander tugs on his hand and it makes Thomas look up, only to find his friend staring at him as he walked, not looking at where he’s going. Alexander’s his friend now, and he doesn’t want him to get hurt.

 

“Little one, you’re gonna fall,” Thomas mutters, moving to wrap an arm around Alexander so that they’re walking side by side. Alexander makes a sound but then leans against him, cuddling close as they walk.

 

“Don’t compare, Thomas,” he hears Alexander say and Thomas’ breath hitches. Of course Alexander knows exactly what his issue is. “I know it feels like it’s so effortless with me and John around, but it’s not us who Laf is trying for,” he says, and Thomas knows he’s looking up at him but Thomas knows if he sees Alexander’s large eyes staring up at him he might start crying.

 

“I know, but I still feel like the two years I spent with him, I did nothing, and I get here and he’s sharing things with John and telling you things and…I could barely get him to say a word,” Thomas whispers, as they get to the fridge. He feels Alexander pull away, going in front of him to pull open the door.

 

“He can say the same thing about you. You didn’t share anything with him until you got here either,” Alexander says, voice soft as he pulls out four water bottles, passing them to Thomas. Then he moves on to the next fridge and takes out two bottles of pineapple juice, before turning around. “So you’re in the same boat, really,” he says, this time raising an eyebrow at Thomas.

 

“I guess…that’s true,” he mutters after a moment, and Alexander sighs, knowing that he won’t budge, moving with him towards the cashier. And he knows it’s not because Alexander’s frustrated. He’s giving Thomas time and space with it, and he appreciates it, because all he wants is to go back to his twin now.

 

“One day, you’ll believe me. You’ll see,” his friend says confidently, and Thomas laughs a little, tilting his head.

 

“Is that a challenge, Alexander?” he asks, and Alexander puts down the bottles, before turning to him, eyes determined, that Thomas can’t help but blink, clutching the water bottles closer.

 

“A promise, Thomas,” his friend says, voice soft, before smiling. “You’ll see.” And with that Alexander takes the water bottles and pays for it, leaving Thomas with his words, and for a moment, a moment not related to his twin in any sort of way, he feels loved.


	22. we do what we can

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martha and George do their part, deals are made as the boys get their books, and Jefferson and Mulligan face off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while. A long, long, while. But I'm back. And I hope there are people left that will read what else I have to offer. 
> 
> To the ones that have been patiently waiting, thank you. My sincerest apologies for the wait, but please know that every single message that I've received in regards to this story, and the wait, has been so greatly appreciated. Thank you very much for all the support. 
> 
> Please enjoy the next chapter.

“Jesus Christ.”

 

Martha blinks and looks up. Her husband is sitting at his desk, staring at his screen, eyes wide, gleaming with emotion. And she wants to know what he’s looking at but she knows how her husband works. He wants everything done before he shares anything, before they talk about it. And Martha is thankful. The more information she finds, the heavier it gets and she’s afraid that if she combines it with what her husband has seen, she’ll break down under the weight of it all and then she wouldn’t be any help at all.

 

She bites her lip and sits up from the couch in their shared office at their home library. “Love?” she says softly, voice quiet and still echoing through the office. George looks up at her then, and she wants to hold him.

 

“I love you,” she says, firmly this time, and George gives her a weak smile. Then his shoulders lose some tension and he slumps heavily on his chair, rolling back slightly.

 

“I love you too, my light,” George says softly. “This is some heavy stuff. We need to be careful.”

 

Martha nods softly, knowing exactly what he’s talking about. Alexander. Their son. Their hardworking, soft-souled, kind, brilliant son. This would truly break his heart and his spirit if they’re not careful.

 

Ever since they spoke with him on Skype, all they have done is use their many resources to find out more. About the twins, and about John. And it’s interesting and heartbreaking. Digging into the lives of children shouldn’t be this hard to consume, shouldn’t make you want to never read about them again. They divided the work. George started with John and Martha started on the twins, specifically Thomas.

 

What she found was disturbing. Because she could barely find anything. Especially nothing within the last two years. It was like there’s no record of these twins at all. As if they existed, then entered a world that was just them, and emerged from the other side and met their Alexander. And it went the same with both of the twins. She could find a record of Thomas when he was in the state those four years. Registered as a student.

 

But that’s it. Everything else is what Martha could remember. A cold mother, who hated her, and a son, scared, untrusting, his retreating back as he ran away from her when she tried to talk to him after she heard all of those rumours.

 

Of course rumours were only rumours. If there were paperwork, life would be too easy. But she knows that the cold-hearted matriarch probably did something to ensure that didn’t happen. All for reputation. Which she hates. Because fuck reputation. She’s only had her Alexander in her since the boy was seventeen, and the moment she laid eyes on him, she promised the universe that no one will hurt this little boy.

 

How could a mother forgo loving, protecting her son for her damn reputation? She cannot understand it. She cannot stomach it. And to know that her son is friends with this boy now, she just hopes that they’ll be alright. That her son will be alright. She wants to help, truly. But she needs to know exactly who she’s helping, and with what. From what.  

 

“I can’t find anything on Thomas,” Martha says, finally to her husband, who looks up from his screen. “Everything I know is through rumours, through what I saw, how I interacted with that woman, and that’s it,” she says, voice soft.

 

“And what of Gilbert?” George whispers, and Martha sighs, looking at her husband, trying her best not to shrug.

 

“There’s no record of him coming back with her,” she says, voice soft, eyes scanning everything and anything she could find and was currently loaded on her screen. “I don’t think he’s ever set foot in the US until now,” she adds. Then she blinks, and looks up at George, and she can see her husband’s eyes shine exactly with the same thought.

 

Soon, she was looking for anything that she could find on Gilbert Lafayette. “Just a school registry at the university. Not even an international student—” she pauses, raising an eyebrow. “Ah, dual citizen. Both of them,” she says, looking up at George, who raises an eyebrow. In order for these children to be able. “Makes sense…Jefferson kept her citizenship and registered them as such…”

 

“Where are they getting their resources?” George mutters, frowning, his brows furrowed in the way that Martha always found adorable. If only these were better circumstances. “It’s either they’re really smart, or they’re getting help…” he states and Martha sighs, her face paling at the idea as she looks back at her screen.

 

“Or both. Smart kids, who knew exactly what to do to survive, and parents that are just…letting them do it,” she says, sighing. “And if what Alexander says is true…then whatever help they’re getting…” she trails off, not wanting to believe it. But from what she can see, and knowing what she knows about the Jefferson matriarch, it might be true. It’s probably true. 

 

“They’re getting it,” George mutters, looking away for a moment. “But it’s not the help that they need.”

 

And isn’t that a sobering thought.

 

“Though,” George starts after a beat, a small, weak smile on his lips. “That Laurens boy. Started out rough, I’m glad his father’s in prison,” he says, with that voice of conviction that makes Martha love him more and more each day. “I found a few arrest records, but almost always it comes off with a warning only,” he says, whistling lowly.

 

“Is there anyone looking after him?” Martha asks, and she doesn’t even try to stop the worry in her tone. “Tell me someone’s looking after that child,” she says, and George nods, glancing up at her.

 

“The case worker who took care of his case did a good job. They put him in the system and he bounced twice in one month, kicked out due to anger issues. The third one understood what he went through, and reached out to get him help. His address was registered there when he got his learner’s, caught up with his school. He had good grades even with everything that was happening. Applied and got into all the Ivy schools...full rides,” he says, and honestly, Martha can hear the pride in his voice.

 

“What a kid,” she whispers. “Foster parents backed him up, then?” she asks, and George smiles, nodding. “Looks like it. They’re born and bred in the state, and signed up to be foster parents. Looks like they were foster kids themselves when they were younger,” he adds, as he continues to look more information. “Just good people who wanted to help where they could,” George adds, and Martha nods softly.

 

They’re lucky to have the wealth they have, and be able to provide for any children they had fostered in the past, and for Alexander now. But it doesn’t mean that everyone’s in the same playing field, and she’s glad that there are people like John’s foster parents out there still doing good.

 

“At least…that’s a happier story,” she mutters, voice soft, not really sure what to do or say now, feeling exhausted. George looks up at her then, and nods, before pushing away from his work computer and walking over. She takes it as a sign, closing her laptop and smiling when he husband joins her on the couch, pulling her into his arms.

 

“Mhm…he registered to the university, and now he’s friends with our boy, and it looks like our boy likes him,” George says, kissing her forehead. Martha laughs softly, and sighs, looking up at him as she leans her head against his shoulder.

 

“I can’t believe we spent the past few hours just sleuthing our resources to research a bunch of kids as a way to look after our baby,” she says, sighing. “That takes protectiveness to a whole new level,” she adds, making George snort and shake his head.

 

“Alexander asked us…and if we have the resources…why not. We’ll talk to him soon…and see what we can do about those kids…” George states, before trailing off, and Martha knows that he’s already thinking, and Martha is as well, squeezing her husband close and pressing her head against his chest. Listens to the beating of his heart.

 

“We have them, right? We’ll take care of them,” she whispers, and George nods, kissing her hair.

 

“We will, my love. I promise you.”

 

\---

 

“Books! Books! Books!”

 

“Hey, Ale—Alexander, be careful!”

 

Gilbert grabs Alexander’s arm as his friend walked backwards, both hands holding tote bags full of his books as they walked together down an aisle. He pulls his friend close to his chest, and Alexander makes a soft noise, and narrowly avoids running into someone who was holding a stack of books that would’ve tilted straight onto Alexander’s head if they had collided.

  
“Oops, sorry Laf,” Alexander says against his chest, and Gilbert sighs, pulling away and turning him around with one hand, holding his own tote bag of books with his other hand. “It’s okay, just be careful. I don’t want to find you under a pile of chemistry books,” he says, and Alexander grins at him, before walking, slowly now, and the right way, beside him.

 

“Where’s John?” Alexander asks, going on his tiptoes trying to look through the gaps on the shelves for their friend, and Gilbert smiles at him softly.

 

“Still probably arguing with Thomas about his books,” he says, and Alexander blinks, before sighing. “Maybe Thomas should let it go, for now,” he says, and Gilbert frowns, standing by the wall on the side by the cashiers.

 

After they were done shopping for their books, they went straight to get John’s, which was in a totally different building. John mentioned that he’s only going to grab the ones for the first semester, and Thomas had asked why. At first, John didn’t say, but it soon came out that their friend didn’t really have enough money to get all of them, planning to get them after he gets a job on campus. Thomas offered to buy it and they’ve been arguing since.

 

“How come? Thomas doesn’t mind. I don’t mind. We can get it for him, it’s really no problem,” he says, voice soft, and Alexander bites his lip before looking up.

 

“It’s not that. We know you don’t mind, and I don’t think John’s saying no because he thinks that you do. It’s just…he got here on a full ride. And so did I…and I insisted on it, even though my Mama and Papa could’ve just paid even before they adopted me because…I wanted to provide for myself…and John…maybe he feels the same?” he asks, voice soft, eyes wide and earnest, as if he’s begging Gilbert to understand. “It took me a while to say yes to my parents giving me an allowance so I don’t have to get a on-campus job for extra money…I guess…I get it,” he mutters.

 

Gilbert stares at him for a moment and takes a deep breath. “We just want to help,” he starts, and Alexander nods his head immediately. “I know! I get that, we get that, it’s just…hard to explain,” he says, and Gilbert nods softly, before moving to find his twin and John. And sure enough, they’re still in the same aisle, with John holding five textbooks, and Thomas holding another five, and they look like they’re having a staring contest.

 

“Woah,” Alexander whispers beside him, and Gilbert can’t help but agree. With his back straight, John looks unmovable, regardless of the difference in their stature, he is holding his own under Thomas’ gaze, his twin’s eyes hooded behind his glasses. Gilbert’s not really sure what to make of it, but he wants to stop it.

 

But before Gilbert can say anything, John’s squinting at Thomas, before sighing. “Fine. Deal,” he says, before letting out a soft, airy laugh, and smirking. “As long as you hold up your end,” he says, and Thomas smirks.

 

“Deal,” he says, and transfers the books under his other arm so he can stick his hand out for a shake, John shaking his head as he does the same. Alexander makes a soft noise and steps forward.

 

“Hold up, we walked in medias res, so back up and explain. What deal?” Alexander says, and John looks at them then, grinning now.

 

“That he lets me pay him back on the day that I get my first paycheck, and he goes on a run with me every morning,” he says, and Alexander grins, and bounces on the balls of his feet. Gilbert’s convince that if he didn’t have his hands occupied, he would’ve clapped them together in happiness.

 

“I win,” Thomas says in a sing song voice, and John rolls his eyes fondly, before taking Thomas’ tote bag of books, and handing the rest of his textbooks to him without warning. Thomas makes a soft noise and glares, but walks to the cashier regardless. Ten of John’s textbooks are way heavier than any of Thomas’ novels put together.

 

“Thanks,” John says to Gilbert afterwards, as Alexander follows Thomas to the cashier, the two of them already talking as they stand in line, probably about Madison’s articles again. Gilbert blinks at John and shrugs.

 

“We rather the money go to a friend, than stay in a bank account we don’t really like touching,” Gilbert whispers, voice soft. Thomas took care of everything. After they were both out of the hospital. Their parents tried to talk to him, but he couldn’t do it. He still remembers screaming, until they left the room, until Thomas came running in and got him. He hasn’t spoken to either of his parents since it happened. So the last two years where Thomas took care of everything, he did it alone. When he came back, they have everything they needed. Financially, at least.

 

That was the only thing his parents can do, and the only thing that Gilbert is willing to accept. But he knows they call. Mama especially. Thomas says Papa calls too, but he barely says anything. “He cries,” Thomas whispers, one time he cared to ask what he said. “But I’ll never forgive him,” Thomas always says, and Gilbert knows.

 

He doesn’t think he can ever forgive him too. And knowing what he knows about what happened to Thomas as well, he doesn’t think he can forgive his Mama as well.

 

So they use what they need and that’s it. And if they use it for what they want, and then that’s okay too. Gilbert doesn’t really give a damn.

 

“Still, it’s a lot of money,” John starts and Gilbert looks at him, smiling weakly.

 

“It’s the least we could do. Being our friend…being…being kind to me. Talking to me. Your patience… it’s really…priceless,” Gilbert whispers, trying to form his words properly, trying to get John to understand. John stares at him for a moment and then he smiles.

 

“Can’t buy my friendship like that, Laf,” he says, and Gilbert’s eyes widen, face paling. That’s not what he meant. That’s not what he meant at all. “I…” he starts, gulping, and John blinks, seeing his face, before stepping closer.

 

“Hey, it was a joke. I know that’s not what you’re doing, I’m sorry,” John says, putting Thomas’ books down and reaching up, placing his hands on Gilbert’s shoulders. Gilbert flinches, and immediately he feels awful for doing so. “I—I’m sorry,” he whimpers to John, who shakes his head.

 

“Stop, Laf, it’s okay. You’re okay,” John says, gently squeezing. “I’m not mad. I know that’s not what you meant, I was joking okay? I’m sorry, okay?” he says, looking into his eyes at Gilbert takes a deep breath before gulping, nodding. The last thing he wanted was to make John feel like they were buying him. Like he was something that could be bought. That’s not what this is.

 

“It’s not what this is…you’re our friend. You…Alex…Tommy and I we don’t have friends and we’re just…trying to help,” Gilbert gasps out, voice small and pathetic and it sounds so bad and wrong and he hates it, but John is nodding, giving a small smile.

 

“I know,” John says, firmly. “I know. I know, and come on Laf, I can’t be bought. If that was the reason, I’d know, trust me. If that was true, I wouldn’t be friends with you. Okay? You got this? Okay? Please?” he continues and Gilbert gulps, before taking a deep breath, nodding softly.

 

“Promise? You promise you know?” Gilbert whispers, unable to help himself because he wants John to know. He wants John to understand. John’s his friend. His first friend since this whole thing started, and he wants him to know that. John grins and pulls away then.

 

“I promise Laf. I got you,” he says, picking up Thomas’ books just as Alexander comes bounding forward, a happy grin on his face. And Gilbert believes him then. How does John do that? Make him believe so easily. 

 

“All done!” Alexander says, and Thomas grins behind him, holding up three tote bags of all of John’s textbooks. Gilbert meets his twin’s eyes and smiles at him weakly when Thomas tilts his head curiously.

 

“Gibby? You okay?” he asks, and Gilbert blinks, glancing at John who smiles, before nodding.

 

“Yeah…” he whispers, smiling this time at his twin. “I’m okay…is that all of it?” he asks, and Thomas nods softly, carrying all of John’s books with ease, and soon they’re all exiting the bookstore.

 

“Okay, switch, switch,” John says as soon as they started walking back to the dorm to Thomas, wanting to get his books. Gilbert's behind them again with Alexander beside him. Alexander snorts as Thomas avoids every single one of John’s attempt to grab at least one of the bags, shaking his head.

 

“John! Just wait until we get back to the dorm!” Alexander calls, and John growls, before looking back with a pout before sighing, and just walking beside Thomas, who grins.

 

“I win…again!” he says in the same sing song voice, and Gilbert rolls his eyes. “Tommy, hush,” he says, and snorts when his twin just sticks a tongue out.

 

“Is he always this competitive?” Alexander asks, and Gilbert looks at him then, nodding.

 

“Always. He just likes winning. Especially when he thinks he’s right. Which is all the time,” he says with a smile on his face. Because he loves that about his twin. “But it doesn’t mean that If he’s wrong, he won’t accept it. It might take awhile, and it might be begrudgingly, but he’ll accept it.”

 

“Debate’s going to be fun then,” Alexander says with a grin, fire in his eyes. “It’s going to be so fun. It’s getting me so excited,” he adds, and Lafayette knows it’s true. Because he already witnessed it when they first met Madison. They truly have a passionate for it, and he’s just glad his twin has an outlet. He likes debate, but not enough to do it constantly. And his twin does it constantly, and he needs someone who can keep up.

 

And in the few days that he’s known him, Gilbert knows that it’s going to be Alexander.

 

“No fighting though,” Gilbert says, and Alexander nods softly.

 

“I’ll do my best!” he says, and Gilbert frowns at him, and Alexander gives him a sheepish smile. “I get...passionate. It’s never seriously, I swear! My mouth is faster sometimes, and I’m learning to stop that,” he says, and Gilbert nods, not wanting to make Alexander feel bad.

 

“I’m sure,” he says, voice soft. “Thank you, Alexander,” he whispers, and his friend blinks.

 

“What for?” he asks, and Gilbert shrugs. He’s not really sure what for either, but he knows it’s because he feels overwhelmed with his friendship and with John’s.

 

“For being my friend,” he finds himself saying, after a moment, and Alexander grins, bumping his forehead against his shoulder, which they’re quickly finding out is a way that Alexander shows affection.

 

“Silly Laf. I got you,” Alexander says before grinning and walking ahead to catch up to John and Thomas as they near their dorm entrance, leaving Gilbert staring after him, before shaking his head with a smile.

 

How Thomas and him found two unicorns as friends, he’d never understand, but he’ll take all the luck he can get for now. He hurries his steps when he sees Thomas holding the door for him, leaning against his twin when they meet at the door with a smile.

 

\---

 

They all end up in Alexander and John’s room so they can all start organizing their things together. Thomas drops off the books, and excuses himself to grab his and Gibby’s laptops, putting them in one backpack, and grabbing another so that they can put all their books in it later on. He’s walking down the hallway, wiping his glasses on his sweater when he sees Mulligan running towards him. Or at least he thinks it’s Mulligan, vision blurry.

 

“Hey Laf!”

 

Yeah, definitely Mulligan. He stops walking and puts on his glasses, making Mulligan pause as soon as he does, and Thomas takes great pleasure in seeing his eyes widen.

 

“Oh, er, hi T—“ Mulligan starts, and Thomas straightens his back, crossing his arms.

 

“Jefferson,” he says, raising an eyebrow, and Mulligan blinks, frowning, before nodding.

 

“Jefferson,” Mulligan says softly. “I thought you were Laf,” he says, and Thomas smirks. “Obviously. Pretty familiar with my twin already, aren’t you, Mulligan?” he says, and the other frowns, glaring at him now.

 

“What’s your problem?” he says, and Thomas looks at him from head to toe, and decides right there and then that he can take them. Mulligan meets his gaze, and shakes his head. “Are you just looking for a fight, because that’s not my intention,” Mulligan continues, and Thomas’ eyes narrow. Intentions.

 

“What do you want with Gil?” Thomas hisses, and Mulligan frowns even deeper, just staring at him. Then his expression softens, and his shoulder’s slump.

 

“Jefferson, I don’t want anything from your twin,” he says, and Thomas snorts. Everyone wants something. Always. “I saw how you looked at him,” he says, and Mulligan takes a deep breath.

 

“What? Like he’s a person, who I want to be my friend? Look, whatever you’re thinking? Whatever you think I want with your twin? I can assure you, that is not what I want,” Mulligan says firmly, looking at him with searching eyes and Thomas growls, hardening his gaze.

 

“You have no idea what I’m thinking about,” he starts, and Mulligan lets out a bitter laugh. “And you have no idea what _I’m thinking about_. Look, I just wanted to say hello to someone who I met and I want to be friends with. If that’s a crime, tell me now. But am I wrong? Did I make your twin uncomfortable that you’re going all guard dog on me?” he asks, and Thomas glares, before turning around. It doesn’t matter what Gibby said or didn’t say. All he knows is that his twin is scared to get hurt. He stares at Mulligan for a few beats longer, before sighing, relaxing his stance.

 

“I just don’t want my twin hurt…” he says, and Mulligan nods softly.

 

“I get it, okay? I just want to be his friend, that’s all. I don’t want to hurt him. And if I do, feel free to beat my ass. I won’t even fight back,” he says, and Thomas snorts.

 

“Even if you do, I can take you,” Thomas says, and Muliigan laughs then, and feels a smirk coming to his own lips at the reaction.

 

“I’m not saying you can’t. But let’s not let it get there, alright?” Mulligan says. “Truce? Yeah? C’mon. I get it. Trust me,” he says, and Thomas nods to him, before taking a deep breath.

 

“We’ll see,” he whispers, because that’s the most he can give. That’s the most he can do, with him trying his best. He only has enough capacity to trust blindly, and that’s been spent on Alexander and John. Everyone else? They have to prove it to them. He watches as Mulligan nods, in what he hopes is understanding.

 

“Alright then,” Mulligan mutters, before continuing his way. As he passes by, Thomas sighs, and looks back at him. Dammit. He gulps, and closes his eyes, remembering the look on his twin’s face every time he glanced at him while Mulligan showed his work. The way he smiled when he texted Mulligan. The way he sounded when he said he voiced out his fear that Mulligan may want something he can’t give. His twin is trying, so the most he can do is try too. He opens his eyes and takes a deep breath, turning around.

 

“Hey,” he calls, watching as Mulligan turns to him. “I’ll tell Gil you said hi,” he says, before turning around, missing the way Mulligan breaks into a grin, staring after him as he went.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're down here, that means you're still with me, reading this story. 
> 
> Thank you very much. 
> 
> I hope to see you back soon.


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